Alright, I may be breaking some taboo by being an uncle instead of a mom, but my wife and I are very concerned about our niece. She stays with us two weeks out of the month, because her dad works on an oil rig. Recently, within the last few months (no more that four), we have caught her in several lies. She is 16 and has been seeing a 18 or 19 year old boy behind everyone's back for a couple of months or more. She continues to lie about the situation. Her dad grounded her and we are abiding by his punishment. However, she was caught at school with a "borrowed" cell phone trying to call the boy. My major concern is that within the last two weeks, since she was grounded, he has snuck a prepaid cell phone to her at her house, called the school pretending to be her dad to see if she was at school and is calling all hours of the night (like 1-3am) with his number blocked. She is an active participant in the deception, but I strongly suspect that he is manipulating her. Am I worried for nothing? Please give us some advice, as she is the closest thing we have to a daughter and this whole situation is breaking my wife's heart.
Edit: I would like to address some of the questions brought up in the responses. First, I apologize for the lack of clarity on the reason she was grounded. She was grounded because she had disobeyed her dad on an unrelated issue to do with her car. Second, she was sneaking around by her own choice prior to her grounding. We didn't even know the boy existed, until a couple of weeks ago and they've been seeing each other for months. She had met him in another town when she went to visit her half-sister and we have never had the opportunity to meet him. We do not understand why she kept him secret. If she had been up front with everyone from the beginning, then there wouldn't be a problem. Third, we are positive that it was him that called the school pretending to be her dad, my wife spoke to him afterwards. Last, I would like to emphasize that this behavior is foreign to our niece. She has always been truthful and up front with my wife, even when she couldn't talk to anyone else. She has always asked my advice on questions that she wanted a man's perspective on. We've always been open with her, as to our conversation and our opinions when asked. Please understand that this is not her first boyfriend and we haven't had this issue with other boyfriends. She did have one try to become possessive and she broke up with him because of it, without outside influence. One other thing, I've forgotten to mention, he blocks his number when he calls. I don't know if that's important, but I thought it odd.
Thank you all who have responded, I hope this additional information helps.
We've had a rough week, since I last edited this question. Some of you mentioned that you felt as if the guy was older. I want to congratulate you on your insight. He is 29. He had lied to her at first. Of course, she lied to him at first as well and said she was 18. But, he knew the truth within a short time...before he began raping her. We have had some astounding revelations over the last week and a half. He now sits in a jail cell, because he started raping her in February when she was 15, on the very first night they met in person. Let me back up and tell you how this all began, because you may rethink allowing your children to have Facebook.
My niece took a selfie and posted it on Facebook. Because her privacy settings were "Public", he was able to see it. We still don't know how he found her, though. He made a comment and a conversation began. Over the next two weeks they had several conversations over the phone and Facebook. They read the Bible together, prayed together and talked. She was totally convinced that he was a good guy. So, they agreed to meet when she went up to her half sister's for the weekend. He convinced her to go for a ride and they parked. They began kissing and he started touching her. She pushed him away and said slow down, but he told her to "let whatever happens happen." The next thing she knew they were in the back seat having sex. He convinced her that she wanted it. He managed to film them having sex and began blackmailing her with the video, threatening to put it on her Facebook account, which he had taken control of. He had also taken over her email and other social media accounts, changing all of her passwords, so that she couldn't get into the accounts. He would lock her up in his apartment, barricading the door so that she couldn't get out. He brainwashed her into believing that she was the reason that he "relapsed" into sex addiction. He would make her take pictures of herself doing homework or at school so that he could know where she was and what she was doing. He would text her ALL of the time. He had her so scared of him that she was afraid for her life, but he also threatened "someone close to" her. Now, after all that, we are waiting on the Western Blot test to confirm the ELISA HIV test. We are so devastated as a family.
Some of you seemed to be suggesting that we were too involved in her dating life. Apparently, we weren't involved enough.
The more you try to pull teens apart, the tighter they hang on.
Invite the kid over. Spend time. Bring the relationship into the forefront and things will be different. If you meet the kid, you might discover that he is really quite nice -- or not. He is a little older, but this is normal! My 18 year old is dating a 20 year old.
Why is she seeing him "behind everyone's back"? 16 is old enough to date, right?
Invite the boy over for dinner. You, your wife, your niece, and this guy. See what he is all about.
Then you'll have more knowledge to judge the situation.
ETA: If the boy refuses to come over for dinner, that is a bad sign!
It would be a clearer picture if you could share why she has been seeing him for several months "behind everyone's back." Why is she doing that? I understand why if she has been prohibited from seeing him, but WHY was she prohibited from seeing him in the first place. See what I mean?
