"Not Interested" in Learning

Updated on June 11, 2008
C.B. asks from Queenstown, MD
27 answers

My son is 4. Everytime we try and "teach" him something (such as ABC's or numbers) he stops us and says "I don't want to learn. It's no fun" then goes back to his trucks. I have played games and they have worked briefly but it worries me that he is so resistant. He was in a private nursery school this past year and they did only crafts, very little letter or number acknowledgement(which I was surprised)I think he is ready for it because he does good when we do the games before he loses interest. Any suggestions? Also anyone that has experienced this would help greatly.

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So What Happened?

Thanks for everyone's response. I actually got quite a few helpful tips. I will not worry so much although with such comments as "back off" I think some of you took my question too seriously. Just to update what I asked: My son is great with counting and his abcs, just not recognizing them. All I wanted was a little feedback on how to engage him. That's it! Thanks again and I have certainly received enough help!

Featured Answers

D.S.

answers from Allentown on

Hi C.,

You may be in the beginning phase of a discipline or behavioral issues.

www.kidspriorityone.org

www.chkd.org Parent Support Group/Children's Hospital of The Kings's Daughters

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

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K.W.

answers from Washington DC on

I think this is very common among children this age. My 4 year old used to be the same way and still has his moments when he simply isn't interested in any "formal instruction." My advice to you is to give him time and don't force the issue. Also, remember that a 4 y.o. learns a lot through play! So, although it might not seem like it, he is learing all the time. And just because he doesn't cooperate during your "learning time" doesn't mean that he doesn't already know some of the material you are trying to teach him. Keep being creative with your methods of teaching. Try having him play learing games on the computer on the sesame street or playhouse disney web sites. Take him to the library during preschool story time, where there are other kids around. There are lots of fun games to play around the house that can reinforce letters and numbers. Google it on the computer and you will come up with hundreds of resources to get ideas.

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J.F.

answers from Richmond on

Dear C.,
I speak as a mom of four, a previous preschool teacher and previous public school tutor.
What I hear you saying is that your son is both imaginative and fun loving! Those are great qualities! My suggestion would be to meet him where he's at! In other words, make learning fit in with his personality! Get down on the floor and play-act with him while you weave in some learning!
Here's an example of what I mean: while he's racing his trucks, act out going to the pump to fill up with gas and counting the gallons pumped...one, two three, etc. He doesn't need to have formal learning or rote reiteration at that age, just exposure. Also, don't concern yourself with his response. Just make it a part of his fun and he will later surprise you with how much this exposure paid off.
Blessings!
J. F.

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M.R.

answers from Roanoke on

Is there any way you can enroll him in a Montessori program, even just a couple mornings a week?

The curriculum is designed around child initiated learning, and fosters a love for learning. They have 'jobs' which are toy-like games that are things they play with, but are learning at the same time.

Some things you can do to help foster learning at home, is find toys that are fun, and also learning. Dot to dot alphabets or numbers. Leapfrog has a DVD called Letter Factory that helps with sounds and letter recognition. They also have a set of fridge magnets that you plug into a device to hear the letter and sound.

The dollar store has little hand held toy that mixes up numbers, and you have to move them around to get them in order, that's a great car toy.

Other good number toys: measuring tape (let them measure things around the house) and a scale to weigh strange objects (they love the scale in the produce section)

There are puzzles that are floor puzzles with the alphabet on it.

If he actually likes crafts (my boys only like crafts for very short periods) you can have him glue cereal or macaroni to paper using groups of numbers.

You can have him help you make a recipe, trying to read how many of things, or just watching you measure, while he mixes.

Not all kids are jazzed at the same time, some are more interested in learning right now than others, Others will be interested at another point. He'll catch on. You don't really have to be 'teaching' ... he'll learn though play. But you can tailor his play without him knowing it :)

Another craft idea: beading a necklace with 4 red beads, 6 yellow and 12 blue (that kind of thing) and he can also learn about patterning this way.

