Not Feeling like a Good Mom

I would be doing the very same thing if I were you! Hang in there...you'll make it through. Deep breath :-) "This too shall pass."

Are you involved in any mom's groups? If not, I would highly recommend it. They can be so supportive and most women are eager to help the other women in their groups. If you'd like some recommendations, just let me know. Don't worry, you will get through this. It seems impossible, but it's going to go by faster than you think. You were entrusted to be a mommy for a reason and you will be a great one!

Don't be so h*** o* yourself! It takes time to recover from being pregnant and a c-section, and breast feeding can be exhausting. I've got a single son (10 yrs old now) and it took me 8 weeks before I felt I finally had a handle on the situation. I had great Mommy and Me class I went to every Wed morning for a few hours (hospital I gave birth at with a great RN that ran it) until my maternity leave was up. It was great! There were first time Moms and experienced Moms and very few of them were very organized at first. It was a great way to feel not so alone (and it's amazing how many Moms feel just like you do right now). You just need a bit of sleep, and you can get some by having a relative or a baby sitter come over for a few hours to watch the kids while you have a nap. You'll get through this!

K., I know exactly how you feel and most women feel the same, but it takes courage to admit. I feel the same, but I seldom tell anyone and that hurts. I do have some suggestion for you though, that might help...

Give yourself a break !!! Put your girl in a mothers day out program several times a week. She needs interaction with other kids her age anyways. It is just natural that she runs around being bored. In that time you can catch up on sleep while your baby is also asleep, or do something else. If money is an issue, you could also hire a teenager during summer school break to come over and play with her for a little bit each day or several times a week. I did that and it worked wonders. I sometimes just went in our bedroom and read a magazine, just to relax and get some energy back. You will see that after that you will be able to interact with her on a much more relaxed level.

Sleep when your daughter is napping, try to get your baby on the same schedule. It will still take some weeks, but you can already start now. A helpul book is : Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth.

Make sure your 21 month old daughter goes to bed on time every night and that she is on a schedule, so you can relax a little. My kids go to bed at 7 pm and that's when my time starts.

If you can afford it, get someone to help clean the house weekly or every two weeks. Just for a while until you can sleep through the night and get that energy back. If you can't afford that, make a plan to clean one room per day.

I know it's to early know, but in about 6 months you can probably start to exercise again and you should in order to feel better. You will gain back your energy, confidence and get your body back in shape. Some fitness places have a daycare where you can leave your baby. Been there done that.

Talk to your best friend about how you feel. Sometimes it just helps to let of some steam. Meet your friend for coffee to talk, without kids at Starbucks for example. It's a nice atmosphaere and you can relax.

Treat yourself to a spa day ( you probably will only have one hour ) at home. Sometimes a facial mask or a warm bath with herbs work wonders .

Make sure you eat enough fruits and veggies for your vitamins. You are burning extra calories and recovering from a C-section. Nutrition is very important.

Last but not least, remember you just had major surgery. I know some people think having a C-section is like getting a tooth pulled out, just because it's so common. I know it is not that easy, I had two already... You need time to recover. Be realistic with yourself. I started working out early after the C-section and that was after 6 months. I still wouldn't be able to run a marathon. (-:
You are breastfeeding !!! That is awesome ! You are a good mother, because you care...

I hope I could help a bit. I am pregnant myself with our 3rd child and all my kids will be 2 years apart. I am sure you will see me asking the same thing in about 5 months.(-:
Maybe you can give me a prep talk then, so I don't go insane. (-:

Dear K.,
You're a great Mom!!! Just think of everything you do for both of your kids, like waking up super early, nursing your little girl every 3-4 hours. That is a lot, I think we all need time to transition from having one toddler to a nursing baby and an active toddler. Take it easy, don't be so h*** o* yourself. After all you just had a major surgery c-section!!! Don't be so h*** o* yourself!! And don't feel bad about not spending time with your older daughter. If she likes books, I would read to her while you breastfeed. And also ask for help from friends and family, we all need an extra hand in the begining.
I was there once with my daughter 2,5 and brand new baby boy who was nursed all the time. It only gets easier with time.
By the way I live in hampton VA, let me know if I can help in any way. My email address is ____@____.com

take care and God bless you!!
S.

Just keep repeating to yourself: Joan Clever is not real, Joan Clever is not real! :) The kids won't be babies forever, so just cut yourself some slack, remember things WILL get easier, and thank God kids usually don't remember things that early on in life. Try making up a schedule or trying new things for getting the kids to sleep, etc...mothering is all trial by error, so you will get the hang of it eventually and find out what's right for your family.

K.~~ you need to reset your expectations. My second child was the night child, up from about 11 pm until around 3 or 4 am!! Then my 3.5 year old woke up around 8 am wanting breakfast etc. I taught her how to use the remote control for the t.v. and how to pour cereal and milk. In the afternoons, we went out to the pool and to the park, relaxing stuff. She is now 14 and not at all "scarred" because she watched a lot of TV when her sister was born!! Right now, you need to focus on eating properly, getting rest when you can and trying to find a schedule that works for you. Every mom goes through this. At the time, I thought i was the only one totally exhausted and overwhelmed. Now the my kids are older and i seem to interact with more moms, i realize that we are all the same in many ways. the mom getting ready to run the marathon with a 6 month old is NOT the norm, amazing as it is. Relax. You will have plenty of time to bake the cookies, make dinner, clean your house etc. Take time now to recover and relax. Take it from a busy mom of three who does cook dinner and clean the house (the cookies however come from the refrigerated section of the grocery store or the bakery aisle).

