Need Your Advice About the Biggest Mistake of Our Lives

Updated on May 09, 2012
M.G. asks from Flower Mound, TX
45 answers

Hi Moms,

My husband and I made the biggest mistake of our lives and now we are desperately trying to correct it. 7 months ago, we moved from the most wonderful, family oriented suburb of Dallas (with excellent schools) to Henderson, NV, which is the opposite of where we came from. We didn't know how different it is here, not to mention the schools are not good (despite the fact that we did our homework and researched schools, and the elementary school we are zoned for scored a 10 on and people also told us our local school was good - but it is not). It's more than the schools not being so good - it is everything - the overall quality of life - lack of a family community feeling.

We were so excited about my husband's new job b/c it was a big step up in pay and responsibility, but shortly after moving here we realized what a huge mistake we made. We want to move back to the same town in Dallas and have our children go to the same excellent elementary school. We miss Texas so much and we are so sad. A few months ago, my husband asked his boss if he could work from home in TX and his boss unfortunately said no (which was very frustrating b/c my husband's job is a perfect job to work from home b/c it is a very independent job that only requires his laptop, and he can do his work from anywhere). Every day, we look for jobs in Dallas. He has had a few bites (and even one phone interview), but unfortunately nothing has worked out so far (and of course we continue to look for jobs in Dallas every day).

Here is my question (and purpose for this post): we know this is risky, but we are considering selling our house here in Henderson and moving back to dallas without my husband telling his boss. My husband would fly to Dallas to be with our kids and I every weekend. My husband isn't thrilled about it due to the cost of airfare every weekend (but we would fit that into our budget as a temporary cost until he finds a new job in Dallas), and the constant flying back and fourth every weekend. His biggest fear is that his boss will somehow eventually find out that we moved and then will quickly figure out that my husband is trying to find a new job in Dallas and that it's just a matter of time until my husband quits, leaving his boss hanging. My husband fears that if his boss finds out, he will immediately start looking to replace my husband, and then my husband will end up unemployed.

Aain, we know this is risky, but we very much want our children to start next school year at their old school in Texas. I was brainstorming on how his boss could find out that we moved back to TX, and two things came to mind, but I really don't think he will find out. The two things are: 1) my husband would have to tell H.R. that he has a new address - but no he wouldn't b/c the post office forwards mail for an entire year, so we would be safe for a whole year. 2) H.R. might find out or realize (via our insurance) that the kids and I are seeing doctors in Texas. Do you think they would find that out? And, even if H.R. found out, do you really think they would call my husband's boss and say, "Just want to let you know that Steve's family saw doctors in Texas." Would that really happen? No one would have any reason to be suspicious, and I really don't think H.R. would realize we see doctors in TX.

Please tell me if you think they would find out about our texas doctors and for some strange reason tell my husband's boss. Also, please tell me what you think about us considering doing this. Is it just too risky, or can anyone understand our desperate desire to get back to TX and not want to wait for possibly a year or longer until he finds a new job? I am looking for your support but also your honesty, so if you don't agree with us or support us, I understand, and I am also hoping that some of you have been through this same situation (or know someone who has) and would LOVE to hear any success stories about anyone who has done this and gotten away with it (and for how long they got away with it). This is the worst time of our lives, knowing that we took our wonderful life away from our children/our family and we just want to fix it ASAP.

I know a lot of you (or even all of you) will probably tell us to suck it up and be patient, and I have heard that before and I understand that point of view and I know deep down that is the right thing to do. However, we are miserable, and we don't want to spend the next year or more in misery, so if anyone has any other advice/suggestions/success stories other than "suck it up and be patient and deal with it and make the best of it," I would LOVE to hear from you. Thank you!

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answers from Pittsburgh on

OK--hard to get thru, but I get the gist.
No way. He can start looking for a job in TX now, keep working from NV, when he finds a job (which may require a few flights for interviews, etc.) he can give 2 weeks notice and take the new job.
Schools & finding a house should be easy since you know the area in TX, so that part should be quick ONCE he lands a job.

What you're suggesting is not cool on so many levels. I suspect that you are very unhappy in NV and are making him even consider this which is totally and completely unethical.

