No Extended Family Around!

Hi, K.. I'm in exactly the same situation (up to being an almost-28 year old WAHM to a 21 month old, even); I hate not having family nearby. My boyfriend's family is in another state and mine is pretty spread out. I've still never left my son with anyone else, though now that he sleeps through the night, I've considered asking a friend from a local mom's group to come over after I've put him to bed.
My best recommendation is to find a local mom's group, both for support/friendship, and also for suggestions for a babysitter that someone else has used and trusts. Good luck!

YES. I agree about finding a mom's group! Besides support you can ask them who they use for sitters. Also, I've been through several due to their moving, but have had neighborhood girls come over and watch my son while I'm home. (Mother's Helpers) Then I can get a feel for how they interact with my son. Some have played instruments for them, taught him Spanish words, etc. Good luck!!!

Depending on use of technology you could get a web cam for her grandparents so she'll know them my sister does that with her son when her husband goes to war they have time to talk online
though I see he misses his father it is better than nothing.

Hi K.,
I absolutely know how you feel. My husband and I are originally from South Africa and have NO family here. Both sets of parents and all our siblings are back in South Africa. We try to go home once a year and really look forward to that. It is difficult to live so far from family.
I have 3 children and when my oldest was born I took close up photos of each of our family members and pasted them on a bulletin board. I color codedtha family members and wrote their names underneath. My children have a close repaltionship wqith their grandparents even though we are far apart. We tell them stories and talk about thei grandparents and family all the time. We call once a week t home and also use skype on the computer for the children to be able to see the children.
Not having anyone around to give a you a little break is TOUGH, believe me I know. We have used a babysitter from people at work that we know...occassionally and then we stay close enough to get home quickly. We try to get the children to bed early at night though and then we have time alone (since we don't have regular babysitters)
I worry about my children growing up without their grandparents around, but for us right now this is where we need to be. Remember that distance doesn't have tp take away from a relationship. Keep them informaed about all her activitiesand have your parents right letters, even on email. I would read the letters to my children and my parents also often send little cards via email, which the kidslove to receive.
Just know that you are not alone in this. Some days are worse than others, but I have peace with the fact that I'm lucky to have family that I know love me very much, even though they're far away!!!
I hope this helps and good luck!

Hi K.,
An idea to help your child get to know her extended family is to create a photobook with their pictures in it and show it to her often. My daughter has several small photo albums (small so she can hold them and flip through them easily) with family photos in them. She knows who each person is and she loves looking at her picture books.

My daughter also likes to talk to our extended relatives on the phone.

Best of luck finding a way to connect with your relatives who live far away.

As far as babysitting, we live 2 miles from my parents and we never go out so living near family is no guarantee. Seriously, we go out twice a year -- once for our birthdays (hubby and I share a bday) and once for our anniversary. But, if you'd like to look for a sitter I suggest asking friends for recommendations or checking sittercity.com for sitters near you.

Hi K... I can understand how you feel. I am glad so many folks have had the time to respond and I have had the time to read thru them, so I appologize if this is redundant. I did see that some have suggested a church to help learn the community. I would also suggest trying to find a local mommy's group and attending some of their functions. I was fortunate to find one here in MD that has given me so much support. We live an hour away from my mother and we are several hundred miles away from my husband's extended family. I am mom to a 4 yr old and a 22 month old who has not met their daddy's extended family (his parents has passed).

K.,
I understand and know what you are saying. Both my family and my husbands live out of state. There are a few things you can do. First, ask your neighbors, husbands co-workers, etc for a recommendation for a babysitter. You deserve to go out, and enjoy it.
As for the family, internet chats are a great way to stay connected and keep your family and you child knowing each other. Also, photo books with pictures of everyone are another great way. When you are missing your family, show your child pictures of everyone and tell them who they are. Make sure you both stay connected.
Good luck!