K.: You are suffering from the Supermom Syndrome. It makes you lose touch with reality, so here's a little exercise: imagine you have a job on a car assembly line and you had major abdominal surgery, and you were expected to go back to work within a few days of this surgery and work a full day--or even overtime--and pretend like nothing had happened. Sounds like medieval torture, doesn't it? Picture doing that AND taking care of a newborn baby at the same time. That's what you've been doing--returning to your job (the two-year-old) with a new baby, on top of major surgery.

That's the first step--to get a grip on what you're confronting. The next is to get some help. A teenage babysitter, or a friend, or a relative, a fellow church member--anything. I don't know your circumstances and I know babysitters are expensive, but exhaustion, physical stress and major sleep deprivation will rob you of your health if you're not careful and that could be even more expensive in the long run.

You may also be at risk for post-partum depression (it's way more common than you might think). Here's a URL for a reputable depression inventory you might be interested in looking at:
http://www.real-depression-help.com/beck-depression-inven...

Finally, quit reading about those mommies with six month olds who are running marathons...and throw out all those People Magazines with celebrities who got the pre-baby body back after only 30 days. Those folks have a whole posse of people doing nothing but helping them, plus the photos are doctored.

Good luck.

Dear K.,
Oh my, I have been there. My children are 21 months apart and my husband also works and travels a lot.
These early days are about survival. You have to reset your expectations for your day (your life) to be simply about surviving each day, resting whenever possible, and making sure your little ones are fed. Anything above that is really hard to do. Don't compare yourself to others who have children of different ages and definitely don't compare yourself to the June Cleavers because that is simply impossible with a baby that young and a two year old. Your June Cleaver day will come (if that's what you want) but not at 4 weeks out. You're placing impossible demands on yourself.
You're doing the right thing right now - mothering your baby and your toddler, breastfeeding, and trying to rest. Those are your important tasks right now. Tell yourself that you're doing the best you can, because you are. There will come a time (when your baby is older) that you accomplish more each day. Your two year old won't always watch this much TV. Your baby will start sleeping earlier at night and your life will become more managable. Sleep makes everything much easier, and you're not getting much these days.
Give yourself 100 days from the new baby's birthday before you have any expectations of "normal life". 100 days. Your life and family will be in a very different place then and you'll find you do have the energy for more things.
I wish I had some magic advice for how to get through these tough days, but my only words (having lived it) is that it truly does get better, but it takes awhile, and these early days are simply about putting one foot in front of the other and trying to mother as best you can.
With understanding and support,
G.

I've been exactly where you are--2 c-sections, an infant and a 2 year old. My mantra was "hunker down and get through." Do what you have to do to get through the next 6 mos. Sleep when you can...I put movies on for my 2 year old and slept then, thankful the infant would sleep then, too. Do whatever you need to do to get the baby to sleep--my infant slept in the portable car seat for 4 mos. b/c it's the only way she'd sleep. Make sure you shower if you want to, let the kids cry if they must. They won't be scarred. Don't worry about fancy meals...eat what you want when you want. All moms have been through the dark times of an infant, you're not alone even though you feel like you are.

As an aside, if budget allows investigate a preschool or camp for your daughter this summer. It would give you a break. Also, a play group to comiserate with other moms in the same situation was my saving grace. We'd gather for coffee in our sweats and compare war stories. (It always made me feel better when they were having a WORSE time than I was!) You can meet other moms at the park, in the mall, or call your local hospital for formal groups. It helps. You WILL get through and wonder how you did it--I still wonder how I made it.

K.,

oh my gosh, you sound like you desperately need a break/nap. Please stop beating yourself up, you are obviously doing the best you can under difficult circumstances. Four hours of sleep is not enough to function normally much less only 4 weeks after a c-section. Take naps when they do, shower when you can, and take a longer nap when your husband gets home since youll be up until 2 am. Dont worry about what anyone else is doing, the woman with a 6 month old is probably getting a full nights rest. You obviously are a GREAT mom or else you wouldn't be feeling guilty and worried that youre not doing a good enough job, you are! Are your kids happy, healthy, clean and fed? Then you are doing a great job! And trust me your 2 year old will not remember this time at all. God bless and good luck to you!

K.,
I have not read the many responses you have received but I felt the same way! My son was 22 months old when I had my son via c section 10 months ago. For a long time after my second son was born I felt like I was doing a horrible job as a mother. I felt like my first baby was not getting the attention he needed and deserved and I felt I was not giving the love that my second baby deserved and needed. Having your second child changes the dynamics of the family and it takes a while to figure out how it is all going to work. I always am beating myself up because I expect to be super mom. I do not know if she actually exists but I certaintly have an idea in my mind of what she should be like which more times than not that is not me. Things will get easier as time goes on. My second is now approaching a year and I now feel more at ease with him playing with my oldest. It is easy for me to say but try not to beat yourself up, you will get feeling normal again, it just takes time. If you have a support system (such as family) that is always great - accept the help - if not prayer is always helpful. I hope something I have said may have helped - feel free to send me an email - after all I am in the same boat with you :)

Please don't be so h*** o* yourself. you are NOT a bad mom. The fact that you are worried you might be shows me how good a mom you are. I only have my daughter but when she was a new born, and I also breastfeed only, I was exhausted too! So I can only imagine how you would feel after surgery and having a 2yo. you are doing great I am sure. Even now that my daughter is almost three I have those days where I am just so tired from working or maybe being up late with her on a bad night, and I will lay on the sofa and dose a bit while she is playing.
I would recommend this though: Since you know you might dose a bit while she is playing or watching tv make sure the room is as safe as possible. for example in my living room I have a gate at the entry so I know she cannot leave the room, I have all the outlets covered and the entertainment unit and tv in it are secured so they could not fall on her. I feel like with all that in place, if I dose a bit while laying there on the sofa she will be ok.
Good luck with everything and remember you are a good mom, if you were not you would not be worried about being good enough (something my cousin told me when I would feel just like you are feeling now)