This is a grown man we're talking about! Who does this? As a daydream, maybe...but in reality? Nope.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Charlotte on

Don't worry about it. I had my house up for sale for 9 months way back when, and my husband was flying back and forth. I was working and no one in my office knew we were moving. I gave a decent notice as soon as my house sold, and then I joined my husband.

Just don't BUY a home in Dallas until he has a job down there. Rent instead. You do NOT want 2 houses together at the same time.

This too shall pass.


2 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I'm sorry you guys are going through this.

I was raised in the military and sometimes things sucked big time, there was no getting away from it until the next deployment, anywhere from 18 months - 3 years. So I grew up learning to "suck it up" and make the best of what it was. It's kind of the military thing, you know?

That being said, I don't think 7 months is long enough. You are miserable because you loved where you were. I don't blame you on that at all. I'd say do one of two options:

1.) Move back to Texas and deal with the possibility of a huge pay cut if hubby does lose his job.

2.) Give it 5 more months. You and the kids STAY with hubby until he gets a new job in Texas that is willing to pay to move you all back.

Just know that it will work out. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

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answers from Washington DC on

there's a saying amongst military wives that goes like this ... Bloom where you are planted.

See most of us don't get to make a whole lot of choices when it comes to where we live. We DO however have the option of making the best of the situation/place we are in until the next duty station comes along.

I can tell you this after having lived literally from coast to coast in this country. EVERY school can be a good school if YOU are involved in your children's education. What is it that you think makes the schools bad? What can you do to help change that?

As for HR I doubt that they get anything from the insurance company that isn't related to their portion of the premiums OR if there's a worker's comp claim. So while the chances of them finding out about your move from your insurance company or doctors is pretty slim.

Lets look at the cost of this idea though ... to fly back and forth every weekend you are looking at approximately $1900 a month just for the flights. Not to mention gas as well as a cab or parking at the LV airport. That's a house payment in a alot of places. And how much quality time would you really get together? He flies out at say 5pm on friday doesn't get there till 10pm ish then has to leave again around 5pm on sunday to get back to vegas and get some sleep before monday morning. You'd get ONE DAY with him.

Honestly I wouldn't do it if I were you. I'd explore my community more, try to find the things that interest me the most. When I find activities I enjoy (or that my kids enjoy) then I find people I have at least one thing in common with and go from there.

Living in a new place is the same as any other venture ... you get out of it what you put into it.

Have hubby keep looking for work back in Texas, but until a job opens up, make the best of where you are now.

Good luck.

Edited to add: I did some calculations based on what I quoted above ... it's NOT 10-12 k for the flights ... for him to come home every weekend ... it would be 22 thousand dollars a year.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

I read your post to my wife, who is a VP in HR. Here's what she said:

* her husband already told his boss he was leaving. So his boss is already looking to replace him. (while he did NOT come out and say I'm not happy, he asked if he could work from Texas).

* HR won't "know" that they have left. Insurance will not tell them where they are going to see doctor's. However, they may have to pay out of pocket expenses as the doctors in Texas are most likely NOT considered in network providers.

* If he signed a contract and they paid to move him from Texas to Nevada, he will be responsible for repaying the company any and all moving costs. They MIGHT pro-rate it for time, but our contracts are usually for 12 months if we have paid for relocation.

* If he changes banks, he will have to notify HR for direct deposit or even, if the firm is doing live checks. From an HR point of view, if his family is not happy in their new location, it's not common for a family to be separated. Again, once a family is separated, the boss is aware of it and we, in HR, already have our feelers out for a replacement.

* if this was a huge promotion and pay raise, he cannot expect the same back in Texas. I would not give his resume a second glance if he hasn't been able to handle the responsibility of the new position, as that is what it looks like from my point of view, he couldn't handle it. Especially if it has not been at least a year. I would contact his boss (yes, I can do that) and find out what his numbers were like - productivity, cost savings, etc. to see what type of change, if any he made within the company.

that's from my wife. From me? You obviously have not lived the military life. We went where we were told to. I served in Iraq and Afghanistan. it wasn't pleasant, to say the least. I hated being away from my family. However, that's what I signed up for - to defend my country.