I know you have a lot of responses but I just wanted to say that I sympathize with you. My mother passed away in 2007 and both of my husband's parents passed away young - before we were married. My father and I aren't close as my parents got divorced when I was 3 and he moved back to France where he was from. We talk on occasion but obviously, he's not here. My husband is very close to his sister but she lives 3 hours away. The rest of our family (both sides) lives several states away. So it's just us and yes, it's SO hard to not have family nearby. More so than I ever imagined. People act like we're nuts b/c we can't get out more but we can't shell out $40+ dollars every weekend for a babysitter (not to mention leaving our children with people they don't know that well). They don't understand that most people who have children have someone they can leave them with for FREE. We don't. Anyhow, just venting. Point is, I COMPLETELY understand. I've even thought about trying to start a local network specifically for people without family. Maybe share free babysitting and be "surrogate" families for each other.

I feel your pain!! My family is in Oregon and my husband's family is in Philly (but they are very busy and we don't see them very often). We also do not have the option to move, although we are working on it. It's going to take us a couple of years to be able to do something like that.

Try to get involved in some things in your community and meet some good people. For us, it was soccer. My oldest son (7) played soccer this last season and I coached his team (with baby in a hiking backpack on my back :) Well, at the coaches meeting I met a teenage girl who was coaching her younger sibling's team with her mother. Her mother mentioned that she babysits, so we set up a time to meet with her and her father (since mom was busy and I'd alredy met her) and really have a good interview with her. They're a great family and she's a really sweet, responsible girl. She's now our babysitter on those occasions when we want to go to dinner and a movie just the two of us. My 7yo. loves her and my 21mo tolerates her (which is more than I can say for anyone else other than my mother on her biannual visit, he's VERY attached to me)

So anyways, my point is that there are a lot of great people out there, you just have to get out and meet them. Teenage girls are a great resource for babysitting. I myself was babysitting at the age of 11. Call your local YMCA, library, or parks and rec and ask them if they conduct a babysitting course (a lot of places do). If they do, ask them if they can give you a recommendation for a good babysitter, then conduct an interview yourself and a short trial, like an hour or two. If everything seems to be working out, then try longer periods of time until you can get a full date in with your husband. We pay our babysitter 4-5 dollars per hour per child. This is good pay for a babysitter, but I believe that when you find a good one, PAY HER WELL! :)

As for family involvement, there are tons of ways to keep your children in touch with far-away family members. At your daughter's age, maybe it'll be a matter of asking your parents and in-laws to video tape themselves reading storybooks for her and send them so she can watch them. They can also do any number of other things for her to watch, like showing alphabet blocks, telling their own funny stories, making silly faces etc... when she gets older, she can do the same and also write them letters and maybe they can do something like letterboxing (look it up online) together long-distance.

Best of luck!

You have so many responses; it sounds like there are many people in the same boat.
It has been mentioned in passing by a few people, but I cannot express how important the role of church has been in my life with the same situation you are describing. I have been in the military all my life - raised, and now married to - but the distance from family never seemed to affect me quite so much since I always had my church 'family' to rely upon. I honestly don't know how people do without it. Almost every single friend I've made in a new area has been through the merits of church attendance. I don't want to sound preachy, but that's the truth. It is where I have found friends, and sometimes groups of friends, with children my age to switch off babysitting and hang out with when I need some time to just talk.
As far as your child getting to know her distance relatives, buy her a picture book and fill it with family pictures so she is still aware of who they are, and get a webcam! Take advantage of the technology that allows us to connect with our loved ones through distance.
And, just as a side note, close proximity does not mean people will know each other more, or a relationship will be better. I have four siblings, three of whom are in the military. The closest is in Florida and the furthest in Turkey (in fact, I think my nearest relative is a first cousin twice removed who lives in Jersey!). We get together seldom, as you can imagine, but we are all incredibly close when it comes to love. You can have family in the same town that all hate each other. Your child's relationship with her family will have more to do with how you are with one another than the amount of distance between you. My beloved grandmother, who recently passed away and was one of my favorite people in the world, never lived less than 600 miles from me until I was an adult. Don't let it discourage you :)

