Not Liking My Own Son Who Is Soon to Be 3 Years Old.

I know exactly what you are going through. I felt the same thing about my 3yr old. I loved my little smiley guy that was content with anything I gave him and didn't have tantrums or his own ideas about things like his big brother had! The disliking stopped (or started for the little one which evened things out) as soon as my little one got into temper tantrums - he's starting the "twos" early. I think that you will get better! Good luck.

Hi - I understand because sometimes I get annoyed with my children and how much energy they require. But at the end of the day when all is cleaned up and we are able to just peacefully play a game together I appreciate them and love them so much. I think you need some perspective. What if he wandered out in the cold and froze to death? You couldn't bear it. Try to appreciate the simple loving times.

Relax. Don't feel shamed by other moms who don't understand your feelings. IT'S HIS AGE. Figure out what you like best about your relationship with him and expand on that. Of course you love him, but love is not like a fairy tale every minute of the day, parenting is hard work. Many other moms left great advice, take only the good from the comments, don't let others make you feel worse than you already do. Also, let your husband know that you are stressed, sometimes they just don't see it :)

Hi L.,

I just wish I could give you a HUGE hug right now because I know this is weighing you down in so many ways. I struggled with being a new mom when my son was tiny. I never knew it could be so difficult or that all the love I had for this tiny infant could possibly be put on hold for a few moments while I relished in the lament I had for his behavior. Thankfully, like you, I knew it wasn't right and I needed help. You are going to make it through this.

I like the advice of spending separate time with him, it will help. Use you daughter's nap times to just sit and color or watch his favorite movie. It doesn't have to be a big production. Just time to sit and enjoy him for his sweet tender side you know is in there somewhere.

I started letting my boys help out with the dishwasher, cleaning, laundry, whatever I had to get done, when they were just little. Each of them, now 3.5 and 4.5 enjoys that special time of sorting dirty clothes into color piles. They know they are being helpful, I get my jobs done (most of the time)and they are an important part of our family. Even at such young ages, they each have specific chores each day. It's all little stuff, but we do it together and that's how we spend part of our together time. I know it sounds silly and child laborish, but we all have a good time and we all learn from the experiences.

Try letting your little guy help you with something. Start small...maybe helping take sheets off of the beds. That's a favorite in our house because they get to be slightly destructive! Sort clothes in color piles, match sippy cups or bottles with their lids to put them away, even tear up the lettuce for a salad for dinner. Simple, just let it be fun.

I am praying for you, I know you need encouragement, I just wish I could send some through email! Tell your husband how you feel too, he may not understand, bu tell him anyway. Ask him to take the baby so you and your son can go grocery shopping or walk to the mailbox, or anything. Just reconnect.

Lots of love is going your way right now. I hope you feel some of it while reading these responses.

Take care and feel God's blessing!

K.

Hang in there! What you're feeling is totally normal. I remember right before my son turned three, many of my friends whose first kids are a few years older and their second children just a few months older than my son would say often, "I just hate 3! I can't wait until he/she turns 4!" I didn't know what they meant until my son, who is my firstborn was close to three, and then I knew! Luckily I had all these friends with 5 and 6 year olds to reassure me it was only a phase.

My son who is now a mostly-wonderful 4 was just awful at 3! Our daughter was born when he was 2.5, and he became clingy, needy, mouthy, refused to be potty trained until after he turned 4.............there were days I didn't like him very much either. I think he was bored, and at the same time, although he never purposely hurt her, somewhat jealous of his sister and the attention of mine she was getting. He's always been a little more difficult in comparison to his sister (more needy, sensitive, etc....), and it's hard not to compare and sometimes like her more. Like you, I have a wonderfully patient husband, and he really helped during that year.

I'm not sure where you live, but perhaps you can check into some ECFE or preschool programs where you can drop him off for a few hours of "boy play time" for a reasonable fee, or use this site to hook up with some other stay-at-home-moms for some play dates. Sometimes just a little time away makes both parties appreciate each other.

One place my son just LOVED was the Edina Family Center. We still go to their summer programs. I don't live in Edina, but they accept nonresidents and have just wonderful programs for kids of all ages. They have "block time" which is up to 3 hours, up to 3 days a week, where for an hourly fee, you can drop your kids off with child care professionals at the family center. They also have other preschool-type programs. They have a web site connected to Edina Public Schools - don't have the site address in front of me, but are easy to find.