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L.N.

answers from Washington DC on

i agree with most posters. he doesn't have to learn at this age. even if you decide he should know some things, do that through fun things.
i'll give you a suggestion in a minute here, just wanted to explain what i did. i have twins. at around 3 years of age one was ready to get started with letters. ok. she was easy to get her up to speed. her twin sister had no interest. fast fwd 4 months, the second one still had not learned one letter and/or sound. around that time i got them the DVDs letter factory and word factory. fast fwd a few weeks into it my second one knew all her letters and sounds which she learned from the letter factory DVD. so pretty much they were at the same level of letter/sound recognition. the first one is eager to start writing and reading. so, we got some workbooks (PRE-k) at barnes and noble that deal with letters and numbers. they never knew they were actually learning, they thought it's just a game. well, they're almost 4 now and can both write all the letters, they know their sounds, and can write their own names, first and last, and mine as well.
even so, i would have not cared whether they learned this stuff before kindergarden. i am in no hurry, but didn't want the second one to think i was not spending time with her as much as with her eager-to-learn sister.
worked for all of us.
so consider those two DVDs. go to amazon and I believe you get free shipping. the last toy that gets recommended for purchase by amazon along these two DVDs is a toy with detachable letters. i got that one as well. i think it's called word whammer. girls have no interest in that toy, and frankly, it's quite advanced for them at this point. so, from my perspective, that toy should be considered much later, when kids start learning how to build words.
good luck

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S.M.

answers from Washington DC on

I would say that is very normal 4 year old behavior. Be subtle with your "teaching" - read the names of stores that he likes, ask him to find the name of a character in a book, have him count with you when you are cooking (reading a recipe), etc. - crafts are actually great teaching tools. If he feels pressured, he will just be more resistent.

It doen't mean he isn't learning, he is just doing it his own way. And it doesn't mane he won't do well in school, kids do differently for their teachers and peers than their parents. You are NOT his teacher- just be his mom and encourage him to learn where he can, but he doesn't need "education" in any formal sense from you.

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C.D.

answers from Washington DC on

Hi C.,
Looks like you got some good words of wisdom already. I may just be reiterating what has already been said but, felt compelled to chime in. I have a newly turned 4 year old daughter and I've tried to get her excited about writing her letters and recognizing them. My daughter is in pre-school and I just felt like she was behind. She would totally buck my efforts at the formal sit down teaching style thing too.
I asked her teachers what she is 'supposed' to be doing now and they told me very little. And that it was totally normal to have a child this age not like the formal teaching-learning style. I decided to totally stop trying that approach, I didn't want her to hate it later when she starts school.
It turns out that the PEER situation can be very influential with learning at this age. With my daughter (who's a bit of a show off) she likes the collaborative group learning. Even if she's not the one answering the questions, she 'gets it'.
I know you've tried to make games and that it wears off after a little while. You might try the letter a day game. Make 26 3X5 cards and put one letter on each. Each morning have him pick a card and that's the letter of the day then work with him to come up with one word that begins with that letter. Periodically throughout the day play 'I spy' for the letter of the day. Have him look for it in the books that he looks at, in the street signs. Don't push too hard, you may think he's not looking but he really may be, if you bring it up too much, he'll stop. It's a fine balance to achive but, it's an all day game so there's a natural end point. It he spys 3 words, celebrate it by going to the dollar store and buying an item that starts with that letter, have him help you look for an item too.
My daughter is very competitive and she really gets in to the I spy game--in the car the park everywhere. It's a good one on one activity.
I really do promote at least the part time pre-school environment--they're the pros. I have my girls at the Young School and they do follow the state guidelines for pre-school education. If you do try a day school again part time, look for one that follows the state 'Readiness to learn' guidelines.
Finally, don't stress about it. He's going to be OK even if you don't do anything. You are mom, non-judgemental, warm and loving. You have the arms that will give him a hug at the end of that first day of school and all the bad days he'll ever have ahead, you don't care if he gets it right, just that he gives it his best when he does try. That's all YOU have to teach him.
Good luck

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S.K.

answers from Washington DC on

Hi C.,

Here's my first suggestion, although I don't agree with kids NEEDING preschool...

Playful Learning
14301 Laurel Bowie Rd [rt. 197: cross rd is Cherry Lane]
Laurel, MD 20708
###-###-####

However, as I said, I don't agree with what our kids are being pushed into these days. My mother in law was a preschool teacher for twenty years, she retired about three years ago, and says the curriculums are not age appropriate. Kids are expected to know letter numbers, colors and such before they even get to kindergarten. That used to be what kindergarten was for. I'll get off the soap box now, it just burns me up.

Also, one of the problems may be that you're mom! My daughter is reluctant to learn from me, and I've heard that's pretty usual. But she had no problem learning from other people.

That's why I suggested the school, if you can. The pre-K program is $170 per month. I don't know if they still have spaces, but it doesn't hurt to ask. It was recommended to me by a good friend who's daughter loved it. She had been in another preschool that didn't actually teach anything, so she was delighted with PL and feels her daughter is well prepared for kindergarten this Fall.