Hi K.,
Same situation-parents in FL, husband's parents out of country. We rarely go out other than family outings. I don't mind for the most part, but miss seeing movies (something besides Disney!) and dinner nights out. We were fortunate to get a few nights out this year because the school she attends had some parents night out events (6p-11p) to raise funds for school. It was great and she was with teachers we trusted and kids she knew (she'll be five in September). We moved to Maryland two years ago, so lost our friend network, too- I understand how isolated you can feel. Check out some of your local gyms or daycare centers that might offer parents night out events. You worry less when your child is with several people than alone at home with someone you don't know well. It's a start. Good luck!

K.,

I'm a single mom to a soon be year 12 month old. My parents live in North Carolina and my sister is in New York City. I understand how you are feeling - it is hectic to balance our new roles as mother. Do your in-laws live within driving distance? Although my parents live in NC (we meet just outside Richmond), they have my son one-week per month, so I relish in the 1 week that I have to pamper myself - go to the bathroom alone, have dinner with friends, enjoy a glass of wine and a good book or magazine, sleep in late, and get a manicure/pedicure. Like you, I have not found a babysitter that I trust, so until I find someone, I know that every nmonth I will have a week to myself. If your in-laws don't live within driving distance, perhaps you can arrange for them to watch your 21 month old every over month.

I just remembered a site that someone shared with me awhile ago - check out http://www.sittercity.com I don't know anything about this group/organization, so I can't endorse them.

Hi K.,
I know the situation you are in. You might want to get involved in a local church. I know that is a great way to make new friends and find youth or other adults that can be a mother's helper or even babysit for you. Churches are typically pretty safe and trustworthy. I know there are a lot of great ways in this area. If you would like a list I would be happy to share them with you.
D.

Extended family adds so much. If you can create one from neighbors, friends, people at church/a community group that will be invaluable to you. If you need a little extra help connecting with people who are equally interested in starting a new friendship with the intention to create chosen extended family, try www.CreatingExtendedFamilies.com

Hello! I feel your pain! I am in the same situation... My family is all in Canada and my husband's family all in India. So it is just the two of us in US with our 3 kids (twins and a baby). We have to rely on each other only and it is tough sometimes. Especially if one of us is not feeling well. We never have any relief but we manage. Once or twice we requested the help of friends or collegues but we dont like to disturb others. I dont really have good advice other than try to find people you trust and love your kids. We have good friends and they became like our family here. Good luck!

Hi K., I just wanted to comment. I am a mom of a 4 year old and have always lived around my parents and grandparents. Recently I moved out of state to be with my fiancee who is in the Navy. I went from being surrounded by family to only having my man and my son. I was a wreck for a while adjusting to the thought of being so alone. My son was very close to his grandparents and his grammy and I felt horribly guilty about taking him away from all that love. But what it ultimately came down to for me was ensuring he had a loving family that was comprised of a mother and father. While having all his grandparents in his life was great- nothing takes the place of a mother and father.Thats the ground you have to stand on now..you and your husband is all the child really needs. As long as the two of you are providing that love there really is nothing to feel guilty about..

I completely understand - we also have no extended family anywhere near us! I am definitely envious of those moms who have parents/in-laws in the area and can easily drop off their child whenever they want! It is hard, and I've made some great friends, which is wonderful, but it is not the same as having family around as close as we are.

We use a webcam and I encourage our family to visit as much as possible. My daughter and I also make frequent trips back home as much as possible (it is harder for my husband to come since he works). I feel like all of this is important so that my daughter does have a relationship with her grandparents and extended family. And I have to say that even though she doesn't see them more than a few times a year she is now two and definitely knows her grandparents and a few aunts and uncles.

I feel your pain. We have no extended family in the area either. Being military makes it hard too since when you make one friend they transfer out. I do not have 1 real friend I keep in touch with or go out with on a regular basis and that is something I have been looking for just to get out of the house. We have lived in Norfolk, VA for 12 years now & hopefully will only be here for 3 - 5 years longer. I have to listen to my mother all the time tell me how she did not get to see her grandchildren grow like she does my sisters kids. Military does not make it easy to see everyone as much as you would like.

