No Intrinsic Motivation

This may sound over zealous and "too much" in most people's eyes, but I was a lot like your son at 10. Sometimes, I just put it off and forgot about it (because I really didn't want to do it) Sometimes, I remembered, pretended like I forgot and other times, i was secretly being a bit defiant since I felt like (at 10) that kids weren't "suppose to do chores" that how dare they ask me and my sisters to chip in around the house, wasn't that what "mothers are suppose to do for their kids." It's the honest truth. I just had my mind made up about things.....BUT, my dad stopped me in my tracks and frankly, scared the responsible out of me. He told me one night that we had an appointment tomorrow to see a doctor..(me, my mom and my dad) I was totally freaked out by this. My heart started to pound and I knew I was a "good kid" with good grades, but if my parents were going as far to have already made an appt with a "therapist" they called him....then I must really have something wrong with me. Of course, we all sat down and talked about our expectations and the therapist chimed in....yada yada. Basically, I knew that they meant business and in that session, a lot was approached with love. How they wanted me to learn being part of a community, and learning to "mature" for lack of a better word. I hope that helps. Like I said, others may not agree, but for me, it changed everything and I'm so grateful for that "early intervention" :)

I am not sure if you are talking about school or chores so this may or may not help. When my daughters would not keep up on their chores or do what they were asked I would stop doing what they expected from me. That meant no dinner being made, no laundry being done, or no driving them where they needed to go. I think it helped them realize that we all have things we need to do without being rewarded. We always stressed how we are all part of a family and work together to get things done. We also made a point if one person had a busy day and someone else didn't we would help the other person out that day. School is very important so I would continue rewards if that is working. At 10 he still made not realize how important school really is and how it will effect his life later.Best of Luck.

Let the rewards stop and the consequences begin. Intrinsic motivation is hard to cultivate in another person, but you can help shape him as he moves towards it. You said expectations are clear and upfront, which is perfect because then he will have no excuse for not following through. So, if it is homework not finished, then he does not have tv, computer, games, etc. that evening. If it is not cleaning up his room, then he is unable to join you while you watch a fun movie that evening. If it is not picking up his room, his laundry will not have been in the laundry bin, so he will not have his favorite outfits to wear. If it is not brushing his teeth, then he will not be able to enjoy your delicious dessert because you want to make sure he does not get too much sugar since he's not brushing. While these consequences are not truly "natural" they are logical, so you really aren't the bad guy and the ball is pretty much in his court. These types of consequences are not really negative like a punishment, and sort of parallel what might happen in the real world. It will take some careful thinking and planning on your part and take some time, but your son will start to figure it out and will become more responsible because he wants to. Good luck to you and I hope things work out so everyone is happy!

Hi P. Stay firm when you tell him to do something or get him professional help to see why he'll being so stubborn and non-motivated. Because it this isn't corrected now, he's going to have problems as an adult dealing with the real world.

I don't want to be an alarmist, and it may be way off base, but have you had him evalated for ADD? The type that I have (ADD Inattentive type) is very easy to miss, as it does not have the hyperactive component that gets most kids identified in school (I was identified at 40+!) If that's what is going on, he probably needs a lot of intermediate reminders to keep on track. There's a lot written about it, especially in kids, and you should be able to get much better results if you're targeting the actual difficulty rather than the final outcome.

Good luck!

You're right, your son is probably too old to be rewarded for things he should be expected to do. I always say to my kids that I don't reward good behavior, I expect it. If they don't do what they are supposed to do, there are consequences. Homework not done?...No tv,computers etc. It is also important to let your child fail. It is hard and so many times we as moms bail them out. When my kids choose not to study or do their homework, it is their grade, not mine. (Notes to the teacher are never written unless my kids are sick). And when they bring home bad grades due to laziness or incomplete assignments it's extra studying time and less free time.
My response to my kids when they say they don't care..."You don't have to care, you just have to follow the rules or suffer the consequences.
Check out the book Smart Discipline by Larry Koenig. You should be able to get it at the library. It's easy and enjoyable to read and changed the way I parent. Good luck!

I'd suggest reading a discipline book by someone who adamantly opposed reward/punishment systems and see what they have to say. Do a search at Amazon for positive discipline. One popular book is Unconditional Parenting.