This is really embarassing to write about but here goes. My husband and I have been married for 13 years and have always had a good sex life. I am a nurse and work night shift so I am gone 3 nights a week and he stays home with our 3 children. In the last year we have been through a lot as a family. We moved back to our hometown where my husband is trying to make a go at being self employed, so at this point, I am the main bread winner for our family which has never been the case before. He is stressed out about our money situation constantly, and I am just tired all the time. I still have a strong need to make love to him, but every time I try to initiate anything he says he is too tired. This has been going on now for 6 months, and I am now afraid of trying because of rejection. I love my husband and I know he loves me but I wonder if he feels attraction to me anymore. I know he can't be having an affair because when I work he has to be home and the other nights of the week he is home with me other than maybe one or two days a month when he plays cards with his friends. I have also gained a lot of weight after having two babies back to back, so I don't feel great about myself right now. I know this is an in depth question, but what can I do to get our romance back on track or are we doomed to be this way??
have you had any time just you an him lately to reconnect? What about having soeone watch the kids for a weekend (or even just an evening) and show him that he is still just as important to you as ever. I have not been married nearly as long as you have but I think couples some times forget that relationships constantly need work and attention to stay exciting.
A lot of times when stressful things are going on in your home/marriage/life it affects your sex life. Your husband probably is just tired. I mean he is with the kids all day and then it is constantly on his mind about the finances. Men worry about that more than we do. Also he may feel less of a man because you are the main breadwinner now, so that may affect how he feels in bed. My hubby and I have gone through this no sex thing plenty of times. He is in the army and sometimes his job is very time consuming and stressful so he just is too tired to have sex or think about it. And after we had our baby he would always be worried about our finances so that added to things. Then I on the other hand want to have sex but feel bad when I am rejected and think that I am not attractive etc, but it's really just sex. What we did was talk about it or let it be known to each other how we were feeling about things and our sex life. My husband let me know that of course he is still attracted to me but so much is on his mind and going on that he is just drained and tired. So we just try to make an effort to do small things like make sure we kiss each other everyday or take the time to make out, cuddle, hold hands, give back rubs, compliment each other, make time for each other try 15-30 minutes a day maybe at night when the kids are asleep and just talk to each other not about finances or kids or any of that. Let that be your time together. If you can go on a date together just the two of you. Get someone to keep the kids overnight and you guys go to a hotel or something and just concentrate on each other. Also check out this website cuz it gives lots of romance info www.lovingyou.com
Try taking one night and send to the children to the babysittier and plan a romanic night. If you don't have a lot of funds. you can make a diner for the both of you or something you know he will enjoy. bring the spark back. my husband and I've are getting ready to hit three years but we been together for almost nine since we were 17. and sometimes I'm the one losing interst. so I plan a great night and it seem to get me back. The way you feel about your self has a lot to with they way other people pick up. Just know that your beatuful and sexy and he will reminber too. it all in the attiude not the out side. hope this works.
OMG H......we have identical lives....every detail is the same!!!!
Since we went thru the exact same thing, I was feeling the same way you are...unattractive, weight gain, rejection...etc.
Anyway, we went to therapy and found out that because my husband was sooooo stressed, he was anxious and tired, so he couldn't "get it up" so to speak, even when I was ready...the problem wasn't me, it was him....he did/does love me and still is attracted to me....so, don't blame yourself....can you try counseling or a quiet evening out to relax and talk honestly to each other?
Go to the book store and buy "The good girls guide to bad girl sex". It will change your life! Start reading it, get him involved when it gets to the parts that are more interesting for men (physical parts). This book will free your mind, soul, and body. I bought it and went on vacation with my folks. My mom grabbed it (54 yrs old)and hogged it the entire week. Her and my father have thanked me many times for bringing the book along, and they have been married for 30 years and still act like two kids in love. So if it did that for them it can definitely add to any bodies life. I have gotten half way through it and flip ahead to some important parts my mom said I needed to read immediately, and OH MY GOD my entire personal life is a dream. I am happy about my self, I know how to make myself happy (i had no idea how good it really could be before), I know how to make him emotionally and physically happy which I then get from him in return and it just continues to amplify. We are happier, the kids in return have happier parents, they are happier, we have to "hide" from our friends sometimes because they say we are so much fun and ..... it changed everything....definitely the best $16 I every spent. Also it targets every type of girl too, the timid and the wilder ones, it's not a "dirty sex book" its got great tips don't get me wrong. Like I said, it is a book for your body and soul. You can probably read it in about 2-3 weeks on your lunch break.
Good luck, I hope things get better! Your friend.
H.,
It sounds to me like he is depressed. He probably wants to provide for the family, but he is having to rely on your for provision right now, and that cannot be good. He probably doesn't feel like a man because he is not the breadwinner and unfortunately there are some men who cannot handle their wives making more than them period. I definitely think you need to express to him your concern that you feel you are drifting apart due to the lack of intimacy and you want to know what you can do to help get it back on track. Tell him that you need him in that way and that you don't want to go so long without sex and intimacy. I wouldn't bring up the depressed part unless there is not communication and he doesn't express that he sees a need. Continue to be patient with him, but if all else fails seek some counseling. A counselor can help bring the two of you back to each other. I do wish you the best.
Don't be embarrassed to feel the way you do. My advice is to talk to him about how he feels, but be truly honest with each other. The weight sounds more like your issue not his. It seems you know what the issues are so BOTH of you sit down and talk about it. You will probably be surprise what may be said. It may not be what you want to hear but never-the-less it needs to be said. Work on the weight for yourself and feel good about you. I guess what I'm trying to say is to sit down and talk to him. Let him know you love him and makes sure you put your doubts on the table. Just because you been married that long doesn't mean you become a mind reader for him or he for you. Keep the lines of communication open, set time alone for each other. Bring back the romance you had when you too started your relationship. Remember you were a couple before you were parents. Good Luck.
I don't know from personal exper. but I know from people that when a women is the main money maker plus the one paying the bills, usually the men have a hard time not being the man of the house. Men like to be the one you need not the other way around. So try acting like you need him to fix something or open something and say what would i do without you and your so strong. Maybe you just need to get his self-a-steam up. Make date nights at least once a month helps my marriage so much. some times get the babysitter to watch the kids at her house and stay home, have some fun, where something..all these things are what all marriages need. My sex life was hard for along time once my son was born because of me, i felt like i couldn't be that way any more but me and my husband made date night and ever since then that night makes the hole month great. Let me know how it works out.
Most likely, his ego has taken a huge slam for you being the bread winner. I get this from my husband when our funds are depleted. I think not having any money makes guys feel like they aren't sexy. But I don't beg. I say "I NEED IT RIGHT NOW! So what if we don't have money? I just want PENIS!" But then, I'm so blunt no one would expect anything less from me. You have to be honest and tell him you want his body. Tell him he looks nice...just treat him the way you'd want him to treat you. Talk to him the way you want him to talk to you. Or give him a "BJ alarm". Wake him up in the middle of the night with your tongue! Hey, you asked! He doesn't care how you look...most likely you're the only one with a problem. Brush your teeth, tell him you feel like being ravaged by his big sexy manliness and get it on!
Hello,
Just a thought, but is your husband on any medication? Because I've heard that men who take meds for any blood pressure or heart problems have a really hard time of "getting it up", so to speak. Although you're a nurse and probably already know that. But maybe you just overlooked it. Just a thought.