If you move back to Texas, even the same location, things will have changed. You will have changed. Why not try to be happy where you are? I come from a long line of military so moving frequently was my life. I'm sure that if I wanted to, I could complain about every station I've been to. But I don't and I didn't. I did what I could to make it right. Misery loves company. And you aren't doing yourself any favors by not changing your attitude about it. I love what one mom said - Bloom where you are planted. Try it. You might like it. Stop whining and boo-hooing over the past.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Deception, on any level will come back to bite you in the a$$. If you truly want to move back to Dallas, then do that on the up and up.
Your scenario of 'white lies' is not a good way to live, mentally or ethically.
Keep up the job search, bite the bullet and pray. It will work out.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

I'm sorry you are not happy with the place you moved to. We've moved a lot, too and it can be hard to leave some places.

However, I hope that you can focus on your blessings that are right in front of you. You have a husband, he has a wife, you have children, a home and a job. So many many people would give anything to have a child back, or a lost loved one, or a home to live in, or a job.

Look around you, and create a blessed home for your children. To be without daddy all week, for the sake of a job, would be such a loss in their lives.

Your kids won't be in elementary school forever, so to uproot and divide the family for such a temporary thing would not last. And to base a new life on deceit would not be good.

I don't want you to "suck it up". I don't want you to "deal with it". That's what you do when you have no home and are living in a shelter, or when you spend your days waiting by a hospital bed in utter despair or when supper is just rice again. I want you to be so incredibly thankful for a family, a home, a table to gather around, children, and an income that when you look outside instead of a dreary unfamiliar landscape you see a place where your children have a secure and loving home. You didn't take a wonderful life away from your children, you changed locations, but they have their mommy and daddy and siblings. What a blessing that is. When your kids are grown, they won't say their lives were ruined by living in Nevada, they'll tell their kids about Grandma and Grandpa and making supper together and the simple things that make a family and a home. Unless all they hear from you is how their lives were ruined by moving to Nevada.

And if you think I can't relate, my dh currently works in another state because that's where the job took him, and we need that income and we need that health insurance. I stayed here with my child. Why? Because her 4 significant medical diagnoses require specialized treatment, and she is seen by 3 helpful and supportive specialists at 3 different hospitals here, all within a 15 mile radius. Dh moved us to an apartment here, and we left our nice little house behind. We can't just pick up and move and start looking for specialists again, since we are finally getting answers, and there is a hospital here that can treat her. His job, although it's a good one, is not located near a specialty hospital. Not cures, but the doctors think they can help her feel better at least, and have a better quality of life someday. She doesn't leave the house for school but attends school online. Dh is constantly looking for a job closer to us but no luck so far. It's horrible. But I don't consider myself "sucking it up" or "dealing with it". I'm trying to support my dh in his job situation, and I take care of our child and get her to appointments and research possible treatments every single hour of every single day. I need to be the best mom that I can, and do simple things with her and let her know she's loved. Some days when she's lying in bed too fatigued or in pain to get up, I lay on the bed next to her and we just play silly video games or watch funny youtube videos. Yeah, it's not much of a life, but that evening she knows that she and mom laughed together that day, and it was a good day.

The wonderful life you're looking for doesn't depend upon a location, a latitude and longitude. It happens inside wherever you're all together.

I hope I haven't offended you with this post. I hope that today you feel inspired and blessed, right where you are.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I had an aunt and uncle that moved to and lived in Henderson. They didn't like it either.

But there is more to the Las Vegas area than the Strip and Hederson. I have other friends that used to live in the suburbs of Las Vegas and they liked it. Henderson is a unique town and the people in it are . . . well . . . just different.

Before you go to all the mental anguish and pain of being separated from your husband, look at other parts of Vegas and give it a chance. A together family is very important.

If you miss your friends, make others. Go to the church of your choice in a suburb of your choice and see if you can make friends. I'm sure you can.

