Not Really Feeling ROMANTIC Anymore!!! :(

Updated on April 21, 2011
J.M. asks from Chicago, IL
10 answers

My fiance and I have been together for almost six years. In the beginning, we were crazy for each other... now however, I just can't seem to feel the same passion and I don't know WHY!?!? I love him, (that's a DEFINITE!) but so many things have changed and I'm just not "into" the physical aspect of things anymore. (I really and truly feel NO pleasure when we make love, which I would never tell him; however, it makes me feel so empty and alone... I feel sooo SAD as well!!!!)

You see, back in 2006 we had a little girl (who is 4 now) and everything was wonderful! We had problems and set-backs like any couple, but nothing that we couldn't handle or overcome. Over the last four years I've put on ALL of the baby weight (40 to 50 lbs.) that I lost once I had my daughter. Not to mention, I have a thyroid disease called Hashimoto's and IBS.

Needless to say, all of this has taken a toll on my body and my equalibrium. I feel soooo HUGE, how can I feel sexy? I am so tired and lethargic and sick all the time and none of the doctors I've seen really know how to stop or control the problem; all they do is prescribe more meds. I have tried one weight loss diet after another. (Weight Watchers, Atkins, South Beach, SommerSize, etc...) I was very successful w/the Atkins diet years ago, but for some reason things just don't seem to be working out the same way now.

I am so SICK w/myself... I don't know what to do!? I don't know how to get us back to the way we were before. My fiance thinks I don't love or want him anymore and it has caused a lot of tension and conflict in our home --- I just don't think I can handle it anymore! I don't know what to say to him to make it all better, so I just keep lying and saying things to make him feel better. I of course, blame myself for all of this....

I'm just wondering, has anyone else gone through something similar like this? If so, what did u do to get back on the road to recovery and have you been successful long term? I am desperate for help, because I think I'm in jeopardy of losing the man I love.

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answers from Los Angeles on

Oh goodness... I have been there. One thing I can tell you is that you need to tell him the truth. Not that he can't satisfy you, but that you are not satisfied with yourself. Nothing kills a women's Romance than not feeling sexy.

I was like that with my hubby too. I was not looking the way I thought I should look. And it didn't matter how many times my husband told me I was beautiful... I didn't FEEL beautiful. I told my hubby how I was feeling and he worked with me to get over the image issues. You NEED to tell him how your feeling or he's going to continue feeling rejected. Maybe he can help you.

When I talked about how I didn't feel sexy anymore he told me he was feeling the same way about himself. We started to change our diet and exercise more together. We are now well on our way to a healthier us and very happy with our bodies. Sure I'm not the figure I used to be, but I do feel sexy in my own skin again...

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answers from Cleveland on

Well first off You need to tell him the truth.
If you keep lying to him, its just going to get worse. He will start thinking your are having an affair, or are leaving him etc
You need to tell him that you feel this way about yourself.

It's really hard to juggle emotions & exercise, in my opinion.
Sometimes you get so bogged down and upset that you don't want to do anything. Which in turn makes you feel worse.

You need to get moving. Get productive. If you just sit around (not saying you do hun) and "sulk" You won't feel better.
Start going for walks, cleaning, turn that lil girl into exercise equipment hehe
It will be hard to get started but once you do, you will start feeling a LOT better.

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answers from Chicago on

Are you able to exercise? For me that makes all the difference- even if it doesn't help with the weight loss (although it couldn't hurt) it will lift your spirits and also help you feel as if you are doing something for yourself. Even if you don't lose a ton of weight it will help you feel fit and more toned up. Just start with a walk around the block even. I can't afford a gym so I do a half hour workout video while the little one is napping. It makes all the difference in the world helping me feel sexy and like I am caring for myself.

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answers from Chicago on

To sum it up:

1) Tell him that you are not happy with yourself and that it has nothing to do with him. Reassure him that you love him and because you love him, you need to figure out how to love yourself so you can love him in the ways that makes him feel wanted, appreciated and loved. Ask him to help you do this.

2) Meds and health issues can take it's toll on your body. Some can change your chemistry for good and some adjust within your body. Sounds like this is not the case for you. So, you need to work with what you have.

3) Try to get your hubby on board with getting healthy together, physically and emotionally. My hubby and I are trying to do this too. We have changed our eating habits and we are trying to exercise regularly. Maybe you guys could do it together?

4) Ask your husband to be honest about how he feels about you and what parts of your body he likes. As another Mama said, focus on highlighting those parts. My hubby is not disgusted by my body and I didn't really believe him. I am a 12/14 and hate it. He says he has no problem with my body and says that he finds me attractive. More to the point, he says that I never look more beautiful than when I am confident. I imagine this is true for most women. So find ways to get that confidence back.

5) Finally, marriage/ couples counseling can work wonders. We see a fabulous guy and if you are interested, I could send you his contact info.

Hope this helps.

Good luck.