If that doesn't work, check out your public schools' ECFE programs and local churches for preschool programs for kids as young as 2. There are several music classes through the Family Music Center (they require parents to attend, but they are a great way for both of your children to experience music together) and lots of programs through local nature centers and libraries too.

However, If your feelings get more negative and serious and you feel like you want to hurt your child, please call someone and ask for help.

Take care and know you're not alone.

L., I feel for you because those are difficult thoughts and feelings to grapple with. First, remind yourself they are only thoughts and feelings, and we have a variety of thoughts and feelings for many different reasons, some of which we do not always understand. I trust your behavior toward your son is respectful and responsible. I don't really know what is going with you, but some ideas that come to mind include: The one you mentioned, your son is at age where demanding is normal, and he is becoming his own person, with his own thoughts and feelings and is not pliable like a little one. Children have different tempermants and possibly experiencing your daughter's congenial tempermant shines a light on your son's more active tempermant. It is ok to prefer one of our child's tempermant's over the other. Many parents find a greater affinity with one of their children over another. We all have certain types of people we like better than others, our children are not excluded from this. It is important to focus on the things you do cherish about your son. Maybe look at his baby pictures and remember how sweet he was, or see clearly he was a less pliable child from the begining. Challenge yourself to grow by reaching out to his personality and learning how to connect in ways that are different for you. Do not try to stop your thoughts and feelings, just let them pass by, don't take them too seriously. Set aside time with just your son and experience him without any comparison to your daughter. And enjoy your daughter without guilt. Best Regards.

I have 3 kids and have prefered each one over the others at any given time. Nothing to feel bad about. But it is a good idea to try to fix a chronic problem.

Your son is at a challenging age, but it's also my bet that he senses your frustration with him and that makes him much needier (all the "I want" "I need" stuff). It's all totally normal. With my kids, I have found that spending some time doing something happy with them on their own makes them much nicer people! It's tricky--when you need the break from them the most, they sense it and get nervous and need you more. If you give alittle, they regain a sense of security and are happier themselves (less annoying). So, does he likes trains? puzzles? Simon Says? If you drop everything (daughter too) and spend 5-10 minutes just doing one of these things with him a couple times a day, I will bet you see a difference in how he acts and how you are feeling about him! Hope it works!

1st of all 'terrible 2's' didn't exist in our house - my boys were awesome at 2 - it's when they were approaching the 3's that they turned into little terrors!
I think part of it is his age, it is a tough age because they demand your time as well as in your case a new child in the family - he could be responding to having a little sister and not getting the attention he once received.
I do remember when my 1st son was in pre-school and they sent home a paper that I was supposed to write what I loved about my son on it and send it back to school for him to see. I remember thinking, Omigosh, what Do I love about him? because he was such a little stinkpot at the time.. it made it really hard for me to come up with something. of, course I felt horrible for feeling that way, but once I realized I was feeling that way, I really tried hard to really think about all the positive things I really did love about him.
Our kids are going to frustrate us many times throughout our lives and hey, they quite frankly aren't going to love us at times either.
hope it helps to know other mom's have had these feelings as well... gotta run... and my youngest will be 3 April 1st and he has no interest in potty training either!

As a mother of 4 children myself, ages 7,5,5 and 5, it is VERY disheartening to hear you say any of this. At 2-3 years of age, children are learning independence, extending their verbal skills...just trying to figure life out. With a new addition to the family, he is probably questioning his security, having to share his time with you with a new sister, and if you feel the way you do about him, he probably feels you don't love him. Children are very smart, smarter than we give them credit for sometimes. Please don't think for a moment that all the love and attention he gets from his dad will make up for what you're not giving him. It is your responsiblilty to provide a loving, safe, and secure environment for both of your children, and if you don't think you can deliver on this, you need to seek help with this. This is not "normal" and I hope you can find room in your heart for both of these precious souls. Best of luck to you.

I think it is very difficult to be a SAHM and that society doesn't really tell you how difficult it will be. Some days I wish I were going off to work and getting away! I appreciated reading your note. I love my daughter, but this week she has been especially needy because she was sick and by the end of the week, I was sick and also burnt out. There is little "off" time for the SAHM and little time to get away and have fresh eyes for seeing your kids. I think your feelings are normal and will pass. I agree with the people who talked about special time. I've tried setting the timer when my toddler is especially whiny, but I need to get dinner cooked. I tell her she gets me for 15 minutes and we can do whatever she wants until the timer goes off. She likes the security of having that time with me.