You've taken a good first step in unloading all of that guilt. Be kind to yourself. You had a c-section which is abdominal surgery. It's harder to recover than a vaginal birth. Don't push yourself. Add to that, you also have a toddler. Never compare yourself to others. It's a sure way to depress yourself. Sometimes it takes at least 8 weeks to be "recovered", but for some people it might be more like 12 weeks (yeah, 3 months), before you stop feeling so drained. Frankly, I didn't feel quite myself again until my daughter was 2 years old. Your age, your previous health condition, and your current time demands/activity requirements, all contribute to your recovery time. When you have a newborn via c-section, it would be ideal if you could have your mom, hubby, MIL around to help while you heal. If that's not possible, don't feel guilty about how you try to manage while you recover. Those are your survival skills kicking in. Build a good support system so that you don't get depressed, and frankly, your husband just probably won't get it. Don't get angry with him. He's a man and he can't morph into a woman who has had a c-section. Take care of your mind, your body, and your spirit. This is a period of time that will pass, but you have to be actively involved in trying to nurture your well being. A marathon would be nice, but you're already in a marathon with taking care of an infant and a toddler. Life is like a marathon, so consider yourself in training. Try not to sprint to the end, but pace yourself, eat properly and nap while the babies are napping. The house will probably look a wreck, but you have to recover. Try to save some money from somewhere in your budget and get a cleaning service either every other month or once a month for your own peace of mind. Prepare very simple dishes, like something that can be oven baked and a salad. If you have friends who ask how they can help, ask them to prepare some dishes that can be frozen on alternating weeks and bring them when they want to see the baby. What you are feeling is legitimate. Don't apologize or feel guilty. I also think you should still be taking your pre-natal vitamins, but check with your dr. Also, you probably lost a lot of blood, so your iron could be low. Mention all of those things to your OB during your followup exam to make sure there's no underlying condition, like infection, anemia, or vitamin deficiency. You're already sleep-deprived, so you don't need any additional problems.

First of all if it's any help, if you didn't care about your daughter, you wouldn't be writing in. This puts you already in a higher category than some. Second, You do have the will, however your shooting too high and comparing yourself to what work for others. Start small-Walk to the mailbox, give yourself a goal. Have a friend be your buddy to get you up and motivate you to push forward. I have a 5 year old and I am due with my second child in July. I'll be homeschooling my son for the first time and I'm scared I won't be able to do it. I decided to have little goals-very attainable goals and work from there. I have also cut myself some slack and decided to just eat healthy and go slow on the exercise. If you go to church, see if someone there can help watch the baby and your 2 year old so you can get some rest. The cookie baking will come, but for now, just buy the dough at the store ,bake those and fill your house with motivation that youcan attain, one step at a time, and by the way congrats on the new baby!!!

Oh heavens!! You have a four week old! You just had major surgery in order to have your sweet daughter! And a 2 year old, sheesh. I know, I have one too!

Slow down. You're a great mom! It's not time to run a marathon yet. There's plenty of time for exercise and greeting the day with a smile, but you're the sleep deprived mom of a newborn and a two year old. You do what you can, and you try to enjoy every minute of it. Sleep whenever you can, so you can begin to catch up. Don't worry, it's almost time for your daughter to start sleeping a LITTLE more, maybe not through the night, but another hour or two would do wonders!!

Good luck, and as the other person who responded said: Don't be so h*** o* yourself! You are doing just fine!

Dear K., Please be patient with yourself. Remember - you are trying to recover from major surgery, take care of a toddler, nurse a baby, and run on very little sleep! That is A LOT of demands on your stamina! Everyone is different; try not to compare yourself to others. Just do the best you can. The most important thing is that your kids know you love them, not whether or not you are baking cookies, etc. Good luck to you!

The fact that you are worried about things like this Makes you a great mom. You also should give you some credit your just had a baby and a 2 year old to a lot of work. Give your body time to adjust you should be back to being super mom in no time

Whoa give yourself a break. The worst thing you can do is compare yourself to other moms. Every mom and situations is different. Maybe this "marathon" mom has extra help. I mean come one you just had surgery a month ago. Don't get caught up in the hype of what a "good" mom should be. Making dinners, cookies, a size 2, full of energy, spending every minute with her kids. That's b.s., a good mom loves her kids, keeps them safe and happy. So, what if you have let your 2 year old watch a little t.v. or even a lot of t.v. Yes we can all do better, but sometimes we have to settle for our best.But seriously, are you feeling just tired or are you also sad or depressed. You may be experiencing a post-partum depression. I know that's like a 4 letter word to moms but it's serious. If you think you may need some help go to your doctor. Also, don't be afraid to ask for help from family, friends or neighbors that you trust. I gurantee you that "marathon" mom is not doing it by herself, and you don't have to either. I think as long as your kids are safe, feed and somewhat clean you are doing pretty good at this point. Hopefully things will improve in time and you will find time for showers, cookies and lot's of attention for your girls. In the mean time ask for help if you need it.

Hi K.,

You have to remember you not only gave birth but also had a pretty major surgery as well just 4 weeks ago. It is going to take alittle while to get your energy back up. My boys look like they are about the same age difference as your children. I recall doing the same thing when they were both up in the morning. He had a favorite cartoon and sometimes I fell asleep on the couch and sometimes I didn't. You should start to get your energy back when your newest girl is around 2 months.

