Hi, a friend of mine has been having problems with her 8 (turning 9 at end of Oct.) son. he has a.d.d. (and is already being medicated), but can't really keep still in school, and sometimes talks out of turn (which isn't really the problem). the problem is that at home, he's been acting up! he's been lying about everything, not cleaning up, pretty much, not doing most of the things he's supposed to do. and when she punishes him, he just doesn't care. she's told him to clean, or what she cleans will be thrown out, taken stuff from him, made him just sit there and do nothing..he just DOESN'T CARE. i told her alot of kids do that, and that usually it's when there another problem...and thought it may be from school. she said that the kids pick on him at school cuz he wont sit still and talks out of turn. he doesn't have any friends in school, only a few from around his grandmother's house. he also likes a girl that doesn't like him, he drew her a picture and she refused that. i suggested throwing him a party and inviting the kids, but when he's invited to their parties, they pick on him, so i really don't know what else to tell her. she asked me to ask everyone i know with boys what to do....so i'm here asking for some advise for her (since i only have a 13 mo. old girl, i really can't help her w/ my personal experience) Does anyone have any tips???
thanks for the suggestions, but my friend isn't hearing anything for what the problem she's having. as i said already, he IS medicated, and the problem with not making friends is in school only. during the weekends she's not having any problems, it's always right after school. at his grandmother's he has friends (they used to live there) and in his former school he had friends, it's just THIS school that he's in (a new district). during the summer, once again, NO PROBLEMS that she can't handle...it's ALL from this school, she just wanted to know what to do about not making friends in THIS school, and how she should handle the problems from school coming home and causing the problems in the home. thanks anyway, she said she'll just deal with it next year when it come around being that they only have a very small amount of time left in school this year and she KNOWS she won't have any of these problems with no school (being summer).
Hi Q.,
my sister went through the same thing when my nephew who is now 26 yrs old and has a lot of riends. My nephew also had A.D.D. She toook him to his doctor and he put him on redalin. Thats for kids with A.D.D.
I know it really helped my nephew. When he was a kid he was wild but once he was on ridalin it really really helped
N.
hi Q., i read your original post as well as your update, i see that the main source of the problems he is having is lack of friends at school, right? assuming the adhd is being managed the best it can be (this is often the reason behind a kid having social problems, the kids label him as weird or whatever, and it can be soooo difficult to overcome). this is not the technically correct advice, especially from a teacher, but what i have seen work most often is for this boy to find a "key" friend. just one kid can make all the difference if its the right kid. he needs to find someone that the other kids all like/respect/follow, a good kid, of course, and find a way to make friends with him/her. the summer can be the key time to do this, since the kids arent in the every day popularity thing of school, and tend to branch out a bit in their friends and activities. mom can help him see it as a "mission" of sorts, very contrived, i know, but it really can work. he should try to "i.d." a kid or 2 that he thinks are good possibilities, someone who doesnt take part in the teasing or who has had a nice word here or there and seems to be a kid who isnt overly controlled by the need to please everyone else, you know, a nice, confident kid with friends in different "groups"... often kids who are good athletes are possibilites. then he should find out something that the kid(s) is/are involved in over the summer, and join. i hope this helps. of course the trickiest part is to present and follow through on an idea like this without making her son feel like he NEEDS this, or like it matters to her at all. the last thing anyone wants him to feel is needy or desperate, or that being fake is a way to make friends, or that mom would ever love him any more or less if he has no friends or a million. she knows her kid best, and will know the best way to try something like this. i think that if it is something that he has shared with her, and if she can approach it in a semi-casual way as something they are doing as a team to help him find a good friend at school, which can be hard for anyone, then it should be ok. i wish them all the best. take care, D.
My step sons mom has the same problem with him he just turned 9 in Feb. and lies about everything he actually told her that I locked him in my boiler room for six hours Funny huh! She is taking to see a shrink because the teschers told her that he has ADHD but when the shrink ran the tests it came back negative he is just hyper and just wants all the attention does not like it when other kids get the attention and he dosent. He just started going to the shrink we will see if that works, but, maybe your freinds kid need to talk to someone, she should take him to see a pshycologist maybe it will work for her.
I have four kids of my own 14,13,2 1/2 and 7months old never had this problem with my older ones, so all I can do is guess.
