Needed Advice on Child Seeing Bad Relationships.

The key to dating with kids is to take it slow. Do not introduce your kids to people you are dating for at least 6 months to a year. And then still take it slow. Dating doesn't have to wait until the kids are grown, just keep the kids out of the process as much as possible until you are sure this is the guy.

Sit down and talk to them, kids aren't dumb they see more than we want sometimes. Just be frank ask them what their thoughts are about the situation then tell them that in a good healthy relationship this is what they should expect. And then tell them that unfortunatly you found a not so healthy relationship, you are still human and learning about life also just on a different level than them. And you hope that they will learn from your mistakes. Dating should be ok but the live in thing should be reserved for marriage. That would be the good healthy relationship example that would help your kids.

Good luck.

Sounds like you went from a frying pan to a fire. I don't understand how you can start another relationship when you aren't even divorced yet. What does that show your kids? I am sorry but coming from parents who divorced, I think it would have hurt to see my parents start new relationships before the ink was dry on the papers. I wouldn't start a new relationship until you have healed from the first, because until you have healed, how will you know you are following your heart or head? I understand that sometimes things don't seem to work out in divorce, although people seem to throw in the towel before they have tried to fix
the problems. Anyway, I would try to learn from my
mistakes and be careful about going too fast in a relationship and take things slow and find out more about myself. That is the important thing to teach your kids. I am still hurting not so much from the divorce ( my dad was abusive) but from my parents not healing.

Your kids come first. You put your own 'need' for a new relationship aside and grow some more. But your kids need a positive influence. You put them and their feelings first and get the heck out of the bad relationship for their sakes.

Don't let THEM ultimately walk over you either. Just be involved in their lives so that you all know each other and boundaries. When they seem well enough adjusted, then maybe by then you've matured more to be able to be a little more able to read people. And advise your kids when they get to the age where they start having relationships too. Use your experience to their advantage.

Ok first you need to instill that what they have seen is not how to treat a person. They need to understand that it is not good totreat them meanly they need to respect them in ever espect. You need to instill that i agree that your relationships need to be done out of your home with your children until you really really really know them. Also if you guys find a church you enjoy. that might help them get ontrack too. You are a good mother. Just need to instill the positive things of a relationship. If you see like your oldest in a relationship and hes not treating them good than you need to instill the right not the wrong. Also they need to know how bad choices and good choice are and how to life isn't perfect we all wish it was but its not. So this might be a good lesson which i am sure they are getting alot of what they don't want when they are in the situation. Most children are like there parents but they don't react or do everything like them. Hope I was a little helpful. Good luck

N. ~
I also did the single-parent thing for about 12 years. It's not always easy balancing being a healthy, normal adult and being a good parent.

My son didn't meet everyone I dated, but there were a couple that I dated for awhile and he met them, and their families. I think it's ok for kids to see that not all relationships are perfect. I never dragged him into the emotional part of it after a break-up. And I never let him believe that it was his fault. My son saw that I was a normal, healthy adult. My husband's ex-wife didn't date until the kids were out of high school, and I really think that that did some damage to the kids....they didn't see her in any healthy relationships. And since they only saw us on the weekends, I don't know how much that helped them.

You will learn from this, we all do. :)
Take it slow...get things settled with your husband, first. When you do date, make it lunch dates while your kids are at school, or when they're at their dad's.

Good luck!
D.

I totally agree with your idea. My advice would be to keep your kids out of any problems you may be or may have faced. I have some good friends who recently broke up because the gal told her daughters everthing that was going on and now the daughters dislike the guy (a lot) and because of that the relationship is over. They were engaged.
I am happily married but have thought if I were to ever be single again, I would not introduce my children until I was sure of the relationship. There is that old saying that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince.

What I think is more important is how you react to being hurt and having your trust destroyed. Somebody is going to hurt your children sometime in their lives. You can teach them how to react to it with self-respect. Stand on your own two feet, tell them that what this guy did is not okay and you will not let him do it again.

It's not our job to protect our kids from the inevitable, it is our job to teach them how to live to be the best person they can, and to never be beat-down by life. They need to learn a broad range of emotion and how to deal with it. They'll learn it from you.