The other responses are good. Invite him over. Get to know him. Etc.
But there is a piece to this missing about why she was prohibited from seeing him to start with.
I agree with everyone. She has been forbidden to see him, which just makes it more desirable! You always want what you can't have right, be it chocolate cake or the 18 year old boy friend.
I have no experience with teenage girls except that I was one once. Nonetheless, I suggest the adults reconsider the ban, invite him over, etc. I think I would explain that she does need to serve out her punishment, but afterwards she will be permitted to see him.
Regardless of the decision, please, please, please make sure she understands about birth control, stds etc. This girl is on the verge of her first encounter. Hopefully you've all been talking her about this all along, and she will be able to wait until she's older. But let's face it: teenagers are going to get together... you MUST make sure she is prepared for that eventuallity. Even if its just preparing her how to say no. (hopefully...!)
And when you have the boyfriend over, I'd take him aside and put the fear of G*d in him... that's what Uncles are for!
The good news is that this is normal for her age.
And the bad news is that this is normal for her age.
It's good news in that her behavior is developmentally appropriate. Your post shows no indication of trauma, an unduly troubled home life, or impaired mental or social functioning. She's not doing what the loving adults in her life want her to do, but her judgment doesn't sound any worse than that of any other 16-year-old girl.
And, it's bad news in that you're fighting the forces of young love (and hormones) here. And T., young love is a category-5 hurricane. Parental controls didn't stop Romeo and Juliet, and they may not stop your niece either. Without knowing why there's this out-and-out ban (does the boy have a criminal record or something?) it's hard to know whether to advise you to take still more draconian measures or relax the rules a little.
But either way, I do think it might be helpful to remind yourself that this IS normal, in every single way, for a teenage girl. Many, many teen girls (myself included, long ago) fall head-over-heels in insane & ridiculous forbidden love and give their families whole heads of gray hair. Most (myself included) survive and grow up to be unbelievably boring, respectable parent/professional adults. Chances are your niece will too.
She is sneaking around because she has been grounded from seeing her boyfriend. Of course that is what she will do. They aren't going to just stop seeing each other! Geez, haven't you ever been a teenager in love? Why was she grounded? Trying to keep them apart is just going to make them want to be together even more. It would make more sense to make rules about where and when they can see/talk to each other.
The worst thing you can do with a teen is to not allow them to to hang out with a certain person. If this person is a 'boyfriend' and she is attracted to him it's even worse. If the guy is really bad news, hopefully she will see his bad behavior and end it. But if all of you continuely bad mouth him she will defend him and refuse to see he is not good for her.
Believe me I get it. You want to protect them but you can't.
Picture this:
You and your wife are teenagers. You are dating and madly in love. However, for whatever reason, you don't think that your parents would approve so you keep the relationship a secret. Somehow mom and dad find out about the relationship and forbid you to see your wife (Or in this story, your girlfriend). Do you listen to them? Hell no! You're a rebellious hormonal 16-18 year old boy. You don't listen to your parents. You fight for the one you love and the fact that your parent's don't like the relationship just makes you love it more.
Yes, your niece is completely normal. However, forbidding her to see this boy is going to backfire big time. I'm not a religious person, but the best way to describe this whole situation is the "Adam and Eve story". If it had just been a normal apple, they probably wouldn't have even noticed it. However, when God forbid them from eating it... Well, then it became all they could think about. They became obsessed with that damn apple. Why couldn't they eat it? What was different about it? It must be exceptionally amazing if they were forbidden from eating it. Ya-de-ya-de-ya... You get the point. Forbidding something is just a bad idea all around.
Get his license plate number, without him knowing. Look on his vehicle.
Background check him.
Alert the SCHOOL, that this is going on.
He is FRAUDULENTLY.... claiming to be a parent.
AND, who picks her up from school after school? How does she get home? Are any of you home when she gets home? Or is she just by herself?
Lots of loopholes/opportunities for her and that guy, to get together.
DOCUMENT everything.
Look on your Niece's cell phone, get his phone number too.
Take PHOTOS of him if you see him, with your cell phone etc. And if you have a photo of him or his vehicle etc., it is also documentation and you can use it to show the Police etc. if anything happens.
I would also, take a CURRENT photo of your Niece, in case she is missing and you have to locate her.
Hopefully, he is not some weirdo, "grooming" her for untoward things. Like child trafficking.
Maybe he is not even the age he claims to be.
HOW OLD is he, actually?
You need to find out about him.
Don't tell him.
And background check him, or call the Cops for anything you can.
And I really hope you have told her Dad/parents about this.
It is very, full of red flags.
Him giving her a pre-paid cell phone, is very weird.
It means, that he is giving her that so he can't be tracked etc.