I too can say I get envious of people with extended family. There is a teacher at my school whose daughter leaves base every time her husband deploys and relocates to her parents house while he is gone. I always think how nice it would be to quit work, or not work, and pack up and leave while my husband deployed. The reality is I have to work so I do not have that luxury. I am with children 24/7 365.

My children are older now and can pretty much take care of themselves. I can leave to go to the grocery store and they can stay home. Now it is nice to be able to take off but I only do it to go grocery shopping. Guess I still worry about my babies.

I have tried the web cam and it is great but it phased out quickly. You have to catch everyone at home or set a time you are going to do it with everyone you contact so you don't miss them.

I don't have much advice. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I wish you the best!

We are military so the closest family we have is twelve hours away in Vermont and those are my in-laws. My family is in Texas. I know how you feel. My in-laws visit every six months but it's still not the same. I only get to see my family once every one or two years. It's rough. We cope by making friends. Some of our friends are like family. It gets easier.

It takes time to establish a new network. Never be so desperate to make friends or relationships that you miss seeing signs that someone has evil intentions toward you and your family. Use this time to become a tighter-knit family, and be sure to be a part of something bigger than you--either your homeowner association, church, civic association, something. But, take time to build and nurture relationships. In due time, you will have a new network here that will be what you need it to be for you and your family--a support system in hard times and an opportunity to sow your contributions to society in kind. Be patient, watchful and open to good possibilities, and make sure you do not move too quickly to inviting people into your space. Though it might seem lonely, you have peace right now. Treasure this time.

Where are you located? My husband and I live in Chesterfield with our almost-2 year old little boy. My family lives out of state as well, and my husband's family is 3 1/2 hours away, so I can definitely relate to your frustration. I don't know how many times I've wished that we had relatives close enough to babysit!
If you ever need to vent, please feel free to email me- ____@____.com. Maybe we could get together sometime for coffee or a playground visit.
Hope this helps!
Sincerely,
S.

There are a lot of responses, and I haven't had a chance to read them all so I apologize if this is repetitive. I have an 18 month old daughter, and all of my and my husband's relatives are on the west coast. We have fortunately been able to see them a few times a year between us traveling there and them traveling here. We recently flew to our parents and left our daughter with them for a week while we went on vacation, and it was wonderful. Family got the opportunity to spend one-on-one time with our daughter, and we got a much needed vacation and adult time.

However, I know that's not always an option. I do highly suggest getting a web cam for yourself and your family so that your child can interact with them and have weekly video calls. My SIL's husband is in the military and while he was in Iraq, she and her kids lived with her parents and since he's returned home and they've been relocated, they've used webcam to overcome the withdrawals their kids have had from "mama" and "papa". Her kids LOVE talking to them via video, and I'm about to get us set up to do the same. I'm excited for my daughter now that she's become so interactive and starting to talk to have that time with her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.

In terms of local support, we have found a lot of support and good friends through church. A lot of us in this area do not have extended family, so we rely a lot on each other. Several of my church friends' teenage girls babysit a lot, and we have found a few that we trust who are able to babysit at a very reasonable rate. I also have joined a local mom's group where I've made some very close friends. You may find through a local mom's group other moms who share your parenting style and with whom you can swap babysitting for free.

Also, my husband and I go out most weekends and often take our daughter with us. I find that taking our daughter to restaurants regularly has taught her to behave well in public, and it gives us our get out of the house fix. It seems we try about once a month to do it just the two of us, though.

I hope that helps some.

K.:

Hello!

Right now my parents live in CA and my FIL (MIL died 3 years ago) lives in MA - we are in VA - this has been my whole life - I'm a Navy Brat and married USAF.

We MADE our extended family - go to church, volunteer, find mommy groups - you will find people you "click" with. Trust in God to guide you to the people who have similar values to yours. You will be amazed at God's work!