Good Luck
I may be stepping out of line here but there are books about ADD And ADHD that will tell you how to treat it with out medications. The thing about it is that if it is a diet problem the medication may not help like for instance if it is a milk allergy it can cause him to have the symptoms of hyperactivity and the meds may not help it can cause them to act up badly. There are lots of books on the subject and it could be as simple as just eleminating a food out of his diet. I went through this with my godsons parents not to long ago they had him on medications and it was not working they finally kept a food journal and started elimating certain foods milk was one of the biggest problem. You could tell her to try and when he is acting up to give him a scoop of real peanut butter meaning that the ingredients have no additives and that it list on the jar of peanut butter just peanuts and salt. That could calm him down. It is one of the things that some of the books suggest to do also whole wheat bread and peanut butter. It may not work but it is worth a try. The fact that you say that it is only when he is in school that she is having problems could very well suggest a problem with something that he is eating at school too. Especially if he is eating school lunches. That is just a thought I hope that it helps and works out for your friend.
My oldest son also has ADHD. He's almost 12 and has had very similar problems. The trick to cleaning is to make it VERY simple. Children with ADHD/ADD can't comprehend "go clean your room". That is a huge task for them to complete. It has to be done in steps, and with a time limit. For example, she can set an egg timer for 5 minutes and tell him that before the bell goes off, all of his clothes MUST be in the hamper. Praise him when it's done, then move on to the next task. This will take a long time, both in the work itself and getting him to the point that he can do it on his own. I still have some problems with this, but it is much better. As for the friends, I wish I could help with this. My son had no friends until we moved to another state last year. He was excluded from birthday parties, had no sleep overs and even had NO ONE show up to his own birthday party in 1st grade. I stopped with birthday parties after that. Solicit the help of some teachers. Does he have an IEP at school? Does he have any talents that can be focused on at school? My son excels in music and he has found wonderful friends in both chorus and band. Unfortunately, children don't really forget a child that is "disruptive". This will be difficult for him if he has no one "on his side" at school. Please feel free to contact me if you have any other questions. I will do my best to help.
Have her buy the book "Taking Charge of ADHD" There are suggestions with the "chip" system. You need to have a lot of patients with these children. She needs to get him to a really good DR. Not just any DR to give him Meds. There are always problems with the meds. There are certain foods he should avoid. Sounds to me she needs to do more research on the subject. Here is a website:
She has to also request, in writing, to the officials at her school, for her son to be testing for Special Ed. Must be done in writing. She needs to get all the resources she can NOW and quickly. This is the only way she can help him. People need to be educated as many people are saying exactly what you wrote. The child isn't choosing to do these things. It isn't that he DOESN'T care.... She really needs a better handle on ADD OR ADHD.
Good luck to your friend
Hi:
you might want to refer your friend to Resources for Children with Special Needs (they have awebsite and they also sponsor a special needs day cam for the summer). They will help her get a structure set up so that these kind of behaviours can be channeled. She might want also to contact Big Brothers. My friend has a son who was diagnosed addh and getting a big brother really helped him as well as resources for children.
Is his little boy on any medication for his a.d.d.?
It sounds like he could do well on it.
Is this child receiving any form of treatment to address his ADD diagnosis? Counseling, medication, behavior modification plans, etc? If not, maybe mom can find some support and answers at www.chadd.org
As a child therapist & school counselor, I have seen first hand, the damage untreated disorders can have on children. Specifically children with ADD/ADHD, they often feel "different" or "wierd" and it is very common for them to experience social difficulties and feel depressed.
So, my best advice is for mom and child to get involved in some form of treatment and supportive counseling services. Hope that helps and your friend is lucky to have your support!!!
I had a brother who was diagnosed with ADHD when he was young and had many of the same problems. He was on Ritalin and it actually made him worse, suicidal. He couldn't sit still, had no friends, acted up, and the list goes on. It turns out that when he got to highschool he calmed down and sort of outgrew the jittery movement and lack of focus. I spent years studying psychology and have come to my own conclusion. I think he was misdiagnosed. I believe he has a condition know as Asperger's Syndrome which is a relatively newly recognized form of mild autism. Many children with this are misdiagnosed as ADD or learning disabled. I'd suggest your friend get a second and even third opinion on his disorder, especially if he is on some form of meds and they are not working. ADD is the most commonly misdiagnosed psychological disorder in children and is blamed for everything from autism to a just plain bad attitude. If it turns out he's diagnosed incorrectly his treatment can be changed and things will hopefully improve from there.
First of all, does he take any kind of medication that might help him?
Second, has his mom tried getting him involved in a group outside of school, such as a church youth group or boy/cub scouts?
Sometimes when a child is getting picked on in school, it's best to get them into activites where they can socialize with a new set of children because the teasing will just continue if his "School" mates are involved.
Also, there are bullying laws, tell his mom to look into discussing that with the principal. No child should have to live with being picked on in school. I wish they had those laws when I was in school. Teasing definately leaves scars.
Best wishes!