"If you think you can or think you can't, you're probably right." I lived in Germany for 4 years. The people that hated it stayed isolated on base and always complained that they had no friends and that there was nothing to do. Those that loved being in Germany did the opposite. They took weekend tours to all of the things there are to see in Germany. They went out of their way to get acquainted with their neighbors. Both the lovers and haters of living on base in Germany had the same opportunities. They chose to love it or hate it.

There are lots of things to see and do in Vegas and the surrounding areas.

Its your choice too.

Good luck to you and yours.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I'm a little late here but I will give you my military wife perspective. We often are sent to places we wouldn't choose and some places have awful schools. Some are so expensive we can barely afford to live there, others offer virtually nothing for our family because we are in the middle of nowhere. Each place we go to I choose to be with my husband because Being together as a family is way more important than living in a place that I love. I know many wives who do not follow their husbands to the new duty station and make him travel back to visit on weekends. It's very hard on these men and they are not very happy in the long run. It could be a long time before he finds a job. Stick together and face the challenges as a family. You know what else? I have grown to appreciate and even love every single crappy place I have lived. But it takes time. And an open attitude. In fact the place we are now I thought this will be the first place I'm never going to like because it is just SO BAD! We are getting ready to leave and I'm sad. It's not my favorite place but there are some things and some people I will miss forever. And I actually wouldn't mind staying a bit longer. But when I moved here I was seriously depressed about it.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Your husband already asked to work from home in Texas. I guarantee you, his boss already knows where your husband wants to be. I would not be surprised, if he is already looking for your husband's replacement. Your idea is a bit of a fantasy. It will not work out as well as you plan it in your head. It will be very hard on your husband and your marriage.

I would suggest waiting it out for a while. See if your husband can land a jog here, and then all move together. If you DO decide to move back while your husband is there, don't even think about buying a home. You don't want to saddle yourself with two mortgages.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

My husband is in a different industry. It is not unusual at all for families to live in separate states and "visit" one another. So my response may be a bit naive sounding to some.

I can understand not making some big announcement, but I don't understand the big deal if the boss finds out. As long as it doesn't adversely affect your hubby's job performance. You can give no explanation. You can be honest, the family is unhappy and wants to be closer to home. You can lie...we are going through a trial separation.

The bigger issue, is can your family really handle being apart and visitations on weekends. I am not just talking about the financial tole...and it will add up. What about emotional? Are you ok with being a single parent. Are your kids going to adjust to life without Daddy (any way you say it or slice it, that's what it is). Is your husband going to be able to handle those stresses that all this will entail....the stress of being away from family, stresses of traveling, stress over losing his job and the added stress of looking for a job. From my perspective, it seems like a lot to put ALL of you through. What happens if three years from now he still hasn't found anything in DFW?

I know if I were in your shoes, I'd probably suck it up. Your emotional and homesick...understandably so. Moving half your family will solve some of your problems, but will create much more difficult problems. Dallas isn't going any where. Keep hunting and you are bound to find a great opportunity and make the move as one family unit.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

Oh, I'm so sorry. I wish I could offer some grand words of wisdom on how to handle HR & your husband's job, but I'm can't. I would only suggest that no matter what you decide that you be 100% honest.

I can say that I live in LV and love it. No, we don't gamble, we don't drink and we never go to the strip. But we are raising our 4 sons here and have found tons and tons of wonderful friends, neighbors and schools. In fact, I have become friends with so many of the teachers at the elementary school that I now count them on my closest friends list. It's no big deal for my sons to see their teachers (Kinder, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, & 5th grades) at our house almost every week.

I think that wherever you live, you will come across good and bad. Do I like that my boys see billboards of half-naked ladies? Not at all. Especially from a girl who was born & raised in Alaska where billboards are against the law. But at the same time, we turn those into teaching moments. Does my 12 year old hear swearing at middle school? Yep. Every day. But that would happen wherever he goes.

My own personal suggestion would be to try to make the best of your life here. Probably not what you wanted to hear. If you're gung-ho on moving back to Texas, I would have the hubby keep looking for a job, but I would never separate the family without something that was out of my hands (like a military deployment).

Have you had any luck making friends? Do you have a church that you attend? What about the PTA? Do you volunteer at the kids school? What about neighbors? Do you see any kids playing in the neighborhood? Have you tried to enroll you kids (or you) in any classes at the Rec Centers? I've done that before and made some wonderful friends doing that. (PS - I'm a pretty shy person when I first meet people too.)