It is deception... on many levels.
And he seems to know, what he is doing. Deception, manipulating her to hide things and keep secrets, avoiding the means of getting caught, etc.
And, what the heck happened, when your Wife spoke to him, as you said?
Did she speak to him in person or on a phone?
That would have been your/your Wife's opportunity, to find out about him.
But of course, he probably lies... about everything per his identity.
Are you sure of his age? Cause I am getting an "older" vibe.
Keep your niece close ...and her boyfriend, closer.
Invite them out to dinner. Pick him up where he lives.
I think you have two options here:
1. Invite him over to dinner and get to know him. Enforce rules and require transparency when it comes to this person seeing her (they stay in public areas, speak on the phone where they are heard during normal hourse, no sneaking or lying necessary).
2. Contact his parents and shut the situation down.
I'd go with #1, because I'm a realist and don't think that they'll stop seeing one another.
That is the kind of thing 16 year old girls do, especially when they have been forbidden to date a boy they have already been seeing for months.
He blocks his calls because he knows you don't approve of him.
She "loves" this guy, and despite arbitrary designations of "adulthood," a 19 year old boy and a 16 year old girl have approximately the same maturity level.
She is not a bad girl, she's doing what girls in love do. I suggest your family reconsider the relationship and welcome this boy into your daughter's life, so she doesn't have to sneak around. Maybe he's a great kid.
And yes, make sure she's had the sex talk and preparations.
I agree with the other answers but I have a question or two...how do you know it was him that called the school and pretended to be her dad? what did the school tell him?
If he's calling the school just to check up on her, that shows possible signs of "possessiveness" which is not a good sign. If he's calling the school to see if she's there so he can try to come see her, that's less worrisom.
To help answer your question, we really do need more info as to why she was grounded and why she was sneaking around in the first place (was she grounded because of the sneaking around? was she grounded for something else but then snuck around so she could see him? or was she sneaking around because she wasn't allowed to see him? was that because of who he was or his age or behavior?)
I understand this is a change, but she is getting more oportunitys to make more decions hence the changes.
1. You need to address what the consequence should be for dissobeying her grounding.
2. Let her undertand, that she is the one who did not bring Mr X around the family. Let her think about it/figure out why?.. why is she ashamed of him? Why does she feel that there would be disapproval. Anyone worth being friends with is worth meeting the family. Boys & girls alike.. ALL friends need to be interduced to family.
3. She is feeling out what she can get away with. Put the kabosh on it now. She was seeing him behind everyons back. Consquence need to happen, she disobeyed her grounding, further Consequence.
4. Discpline for her going behind your backs with this friendship/boyfriend. All relationships should be treated the same. Boys or girls. No freindship should be hidden.
This is a steping stone of learning and growing for all. Good luck
Hi! Let me 1st say, Welcome Uncle!
I have raised 4 girls & am now for the last 13yrs. raising one of our Grangirlz, so I DO know about these kinds of situations a little.
Without upsetting you too much I hope, I think she is more than likely, 'in love' for the 1st time & MAY be having her 1st sexual relationship...Since she is so close to your wife, it may be time to sit her down for the, 'birth control' talk. She will more than likely deny that she IS having sex unless your wife, your brother & yourself have kept this part of growing up an open window so she feels comfortable talking about it, even then she may choose to not talk about it...I am just saying that this is what it sounds like to me.
Keeping her grounded according to her father's wishes IS the right thing to do. It's not going to be easy but you just have to plod along and get it over with, if you give up then she will know she can, 'get it over' on you both.
As to the boy, trust & believe he more than likely is NOT a part of her deceit she is capable of this by nature on her own, it's just what teens do, you know you have heard that, "you know when teens are lying"? "It's when their mouths are moving"! This doesn't mean she isn't a good person it is just the nature of the beast. She is dating someone who does not have to follow the same rules & regulations she has to abide by, I don't know cuz' you didn't say but, he more than likely is not in school as she is so has more free time & that looks great to her.
As to his phone number being blocked that is/could be for many different reasons, ex-girlfriends, parents of new girlfriends (that's you) are the main ones that come to mind.
The fact he is over 18 can be scary because in the eyes of the law he is an adult. I would INSIST that a meeting with him is necessary BUT ask nicely 1st, if that doesn't work, then be firm & let her know that if you don't meet him she will have to continue to be in trouble & that is NOT what you want.
I haven't had a chance to read the other posts to you & I know this question is a couple of days old but I just felt the need to respond. I hope mine as well as the others you have received are posts that have helped.
HOLD ON CUZ' FROM NOW ON IT'S GONNA BE A BUMPY RIDE!!!
Good Luck!
