No More Advice

Sounds like you ALL need to find a therapist and go together.

For now, let her go. Tell her, "I love you and DON'T want you to go, but you are 14 and I trust that I raised you right and that you will make good decisions. If you ever need me for ANYTHING, please know I am your mother and I am always here for YOU." Maybe even write it down on a card, scan the card for future reference (if she dosen't remember )and give it to your daughter.

I think your husband has every right to be here "dad" when she is at your home. Be grateful he loves your daughters as much as his own - it could be worse....a LOT worse.

The PPD sounds like adrenal fatigue mixed with hormones shifting. Honestly, there are two products I used, which are safe with breastfeeding, if you are doing that. The adrenal support and calcium from this company. My doctor sells it in her office and it changed my life within 24-36 hours. It ake the adrenal in the am and the calcium at night. Sounds like stress is getting to your little babies.

http://www.worldlifesupplements.com/products_main.html

coming from the view of a step daughter , your husband MUST back off or it will only get worse.
He is not her father and she will never see him as such as long as her dad is still in the picture. And will only make her push back harder.
if my mom had done all the disciplining with me things would have been a lot smoother and I'd have never wanted to go live with my dad.
Right now dad is the fun parent and the fun parent always gets all the love when they are this age.

Wow, you do have your hands full. You need professional help to sort all of this out. This is not a do-it-yourself project. I see so many things wrong here on so many levels that it must seem overwhelming to you. Call someone first thing in the morning. Do not delay. You owe this to yourself and your kids. God bless you.

This is a very stressful situation and it's really sad that this is going on during the first year of your babies. You have to realize that your main focus has to be with your babies. It sounds like you have been doing everything you possibly can with your daughter. I think you should take comfort in that. You cannot control her or her father's actions, so as long as you have tried to do right by her, YOU SHOULDN'T BLAME YOURSELF! Anyone else who is quick to judge don't know your situation or is bitter from their own. I greatly feel for your husband! He is going through hell. Being a step parent when the other parent is a psycho is the worst job in the world!!! I've been experiencing this for years on the step parent side. It's been 9 years now and it's still difficult. Your daughter doesn't realize how lucky she is to have such caring parents like you & your husband. She needs to have discipline and it shouldn't stop for fear of her leaving the home. As a member of the family she should have chores, help babysit and always be respectful to everyone in the home. When children are involved in family court they are given way too much freedom to make their own decisions, even when they are based on lies. My suggestion is keep a log of every incident involving her father & his home and make reports to the police, cps & family court. It's sad it has to come to that but sometimes you don't have a choice. Don't weaken your discipline or spoil your daughter, when she looks back she'll realize that at least one parent tried. You need to tell your husband that you will begin to take control of the situation with your daughter. It takes away the stress from him, which isn't fair for him. That means you need to take control the communication with her & her father, all legal issues, etc. If you don't, this will take it's toll on your marriage & your new family! Tell him you want his focus to go towards your twins and thank him for all he's done but now you need to take over for all your sake. Most importantly, take care of yourself! You can't be a good mother or wife if your not taking care of yourself. Stay on track w/ your depression and physical health. Exercise, go out with a friend, stay strong. I wish all the best and my prayers are with you.

I feel for your husband because he has taken care of your girls for 6 years so almost half their life and the 14 yr old is being disrespectful, he has every right to be angry. After 6 years you can't say back down, he has been their support and he loves them, thank God. The interlooper is clearly your ex. Because he has no rules what 14 yr old wouldn't want to live "rule free". As much as everyone says "let her live with her bio dad and she will she the light", I can already see the wheels turning in your head "what??? No way she can be in danger I don't want her to :see the light" at the cost of her saftey". Because that is excactly what I would be thinking. Especially since your ex has a son wo touched you daughter. Family counseling is a must. If your ex is a true sociopath, the therapist would pick that up and write to the courts on how he would not be areliable parent. Take him to court and say you want a mandated therapy session to determine if the father is fit. My hubs had to do that with his CRAZY ex. As far as the twins, you already heard from everyone, they are not the 14 yr olds responsibility. Besides if she is acting out and possibly rqaging do you want her to carefor the twins? This is NO easy fix. You have to sit down with hubs write a game plan step by step and follow through. Pluss if you are PPD you have way to much on the table to handle this alone, get the outside help and let your husband support you emotionally. Best of luck this is a tough one!