We moved here in 2001 and it took us several years to develop our base of friends. However, it should be noted that during those 'several years', we weren't really trying very hard to make those friends. Once we started making an effort, we quickly found many good people to befriend.

One more thing about the school.....

When I have had problems with schools/teachers, I have found that volunteering at the school (helping in your child's class, volunteering in the office, etc.) makes a TREMENDOUS difference. The teachers badly need help and your presence (even if you're just making copies) will not go unnoticed. They are grateful and it shows in their actions and attitudes. I would suggest that you get in that classroom. I go once a week. It changes everything.

If there's ever anything I can do, please don't hesitate to ask. I'd be happy to meet you at a park for a play date. Depending on your part of Henderson, I might even be able to introduce you to some good people.

Best of luck to you and your family. No matter what happens, I hope you guys are healthy & happy.

PS - I used to be an office manager for a law office in Henderson. I HAVE had the insurance company contact the office when an employee was seeing doctors in a different state.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

It really is none of his employers business where yall live as long as he is reporting for work in NV when he is supposed to . I have a few friends whose husbands work in another state than they live in and just commute during the week.

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answers from Washington DC on

ETA: regarding insurance...if you are "out of network" which means NOT IN NEVADA - you will have to pay the fees...check with your insurance provider about what they consider to be "in network" and "out of network".

As your husband's job - I forgot to mention - if his employment is AT WILL and he is NOT union - then his boss can fire him for ANY REASON or no reason at all...if he is being under-handed about work - then yeah - if he puts his resume on a job board and his company's recruiters find it - they could "flag" your husband...


your post is hard to read!! paragraphs are your friends!!!

1. DO NOT LIE. It WILL catch up with you and could jeopardize your whole family.

2. I'm sorry you hate Henderson. We sometimes wish for something we don't have...the grass is always greener, etc.

3. Attitude is EVERYTHING!! I can tell you that the more you say you hate it there - it will pass on to your children and EVERYBODY around you. They will pick up that vibe and no one will want to be around you. I can tell you as a military brat - there will be things to hate and love about your new have chosen to hate everything about it. I guarantee you that when you move back to Texas, you will find the same problems...yes, even though you've already lived there - you will find fault with it.

If your husband wants to commute - fine. He can get an apartment there in Henderson and come back to Texas, every other weekend.

As a recruiter - I can tell you that if a company just paid to move you from one location to another - you will have to pay them back the costs of moving you. Can you afford that? Did you read the fine print of his new contract? I would also be VERY hesitant to hire your husband after a new promotion and he wants to back out...he can tell me until he's blue in the face that he doesn't like the location....but as a recruiter? I will tell you my first thought is - "he can't handle the responsibility" so why even waste my time putting him forward?

You have stated you don't want to hear suck it up. I'm not going to tell you to suck it up. I am going to tell you to that YOU need to change your attitude. It's that simple.

You want to find things to hate about it - fine. That is YOUR burden and YOUR responsibility. If you would pull your head out of the clouds and look around you - you will see some good in Henderson. You want to pass this misery around? go for it. you will be instilling negativity in your children as well. The GRASS IS NOT ALWAYS GREENER!!! Water the grass you have now and see what sprouts - you might just be surprised...

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

7 months is not nearly enough time to make this big of an adjustment.

People who move, not job related, I always want to ask - what are you running from? Your happiness is what you make it. If you are miserable, change that from within - find the good in where you are living. I would love a year or two in that part of the country to explore all the national parks. If those don't float your boat, then find something else that does.

so the schools "suck". That's an excuse to spend more time with your kids doing enrichment and instruction outside of school.
so, there's no "family" things. many national parks are within a 3 hour drive? are there truly no libraries? I know there are museums, etc. in the vegas area.
there are churches in the vegas area too - find one that fits you.

