Normal Sex Life?

Updated on June 27, 2008
B.W. asks from Denham Springs, LA
4 answers

I know this is a very personal question but I really need to know how other women feel. My husband and my biggest fights are about sex. He has always complained that I show no interest in it and don't want to do it as often as most women my age want to. I am 32 years old. He thinks that most women my age want sex all of the time. Every women I have asked so far feels the same way I do. He thinks there is something very wrong with me and I need help. I keep trying to tell him that the women that do want it all the time are the abnormal ones, the ones like me are the normal ones but he completely disagrees. That is why I am asking all of you women out there what you think? I am very interested to know what others think. This has gotten so bad that he is now threatening to leave me and our 15 month old daughter. He has become hard to talk to, hard to be around and just mean and he says its all because I don't give him what he needs.

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answers from Baton Rouge on

I am also very close to your age, and since the birth of my daughter (6 months), our sex life has decreased dramatically (mostly because I had a lot of sensitivity from scar tissue after the birth, but also exhaustion issues)... but I also know that sex is one of my husband's primary "love languages," so it's important to find other ways to show physical affection... cuddling, touching, etc. There's a great book called "Love Languages" that talks about how different people give and need expressions of love. It might help you get some perspective. However, you should not be made to feel guilty about taking care of your own needs... a counselor is a really good idea. And yes, there is NO such thing as "normal." Good luck! -- Jessica



answers from Baton Rouge on

You're 32 with a toddler - I was much younger than that when I had my daughter and she still wore me out.
There are lots of things that can affect libido after a baby; some of them are physical, and some are emotional.

If he has "always complained" that you don't want sex as much as he thinks you ought to, then he knew what your sex drive was like before you got married. I'd point this out to him and ask why it's all of a sudden a deal-breaker.

Do you work outside the home and handle most of the housekeeping and child care at home? If so, then you're basically working three full-time jobs. In addition to constant low-level fatigue, there may be some unconscious resentment. I know that I don't want sex if I'm feeling unappreciated or taken for granted.

As for how much sex other women want, there's no such thing as "normal." Normal is simply a mathematical average. Some women have high sex drives, some not so much. It's not just a function of age either. I've known women in their 20's who have little interest in sex, as well as women in their 70's who were still sexually active. You can have your doctor draw some blood and check your hormone levels, and if they're all within normal range, then I'd say you're just one of those women whose sex drive is in the lower end of the spectrum.
Personally, I want it more often than my husband does. If he's too tired or just not in the mood, I have a vibrator.

Not getting as much sex as he wants is no excuse for him to be mean, and berating you and blaming you for his pissy mood isn't exactly going to make you suddenly want to jump his bones. If he's horny and you're not, he's got two functional hands.

Have you considered a marriage counselor? Perhaps a professional could help.



answers from Baton Rouge on

Hi. This sounds very similar to what my husband and I went through after our first was born. I was about your age and just had very little interest in sex. Husbands don't understand what a toll having a child puts on you physically, mentally and emotionally. Our boy wasn't the best sleeper and during the day I would play a little then rush, rush, rush to clean up, do laundry, cook dinner, bath time, bed time, more tidying, etc so I was tired and just wanted sleep by the time I was done. Plus, I was VERY unhappy with the way my body looked. When we started "discussing" this issue, my hubby thought that having sex a minimum of 5 times a week wasn't too much to ask. I asked him if he knew there were only 7 days in a week cause I was thinking more like 1 time a week, if that. My husband never threatened to leave but he did threaten to take his needs elsewhere. We finally talked about everything (including his going elsewhere and how that just added to lack of desire) and came to a compromise in how many times per week (started low and worked up to an in-between number). We had been to counseling before to learn how to communicate with each other, so that helped. A third, unbiased party can be a good thing in situations like this. It did get better. We have another child now and things are much smoother this time around. Oh, keep in mind that if you are on some sort of birth control, those hormones can suck the interest in sex right out of you. An IUD helped with that as well.
I hope things get better. I know how stressful it can be. I'll keep your family in my prayers.



answers from Baton Rouge on

This is a hard question... especially since I'm not a counselor or doctor... but something I would consider in the situation would be if our sex life had changed after our kids? I know me and my husbands has, not necessarly for the worse... just different. If it has then maybe he's missing what was then and can't grasp what is now... I would definately seek help- a priest or counselor. Someone outside the situation to let you both get your feelings out. Hope it works out.

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