Need Your Help and Advise of Getting past a Death

Updated on May 03, 2011
S.T. asks from Kansas City, KS
12 answers

I lost my dad almost 11 yrs. ago I was only 21 and I'm the baby of the family. Every since I lost my dad I'm always thinking of the worst of everything. I have been married for 9 yrs, I have two wonderful kids. But most of the time I'm miserable I stress over everything, I worry about the what ifs, I have a panic attack at every funeral I go to. I need help of getting over this and past the loss of my dad. I'll never forget him and both of my kids know about him and talk about him as if they had met him so I'm not worried about my memories going away I just want to be my happy go lucky self again. Thank you!

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answers from St. Louis on

please seek counseling. If you are unable to afford could also contact the Compassionate Friends organization. They were extremely helpful when our daughter died.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Bless your heart. I lost my mama 9 yrs ago and my heart is still broken. I could of written your post! Especially when things are going smooth I get awful thoughts of my whole world falling apart Like when she died. I hate it too. Then I promptly tell myself to clear my thoughts and move on. The key for me was talking about it. I didn't for so long and just buried it. My moms close sister passed 2 yrs ago of brain cancer and it was like reliving it all over. I was a mess. That's when I decided to put it all out on the table. My advice, talk about it until u can't n e more. Either a professional or a friend. I have nad days, we all do but life goes on. You go with it or u don't. You will alway luv him and never forget. But look at what is in front of u and live everyday to the fullest!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I agree with the counseling recommendation. I can't imagine how much sadness you've gone through, but you know that letting it get in the way of your life now isn't healthy, so you're doing the right thing by looking to help yourself. And don't be upset with yourself for wanting to get over it - getting over the pain that affects your life in a negative way does NOT mean you're forgetting your dad. It just means that you want to carry the loss with you in a HEALTHY way. I wish you the best!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

it takes time, and never goes away exactly. I was 21 when my Dad passed, and in came depression, panic, all sorts of crazy emotions. Its been 15 years, if I think of what he went through while dying, I still cry. Ive described it a couple times to friends and broken right down, out of nowhere, when I thought I was "over his death". Ive only attended one funeral since, my estranged 1st husband & it really messed me up. Now I avoid funerals, I limit what sadness comes to me as much as possible & concentrate on the good not the bad. I read somewhere that time doesnt heal, its living your life with the passage of time that does? kind of makes sense.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Did you ever seek out therapy? If not, get some. It will really help. And if you did get some therapy and are not being treated now, you need to go back. It will help so much. And if you can't afford it, there are plenty of bereavement groups, etc who will help you out on a sliding scale.

I lost my dad at 16. I feel your pain.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Biloxi on

Hi S.,

I lost my Mom when I was 13. (over 30 year ago) And while I miss her and many times wish she could "see this" or "do that" with me, her being gone has not affected my every day life in a very long time.

It is hard loosing a parent, no matter what our ages, BUT if the loss of your Father is affecting for your every day happiness then you really should try speaking to a grief counselor or therapist. Sometimes we get "stuck" in one of the stages of grief and need help getting to the next stage.

I am sure your Father would not want you to still be grieving - he would want you to celebrate life and be the happy go lucky self that he loved and raised.

Good Luck and God Bless

1 mom found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

S., I just recently learned that losing a loved one is a very sad and painful experience and what happens after that in our hearts is a process, a hard process. Some people is stronger (or appear to be) than others and they are able to cope with it in different ways. In your case, it would be very helpful you get help in some way and accept help from those who wants to help you. It has been long time since your dad passed away and you need peace. When we feel that pain is so hard to see around us and nothing seems to comfort us, however your comfort and support are exactly on your family: your husband and kids. On another hand, you have not to attend to every funeral there is around, that will help, avoid them for a while. Just send a nice card whenever is possible to offer your sympathy.
I think that when we lose somebody we love very much, very deeply, we should cry and grieve, I don't think is healthy to hide those feelings, we have to live our pain and sometimes when we don't do that the pain is always there almost forever. We have to let the process flow and goes smoothly, take one day at a time, but at the same time we have to be strong and live our lives especially when there are kids......time is precious and we have to enjoy them.
My parents lived overseas. My dad passed away 4 years ago, and my mom passed away after being very ill just on last December. I got a ticket before she passed away thinking I would see her, my heart told me that could be the last time for that......but she died 3 days before I got there. She asked for me, I am also the youngest in my family, and I was not there....I am still in that painful process, some days are better than others but my kids keep me with my chin high..Life continues.....and nothing nor the world will stop because of my pain. I pray a lot and I talk to her every day, I cry until I feel better and that helps a lot.
Look for help and get counseling if you feel you cannot cope with this by yourself. It is nothing wrong with it. Ask for help.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on


The best way to honor your father's memory is to ask yourself:

What would your father want for you? Death is just as much a part of life as birth. Your father's memory will go on in you, your children and their children. Please don't let your children remember you as a person always in misery over things in which you have no control.


God's unseen presence comforts me,
I know He's always near,
And when life's storms besiege my soul,
He says, "My child don't fear" ___ D De Haan

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

Counseling or therapy...I don't really know the difference. I had these feelings for the past few years, but didn't know why. I went into therapy and was finally feeling better!!! But then my mom, who I was very close to, passed away a few months ago and I am right back to being anxious, worried all the time, afraid of dying, etc. I am still in therapy and it is getting better little by little, but I still have my setbacks. I really think therapy, and what they have to offer you as things to incorporate into your life, will make a world of difference. I cannot imagine that place I would be in right now if I did not make that first step. You can do it.

BTW, do NOT think that if you go to a therapist/counselor and she/he does not seem like a right fit, you cannot change. Try new ones until the right one comes along. It seems like a battle, but once you find the one, you will know it and everything else will fall into place.

Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dover on

Yes, like the other Mama's have said, try some counseling if you haven't already. Of course mourning & missing someone will never totally leave, but it shouldn't forever affect your daily life which is sounds like it is.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Sounds like you have yet to really grieve for your dad. Your still on the "not accepting" phase. Once you push through the pain and loss you began to realize that death happens to us all and their is nothing you can do about it but for to live your life to the fullest. Holding back and trying to prevent it is not accepting at all. I really suggest that you find someone outside of your family and friends to share you pain with. Just having someone listen will help alot. I talked to someone twice a month for a year after my mom passed. That person really didn't offer me any advice or even help my pain. But they were willing to let me hurt and I needed that. I can't tell you enough just how much it helped me. Friends and family don't like to see or hear pain from someone they love and that's normal. Relationships can become fragmented because of unresolved grief. For yourself and for your family I recommend talking to someone. I used someone in Stephen Ministries through my local church : If not interested that is tied into a church I'd find a therapist that is local and maybe covered by your insurance.
Best Regards,

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

I'm wondering if you've really allowed yourself to experience his loss. Grief is like that--it might be a day later, a year later or a decade later, but the grief cycle WILL & must be completed. It's not uncommon for people to grieve a loss decades after it happens. Maybe you were at an extremely busy time of your life when the death occurred? "Keeping busy" and "focusing on something else" only prolongs the grieving process. Check out these stages of grief and see if you can pinpoint where you feel stuck:

The 7 Steps of Grief:
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved O.. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost O., and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

As you start to adjust to life without your dear O., your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved O.. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

You can find grief support meetings by calling your local hospice, funeral director or cemetery.

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