I have had similar feelings with my dauther who is 2 1/2 versus my son who is 14 months. I have had the feelings since my daughter was born. In the hospital, she cried every twenty minutes and demanded to slepp on my chest. My son cried every 2-3 hours and slept in his bassinet. It has not changed. My daughter is what they now like to fashion as spirited. Every moment with her is difficult. I have read every book there is about raising spirited children and I always have to be on my toes thinking of a creative solution to whatever is confronting us. My son, on the other hand, does not require this level of work and creativity from me. My best outlet--commiserating with moms in similar situations. The ones without "spirited" children do not understand what it is like and are often critical and demeaning. The ones living a similar lifestyle listen better. How to find those moms- go to your local ECFE class and talk to the educators. Most of them are familiar with the other children and moms enough to point you in the direction of a mom in a similar situation.

Dear unloved Son:
Your Mommy wrote here to help how to show her out of balance love better in balance for you too! That is because she cares enough to ask others for help it shows her love for You!

Dear Mom of two.
Each child’s personality will be different for the rest of their lives. Your son is upset because he is getting less Mommy time versus the cute angel sister. One thing that could help is ask him to his capability to help change her diapers maybe. Maybe he will start to see all you do and did for him too and begin to appreciate it more! It will take his mind off himself and still give some quality time if Mom stands by and his coach! Even if you have to spend 60 percent of the time with one or the other they both deserve your "undivided" attention. How to do that? Plan dates with your three year old for example dates to watch potty training videos and practice using the toilet. A fast way I hear to get that done is switch to cloth diapers of one that not as absorbent and kids will change their mind real fast about that issue of using a toilet. Make sure the toilet has toddler sized seat on top for him to use and a simple firm step stool to help him get on to it. But be there for him because still a toddlers head probably weighs close to the rest of his body? Not sure on that one.

Do things with each one separately, do things together with both as a team. Find toys both that he would benefit from but are baby safe for both to use. Teach him to recognize the baby sounds and what they mean. Hug him and he will hug back most likely. Smile at him and maybe he will smile back. Be able to say No and this is the rule we agreed to follow. And give him a timeout or leave the room when the battle may ensue. Get back in there and try to help him if needed to follow the rule and or ask him to tell you what the rule is!
:-)

Make the rule very easy to do by making with him pictures of the steps in the rule.
Take a chill break too yourself. It is normal to feel this way when one is an angel (for now) and one is needier and OLDER and Better able to express their Need. The Need is Need for Attention probably! Give it and see what happens after the point he is testing you that you will give him his attention time. Dad will be his buddy Great and Mom will be his sisters Buddy also good but still Mom and Dad must be buddies and coaches and parents of all their children until the child learns self parenting steps and can back away a little.

I am no expert but a parent of now a 7 year old Girl and learned a lot a much too late for our 7 year old. One thing I did leave out your children is you listen will help You parent them at some point as ours did, probably! Dad this is how I am supposed to be disciplined! Dad I leaned that already! Mom I hate you! For loving me enough NOT to spoil me rotten and trying to make a good person out of you that I know is deep inside there somewhere. If this does not work them counseling with the 3 year old to see if he has an attention problem etc. might be of help too. I speak from experience! Our child may have ADDHD Inattentive not a surprise however.

A great RN in that field told us our outcome and frustration is NORMAL due to our child "personality" and trying the NORMAL things to teach and control her done work but to be Extremely complimentary, and enthused when She does something you need her to do but immediate and do a special hold to get her attention or a timeout or leave the room if you must. This advice did wonders for US at the Seven Year mark now it seems quiet and so fast happiness for all! And Better Grades too boot! Learning Her way and Her need to be specially given Her type of need for Attention. Immediate, focused and with follow through. But more of the Good attention and less and less of the Negative Attention! It works! More Postive Attention. Less Negative Attention Attention is what they want no MATTER how they get it. look up the word "OPPOSITIONAL" on a search engine and you might learn something a lots quicke than we did. We did almost everything right excepting on the WRONG "kid" now back on track Hooray!
And the responses below should be much experience and help too

It saddened me to hear what you wrote. I'm very sorry that you feel this way to your son. There are times when I become so stressed out and I feel like my daughter is so needy and wanting things but it's because they are babies. I would suggest that you create a special time where the two of you cuddle or read a book, so that you can be close to one another. Little baby hugs and kisses are comforting and help you to remember what makes your child so so so special. I've heard that 3's are worse than 2's so I urge you to hang in there. If your feelings do persist maybe seeking out someone to talk with would be beneficial, your little boy needs you alot and needs your love more than anything. Good Luck!! Peace and Love

