Not Sure How to Accept Husband's Rather Expensive "I'm Sorry" Gift.

Men don't like to part with money (most of them anyway...mine doesn't have a problem unfortunately) so it could be a true act of contrition.

You contradict yourself because you say you are ready to put things behind you, but you are mad at him for "not getting it".

Honestly I think you are being petty...can you afford the watch? Then take it and wear it in a show of good faith. It shows that you are bigger than the problems you have had.

You said you are ready to move on and put the past behind you, but you then you mention "I'm also a little upset that he thinks this can make up for the past".....didn't you just say you are ready to move on. Then what does it matter if he thinks he can buy you a nice gift to apologize.

Is he doing any of the things that you talked about it counseling? Or was this gift the only act of contrition? Did he go to counseling with you or not? Has he been trying? Is he spending more time with you and the kids?

So take the watch, wear the watch, thank him for the beautiful watch and then say you accept his apology and that you don't need any more gifts just his love and attention.

Every man wants to feel important to their wives and kids. Every man wants to be the hero in his family. He's making effort.

Was it really that easy for him to spend big money on a nice gift for you? Is that what's bothering you...that it was just too easy? Well fine. Then tell him that you love the watch (grin and grit your teeth if you have to) and now the only thing you need is his love and attention...his actions speak volumes to your heart.

Don't say, I love the watch, but...

Don't say, You shouldn't have spent the money...or we should spend the money else where?

Sounds like you might be putting all the blame for you marital problems on him. Is he really all at fault. Is there something you could be doing better?

I would just take the watch and tell him you love him. Every time he does something for the kids comment on how great a dad he is becoming....If he does something you really appreciate...then comment that you really appreciate his efforts.....

PS...I understand where you are coming from...my husband insists on buying me flowers for different things. It drives me nuts. I like flowers, but they die. I would rather he spend the money on something else....maybe I would like to get my hair done or buy something for the house. I can think of a million better things to spend the money on and I've told him as much, but he's a man and he thinks NO...means yes.

Men are different. They are black and white, they are analytical, they don't think the same way we do. He didn't do what you would have done because he's not you. GIve him the benefit of the doubt....maybe he honestly thinks he's doing something great to show you just how sorry he is for the grief you have endured these past few months. Just accept his kindness and see what happens.

Really I don't think it's worth a fight. Just take the watch and try to use some reverse psychology to get the actions you are looking for.

G.D

Try looking at this gift from his prospective......he's sorry,(some men don't say they are sorry much less take the time to shop for a gift to express sorrow)....he is trying to reach out to you (we speak love in different ways this may be his "love language"(read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman)....he loves you...you are worth more than whatever he paid for the "gift"....you are a "gift" to him.....you are treasured.....your marriage is important to him or he would not have invested time for counseling,energy in working out your difficulties,being vulnerable by opening up to you and a counselor about what he's thinking and feeling.
You said he looked happy when he gave you the gift....how would you feel if you gave him something he didn't want to keep?? Look at the "gift" as a reminder of the effort he's making for the future and not as a reminder of what is in the past. Your wedding ring is that kind of symbol it shows that you are commited to one another for life.If you have a diamnond engagement ring what were your thoughts about the amount that was spent on it? What value do you place on it???
You are in a place that sooooooooooomany women (myself included) would love to be..........with a husband who is working on the difficult stuff,not running away saying it's too hard,it's over, you'll never change, I don't love you any more,I've found someone else, I'm moving on.
The two of you will be so much stronger as individuals, you will be so much closer to one another and your marriage will be so much stronger....your childern will also benefit from the fact that you worked on you difficulties together,they will feel more loved and secure,you are showing them that marriage is not just saying "I love you" then saying your "I do"s and we live happily ever after like in fairytales,but that it's a decision we make everyday,sometimes many times each day to stay commited to ONE person for life and the rest of our lives.
Our country and society so easliy throws and discards stuff and that includes people. I applaud you and your husband for doing the hard work for yourselves,your childern which will impact our nation.
I pray this gives you something good to think about when you look at his "gift".

