New Baby and Toddler Hitting

K., The lashing out is probably triggered by something, you can't play with him right now you're feeding the baby, he can't play with this toy right now it's too loud, anything. He is probably frustrated but does not have the words to express it. Help him with the words. Talk for him, ie I'm really mad, I want you to play right now. (I'm sorry, Mommy can't play right now, but I will soon.)

Hope that helps. M.

You can always go to the library just you and your 2 1/2yr old and get books on being the big brother and how important it is to be the big brother. Let him help you with bathing him, getting stuff when you are changing him, let him hold him with your guidance of course. Take time away from the baby with just him taking him places, he is just feeling that his new brother is taking you away from him, its only been him so he needs to understand that he is still your baby. It is normal for him to feel left out as he dont understand that a baby needs mommy for everything.

Hi K.,

It has been my experiance as the mother of three and the grandmother of one, that 2 1/2 year olds hit and not always because of changes in their lives. Most toddlers will at one time get frustrated because they do not have the words to relay what it is they want. My granddaughter is an only child and still went through the hitting stage. They do eventually grow out of it. We found with her if we could get her to stay calm and tell her to use her words it did help a lot. I can tell you there was a time when she spent some time in time out tho - it is hard to express to a small child that it hurts when you hit someone! I am not sure what kind of positive reinforcement you could do about hitting? I think if you just stay steady with telling him that it is not nice to hit and show him it will NOT get him what he wants but will instead gets him timeout he will figure it out.

Another suggestion for you would be to make sure you have some special mommy and me time that is not interrupted. Even if it's as simple as being able to take him in another room and read a book when daddy gets home and can take care of the baby - just a special little time for the two of you when no one else can be around. I started that with my children when they were little and now at the ages of 23, 26 and 28, they will call and ask for personal "mommy and me time".

Good luck and hang in there - it does get better - the key is always to be consistant!

N.

Just a couple suggestions:
~More time together alone, maybe while baby is napping and toddler isn't.
~Give him words to express feelings so he knows you get it. Example: "Use your words, son. Are you angry?" (or sad? frustrated? thirsty? etc.)
~Remember HALT! Children act up when Hungry, Angry, Lonley and/or Tired.
~"We don't hit." Then don't hit. Ever. They remember.

Also, if you have a little time to read (or listen to books on CD in the car!), Love and Logic books are very helpful. Great tips to keep your sanity! Mid Continent Library has them. I recommend the CDs so you can HEAR the "Uh-Oh!" song!

I really like all the responses so far and agree with everyone. My son turned 3 a week after his sister was born, so I feel your pain. I know that 'mommy and me' time really works...VERY important to fit that in...the chores can wait :)
Another thing that eventually worked was telling him that he's teaching his sister how to do all this stuff (hitting, squeezing, yanking) and when she gets a little older, she'll treat him that way...not because she doesn't like him, but because that is what she learned from him. So, now would he like her to hit or hug?
That would give him pause...then he would hug or gently pat her. That's when I would lay on the positive reinforcement! (Of course, 2 minutes later, I'd have to stop him again...such is the attention span of a 3 year old!)
Keep at it though...it eventually sinks in! Hopefully, it will carry over to a life long practice of treating others the way he would like to be treated.
lb

Kristen....Part of this may be a reaction to the new brother and the changes it has brought in his life but I think a big part of it is just being 2 1/2 years old!!! I think they are starting to get a real grasp on their independence at this stage...they want to do things for themselves but sometimes what they want to do and what they can actually accomplish are two different things!! I think you should handle his hitting in the same way that you handle anything else that he is doing that you don't want to happen. Get down on his level...stay CALM ( I know I know..easier said than done) and tell him "hurts Momma" or "we don't hit"...or whatever is applicable to the situation at the moment. Then distract, distract, distract...toddlers attention spans are SO short...it is easy to get them off on another track.
I also agree with the other Mom that suggested getting big brother involved with little brother...let him go get the clean diaper, or the baby powder, have him "teach his brother his favorite song"...(one that you sang to him as a baby...the two of you sing together as a duet!!).
Just wait until little brother becomes mobile...life will get even MORE interesting!!!
Good luck and God bless!!
R. Ann

I had the same problem with my girl. My pediatrician recommended the book Magic 1-2-3. GREAT book! It has helped us so much.