I may sound harsh...we lived in 6 cities in 4 states from kindergarten to high school, so I know how hard it is to move across country. two of those cities are not cities I would ever consider living in again. did we thrive as a family and as children - YES. do I have fond memories of each of the six cities, even the ones I'd never go to again? - YES! because my parents had the attitude I described above. they found ways to make each place work and we took something positive from each place.

You are experiencing culture shock. I've spent time in both places - it is like moving to a foreign country to either place from most other places in the US.

Stay together as a family. think about the message you are sending your children if you up and move (white lies are ok, we aren't tough enough to stick it out, we aren't flexible enough to even think about living in a different culture, we don't support each other when the going gets tough, etc.) Support your husband in this step up (which clearly pays well if you can afford $10k in airfare per year). Set a time far enough out at which point you will revisit where you are going as a family. and by far enough out, I'm talking a year or more from now. My mom used to say it took a minimum of 3 years to really begin to grow roots in an area.

Live honestly. make choices that support your values. living white lies are neither of these. and I think you grossly underestimate the strain of living apart.

good luck.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I feel your pain! We lived in Highland Village TX and we LOVED it there. We had to move back to CA (where we are from) because my husbands sister passed away and he wanted to be close to his parents. Here we are 4 years later and we wish we would have never moved. We live in Orange County so it is nice and our kids go to a decent school but it will never be as good as the school they attended in TX. Our home will never be as big as it was in TX but the one thing that will never change is that my husband and I are providing our kids with a happy and stable home. If your husand is gone all week in NV and only sees the kids on the weekends, that will have a huge impact on their lives. While it may be only until he finds a new job, in this economy it may be a long time. If you can afford to have him fly every weekend, perhaps you can enroll your kids in private school in NV?
We decided that although it would make us happier to be back in TX, it is not good for our kids to uproot them again.
If you do decide to move to TX and have your husband commute back and forth, I don't feel being dishonest to his boss is the right path to take.
I wish you the best of luck wherever you choose to go.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from San Diego on

You are miserable - life is too short to live a miserable existence. If you have figured out how to do this monetarily, then I think you're fine to do it. (1) HR is not allowed to talk to your husband's boss about your personal medical situation. (2) if the boss did ever find out that you and the kids moved away, your husband can simply say, "my wife and kids were miserable/unhappy here, but I am very happy with my job and we've figured out a practical, economical way for us to both have what we want." No need for him to lie and say you're having marital problems and no need for him to give your boss a bunch of other information either. Simple & to the point, but with language that may assuage the boss' potential fears and make him feel safe that your husband is happy in his job and has found a way for everyone to be happy and have it work.

Best of luck to you & your family!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Hartford on

Here's the rub. You're adults. You get to do whatever you want to do. You don't need the boss' permission to sell the house and move back to Dallas and have your husband do a long commute. You might want to consider having him commute home less often than every single weekend and drop it to every other weekend or even once a month until your husband finds a new job in Dallas.

If the boss "finds out" so what? No need to go with some elaborate lie.

"My family was missing Dallas and the support of friends and family so we decided to move them back there while I commute."

It's easy, it's truthful, and it's completely leaving out the part about looking for other work.

It's either that or you sell the house you're currently in, have your husband quit the job he has now and simply move back to Dallas and into an apartment with a month to month lease until your husband finds a full time job. Both of you can work part time hours or you can try to find work until he finds a full time job. You have a lot of options here.

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answers from Las Vegas on

Sorry, I didn't see this when it was first posted. To answer your question, No, I do not think you should build your life around a lie. It will all come back to bite you eventually.

I have some suggestions, however, and a few comments.

First, I live in Henderson, NV and have for many years. I am sorry you are having such a bad time here, but I'm thinking that you're feeling so miserable and so homesick that you are blinded to all of the wonderful and good things about our city.

We are a city of more than 270,000 people, and contrary to the derogatory remarks about Henderson and its citizens by two other posters, we are consistently recognized as one of the best places to live.

I always say there is more to do here than there is time to do it, and it's true. Have you been to any of the kid-gyms or play places, any of our nationally recognized parks or walking trails? How about the numerous recreation centers, libraries, classes, outdoor festivals, the music or movies at the district or town square (a great place to meet other families with young children)? Have you joined any of the many sports leagues, book clubs, churches, synagogues, temples? Have you visited Lake Mead, the Hoover Dam, gone climbing in Red Rock, or played in the snow on Mt. Charleston? If you do any of these, you'll see many of the rest of us families doing the same!