You sound like a good Mom who's very tired from lack of sleep. So #1, don't criticize yourself so much. #2 find a way to get that baby to bed earlier than 2 am. #3 get some help during the day, someone to watch the kids so you can shower and dress in peace. It will get better. Good luck to you.

Hello. Don't be so h*** o* yourself and never compare yourself to others. You have a full plate with two small children. Just enjoy day by day your children and as each passing day comes you will regain your energy. Having a c section takes time to recuperate. Can your husband give you a few hours on the weekend to take naps, bubble bath or just get out at times.

I know where you're at and it's no fun. One thing that might help is to continue taking your prenatal vitamins. Another thing that might help is to wear your newborn in a sling. I personally prefer the non-padded ones such as Maya Wraps. It will keep your hands free to be able to do things with your older child. They're also helpful in getting baby to sleep by "wearing them out" since the gentle rocking motion of your walking simulates being in the womb. Also getting dressed and just stepping out the front door for a little sun can be helpful too. Don't worry about what other moms are doing or not. You just had a baby and major abdominal surgery. I wasn't off the couch much after my first c-section either, so don't feel bad. June Cleaver is a fictional character that resembles nobody I know. And if you weren't running marathons before you had kids, you probably aren't going to be running them so soon after. In the meantime, it sounds like you are doing the best you can. If you have WIC, call the breastfeeding peer counselor to see if they have a breastfeeding mom's group or if not, contact your local LLL leader to see about getting to a meeting. It does get better. If you have family in the area, ask if someone can come bye and help with dishes or a load of laundry or taking the older child to the park. I don't know if you have been cleared to drive yet, but even having someone watch your older child while you go to the grocery store can be a big help. If things get worse please talk to your doctor about post partum depression. There are several anti-depressants that are safe for breastfeeding mothers and there is no shame in getting help.

same thing happend to me, turned out i was highly anemic. talk to your doc. now that i get iron shots, eat mainly fruits and vegatables and take vitamins i can actually function without feel like im falling asleep sitting up.

Okay...for one just because you care so much you are a great Mom and this is just a season. I totally understand where you are coming from because I did the same thing! It is exhausting and hard to be a mom of a small child and a newborn. You are being too h*** o* yourself. Does your 21 month old nap? I had to nap when my oldest napped and let some things go around the house. You will feel like yourself again, but right now you need to take care of yourself. If you have anyone offering to help, take them up on it. I had a neighbor girl come and watch my oldest child and play with him once a week so I could rest. My husband was working late into the night a lot and I just could not keep up. Please don't feel like you are alone and if your 2 year old watches more TV than usual right now you are not a bad Mom. Hang in there before you know it your newborn will be growing up and running around with her big sister. =) God Bless you on this endeavor. H.

Hey, K.,
You have gotten some really great responses. Talk to your doctor, too. You may be anemic. As a lot of ladies have said, they've been there. So have I, about 30 years ago. It's not something that just started happening. You'll get through it. And I agree with the ladies who suggested you put your older girl in some sort of a daycare program. She'll love it, and so will you.

Oh why are Moms so h*** o* themselves? You're doing an amazing thing -raising kids - and the other responses all say it well...be kind to yourself! Take care of yourself! you'll get back to normal in time.

Do try to find someone to help you for a few hours occasionally so you can take a break, take a walk, take a nap, or take a shower! it can be hard to ask for help, but you'll feel better once you do.

Have you told your husband how you're feeling? Chances are, he'd want to help too, but may not know that you're feeling so tired and overwhelmed.

Exercise can be a huge help too - to your mood, getting back to "normal", to giving you energy for keeping up with your kids. First check with your physician. But when you're ready to get back, you might want to try some exercises that incorporate your kids...Stroller Strides is a fun fitness program you do with other parents and your children - http://www.strollerstrides.com/. Or get an easy yoga or stretching video and let your baby and 2-year-old join in. It may lift your spirits and give you all time together.

Please take care of yourself and enjoy the time with your little ones that goes so quickly!

D.
Editor, Piedmont Family Magazine
www.piedmontfamilymagazine.com

You are only 4 weeks out from a c-section...GIVE YOUR SELF A BREAK! If you are worried about your 2 year old, enlist the help of friends, family, or babysitter. If you know a tween/teen who can come and play with your daughter for a couple hours, do it!

If you are so tired make sure you take a good look at your diet make sure your getting everything you need nutrionally for you and breastfeeding. When your husband is home you sleep! Don't be a martyr...two children is a very different world from one. It will all fall in to place soon. Keep your chin up, take a deep breath and do what you can do (realistically!).

Keely,
It has only been a month since you had your baby. Don't be so down on yourself. I had trouble getting back the ball of enenrgy that I used to have after my first baby. Are you still taking vitamins? That's what I eneded up having to do. No one had told me that you can still take prenatal vitamins after the baby is born.
Do you have friends or family that can watch the older baby for you? Maybe even for a coupls of hours one day a week would help you out.
I don't think it is good to compare yourself to other moms on Mamasource or elsewhere. Everyone comes froma different walk of life and maybe the marathon running mom was very active before and during her pregnancy. As far as Joan Clever goes, that was TV.
I am certain that your energy will return to you. Just give it some time.

You are a great mom or you wouldn't be concerned. Having children is no easy feat especially c-sections with the recovery time. You need to find a way to get some rest and you will feel much better about yourself. Do you have a support system around other than your husband-mom, mother-in-law, other family, friends, church members- that you can confide in and say "Help, please." If you could have someone come over 1 or 2 days a week for a little while so you could have some uninterupted sleep you would be back on your feet very soon.
Don't compare yourself to other moms, every pregnancy and delivery is different as is every baby and situation. Some people recover faster than others and some people have more resources at their side.
Do you have a parent support program in your area such as Parents As Teachers-you can see from their website if there is one in your area: www.parentsasteachers.org . Someone coming in once or twice a month to support you and let you know all the things you are doing right can really help.
Hang in there it will get better! You also may need to talk to you pcp to make sure you are simply dealing with exhaustion and the baby blues which are completely normal.
It will be ok! I'll be praying for you!