In order to avoid negative reinforcement and constant punishment, just say, "no hitting, hitting hurts" every time he hits, and remove him from the situation. I find many parents want to correct a behavior from across the room, but you absolutely must give them a calm, non-judgmental verbal correction, and then immediately remove them from the situation if the verbal correction does not work. Consistency is key. In addition, you must lavish praise on him at ANY time he is kind to you, the baby, the dog, a stranger, etc. Praise him when he is gentle with anything as well, even shutting a door. Be patient, and it will work. In the meantime, to avoid a real disaster, do NOT leave him alone with the baby or the dog. It is not fair to them, and while the baby cannot defend him/herself, the dog can bite.

Good Morning K.. Jealousy is sometimes a given when a new baby comes home. The older child has been the center of attention for a long while then this new little squealing, pink cheeked bundle comes home.
Our daughter in law had Corbin be a part of her pregnancy from the time she started showing. She would tell him he was getting a new brother and they were going to be great buddy's. Corbin kissed his mama's tummy everyday before she left for work telling his brother bye bye too. So when Zane arrived he wasn't upset he was happy his brother had finally got out of mama's tummy.

I would try to get your little guy involved more with your baby boy, if he can sit with you while you feed him or hand you wipes when you change him. Make him your Big Boy Helper. We also told Corbin he had to be very Gentle with his baby, he was so tiny and Corbin was a great Big Brother. Sometimes the love pats were a little firmer then they should be so the Be Gentle was repeated alot.

If he hits the dog tell him he can't play with the dogie until he is nicer to it. If he hits at you, you must tell him hitting is not acceptable behavior for a Big Boy, then time out for 2 minutes, Calm But firm not loud or overly angry. Set your oven timer if you have to. Have you asked him why he wants to hurt Mama? Make her feel sad because he wanted to hit?
Everyone goes through adjustments, making time for your self, hubby, baby and older son is not always easy and wears you out big time. Sometimes a little one on one time with mom or dad will help, show them they are still very much loved and important to your family! If dad helps with your baby take that time to play or read to your son, have some mama & me time. One other thing we did do also was explain to Corbin his baby brother was so little he couldn't do everything like a big boy can, and we needed to protect him and give him lots of extra love so he would grow up to be a big boy like Corbin. When Zane slept we played games, colored, read stories. Just because there was a baby around we still had Nana time and fun.

I wish you the best K., Congratulation on your new precious little Prince. A Lot of times attitude is everything!

God Bless you and yours
K. Nana of 5

Get him a child sized punching bag. They are blow up with sand in the bottom. Some look like clowns etc. Teach him that when he is angry or upset to go hit it. Then watch him while he does then sit and talk about it. Talking afterward will help him learn to put names to feelings. Allowing him to get the agression out first and will help him gain the patience needed to learn to express himself. He needs to learn that being angry at not being the only child and #1 son any longer is ok. He will still be the #1 son no matter how many kids you have. Nothing will take that away. He is using behavior to say what he has not learned words for yet. As he does this he will get better at learning the words for feelings and talking about them will help him learn correct ways to handle these feelings constructively. Dad also needs to play a part in this. He will learn the "manly" ways of handling his feelings with the interaction with dad. Dad will have to admit that sometimes he feels angry too. It will be real important for dad to model good anger management,because how dad handles his displacement and anger is how your son will handle his anger too.

Most of the time, this type of behavior happens because the child is trying to get attention and they don't know how to express that it a positive way. Positive reinforcement helps a lot but it sounds like your little guy needs some one on one mommy time. While the baby is asleep, make a special effort to spend time with him. Do something different and fun for him. Let him help you make some cookies or play with playdough or something like that. Give him lots of cuddles and loves. Also let him have time with the baby, supervised ofcourse. Let him know that his bad behavior is not ok and help him to learn how to be soft. Show him how to make the baby smile. He is learning how to be a big brother as well and that doesn't always come as naturally as we think it should.