L.-
I think it is completely normal to have days when you don't "like" your children or more specifically, how they are acting. I'm not so sure it's healthy to feel like you don't love your children. I believe the 2's and 3's are very tough ages and perhaps it would help you to take part in a parenting/ECFE class or maybe even talk with a counselor who can help you sort out your feelings. Every parent has their favorite and not-so-favorite ages. Maybe the 2's are just not a favorite for you. I would, however, do whatever you can to sort out your feelings with a professional so that your son does not pick up on it. Good luck . . .

sounds like your son is a typical toddler...your 15 month old is 'perfect' right now because she cannot talk yet, she doesn't have the "I want I need thing yet'...but she will...

it could be that you are overwhelmed with catering to the whines of a toddler...ask for help, you already did the right thing by 'admitting' you have these feelings and have the guilt along with it...

I haven't had these feelings towards my son, so I wouldn't know how to help you in making yourself feel 'loving' towards him...only to feel for you it must be very hard, even to admit it...

maybe find some time for just you and him to spend together, so you and he can create a healthier bond...so you can get to know his I wants and his I needs, and maybe learn to cater to them a bit before he asks...well demands....

he will pick up on your feelings, and probably won't understand them at all...the best thing you can do is talk to someone and get help at least understanding why you feel this way.

(((HUGS)))

There are times when I like one of my children more than the other. My older son has only recently been diagnosed with Sensory Issues, so some of my frustrations with my different feelings towards them can be explained by that. My youngest was a super easy baby, but starting at about age 2, he had his own challenges as well.

Some of it is an age thing. Some of it is that kids have different personalities. If I have a choice to take one child over the other, I choose my 5 year old over my 6 1/2 year old because I spend less time dealing with behaviors and more time just enjoying each other's company. Part of it is the disability and part of it is the fact that my younger son and I have more in common.

I noticed that you are a SAHM (assuming that is what you mean by homemaker). How much time do you get out to do things for yourself? We are only as good to your kids as you are to yourself. I know it's hard when you have kids to go out and leave them. Do things with your hubby. Do things with your girlfriends. Do things for yourself.

(Although I work fulltime as a teacher, I did stay home with the kids for about 6 months and ended up going back to work. Part of it was that I actually found a job close to home, but the kids were also driving my crazy and I was losing my joy of being a parent because I was doing it 24/7. I had to get the village involved in raising the kids.)

Oh, L., I feel for you! I love being a mom so much, but there are days when I wonder why I did this to myself! :-) And I only have one!!!

I also agree with so many of the posts here. Three is a HARD age! (Terrible Twos seem to be a thing of the past and three is the tough one.) Adding a new baby to the house has to make it even more complicated. Self care and sharing with other struggling moms is extremely important. (And I'm a big fan of counseling!) Also, that special alone time with your son will really help both of you.

I have made a habit of expressing positive things to my daughter at every opportunity. If we're holding hands, I say, "This is my very favorite hand!" If she walks into the room, I say, "There's my precious girl!" If we're driving in the car, I ask her what fun things she sees out the window and say, "You're so smart!" I don't save praise for things she does, but for who she is. If she's reading a book or playing with toys and I walk by her, I stop to kiss her on the top of the head. I constantly tell her I love her.

I'm especially aware of doing this on the days when I don't feel loving towards her--either because of my mood or her behavior. Sometimes the actions proceed the feelings. (I can be soooo frustrated with how my daughter's been acting, then I kiss her on the top of the head and her smell reminds me that she's my little one and I can calm down a bit.) She doesn't know if I'm saying these things because I'm feeling gushes of love or if I'm saying them to cover up my negative feelings. She just hears positive things about herself and feels secure, which seems to improve her behavior. And it keeps me centered on how I really feel as her mom at the core.

I know you love your son just because you posted and are concerned for him. I wish you the best!

im laughing because that is so natural.
i feel the same way, dont worry , it will pass.