What I *wouldn't* do is promise them 'no more dating, no more relationships, no more meeting people'. Of course your home won't become a brothel (lol) but those promises give control of your romantic life to them instead of to you. Make commitments to yourself, if need be, but let them know that love is good, sometimes it hurts, but ultimately you are in control of your own destiny.

Good luck!

I think you are on the right track with swearing off any relationships for awhile and keeping any developing relationship out of the realm of your children. They do need to see honesty and commitment and will look to you as an example. If you do go on a date, you are just going "to out" and they don't need to know the details. I think they are old enough to understand being lied to etc. Let them know the lesson you learned and leave it at that. I think the less it is talked about, the less impact it will have. They just need to know you made a mistake, ask for forgiveness and move on. They will be fine. All the best to you!

Slow down and put the kids first. Before you bring a new man into your life, you need to divorce your husband and get a home established for you and your children. The children need a stable home with you and a routine set up with their dad regarding visitation. Put your wants of a new relationship aside and give your children what they need--a stable home and time to heal. Men can come and go, children are forever--put their livelihood and well-being first before anyone else. Counseling is also essential. I would imagine your kids are hurt and confused by the sudden loss of dad in their lives and now there is this new man around who is not a very positive influence giving them more grief. They have many issues thrown at them all at once. That's not to say that dad is in the wrong too, by having a new relationship, but someone has to be the responsible parent here who puts the kids first. The kids are learning that relationships are disposable and people are replaceable. They need time to absorb the loss of the marriage and they need to have time to heal and adjust to a new life before they can ever accept a new person in their lives. I was divorced from my first husband when our daughter was 2 years old. I remarried seven years later to my current husband. I didn't date until 5 years after my divorce--after my daughter and I built our own home and I went back to school to get a better job. I would date on the weekends when my daughter was with her dad and when I finally found my current husband, we worked at building a blended family. You need to make sure that when you get to that point someday, that you are bringing in a good and honest person into your life that will accept you and your children and be good to all of you--you are a package deal. It sounds like this guy is bad news. Let him go and find a good family counselor to work with you to help heal the wounds and build a life for you and the kids.

Warmest wishes,

M.

This could be one of those "life lessons" your kids can see that they can not trust everyone to be honest and good and people will hurt them (cuz I'm sure they were hurt to by it) but at the same time as long as you stick to your word and do not bring guys around your kids until you know for sure then they will learn that you care enough about them to get them out of the situation and wont put them into another situation until you feel that its the right time. I am a single mother of a 3 yr old and I have not dated in over 3 years bcuz I do not want to hurt my daughter and trust me its hard being alone but I see her father bringing women in and out of her life and now has another child on the way with his GF that he has only known for 3-4 months and they aren't getting along so I'm sure its not going to last much longer. So I need to be the responsible one and show her that I care more about her than having a guy in my life at the moment, it will happen sooner or later but not until I know without a dought that its the right thing to do. Keep your head up and be strong, talk to your kids and explain to your children that not every person that they meet are good and as long as you don't bring guys in and out of there lives and you wait until you know its right, even though sometimes it seems that way and may not be and its to late before you realize it, its not your fault for trying to be happy. Just explain that to your kids and i'm sure they will understand and be fine :) Good luck and remember things happen for a reason and whats meant to be will be :)

Without trying to minimize what you went through, that is life. What you need to do now is show your kids how you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go on with your life. Protecting them from the bad isn't helping them - but showing them how to deal with moving on, in a positive way, does.

Comming from a prson whos mom was married an devorised 5 times. I can assure you that the kids will bounce back.We all learn from our mistakes even our kids as we do know more of what is going on. If you are like my mom and feel that if you are going out with me you also have to accepct my kids. I would ask your kids what they think of the person. Sometimes how they feel might give you a heads up on what the person is like. The last relations ship my mom was in was not a good one and she was thinking of marrying him. I spoke up and told her why don't you live with him frist and see if this is what you relly want. She did that and found out it was not what she wanted. I pesonly did not like the man and how I felt turned out to be on the money. unforently for my mom she learned that way to late. When the man learned he could not have after she moved out he took thing into his own hands. I Would take things slow and listen to your kids. you know start out as just friends. listen to what your kids think of the pearson and listen to your gut as well when you meet someone new. Good Luck. I am sure things will work out for you.