Cut yourself some slack there is a huge difference in having a 1 month old and a six month old! You will be feeling more energy when your baby is that old because the two of you will be sleeping more. As long as your two year old is safe and happy give yourself a break. You just had a baby for crying out loud. Hang in there it does get easier, I promise.

Hi K.,
Please hang in there. You are experiencing everything it means to be a new mom, and for some reason, many don't talk about it. I think we have all been there, and either forget about it, push it from memory, or try to pretend it didn't happen. You need your rest, and your 2 year old will be fine - give it another 2 months, and things will be looking way better. Each day will get better, in fact, but in 2 months you'll look back and laugh at this. If you can deal with play doh, color wonder paper and markers, and aquadoodle, those should keep the 2 year old involved and not too messy. If you can get your shower in the morning, put the baby in a bouncy seat and the tv on for the other one, you will feel much better. A little bit of sunlight will help too, so a walk in the morning before the sun is too hot is a good idea. Hang in there - there's a great song right now about it not lasting long, so savor your little ones and take it one minute at a time. Best wishes to you all :)

Hi K.! You have to give yourself a break. Don't even think about jogging or anything like that 4 weeks after a c-section. You shouldn't be doing much more than you have to for at least two more weeks. You're probably having a check-up with your OB in a couple of weeks, right? Tell him/her what's going with you and ask for advice. Do you have any friends or family who could help out? Can you get a sitter occasionally to watch the kids while you sleep? Anyone who could even just come over to play with your toddler for an hour? Can your husband do anything to be home more? Maybe come home for lunch or something to give you a break? As the weather warms up, you may be able to take a blanket outside with some toys for your toddler--you and your baby can lie down on the blanket and big sister can run around and get some energy out. Blow bubbles for her--she can chase them while you lie down. When our second child was a newborn, we found co-sleeping gave me and the baby a lot more sleep--I know it's not for everyone, but it really helped me.

This will all get better--the baby will start to sleep more, you will start to sleep more, you'll have more energy for your toddler. In the meantime, take it easy and take care of yourself.

You are a good mom! To me, the fact that you're so concerned about it shows that you are. It can take up to 8 weeks to recover from a C section. Taking care of a newborn and a toddler can be exhausting all on its own. Please don't come down so h*** o* yourself...many of us have felt the same way you do. Give yourself time to recover from the birth, and ask your husband for some help. Most guys don't realize exactly how tiring motherhood is! I am sure that in a few weeks, you will feel like your old self. You don't have to be June Cleaver...after all, your husband married you for the qualities you have. Hang in there, things will get better!

I typed a reply a moment ago, and I guess it got sent. I was saying you just had major surgery, you need time to recover from that, so taking naps is good for now. You will
get stronger, and be able to take two children out for walks,etc. Can anyone give you help right now, like laundry,cooking, taking your two yr old for a day? Take care of yourself and you can take care of your family. Don't be afraid to ask, someone may be waiting to be a blessing to you. I hope you can get some help for a few weeks.

You're having a little post-pardom, don't worry we all go through it. I know you wish you had more time for your almost 2 yr. old, but don't stress yourself it will balnce out. It's all about balance ,it truly is a juggling act.
My youngest is 2 1/2 and I'm just satarting to be able to take a shower, it's still not daily. LOL
I can tell you're a great mom,you'll do fine.

You'll get there. Give yourself a break! Sometimes you just have to take it easy, which is never easy with a toddler around. You just had major surgery and now have a newborn. Your family and your body are adjusting, and that takes some time. Just do the best you can for now and you'll be able to be the mom you want to be later. It doesn't mean you're a bad mom, it means you're a mom. We all do the best we can.
My husband is deployed for a year, again...our 4th. I'm here with my 5 year old son, just doing the best I can. Some days he watches too much TV or plays Wii because I have to get things done. I used to feel guilty about it, like you are, maybe I still feel a little guilty, but it hasn't hurt him. He's still the same child and he thinks those days are the best days! There have been days when I've been sick that we spent the whole day on the couch and ate out there like we were having a picnic. He wishes we could do that everyday. My point is, it may seem to you like you're not being a good mom but your toddler may look back fondly on these days as a great bonding time with you and the new baby. You are a good mom-you obviously care and want the best for your kids-that's what matters most and what they remember most-love!!! Best of luck to your family!!!!

Dear K., you are feeling guilty for no reason. You are too h*** o* yourself. Of course you are tired. This is perfectly normal. You need more sleep. Could you possibly get a friend to come over for an hour or two to watch the children while you sleep? Or do you have a relative near by? Or could you hire a babysitter? I was tired for 3 months after giving birth to my first. It wasn't til then that I got my baby on a sleep schedule I could live with. It is wonderful that you are giving your baby the best milk, breastmilk, and this is another reason why you need your sleep. "God gives to His beloved in sleep." Don't try to be a super-woman. e yourself and love yourself by getting more sleep. Then you can be the mother you want to be. AF

K.,

Slow down! Your little one is only a month old. It takes time to build a routine for you, your baby, and your toddler. Let yourself adjust to the new addition to your family before you get down on yourself for not being up and about. I exclusively breastfeed my 4month old as I did for my now 6 years-old and now 4 years-old. It takes awhile for exclusively breastfed babies to sleep through the night. In a few months you will look back and forget all about it. I am sure your 2 year old won't remember either. Try to relax and get as much sleep as possible. Try again in a month or two to start your routine with the sleep patterns.