Even though it's a big population-wise, Henderson has a small town feel, especially once you get to know some more people and make a circle of friends. Most of my daily travels are within a 3 mile radius! School, grocery, Target, library, sports practices, games, etc.

It take some time (more than the 7 months you've been here) to develop the deep and lasting kinds of friendships you had back in TX. I understand you're feeling lonely and sad, but I think that you're so wrapped up in those feelings, you are failing to see the beauty and potential of where you are now and missing out on all of the opportunities that are right before you.

As far as schools go, my youngest is in one of the best elementary schools in Henderson also, and we are quite pleased. If you are not happy with your school, there is Foothill Montessori, Henderson International School, Southern Highlands Prep (all private), and also several very good private schools in LV, if you don't mind traveling. There are also Charter schools: Coral Academy of Science in Henderson (usually a waiting list with lottery to get in), Somerset Academy in LV, and Pinecrest Academy in Henderson. The latter two are new, and you can probably still get in without being in the lottery. My friend's child attends Somerset, and she, a former teacher, raves about the school.

I can tell you that our three oldest were educated in the public school system here in Henderson. The eldest graduated with honors from The Ohio State University last year. Our 21 year-old daughter is a junior at UNLV, and our 18 year-old is going to UN in Reno in the fall. All doing quite well in life and in school.

I know your heart is in TX, but for the time being, while you have to be here, just give it some time, reach out, get involved while you work on a realistic and honest plan to get back to TX.

If I can be of any help to you while you are here, please send me PM.

Wishing you and your family the best,

J. F.

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answers from Las Vegas on

You didn't make a mistake. You took thought and consideration into something that just didn't work. Look at this as more of a lesson than a mistake.

We moved from Vegas to Mesa AZ and at first we loved it, but grew to hate it. I don't believe there was anything wrong with Mesa, but we missed our home town. So I understand and yes we had our personal views about the people there.

So it is really none of your husbands employer's business where you and the kids live. If you want to return home, do so. You don't have to tell him. As long as your husband is being honest about his work, then no need to worry. Your husband doesn't have to tell HR about his new address, he is staying in Southern Nevada right? He can give them a rental address, what is wrong with that?

As well, HR cannot tell his employer what doctors you are seeing. There are strict HIPAA rules and all insurance companies and employers should all be very well versed on that. I print AP checks, that's all, just print. I don't do anything with the information on the check, I hand them to another person who is waiting for them to come off the printer. I had to take HIPAA courses and signed that I understood the rules & reg of HIPAA, which basically means for NO reason can I share the information about a person that I may or may not know.

My husband worked out of town for some time and he didn't come home that often. So maybe you might consider visits every other week to help with him getting some physical rest.

Home sales are not wonderful here, but worth the try. If this is something you are going to move forward with PM me and I will pass on the name and number of someone who rents rooms in a home in a (I believe) nice area, if he has a room available. It may not be Henderson, but it will likely be in the SW or SE Vegas areas not far from Henderson. Hopefully that will help and he will have a local address without a unit number.

By the way in my line of work, I locate people for collection purposes. I can tell when someone has provided a postal box even if no unit number is provided. I send mail out "return service requested" and the post office will not forward this mail, rather they will return it to me and provide the new address on a sticker. So what is wrong with two addresses. One for him and one for you. When you complete the USPS post office mail forward, you will check off individuals, rather than the Smith family. My husband often stayed in extended stays so he didn't have a mailing address.

***You don't owe an explanation to the boss. He is the boss at work and not your personal business. He just has to say, "They like TX better", next subject. People have to learn to not allow anyone into their personal business and then people stop approaching them with all the questions.

Get a credit card that racks up airfare mileage.

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answers from Pittsburgh on

Sorry but I think this is a bad idea and that you are talking yourselves into it out of desperation. Will your husband ever want to include his current company on his resume?? If so he has to worry what they will say about him if and when they are called for reference. Does he want to be known as a deceitful employee? He will be if he pulls this stunt. Give it a little time-there are supposedly plenty of jobs in TX.