Have you truly forgiven him? Marriage is give and take. There is no perfect marriage. Why can't you tell him exactly what you want or expect. Why can't you open up to him. Why would you give back a gift that your husband wanted you to have. Maybe this is his way of expressing himself. We have to forgive, you may not forget but the pain does cease. You need to search your heart. You say later you are planning a family. This should be resolved before starting one.

Instead of continuing to focus on all the negativity, why don't you take a step back and a deep breath and try to see the gift for what HE INTENDED it to be.

I'm guessing that he bought you this gift because he loves you, cares about you, wants to continue to improve the relationship, and maybe for him it is TIME to move on to happier and healthier times.

Maybe you're not ready to really, truly move on out of your 'hurt stage' (which I completely understand if the relationship has been difficult) if this gift bothers you this much. Despite your progress, your post sounds like you still have a lot of hurt and anger toward your husband.

Are you able to see things through HIS eyes too instead of just from your own perspective? Maybe to him this is a symbol of 'beginning a new time' in your life together.

And please, seriously consider putting off having another baby (hello, loads of more stress) until you have fully resolved these issues. A baby doesn't magically fix anything.

Accept this "guilt gift" as an expression of his sorrow and love. If you can, why not look at it in a different light than from here backwards to her forward? Now you have time to mend, love, talk, cherish...move forward from pain to gain. You will take the time to grow and learn. Look at the watch as a reminder to STOP and take the time for each other, for yourself, for your family...all for good and healthiness. You CAN choose to see his gift from his perspective and enjoy it. His love language my be giving gifts. Know that by his giving something to you he is giving you his love.

I suggest you do talk about all this however, no matter what you decide. You have made great strides and want to continue to grow healthier...just another bump in the road of life to get over, learn, and move on from.

What is YOUR love language? Know that before you start your conversation. Quality time?

Be proud you have come this far and are willing to fight and do the hard work it takes to stay married! xo

Maybe it would be helpful for you to talk to your counselor privately about it so that he or she can give you some perspective on it. I obviously don't know you or your husband, but if he is anything like mine he is probably giving this gift out of pure emotion and not considering the money or the way you might associate it with the bad times. A watch is a pretty fitting gift in terms of meaning- like he's giving you "time" in the future.

My husband occasionally spends money on goofy things for me or the kids and I can't believe it but it would really hurt his feelings if I said something, so I would either tread very lightly or possibly bring it up in a counseling session so that your therapist can work through it with you.

Best wishes for the future and kudos to you for being able to work through everything and get back on track. I think all marriages have varying degrees of rough spots and not all manage to make it through.

Regardless of what you're going to do (I would keep it if I liked the watch), you need to tell your husband how you feel.

Maybe put a positive spin on the gift. Instead of thinking that your husband is trying to make up for past transgressions, think of it as his way of saying, "It's 'time' we moved forward."

The bottom line is he most likely wanted to give you a present that shows you how much you mean to him.

Hi G D,

What popped into my head when I read your post was maybe your husband's primary love language is receiving gifts. He may feel loved when he gets gifts from you. So therefore, he may just automatically feel everyone feels the same way about receiving gifts.

However, there are 4 other primary ways to feel loved. I once read a book that was recommended from one mom to another mom from mamasource called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I checked it out from the library.

Anyway, it was worth reading, and I am now recommending that you read it and share it with your husband. I have included a link for you to test your type of love language, but I would still read the book, too. I do not feel anymore loved by receiving presents either. Read the book to find out your primary love language and then describe it to your husband.
http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp

Good Luck,

J.

I think most women want more of the non-material things from their husbands. Some people just express love in different ways. I have been married almost 20yrs, and still have to remind the DH that, the little things mean more to me( bring home dinner, take a walk together, a night out together,etc..).