And if you can't, I read some other great suggestions here...

-S.

P.S. I was just reading some suggestions from the bottom, and saw that someone else takes advantage of pbskids.org and such. My daughter loves that stuff. In fact, she's bugging me to get off the computer now! Another really good show, I think, is called Super Why, on PBS. It's a reading show. Around here it's on, I think, at 8:30 on channel 22.

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K.H.

answers from Norfolk on

My Grandson had no interest in learning at four, he wanted to play all the time. I bought him all the things I could think of to encourage him, but to no avail. It turned out that he is dyslexic. We now live in France and they do not teach reading and writing until they are seven, so he moved here at the right time. Reading is still a trial for him, but they teach cursive from the start and that has helped enormously. He still has a problem with capital letters. These days after a year and a half here, he is a good student, fluent in French and English eager to learn and very curious. He still prefers to play rather than do homework, but that is because there are so many things outside for him to learn. My husband and I read a chapter from two different books each evening to him and he is quite capable of carrying both stories in his head. So don't worry about your son he will learn at his own pace. He may have a problem with letters, but that will show itself later when he is ready to learn, at the moment make the most of his play. Boys often have a very short attention span. (So do men!)

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J.P.

answers from Washington DC on

C.- At four years old, a child's job is to play. But, you can slip learning into that play in a natural way that doesn't seem like teaching. Try the game Cariboo- it deals with shapes, colors, numbers, and letters but kids love it b/c it's play!

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K.W.

answers from Washington DC on

My son was also very resistance to learning. I tried not to push him but by kindergarten he still didn't know the ABCs. Truly he seemed to struggle with learning symbols. We had him tested for eye problems or developmental problems. Nothing. Then all of sudden things clicked and he not only seemed motivtaed to learn but picked things up at lightning speed.

I'd say don't push him...yet. And make sure he is in a good school that will work on his timeline and keep him motivated.

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K.B.

answers from Washington DC on

I went threw the same thing. My daughter is 4 and it was very hard to get her interested. I'm not one who lets my kids watch a lot of tv but the "Letter Factor" and "Word Factor" by leapster worked wonders! After the third time watching it she about had all her letters down. I would right the letter of the week on her right hand each day and let her pick the color. That was a little fun too. Now she knows all the letters and sounds so we are now working on spelling words. I also just bought a leapster for in the car and that seems good too. I know tv and video sounds bad but It worked and now that she knows them we don't watch the videos anymore. It was a great learning tool. Hope it works for you.

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L.L.

answers from Dover on

I would find a good Pre-K program that has an even mix of fun and "learning" (which is hard to tell apart from play at this age) and enroll your little guy. My son wouldn't sit still long enough to even color or paint until he was in preschool, and then that all changed. He's still more interested in running around, but he's learned TONS this past year and now he's ready for kindergarten! The best way to find a good school (in my opinion!) is word of mouth from other moms, so start asking around :)

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R.H.

answers from Norfolk on

You need to teach him the value of learning. My daughter used to do that. So now when ever i do something i tell her about when i learned to do it, how easy or hard it was and what i did to over come it. Like reading, I read to her every night. I have since she was born. One day when we set down i told her it was her time to start helping. I got an easy book. Not one that was easy to read but one easy to memorize. (If you give a mouse a cookie) I read it to her every night. for a week and she Memorized it. I told her ofter she had that she had learned that book she could tell it now. (And she did) But that started things.

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K.L.

answers from Washington DC on

Hi C.! I don't really have any advice (but it looks like you got a lot of good ideas already!) I just wanted to let you know that I was/am in the same boat. My 6 year old is almost finished with first grade and she has had a fantastic year. She was NEVER interested in learning and I didn't push it until Kindergarten. While she was in Kindergarten I sat with her at the kitchen table doing homework and every day it ended with her in tears, the pencil thrown on the floor, etc. We seriously contemplated not sending her to first grade (she barely makes the school cut-off anyway, being born at the end of August) but we sent her, and thank goodness we did. Out of nowhere she LOVES everything about school. She is in the highest reading group. She took a spelling test once without even looking at the words beforehand (we were on a little vacation) and she got them all right. My point is, sometimes it just needs to "click" with kids. Not all of them are like this, I understand that. But just something to think about. I also have a 4 year old who has one more year of preschool. She's not interested in learning either. So, I'll continue to play games with her (they learn when they play, too!) and show her The Letter Factory DVD, and once kindergarten starts we'll really get "serious". And one more thing - I read someone saying that some kids won't listen to parents but will listen to teachers. I think that is totally true, in my case at least. So even if you don't start serious preschool shopping (I personally wouldn't bother), your son will get what he needs once he's in Kindergarten. Good luck to you!