I think you are being WAY too h*** o* yourself. My son is thirteen months old and I can't even begin to imagine having another one to take care of. Having a newborn is REALLY hard work and I was exhausted like you are describing until he was well over three months old and I did not have a two year old on top of it. You do need to pay the older child some attention, but you also need to give your body and mind some time to adjust. When my son was one month old, I went to a local mommy support group once a week and it made a huge difference for me. I took the baby with me. It was tiring at first but it became a huge support and I am still friends with the mommies I met there. Hang in there and give yourself a break!

I didn't read all the responses but agree with the ones I did...you had a baby 4 weeks ago plus a c-section and you already have a 2 yr old , all that in itself is like running a marathon. Take it easy on yourself , as long as you are caring for your daughters then the rest can wait , if the house is messy let it be messy , newborns body clocks are all over the place and they don't start getting into some sort of regular routine until around 6-8 wks(your halfway there) and your other daughter is probably a little jealous and so this is why she is waking & demanding your attention , as hard as it is you need to try and take 5 mins where you sit with her and just read to her or draw with her & just reassure her that Mommy loves her very much & her new sister , it will get easier and you will start to feel like yourself again , & if you have friends/family living close by don't feel bad accepting offers or asking for help , my kids are 6 , 3 & 11 months and I still need help sometimes just to have an hour by myselfto do nothing!!

Good luck

K.

It sounds like your newborn has her days and nights mixed up and that is why she is not going to bed until 2. With my second one, at night time, I put her in her crib and trained her to put herself to sleep, instead of feeling like I had to stay up with her. She will be fine if she is awake her crib. Try also to keep her up more during the day so she will be tired at night.

IT sounds like you need a break. I think we all have at one point or another felt like we weren't measuring up to what we, ourselves, thought we should be as mothers. I know I have. Is there someone in your family that could take your children for even a few hours a week that would allow you to have some you time, even if that is just to sleep. I know you husband works a lot, but sometimes, can he get up with the 2 year old and handle her for a while so you only have to deal with one, and maybe you can sleep a little bit extra? Just because he works outside the home doesn't mean he shouldn't participate in some of the really tough parts of night and early morning parenting.

Please try to be a little easier on yourself. All the things you would like to do will be there when you have a little more time as your children grow up. Good luck, and I hope you can get some rest soon.
A.

Hi K.!

I wrote almost this same post about 4 months ago when my newborn was about a month old. I also have a two year old son. I was overwhelmed and TIRED and nursing nonstop. All I can tell you is that it gets better! You may not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but soon enough you will start to feel better. Your newborn will start sleeping a little more and you will figure out how to make the chaos manageable. For right now, let your toddler watch tv...you can always limit it again once you start to get a handle on things (I did), don't worry about a messy house (I actually hired a cleaning lady to come in 2X a month), and go to the grocery store (or send your husband) and buy lots of easy dinners. My youngest son is now 5 months and I am cleaning my house on my own, watching only an hour of tv with my toddler and, well, I still don't really cook that much, but that's another story. :) Please don't think you are a terrible mother...all of us with 2 young babies have been through what you are going through. Keep your head up and try to get some rest!!! GOOD LUCK!!!

K.! I didn't read your other responses so I'm sure I'll be saying more of the same. I had my second daughter when the first one was just 2, and I felt EXACTLY like you did. Talk about exhaustion!! My girls are now 7 and 5, the best of friends (usually) and very happy. I remember trying to play with her on the floor, but falling asleep, right on the floor, in the middle of it. Oh, the guilt! I know my 7 year old doesn't even remember being "neglected" when we first brought her sister home. Yours will be just fine too. I don't know if you feel this way, but one of my big issues was feeling resentment toward my baby for taking my time away from my 2 year old. I felt like a terrible mother for feeling that way. I don't think I felt real LOVE for the little one until she was 6 months old! I finally talked to other moms about this and found that I wasn't crazy and I wasn't a bad mom. It's all part of it. You'll feel normal again sometime in the first year, and then you'll have time for a shower and all that. Try to remember there IS light at the end of the tunnel :)

Honey, you need to give yourself a break! Not only are you just four weeks past giving birth but having a c-section is major surgery that takes at least 6 weeks for your body to recover from AND you have two little ones under two!! No one would be running marathons just now! It's exhausting to give birth for your body and it's definitely exhausting to care for a newborn alone and then you have your other little daughter who is at an exhausting stage! Give yourself some TLC. It will all come together in a few weeks. Is there someone who can come and help with the little one for an hour or two each day - take her for a walk or to the park? Is a relative close by or maybe even a teen in the area who is responsible? Do you belong to any groups or a church where people could help you? Please understand that what you are feeling is normal and this too shall pass. It will get better and by the time your little one is 6 months old you will have the routine down and be enjoying both your little angels.

Don't beat yourself up...I did the same thing! The only concern I would have is to make sure you aren't depressed. Depression can make you tired all the time and not want to do anything at all. I know, I suffer from it all the time. How is your relationship w/your husband. My soon to be ex cheated on me with 5 or 6 women and that is just the ones I know about! It has greatly affected my motivation and self esteem, not to mention the fact that it has increased my depression 10 fold! Find other moms in your area (I recommend MOPS...Mothers of Preschoolers, but that starts up in Sept, so that will give you time to find out about it and save some money for the dues...$25 or so). It is a great program and I wish I would have looked it up sooner. I waited until my oldest was in kindergarten and my 2 are 2 years and 8 months apart, so I could have been in it for a long time now and had the friendships during all those tough times. It gets you out of the house too...which can contribute to the laying around blahs! You may just be sleep deprived! Google MOPS and find some other moms! I PROMISE you won't regret it! *hugs* these days will get be gone before you know it!