I think sometimes we just have to initiate these things ourselves. Why not plan a weekend or night away, order in dinner for 2 after the kids are in bed, take a walk together, send a text message to say 'I miss you'. He may catch on and start reciprocating(sp).

You may show love with non-material things, but he may show love by buying gifts. One is not better then another, just different.

Good luck with your decision.

Keep it AND wear it! He's probably just trying to do something nice for you. It's important to assume and acknowledge his intentions are pure and that he's not trying to use the watch as an excuse to be lacking elsewhere in the relationship. Your doubting him is probably a central problem in the relationship. He needs your respect and support in his decisions for himself and the decisions he makes for the family. RESPECT spells love for a man.

I hear you!!! My husband did something similar. He bought me an expensive necklace i loved but really didn't want (we could not afford it!) However, I wear it & I love it. WEAR IT WEAR IT knowing that instead of an I'm sorry gift its a start anew gift! I agree talk to the counselor about it but I also say try and look at it as a new beginning gift. I would say it woudld indeed hurt his feelings and he probably doesn't get that you don't want material things but that is juSt another thing to work on in your future!

I am excited things are on the up for you!! Be happy!!

- F.

He is your husband and you should be able to tell him how you feel but... he is probably so proud of what he bought you and might get very upset if you tell him you dont want it. I would definetly try to talk to your counselor alone since she probably knows you two and see what she says--its a no win situation for you, if you where it, it brings back bad memories of the past but if you give it back, it might cause some tension with your husband--Good luck and i hope the best!

I have seen many people tell you to keep it and wear it. No doubt you completely deserve a great gift but if you don't feel like having the watch in your life then don't keep it. I would feel just as you did. I sort of don't like the "I'm sorry" gift and would always rather spend time together instead. Could you trade in the watch for a little weekend trip away without the kids or something for the two of you to move forward and away from those last 18 months. I hope the best for you.

That's a tough one.

Yesterday was my birthday. My husband came home with a very large, and expensive, flower arrangement. It's lovely, and so thoughtful, but I keep thinking "but I told you I bought lots of plants for the yard for my birthday present! We just don't have the money to spend on roses!"

It made my husband so happy to give it to me.

If I was you, I'd keep the watch, but I'd have to say something to my husband, to let him know how I was feeling about it, saying something about how it isn't material things you want, but a strong, happy marriage, etc. Do you think you'd feel better about the watch if he acknowledged your feelings? It seems to me that unless you say something to him about them, the watch will just be a symbol for the lack of what you really want from him.

However, I think it's important to praise your husband about the watch, telling him how much you love it (even if you don't) because it seems that this was how he naturally thought to express his own emotions/needs.

I would explain to him that you think the gift is very thoughtful and beautiful, but looking at it reminds you of the painful 18 months. I think he should understand that. He might be a bit hurt by it, but it's the truth, isn't it? There's no sense in keeping a piece of jewelry around that nobody is ever going to wear when you could be saving that money for your retirement (together) or your kids' college.

Hi GD,

If you don't like the watch because of what you feel it represents, then I wouldn't tell your husband that you do. But, I would consider a change of heart about the watch so that you could tell him you like it and mean it.

Think of it like this: Do you like the fact that he thought about you? Do you like the fact that he invested time, energy, and money (that is how men show love)? Do you like the fact that he regrets what has happened vs. not have any feelings about it at all? Do you like the fact that he wanted to do something nice for you? If you answered yes to most of these...then, you like the watch because that is all the watch represents. He had all the feelings there...it just manifested as a watch...doesn't mean it can't manifest in other ways too.

Men do think differently than women and no matter how much women would like them to think differently, it ain't happenin. Sometimes, we even tend to love men for the change we hope to see in them. Just imagine how frustrated we get when men try to change who we are or how we do things? We want them to love us for how we are different...love us because we don't get right to the point...love us because we like to talk (not in spite of).