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K.H.

answers from Norfolk on

Hi C.,
I also had this problem with my oldest so I understand what you are going through. My son loved the leapfrog dvd letter factory. He watched it everyday and before I knew it he was pointing out letters to me and telling me their sounds. I also am a kindergarten assistant and we use a lot of music that is fun but also helps them with letters and letter sounds and counting. I would be more than happy to burn you some of the songs and send them to you. Another thing is that my oldest did better setting down and learning with someone other than myself. He is just finishing his first year of school and has done wonderful. I would not push to hard and try and make it fun. I have a bunch more ideas of things you can do but don't want to make this too long to read so if you would like to hear about them send me an email at ____@____.com

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S.M.

answers from Washington DC on

I read a post on here about using a cookie pan and the magnetic letters and numbers for a fun car toy on a trip. My almost 3 yr old boy won't put them away! Your son might like em too. He wants them in the house as well. And my son is BIG into the trucks and trains as well. If your son likes trucks - count trucks. Get number and letter flash cards with trucks, etc. We have two sets with Thomas Train on them. Every child responds to learning in their own way. You have to speak his learning language - right now it sounds like trucks and vehicles. When you play with him just mention with play what letter the toy you are playing with starts with. As you play - line up the trucks and say how many there are and count them. We have a running dialogue all the time that has been working. As we drive somewhere - Jameson - what color is the traffic light and what does that color mean? He knows it's yellow and says that means "caution" It's like living in the Sesame Street house 24 and 7 but it works.(My point is - we RARELY sit down for a "learning" session - we just incorporate it into the chatter of the day) Hope that helps.

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J.G.

answers from Washington DC on

I second the Leap Frog video Letter Factory. My kids didn't want me to teach them. He probably knows more than you know. I was worried about my oldest in PreK not being able to draw simple stick figures (for me). One day she came home from PreK with an entire family of stick people. My second didn't want me to teach her letter/sound recognition. Bought the video before she started PreK - she knew them all in no time! Give him space!!

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M.F.

answers from Washington DC on

Hi C.,

You have to get the "Richard Scarry's Best Learning Video Ever" it is really cute and teaches kids everything (ABC's, numbers, manners, oppisites, etc.) He won't even know he is learning. Did you also try learning computer games? The Dr. Seuss games are really good or Disney, and Jumpstart Toddlers. My kids love them. Does he like reading books with you? You could read books with numbers and ABC's. Or while he is playing with his trucks play games with counting the cars and trucks.

When is your son going to Kindergarten? Kindergarten is full day now and is more like how I remember 1st grade being. The kids are expected to read and write during the year. You might want to consider having him start a year later.

Good Luck!

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A.B.

answers from Washington DC on

I agree with everyone. At 4 it is his job to explore and play. I think the missing piece is preschool. He has to go to preschool because if he is already so resistant when he goes to Kindergarten its going to be a problem. So I would make sure you get him in a 5 day a week preschool. They are trained in balancing what is the best and what is expected from that age. My 4 year old has gone top preschool for two years now and has slowly come around.

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M.T.

answers from Norfolk on

I'm a Kindergarten teacher and a parent of a 5 year old girl. Make it fun! Kids will learn when doing something fun and hands-on. The crafts you speak of are hopefully related to the "letter of the week" or some sort of theme.
I personally have found huge success with practically anything Leap Frog. The DVDs (Letter Factory, Word caper, and more) have been invaluable at home and in my class. There's a lot of singing and great ideas to make the letters/sounds come alive.
I tell the parents of my students to make a pictionary book. Just staple blank pages together and label each at the top with a letter (Aa, Bb, Cc, etc.) On each page, have your child cut out pictures from a magazine and try to figure out which page it needs to be glued on. You can use candy wrappers, fast food wrappers, etc. Kids really know the symbols for McDonalds, Walmart and such. Also, put pictures of grandma, sister (or use her name), dad, mom, your pets, and glue them to the correct page. This is hands on and it means something to the kid. I tell parents not to use pictures of things the kid wouldn't know about (ostrich, quail, wagon, things they might not have any experience with). This makes it their own. You will see the interest grow in your child.
Also, ABC/123 puzzles have been great. You can some with the picture under the letter.
In the grocery store, let your child pick out a cereal but only if it starts with "Cc" (or whatever letter you're working on). Your child will have to look for the letter on the box. Same with candy or any other product. At home have your child push the buttons on the microwave. Tell him the numbers to push. My daughter is able to cook her own food now and all I have to say is "45 seconds, please."
Count out loud with your child (as if you are singing). Count the steps in your house or how many steps to the bathroom. Count as often as you can.
Play words games in the car to pass the time. I say a letter and she tells me something that starts with that letter. Or you could start with your child telling you the letter until he is able to tell you what starts with that letter.
There are also lots of CDs you can get. Dr. Jean used to be a Kindergarten teacher and has lots of CDs to choose from.
I hope that helps:)