You just had major surgery! I had my son by c-section a year ago. It is hard enough to recover from child birth but you are recovering from child birth and surgery. Give your body time to heal. A few weeks of TV and running around is not going to hurt your 2 year old. Pushing yourself too hard and not getting enough rest will just prolong your healing and that is not good for you or your children. If everyone is fed, diapers get changed, and sleep happens then you are doing a great job given what you have just been through. It is extra hard because your husband works so much. As moms we tend to feel like we need to be super humans, but we are not. Respect your limitations and give yourself a break. You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of everyone else and right now your body is telling you to rest. Listen and relax, you are a good mom.

Just take a deep breath and relax. I felt similarly when I had my second because I felt like I was always neglecting my first (who seemed to be freaking out because of the changes) and never had time for the second because I was always just plopping him down somewhere to try to put out the fires with my first! It's so hard adjusting to baby #2 (harder than baby#1 in my opinion). And, on top of that, you're recovering from surgery. Get as much help as you can from anyone you can. Don't be shy to ask. Any help you can get will be good. And give yourself time. As time passes, things will get easier. My kids are only 3-1/2 and 13 months now and things are much easier than in those first few months. (If you still feel like you just can't shake this "funk," share it with your OB at your six week visit or with someone else you trust to be sure your not in need of some additional help.)

Hi K.,

stop beating yourself up. Sounds like a little depression going on. Maybe you should put the kids in daycare, even if it's part-time. This way the 2 year old gets a chance to socialize with her own peers. Which is very essential. You get a chance to workout or get a part-time job.

When I had my children I went through the same thing. My spouse was in the military so I often felt alone. Once I put them in daycare, became employed out lives changed. Everyone was happy and always looked forward to the next day. It doesn't make you a bad mom to send atleast the 2 year old out for some socialization.

Try it, if you can afford to. Your 2 year old will really appreciate it.

Have a great day!

C.

K.,
You are too h*** o* yourself. Your baby is just one month old, your body has not recovered yet. You are all off-cycle and this affects your sleep, as well as the childrens sleep. Try to keep the children awake longer in the evenings (visiting with Dad) and limit excitement in the evenings. Maybe read a story to the two year old, while Dad cuddles with the baby. Hopefully after a couple of weeks you will find them both sleeping more during the night.

For yourself, while Dad watches the children in the evening, take your personal time, have a hot bath, take vitamins, and pray/meditate. This will help you regain strength. Eat well and stay away from sugar and carbs. God bless!

Hi K.,
Give yourself a break. It's only been 4 weeks! You and your entire family are making adjustments. In a few mor weeks you will develop a pattern and start to do more. Do you have family in the area? You may need some help to entertain your toddler while you take care of the infant. Be encouraged! You are a great mom!

First, every mom is different! Every pregnancy, delivery and post-pregnancy is different! After mt littlegirl, I had tons of energy for a few weeks, then could hardly move. Even though you know you're not getting sleep, and that may be making you tired, and breastfeeding may be making you tired, I think you should increase your vitamin D (I found out I had a deficiency recently, and I know it was because I did what you're doing). In another month if things haven't changed, maybe you should go to your doctor and see if they can run some tests just to make sure everything's okay (I also was diagnosed with thyroid problems, and a little pill every morning makes a HUGE difference for me). Most importantly, don't beat yourself up. I was on the couch throughout my pregnancy, and for about 9 months afterwards. I wanted to do stuff, but I couldn't-I was exhausted all day, every day. Everyone kept telling me it'd get better, and it did, but only after going to a Dr. about it, and being diagnosed with hypothyroidism and the vit D deficiency. Once I started taking those pills, it did get better, but I'm still not back to my usual self-and I'm finding my body has to take time to adjust to using my muscle (not much, but some!) again. Good luck!

J.

Congratulations! You are completely normal! In other cultures, moms of newborns are cared for by the women of their community and relatives. Their other children are cared for while they rest, nurse, and heal their bodies. A C-section is surgery. You are recovering.

Some moms are lucky enough to hire a doula to help them around the house and with the children after a birth. Others ask friends and neighbors for help. You may have a young teen or even a preteen who could play with your toddler while you rest. Many moms make one room as safe as possible so they can rest while their toddler plays around them and the baby sleeps.

You will be out enjoying your family soon enough. Take care of yourself and enjoy your little ones.

K.

K.:

CONGRATULATIONS!!

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling like a bad mom. You ARE NOT.

My advice is to have your doctor check your potassium and iron levels to ensure you aren't lacking these vital nutrients.

Then talk to him/her about how you are feeling. It could be post-pardum depression. I know there are many out there that believe it's a bad thing - it's not. It's just a fact of life that happens to some women.

With your newborn - get her (both really) in a routine and stick to it. For our boys we start the bedtime routine at 0800. Bath (showers now as they are 7 & 9), brush (teeth and hair), book (read a story) and bed. It's been that way since they were born. The time may have changed more over the years, but it's always the same routine. Children LOVE routines - it makes them feel safe and secure.

Next - ask for help. I know you are here - but with a friend or family member who can come over for a couple of hours during the day so you can get some sleep or go be K. - not a mommy or a wife. If you need sleep - get some sleep. If you just need time out - go to a movie or the library and read a book. But be by yourself so you can get to be YOU.

If you belong to a gym - most of them have day care centers. Even though you have a young one, I believe they will accept them. Go work out or swim for 20-30 minutes and get some time in for yourself!