I agree with the mom saying that these feelings are definately not normal. Ihave heard moms say this about step children or even teenagers but never about their young children (in the real world anyway). I work in a womens homeless shelter and I see what these feelings do to a child. It really is devastating. Its really sad that a child that gets no love for their parents acts out in ways that a child in a loving home would not dream of. I really think that seeking help for these feelings is much needed. You can talk to any doctor's office and they can refer you to someone that meets your needs. Good luck

Hi L.,
A quick note from a grandmother. You might set aside time to spend just with your son. Sounds like he need some special attention right now. I know it will be heard but it will be well worth the time you set aside for just your son. You will find a way. Maybe he will be willing to help you with chores like gathering the dirty clothes or putting his clean clothes away. Let him help you prepare meals set the table, pick up his toys etc. Don't make them jobs just fun activities. My daughter has done such a nice job of includind her childern in daily activities it is amaizing how much happier they all are. Final comment. Love him hold him kiss him tell him you love him.

You will be just fine and so will he.
Take care and relax.
R.

L., I feel horrible for you having to have these thoughts and feelings running through you. I also...commend you for reaching out for help. That shows that you DO care and it will get better because you want it to. Set some time aside with your son...just you and him...get to know him again. Get to know the boy who loves to cuddle with mommy and who's favorite color is green, etc. You need to know him...that'll be the only way to see him for who he is and you'll be able to overlook the temper tamtrums and back talk a bit more. Start there, and if this doesn't help...I'd seek out a family councelor that could help you connect again and understand your feelings. Good luck to you...I'll pray for you and your family to heal.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. I have a four-year-old, a two-year-old, and am expecting #3 in a few weeks. So we've been through the sibling transition once before and are about to experience it again. My children were not adopted, and I imagine that comes with its own set of challenges. My 2-year-old can be a real handful, and like you, he's very different from his brother. My oldest is very sensitive and laid back, and my second is very intense about everything. Certainly they each get on my nerves sometimes, but we find ways around it.

I think if you're feeling strongly enough that you're asking for help, you're heading in the right direction. It sounds like this isn't something you're able to deal with all on your own, and that's okay. Seek out mom friends, especially those who've had experiences as similar as possible to yours. Talk to your dr. and possibly seek out a counselor to see about getting you the tools to feel better and be the best possible mom. And as a child care provider, I can't say enough good things about education. The training I receive every year as part of my licensing requirements help me care for the children in my day care, but also for my own. And I know that in 99% of cases, parents are welcome--encouraged--to take part in the training, not just child care providers. Try a google search for child care training in your area, and see if there is anything on a topic that might help you, like balancing the needs of different children. Or feel free to email me, and I'll see what I can find for you.

Do what you need to do, so that you and your son can reconnect. Good luck!

Wow, this is really intense! I agree with the other posts; you may just be overwhelmed by the toddler stage. My boys are 6 & 3, and there have been times where I think I've expected my older son to act older or more mature than he is, because I'm dealing with the younger one, so I got frustrated more easily with my older son. (If that makes sense.) It wasn't fair to my older son, or to yours.

You really need to spend some one on one time with him and remember all the wonderful, special, and unique things about him...and in the mean time, fake it 'til it's true again! You also should have some time by yourself to recharge your batteries. Maybe you're burned out and your son has become an easy scapegoat??

Anyway, my boys also talk ALL THE TIME! There are times where it grates on the nerves, but they're figuring out the world, and are curious and using their imaginations. So it really is a good thing.

I don't know what to tell you exactly...I think that if these ideas aren't working maybe you should talk to a therapist or something?? Good luck!

It sounds like you're having such a hard time right now!

This isn't something I know a lot (or really even a little) about, but I'm sure that I've read articles about post-adoption depression, i.e. the equivalent to post-partum depression for adoptive parents. Could this possibly be part of what's happening with you?

Maybe the agency you used for the adoption would be able to refer you to someone who could help- a counselor of some sort?

I have a 4-year old son and am due to have my second son next week. I imagine the difficulty of balancing the needs of two children, and can only imagine how hard it will be. To have one child in a "difficult phase" and the other not, could certainly compound the problem. 3-year olds can be difficult and demanding even when they aren't adjusting to a new sibling.

Have you spoken with your husband about how you've been feeling?

I think it's encouraging that you're concerned about your son's perception of your feelings. It's clear that you care about your son. I strongly encourage you to find someone you can talk to about these feelings- a counselor, a therapist, your general practitioner, or if you are religious, perhaps your priest or minister. Sometimes we all need help and it sounds like this might be one of those times for you.

I wish you all of the luck in the world and hope that things improve for you soon!

M.