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answers from Dallas on

My answer - after only seeing a little snapshot of what's going on is to work on the source. Not your weight, but your body image. You are so defeated by the weight loss struggle (I know how you feel) that it's hard to feel very positive. Instead of trying to lose weight, I try to work on my self esteem and certain areas of my body. My husband loves me as big as I am. He finds it sexy. That was the 1st step. I had to BELIEVE him when he said he thought I was sexy. But there are certain areas that he really pays attention to - like my butt. So we started going to the gym together and I do things that will firm up my butt. I walk on a very steep incline on the treadmill, do lunges, etc. I'm a size 16 and let me tell you that 2 weeks of working on my butt made a huge differance. He couldn't keep his hands off me and more important, I could see the differance. Instead of looking in the mirror or at a scale and feeling defeated, I felt victorious. I felt powerful and empowered. I was proud of myself. That made me feel sexy. Working out makes me feel powerful and sexy. I may not ever be a size 10 again. But I work to keep my curves in the right place and my husband and I both think working out together is hot couples foreplay.

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answers from Chicago on

J., I am impressed with your honesty to yourself about all this and also your determination to get help. These types of feelings happen and it is great that you are trying to do something about it rather than just push them under the rug. Here are a couple of suggestions:
How about getting involved in some type of cause/and or charity event or volunteer as a way to feel better about yourself. I imagine that you are extremely busy like most moms, but you could even do something as a family. Getting involved in the "bigger picture" can make you feel better.
Also, how about starting to do stuff just as a couple, like date nights, shared hobbies. Working on the distance in the relationship outside the bedroom can help with connection in the bedroom. Maybe start walking together in the mornings. Anything to get connected. Is it possible to go away for a night or weekend?
Best of luck and hang in there. Please know these types of feelings eventually pass.

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answers from Chicago on

have you looked into having celiacs? that is so damaging to the whole person. it causes the IBS issues and weight gain . you are essentially starving your body of nutrients since the gluten burns off all the lining of your intestines so you cant absorb your nutrients. this makes some people deadly thin and others very heavy because you are essentially malnourished so you overeat and well cycle continues....this would have obvious effects on your mental health and general well being. i think you need to look into this. best way is to completely eliminate it from your diet ( HARD) for at least 3 weeks and see if symptoms improve. then add it back into diet and note any reactions. you can also go through tests at the docs office though some are not as willing as others to run them for some reason. good luck to you!

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answers from San Francisco on

Oh my. I actually been feeling like this for a while now. I don't know what to do at the moment either...there's other things that are going on that may be adding to the way I'm feeling as well.

My husband is kinda upset with me since I posted a status on my just read..If I could turn back time...I would do some things differently. I'm actually going to have a talk with my husband tonight. We'll see how things go, but the way I've been feeling lately...makes me feel like...separating. I somewhat feel like a single Mom again..and sometimes I wish I was. Raising 4 kids is exhausting and whole job in itself. I feel like I have to hold down the house...for BOTH of us..for all of us. My work is never done..our work is never done. And he wonders why I don't want to be intimate with him. I've recently told him, I'm not in the mood. I'm tired by 6pm...raising the kids, caring for them, trying to keep up with the house, bills, etc. He doesn't get tonight I have to give him a quick lesson on it I the rate I'm going...I want a separation. Hey..I'm doing things alone most of the time. *sigh* if you figure out something, pass it along. Good luck!

Know that YOU are a wonderful mom, person, wife soon to be...and have a GREAT MOTHER'S DAY! Although we feel under are a great mom!

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answers from Chicago on

I just felt like I had to reply because one thing jumped out at me, and that is your health.

Typically, people who have success and feel better on Atkins have one thing in common- gluten sensitivity. If you are also dealing with IBS, I would be willing to bet this is the case for you. It can wreak havoc with your thyroid too :( You don't *necessarily* have to have Celiac's to have a sensitivity either. People react to gluten in different ways, not to mention that the Celiac tests are not extremely reliable, unfortunately. We did a 2 month challenge to rule it out for my family and we all felt so much better, we never went back to it (it's been a year now.)

I really can't speak to the other, but I think if you start feeling healthier and more self-confident, the other will fall into place. ((hugs))

If you want to contact me more about diet stuff, please feel free. I started blogging about a year ago here: about our diet changes and health.


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answers from Chicago on

Your health is very important...What you put into your body can affect how you feel significantly. If you are on birth control pills, they can lower your sex drive so much that you would be perfectly ok with never having sex again...based on how you feel (been there...) Hormone imbalance will do the same thing. I would think about doing a food journal...try eliminating certain types of foods and see how you feel. Also you may want to do more research on your symptoms. I never assume a doctor is correct until their methods work. If the meds aren't working for you, then there is a possibility that the doctor is wrong.

several years ago I started having abdominal pains, hair loss, tiredness and NO sex drive. I went to several told me it was my bladder, another said it was depression, another said he had no clue. Turns out I had a candida problem. I went on a candida diet and lost weight fairly easily, just by restricting certain food groups (bread, anything with yeast (check labels because it is a preservative in most processed foods) and sugar). I also took probiotics and other natural supplements. 8 months later, I had lost 50lbs without exercising. All of my symptoms went away, headaches, sinus infections, uti's, bloating....all gone. The hardest part is not eating bread anymore. After I got pregnant, i went off the diet and now I'm right back where I I decided to go back on the diet.

I think you need to tell him how you feel, that it isn't his fault and that you want to try and figure out how to fix it. Also consider counseling....talking to a neutral party is good and they can help you sort out your feelings and possibly advise you on what to say to him.

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