let her stay with her dad for a few months. when she stops going to school and acting bad, then call the court and let then handle it. She will see that the grass is not as green as she thinks. If she does not enjoy helping with the twins then dont make her. She is not the parent and is not responcable for them. maybe after a few mo0nths her dad will not want to deal with her anymore. The only reason he wants her now is to hurt and control you. once you stop letting him see that it bothers you, he will not want to be bothered by having to be a father anymore.

Keep your daughter in therapy, with and without you there. Maybe you two can do "therapy window shopping" or mani/pedi times together??? It's possible she is craving solo attention time that she might be getting from bio dad. All parents can really do through the teenage years is to *try* to trust their kids, even though they will not always make the best decisions or decisions that you want them to. It's not easy and you are not alone!

Yes, your new husband probably should back off and not hold the $$ stuff over your head....but it's sweet that he cares enough to want to. I would thank him for that, talk over discipline decisions with him in private and have you approach your daughter in question. That way he feels more involved and you, with the authority, are the one actually dealing with the problem.

I don't know if you are doing it or not, but talking poorly about her father to her face will most likely not help you. A business world practice that I like to pass on to parenting, "b!+(#" to your peers or up....but never down. In other words, complain to your husband and parents all you want, but never to your kids. They don'y have the emotional tools to deal with it yet. Stay positive as much as you can, or "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." LOL

I do not envy your your situation! I hope with perseverance, love & time, this will all work out.

I read through your letter and through some of the responses. I don't think anyone here is trying to judge you - when you post on this site you are asking for advice. You do not have to agree with the advice received and you do not have to let any responses stress you out further.

I am a little confused on your stance with your husband. You say in your Edit that your "husband has been by her side" but yet you want him to back away from parenting the older girls? If they live in the house with your and your husband then he is a father figure to them. If their biological father is that unstable then it is even more important that you allow your husband to be the stable male influence in their lives.

About your daughter watching the twins - I get that you need a break. Maybe your mother (who mention in the original letter) could help out now and again? Have you considered that your daughter may be jealous of the new babies? Maybe this is a battle you need to concede in order to win the war.

Lastly, when her half brother molested her, did you file charges with the authorities? This is illegal. This is also very traumatic - has she received counseling or crisis intervention for this trauma?

I would also suggest that you visit with your attorney about the custody agreement. Does the agreement give you primary physical custody and the bio-dad visitation only? In that case would not he have to go to court to get custody for her to live with him? If you have primary physical and she doesn't come back from a scheduled visit to his house then he could be charged with kidnapping.

I wish you luck - teenagers are difficult.

Oh my God. I can feel the stress of this just by reading it. You are going to have a breakdown if something does not change. You are really being attacked from every angle. I feel so bad for you. I guess the only way to handle this is start sourting it out one piece at a time. This is too much to figure out all together. I would first start out with your husband and really try to get some peace there because at the end of all of this you really need him in your life. Although he is having some strong feelings about all of this (being a step parent is very hard, I know, I am one to a 17 year old boy who lives with us), he has opened himself up to take care of your kids too, and probably feels, pretty frustrated by the fact that this is blowing up in his face despite his efforts......ya know. It seems that you truly do appreciate him for this and that means alot to him, even more than he may show. I would then focus on getting as much rest as you can, babies are exhausting...lol especially when they dont sleep. WIthout proper rest you will have no energy to tackle the issues with the ex and your daughters. Sorry, I dont want to sound like a therapist here, because I am not lol.....I just couldnt help but try to help a little. Hope I did a little and didnt just waste your time. Good Luck, and always remember you are doing the very best that you can. Good Luck