I'm not saying improvements and better understanding can't come along as you continue to work on your marriage, but if you saw him happy to do this for you...in some small way that can bring joy to you. I think the woman who wrote that you haven't truly moved on, made a good point. If you have truly moved on, you would be able to accept the gift.

We have awesome minds and if you choose to look at this gift as a gift of doom- representing the hardships...then, that is what it will be. However, if you choose to look at it as a gift that came from your husband's heart because he is trying, loves you and because he feels awful about whatever happened...then, that will be how you see the gift.

It doesn't mean you have to let it become a pattern, but if you squash him now, you may very well be putting out the fire you are trying to light. Hope it works out for the best! Take care!

I commend you for realizing that there is a problem. You are right to question your feelings on this and know that you cannot ignore these feelings which will not go away, nor should they be ignored.

That said I'll bet your husband has a suspicion that you weren't thrilled with the 'gift'. I suggest you tell him in a sympathetic way. Let him know that you appreciate the feelings and intention of the gift, but that you don't think it was necessary.

Explain it to him just as you did to us. You'd much rather have a gift for a happy occasion as a remembrance of a happy time, let's return this and purchase something for the house/kids/save toward a weekend away/even dinner without the kids. Let him know you are thrilled that the two of you are working toward a happier relationship, etc.

You don't want to keep these feelings a secret from him as they tend to work themselves out to the open and up to the surface at the worst possible time. Honesty truly is the best policy esp with your spouse.

throughout a marrital relationship you acheive higher levels of communication, it is in all cases better to state your feelings in any matter, just be careful how you relate it. i think you definately should tell him why you would not like to accept that, for the reasons you stated. but add that you appreciate the sintament, but,..... and then offer a mutually acceptable (gift), he will feel better for having done something extra to say he's sorry, and you will both be happier if it indeed is mutually acceptable and appreciated. it will also boost you to higher communication level.

Hi G D,

I think I am in the minority here, but I wouldn't feel comfortable keeping a "guilt" gift either. I personally expect a lot from my husband as I would any man or woman. When a person does something that is wrong, a gift is not a way to make up for the wrong. I am not in any way implying that this is your situation, but I have seen men hit their wives then bring home a big bunch of flowers as the "I'm sorry". I am sorry to say, but I think a material gift is the easy way out. How much thought does it take to go out and spend some money? More thought would go into a heartfelt note or card that costs nothing. You two have been in counseling and trying to work on your marriage which is great, but that shows how important it is for your husband to get the message of what it means to be in a partnership and what it means to make amends for something you have done to hurt another person. I don't think buying someone an expensive piece of jewelry would ever send the right message and I also think its a bad example for your kids. You can't buy forgiveness and a happy marriage. I am sure your husband had good intentions, but deep down he must have known that a watch you two can't afford isn't the best way to signal change and a new start. I wouldn't be harsh about it, but I would gently tell him that his desire and effort to start off on a new path together is gift enough. You would feel more comfortable taking this piece of jewelry back and just working on your relationship together. I'm sorry, but I think the whole mentality of it just being a man's way to buy something or spend money is a total cop out. Way too often we set the bar far too low for our husbands. I think most men are every bit as perceptive as most women and should be treated as such. At this point, I wouldn't be holding back your feelings or expectations for how you want to continue on in the marriage. You should be able to be honest with your husband even if it means hurting his feelings. If you keep the watch knowing that every time you look at it, it will remind you of bad times, then you will never put those months behind you. You'll get mad all over again every time you look at it. I think your husband is an adult and should be able to see that what is important is for the two of you to keep the communications lines open and be each other's friend. You can't do that if you are still harboring resentment toward him or if you have to lie to him to spare his feelings. I would talk to the counselor about the best way to approach the subject of "material gifts" in counseling to your husband in a non-confrontational manner. It would be so much better for your husband to see where you're really coming from and your true feelings that to put on an act. How is that being honest with your husband or your self?