You will end up finding people you can entrust your child with and vice versa and before you know it, you will have your own extended family within miles of you.

No, it's not the same as blood family - with the advent of technology there are SOOOO many ways you can keep in touch not just with phone calls - skype will allow you to see the person you are talking with the computer cameras.

Think positively and many good things will come your way!

Take good care!

Cheryl

I understand how you feel. Though I have my mother in the area, she was ill for two years and could not help, and other family members, though in the area are far and difficlut to get to. I'm trying to goto to a movie with my husband and mother, but my daughter can't go and finding a babysitter right now is really, really difficult. HEr other grandparents are out of state, and my husband travels a lot right now. So know that though you may not have family around you, you are not alone in your frustrations.

A.

Hi K.,

I live here in Virginia Beach and the closest family we have is over 1 1/2 hours away! My parents both passed away and my mother-in-law lives in Ohio. I to wish we had family in the area. I would really love for my son to grow up knowing what it's like to have cousins to play with and family reunions to go to, but we do the best we can. I work, so my son is in daycare and we have used one of his teachers on occasion to babysit so we can have "date night", but that can be costly. I find it so hard to trust him with anyone else.

Hi K.. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone! I'm in the same boat too...my folks and my inlaws -and sister, best friends, etc- live in another state. (A bit different situation, as we're militray, but same overall issue.) I sometimes feel alone and even a bit jealous of my friends who have these very close relationships (as well as daily or at least weekly help) with their grandkids. Our son just turned 2 years old recently. We call home alot, make art projects to send and have also considered one of those webcams. We joined a few local programs- such as classes, a mom's day out program, etc. But thankfully, we've linked up with another couple with a child about the same age, and they've become like an aunt and uncle to our son.

My advice is to try to meet other moms anyway you can...through a mom's group, a class (for you or your child), introducing yourself to someone at a park you see alot, anything! You never know where that can lead. The gap won't be filled, since they won't ever take the place of your immediate family, but perhaps you can fill a bit of the void and start learning more about your area (sitters for example) at the same time. Good luck!

Hi K.,
We are very fortunate to have grandparents around but I have also used sittercity.com to find babysitters. I have had good luck with the site especially since we moved to Northern Baltimore County. There so many nice kids home from college who are willing to babysit. Also if you can join a moms group, it would be a good source for finding babysitters.

Good Luck in your quest for alone time!

Hi K.,

I understand completely. My husband and I were military for awhile and when my daughter was born I got out and he stayed in. It was rough not having family around to teach my how to take care of my new baby. Then we moved to where my husband side of the family lives and they might as well be in another state or country. I can't count on them for hardly anything, even watching my kids. My family lives in another state too and yes it's rough. What just as hard for me is that my sister is military and lives overseas right now. This is why it is so important to find friends you can trust like family where you live. Use people from your playgroups, church, etc. If you can, try getting to know the wives of some of husband's coworkers. That's what I did and it was a good thing too. I got so much help with my kids that I felt like they could be family too. It is still hard to be away from family, but there are always ways you can be near them. Technology is wonderful these days. Get a webcam and microphone so you can see and talk to you family often. If you can, go visit them too. Mine live 12 hours away so I can't visit as often I want to, but it works out ok. Keep smiling and the more people you get to know, the better you'll feel.

Hi K.,

I understand how you feel because I too have no family around. My family live out of state and my hubby's family live out of the country. When I had my son, I decided to join a local mom's group I found on meetup.com. It was really a blessing and they have become a sort of extended family to me and mine. Some of us have become great friends and our kids too. We swap babysitting, have occasional moms night out and whole family picnics too. If you live in the Hampton Roads area I'll be happy to meet you sometime and chat. Feel free to email too. Take Care!