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S.M.

answers from Washington DC on

Sometimes children view us as "parents" and not as their "teachers" and they become resistant to our trying to cross over into that teacher role. Maybe you should check into other preschools that have a strong academic curriculum. There are so many in our area (Montessori, preschools in synagogues and churches, private preschools such as the Academy chain in Montgomery County, etc...)
Our preschool uses several curricula.
Good luck!
S.

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S.W.

answers from Norfolk on

I am the mom of two, I would say just lay off the 'learning' for now. Read to him a lot, don't let him watch a lot of TV and don't sweat it. His time will come you don't want to push it and make it miserable for him. Relax, he's only 4 let him just be a child. My DS is 7 and just finished 1st grade, I wish I had waited to put him in K another year. He's super bright but emotionally could have waited.

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Q.F.

answers from Washington DC on

From your description it sounds like he has been tramatized and/or forced "to learn". Knowing this I would not force him but continue to do fun activities w/ him where learning is involved. Like, to teach my daughter numbers we use stairsteps---idea came from 1979 Seseame Street Library vol 1-15. We count the steps as we walk up & down and make a song of it. We have done it so much that when she goes down by herself now she counts as a matter of habit.

Start from what is of interest to him and get a library card for him, if you do not have one already. If trucks are his thing then count the trucks and read ABC books that focus on trucks related or other vehicle related items.

Begin countering his negative focus about learning with positive learning experiences.

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T.G.

answers from Norfolk on

Hi C.,

I totally agree with Kellye. My son is 4 and sounds just like yours. I know he is brilliant he just doesn't like to prove it on my schedule. I know for me, I have found that often the times that I want to teach him something and the times he is in the mood to learn just aren't jiving...

Think of it this way. If you are married, I am sure there are times you may just want to relax that your husband would rather do something more "productive". ;) It's not that you do not ever want to be "productive", just not at the moment. Therefore, one must concentrate on creating the atmosphere conducive of their agenda. Or else wait to pounce when the moment presents itself! :)

Have fun as you entice him into the wonderful world of learning!
Dream big, then climb strong!
T.
www.myparklane.com/tgreenwood

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C.P.

answers from Danville on

We have the Leap Frog Fridge Letters, and for every one you pop in, it sings about the letter, the sound it makes, and it will sing the ABC song. We also have a CD with kids songs, and it includes the ABC song, and if they hear music, it sticks! We'll be homeschooling our kids (my daughter is 4), and we just purchased Happy Phonics, which is nothing but games to teach children how to read, and my daughter, who gets frustrated easily, is having a lot of fun with it.

Taking it easy seems to work for us... I'll just randomly start singing the ABC song, as if I just heard it on the radio, not making it part of a designated learning time. I also took construction paper and made huge letters that we decorated and put up in our dining area, and every time we ate, we'd sing the ABCs, and eventually, my daughter would point to each one as we sang. My son, who turned 2 in November, brought me a "Merry Christmas" pillow in December and pointed to each letter and said the name of the letter out of nowhere, so they will pick up on things if you introduce things very casually. Good luck, and don't stress out about it! As I once read, he won't be 18 and not know how to read!

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A.F.

answers from Washington DC on

Your son is very smart and it is wonderful that he can verbalize his feeligns on early education. Back off! He doesn't need to know ABCs yet. Our society pushes school on children way too early. Read the book entitled, "The Hurried Child". Developmental pshychologists agree that young children should be free to play and explore their world with no pressure to book learning until age 7or 8. Especially this is true for boys. The longer you wait, the faster they learn. Listen to your son. He will let you now when he is ready. AF

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