I'm not sure where you live. But there is always a way through this tough time. DO NOT compare yourself to other women - she may be struggling and is using a marathon to escape her stresses. Everyone decompresses or deals with their stresses differently. If your doctor's find that you have low potassium or iron levels, this will explain your current situation.

Getting your children in a routine will also help you out IMMENSELY!! Trust me - having a routing brings balance to your life as well as security to theirs.

Keep a daily to do list. This will help you feel like you are conquering something every day - whether it be big or small. Knowing that you can check something off your list will be a source of "feeling of completion" don't just look at everything else you have to do on that list - just be proud of yourself that you got SOMETHING checked off! :)

Take care and God Bless.

Cheryl

So does that mean your newborn only sleeps 4hours total at night? So from like 8pm-2am the newborn is UP???
Well its normal to not have any energy after just giving birth. I would suggest that YOU nap whenever the toddler and baby nap. Also make sure your iron is good you might need a supplement. Give it a little more time to get into a good routine w/ the new baby. Hopefully soon she will start sleeping more at night. But try to work out a schedule, write it down and make it a goal as far as set naps and set bedtimes. That way you can be sure to get either 6hrs straight at night or at least two 4hour naps.

Also, ask your doctor to check you for post partum depression. If you have that you want to get help asap. It will help you feel better. But getting enough sleep at night is also very important too.

You are a good mom, recovering from the birth of a child. This will pass. I only have an infant and a teen stepdaughter and *I* feel tired. You have a much more active toddler to chase around.

Give yourself a break. It's only been four weeks. You have a lot going on. If your husband could help you with certain things - bring home something for dinner or make something, come home early now and then, take a day to help you with the kids, etc. that might go a long way to helping you feel better. There were plenty of days when the baby was newborn that I didn't shower til my husband got home.

I see you've already gotten a lot of great responses, but I just wanted you to know that we can't stress enough that you should not beat yourself up over this. I don't know who runs a marathon with a 6 month old at home... I'm sure that person exists, but it's certainly not me! Everyone is different, but I think all mom's are super tired, especially with a newborn and a toddler. In fact, having had surgery (I had 2 C sections) your job is to rest as much as you can. You don't want to do anything to slow the healing down. You still have a few more weeks of taking it as slowly and restfully as possible. I know that's not easy to do... my husband worked really long hours after our second son was born. I was home with a newborn and a 2 1/2 year old. Give yourself the time to heal and you will feel better soon. Congratulations on your healthy baby! :)

Hi K.,

First of all, Congrats on your baby girl! I recently had a girl also. She is 8 weeks old today. Although I don't have the 2 year old as well, I can totally sympathize. I too wanted to quickly get back into my work out routine, have dinner ready for my hubby, be happy and cheery, etc. But finally I realized (after many people telling me), this is not reality. All moms need to spend at least the first 6 weeks relaxing, napping when possible, and not giving a darn about the house or making dinner (no body is going to judge you for having an unclean house). Actually you should be spending the first 8 weeks doing this since you just had a C section. Your doctor would not even approve of you working out. Heck, you shouldn't even be walking up stairs! For your 2 year old, is there anyone who can take her off of your hands for a bit (family, friend, neighbor, etc). Have you thought about enrolling her in preschool? Can your husband take some time off of work (he qualifies for FMLA too!) You should not feel ashamed to ask for help. I have found that people are eager to help, you just have to ask! Most importantly, you are NOT a bad mom. You are doing everything you can! Too many women feel this way which leaves to PPD. And if you are feeling depressed, seek help. Its more commom than people think. Best of luck...there is a light at the end of the tunnel :).

Hello,

Stop beating yourself up. You will get better and stronger as the days go. Talk to your doctor and see if you need some iron or if there is a reason for you feeling like you do. Get up tomorrow, while the kids are asleep, take a nice hot shower and maybe put yourself on a schedule to rest when they rest. Just remember it will be okay and 4 weeks might seem long to you but it isn't, give it a little more time. Good luck. A.

You've gotten a lot of good support here, which I second. The only thing that I haven't seen is concern that you may have PPD (post partem depression). It's very common, very normal, and very treatable, but you have to talk to your doctor. A couple of women have suggested talking to your doctor, and you should get your iron checked (for anemia) and your thyroid checked, definitely, but you also would benefit from a PPD screening. Just think of it as one more possible medical issue that you want to rule out, or treat. Don't minimize it.

Also, on the days when your husband is home, carve out a couple of hours when he can take the girls and you can nap. It's a matter of survival and he needs to support you in this way.

And yeah, this is a really rough time. My oldest is 20 mos older than my twins, who are now 11 mos old, and there is no amount of money you could pay me to go back to those early weeks. Seriously, you're in the trenches right now and the best you can do is hang in there, make sure you tell your oldest you love her, try to be there when it really counts.... and sometimes I would just gather all my kids up in my arms and we'd all have a good cry. Healthy? Probably not. Cathartic? Sure! :)

Hang in there, mama....

Hi K., I think you are being too h*** o* yourself. Sounds like you are suffering from guilt and possibly some postpartum depression. You are recovering from major surgery and pregnancy. You should be tired. My oldest was only 16 months old when his sister was born. I was overwhelmed and felt so guilty because I couldn't pick up my son right away because he was too heavy. He was already over 20lbs at that pt. I felt guilty because I felt that he needed more time to be the only child. I was lucky because I was staying with my parents when the baby came so I had a lot of help, but when my husband was due to come back from deployment and purchased our house, I was anxious and scared to be totally on my own. I discussed this with my husband and we decided to hire a mommy's helper until the children got older. I was able to take a shower or nap if we had a bad night. My helper had a child my son's age so he had someone to play with. It was a nice situation. It's okay to need help. Hang in there and not every woman is the same so stop comparing yourself.