It's pretty obvious that your teenage daughters are using the new babies and stepdad as their excuse to misbehave and get some attention. Short of family councelling I dont know what to tell ya. Teens are pretty vicious these days. You may have to let them go, just so you can get them BACK.... if their dad is as lame as you say, they will see that eventually and want to come home. You can always send CPS over to do wellness checks if you do indeed believe he is giving them alcohol and such. Is there a stepmom involved? Your girls just sound like normal rebellious teens from a broken home.... They already have dirty mouths, hate school, and want change. If they arent happy within they wont be happy anywhere they go. This is what makes them drink and smoke at young ages. They want to be normal teenagers but they cant figure it out because they've been hurt and they feel "replaced" by the twins.
You should try to get involved in a church that has a good youth group, your girls sound like they need some "faith" to get them through all of this.

A.:

You have so much on your plate - I'm surprised you haven't had a breakdown. Do NOT try to deal with everything at once. Break it down to a priority.

YOU. YOU are your priority. If you don't take care of you - things will NOT be good.

Your twins don't sleep because of all the stress and tension in the house. You don't think they can't sense it? PAHLEASE!!!! If you are breast feeding -your milk supply is probably nothing because of stress - which then puts more stress on you. It's a HUGE cycle. You can stop that.

1. Let your daughter go live with her daddy. Why?
a. It will allow her to see his deceit up close and personal. Will it happen right away? No. But in the end - the truth always comes out.
b. It will teach her a lesson - that you love her enough to let her go - even if it isn't right for her.
c. When she gets in trouble and her daddy isn't there to take care of her - she will call you. You will be there for her and love her unconditionally.
d. If it's as bad as you say - her daddy will not care if she goes to school and when she starts have truancy's, etc. - the courts will take care of it - or at least they SHOULD.
e. When she goes to live with her daddy - HE can be financially responsible and pay for her schooling - when that doesn't happen - she will be confronted by the truth again.

2. She is NOT be responsible for the twins. That's your job - I know you are going through a lot - but she is going through a ton right now - think of how you were at 14 - boys, independence and the whole nine yards. Puberty is a tough time. Especially for girls. You cannot expect her to do that - yes, she is 14 but at 14 - she IS going to be selfish. She will test her boundaries. She WILL be flying all over the place as she grows into her body and all the changes that are happening to it.

3. Tell your ex-husband he can have his way. He wants control over you - and it's working. DO NOT give him the control OR power over you. He wants to take the girls away from you to hurt you - he's manipulating them - probably telling them that you don't love them as much anymore because you now have twins to care for. We KNOW it's NOT true - but right now, since the twins are taking up so much of your time -it's hard for them to realize the twins can't do things on their own (the frontal lobe in their brain is growing and the hormones are surging through it).

4. Tell your husband to back off. He has unrealistic expectations. He cannot expect to be their father. He won't and never will be. You two need to be a united front - if not - it will be a fight on all fronts. Is that what you want?
a. Have a talk with your husband and find out EXACTLY what his expectations are.
b. Tell him what YOUR expectations are - what your game plan is.
I love that he's stepping up to the plate and being a father. It sucks that he is being shunned by your daughters. However, they can probably sense that he is frustrated and feels taken advantage of (he is afterall supporting them financially and there are expectations associated with that - consciously or subconsciously).

Go to your OB/GYN and tip the post-pardum depression in the bud. Tell her what's going on in your life and have her prescribe something that will help you not be so anxious. Ask her for a recommendation to a family counselor - whether you go as a whole family or not - you need to learn how to deal with all of this from a professional - he/she can teach you how to compartmentalize everything - break it down and deal with it in pieces and deal with each one appropriately - as it's SOOOO easy to yell and scream and say things below the belt....but there are ways to "fight fair"

Don't take it all on by yourself.
Don't take ALL of it at once.
YOU can do this.
Do NOT give your ex - ANY power or control over you - let him have his way - for both of them - the 'shine' will wear off and the truth will come out.
Take care of you.
Set expectations with your husband.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

Hi A., everything I have to say is PREVENTATIVE and won't help you now.