I hear ya! My family is overseas. My husband's family is 3.5 hours away. His mom is also useless even on the rare occasions that she does visit. She doesn't help and she is more trouble than help. And with a toddler boy and a baby boy it's very difficult. My husband's dad helps as much as he can. He comes with or without his wife to help as much as he can when my husband is out of town (which is a lot) and they try to come to visit once a month even when my husband doesn't go away. They do help a lot when here but they never stay more than a couple of nights.
My sister-in-law & husband have a son who is 2 months older than our oldest son but she is very mean and very competitive so I don't enjoy their visits or our visits with them. She lives next to her parents so she gets help all the time, yet she still constantly complains!
It's really hard and really isolating. We do have a couple of sitter that we trust, but didn't start using a sitter till our oldest was like 15 months old because I was still breastfeeding then (breastfed him till 22 months old).
All I can say is try to find a mommy's group. If you can, put your child in at least a part-time day-care. It will be good for him/her and for you as well. My son is in full time day care now because I have the baby now and it's just too much to take care of both boys on my own. I think it makes a huge difference if you have girls. My friends with girls have a much much easier time. I am jealous of them and jealous of everyone I know with the grandparents around. They just go out pretty much whenever they want to. They even go on vacations without the kids. I don't think we will ever be able to do that until they are much much older.
And yes, it makes me very sad that my kids won't know their grandparents as well. My mil hardly ever comes to visit. And my parents only get to see them a couple times a year because they live overseas.
Moving is also not an option for us because where they live there aren't any suitable jobs for my husband.
So yes, I totally feel your pain.

All I can suggest is that you join a mommy group and try to find sitters through word of mouth and through your church or whatever it is that you go to if you do.

I can totally sympathize...my parents are in another state and my inlaws have NEVER offered to take my kids, even for an afternoon. I stopped hoping for that a long time ago.

You just have to find sitters, even for a few hours at a time. There are so many wonderful teenagers out there who are great with kids. It's hard to let go, but just go for an hour or 2 the first time and gradually get longer. It will help.

I'm so jealous of moms who have family to babysit, I wish I had it but I don't so we get sitters and make the best of it. Good luck!

You don't mention where you live. I live in the Independent Hill area of Manasssas. My kids go to an awesome home daycare provider who I know has a few openings. Let me know if you interested in the info.
M.

hi K.,
that's such a tough situation. my heart goes out to you.
webcam is great for family connections, but doesn't do much to help the biggest problem, which is you having zero replenish time. i know some moms consider any time spent alone as unnecessary and selfish, but i disagree. i think it's vitally important for women to get some quiet space in which to refresh the soul.
getting to know someone else well enough to trust them with your child is no easy task, but i hope you're able to network enough to do so. moms groups are a GREAT place to start. our local homeschool groups have been a terrific resource in which to connect with other families where we've found friendship, help and support. i know there are similar groups for folks who aren't homeschooling. once you've found a group you like, you're bound to end up friendly with someone with whom you can form sufficient liking and trust that you can take an hour, and eventually an afternoon or even a night for yourself, with reciprocation being part of the relationship. it's also so good for children to be strong and confident enough to be able to be parted from mom from time to time.
until then, though, make sure that you are nurturing yourself as much as you can. bubble baths, a favorite video after your daughter is in bed, a little yoga or meditation. i see far too many young mothers get depressed and frustrated because they feel guilty about spending time on themselves.
good luck!
khairete
S.

K.,
Good Morning. I understand your frustration. I own a babysitters placement business called BabysitEase. We do face to face interviews, extensive background checks and reference checks. All of our sitters are over 18 and have their own transportation. Many are in college or have graduated with degrees in early childhood development, teaching or nursing. We have a wonderful group of women! I have two boys, 9y/o and a 21 month old - I am a overprotective mommy, I would trust each and every one of the girls that we have accepted as our sitters with my boys!

We are running a special right now - 50% off of registration! Instead of the usual $75.00 registration you would pay $37.50. Once you have registered you are able to login and schedule a sit anytime 24/7! You pay a $10 scheduling fee and then $9 directly to the sitter with a minimum of 3 hours. Some moms have the sitter come in while they clean to entertain the children.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

A. Haddigan
www.BabysitEase.com
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