That being said, all I can do is send you strength, I think you have it, I think you'll pull it all off. It's clear your intent is WHAT'S BEST FOR ALL THE KIDS, not nessecarily what YOU want.

Gonna have to dig deep and FIGHT for the thing you think is RIGHT for them all, YOU know BEST!

Please don't give up! Stop looking for 'breaks', you will have 'breaks' in a few years, I promise!

You know when there is a crime/judgement/injustice against ME, I am able to shake it off. But if you f**k with my kids, it makes me into a CRAZY person. I hope you can use that momentum, that addrenaline to straighten it all out.

And despite the negative (shoulda woulda coulda type) posts, we are ALL on your side, and we are ALL CHEERING loudly for you!!

You've raised your daughter well. As best you could despite idiots around you. You need to trust her/them to make their own decisions to some degree now. If they want to go live with Dad for awhile, let them. Always be thier beakon and thier moral and ethical compass and let them learn from their own mistakes now. You need time for yourself and your twins, and you are NOT not being selfish by getting it. Just my opinion, but I think your girls know what is right and wrong now, and need to see and experience the difference for themselves. Some things cannot be taught and must be experienced. Your a good Mom, and they will grow up tp be good people.

Oh my stars...stop for moment and take a deep breathe. Ok,the first thing I tell people about court is that just because you THINK something is going to happen, does NOT mean that it is. My own situation is very much a testment to that. All you can do it hand information over to your attorney and let them deal with it. Stressing about it will do you ABSOLUTELY no good.

You have a lot on your plate, clearly. Emotions are running high because the amount of sleep is running so low.

Getting into arguements with your ex does no good purpose than to give your ex ammunition with your 14yo. He is telling her that things will not be that way with him. You argue with him and he's telling her that it's because he will win in court. He's creating a really rosy picture of a different life than what she has by preying on her frustrations.

The hardest thing to do is what you absolutely must do...disengage your heart a bit and let things happen. It doesn't make you any less of a good parent, it makes you a smarter parent.

Send me a pm if you would like.

wow, i am so sorry you're going through this. how painful.
some thoughts/ideas:

-if stepdad pays, he does have a say. although obviously it needs to be constructive.
-if she wants to go to dad's, let her go. tell her that you will "take her back" unconditionally if (when) she realizes it's not the best place for her.
-keep the younger daughter

good luck!

sounds like there is a lot of resentment towards your new babies. also sounds as if your daughter is trying to get your attention - negative attention is much easier to get and filled with more emotion. you might want to think about trying to spend some one on one time with the 14 year old, without discussing any of the issues at hand. i think at that age with some teens it is opposite world, whatever you want them to do and express is really important to you they will do the opposite. try your best to relax and focus your energy on the positive. much easier said than done.

I've seen a couple of your posts. So do you have an attorney? Is it up to the girls where they live? I think that instead of trying to win the hearts and minds of your 14 YO you should let her go to her bio-dad, though you might want to get a restraining order (for her) against the step-brother that molested her. I think it's likely that she'll be back after she sees that the grass is not greener. Is her bio-father financially well off? If not, start tying him up in court. Why is he paying so little in child support? Regarding the twins - I remember that the first year of having one baby was a lost year of being exhausted. Accept that with twin infants something's gotta give. Your 14 YO is going through the roughest part of adolescence and you are at your worst because you are SOOOOOO tired and overwhelmed with twins (who wouldn't be?) I think if I were you I'd let the 14 YO go but absolutely keep your 13 YO. Hopefully the counselor is helping you navigate the situation but I hope that you are consulting with an attorney to determine what you can and can't insist upon regarding where your kids live. Good-luck.

A.,

Stop fighting and let her go live with her father. You are destroying your relationship with your daughter. A separation at this time is probably the best thing for all concerned. Honestly, you are sounding sort of psychotic, which can't be good for you, your husband or other children.

Blessings.....