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answers from Kansas City on

i get it. and i have zero experience and no good advice, other than pray and stick together as a family. i feel for you.

also, i really would advise you, WHILE you are working your butts off to get out of this situation - don't use the word miserable. yes, i'll say it - DO make the best of it. for your kids' sake. don't let them see your "misery". our family is our joy in life, right? as long as you have them it can't be TOO bad. hang in there. don't make it worse on THEM than it has to be - kids have a way of seeing the best of everything. i bet they're not near as "miserable" as you are.

you'll get through this and be just fine! it isn't the end of the world though it feels like it now. if you're not happy, change it. and that's what you're doing. so you know you're doing what you can and that's all you CAN do. it'll be okay. in a few years this will be one of those crazy family stories.

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answers from Chicago on

Basically, there's no rule that exists that dictates where you live.
So even if HR finds out, that's a personal matter between you and DH and they have no say (who's to say that you and the kids didn't move out because you and DH were having trouble?). There's nothing they can do about it. And no, they would have no knowledge of where you're going to doctors. That's between you and the insurance company.

It's a risky move, but you should do what you need to to be happy. It sounds like you guys have talked about this at length and formed a plan. So, go for it!
(PS, DHs boss can't just replace him becuase he's looking for a new job. He'd needs grounds to let him go. That's not saying that he can't go looking for reasons to let him go. But he can't just replace him like that.)

Good luck!

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answers from Denver on

Without reading any other posts, my answer to you is just move home and have your husband commute for a while. HR should not be sharing MD info with non-HR people, so that shouldn't be an issue. I'm a firm believer in keeping things as consistent for children as possible, to give them a stable, secure, and known environment, and that allows them to spread their wings when they are ready and not fear that their foundation will be gome when they return. So with that said, getting them home and set up at the schools you want them in as soon as possible will be best for them in the long run.
Working from home and commuting to another city are 2 totally different things, and your husband is not going against what he was asked to do. He is fulfilling his obligation to his job, and people look for new jobs all the time anyway.
Good luck to you. Life is too short to live with regret as big as this. Go home to where you feel that sense of community and family. Some people search a lifetime and never find it. You did. Go back.

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answers from Los Angeles on

you're answering your own're miserable....sell the house..and move back..and have your husband go back on the weekends...he can always tell his boss he is having marital problems and you guys have separated..if it comes down to losing his job over this..seems unreasonable for his boss to make him stay in NV when he can easily work from home..are you guys on that site ? my friends joined that and soon after her husband was hired and they moved from California to New Jersey..maybe your husband can hook up a job through that site! you never know..good luck to you...remember this is your life...don't sacrifice your happiness but be smart and take care



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answers from Los Angeles on

My husband has worked out of town most of our 17 year marriage. He'd be home for a few weeks and gone for a few weeks. We have a 13 yo daughter and 16 yo son. Neither has a close relationship with him (he's tough to communicate with on a good day). He now has a one yo kid near where he works and we are getting divorced (I won't place all the blame on him but he made poor choices). Appreciate what you have, where you have it or you may end up with nothing at all. If you really value being a family stay together.

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answers from Houston on

His boss knows that he is not happy when he asked to work from Texas. It doesn't matter what you think regarding his job and his abilities to do it in Texas, the job is in Nevada.

Your husband hasn't had this job for a year. If you believe that he will find this in Texas without having the experience he won't. Sometimes we have to live with our mistakes and make the most of them. I did something similar years ago. I changed jobs because of money. I realized the first day I made a mistake but you have to live with the choices you make. If I hadn't made that mistake, I would not have gone back to college.

Take weekend trips out of Henderson. Go to LA, Sedona, Flag Staff, Phoenix, Lake Tahoe. Take advantage of where you are living.

One piece of advise, you can't go back. What I mean is, if you move back to where you lived before, it will be different. People have moved on without you, their lives have continued.

Is your husband truly miserable or are you making him miserable because you are miserable and home sick? Give the guy a break and be supportive. Give it two years, that way he builds his resume up with this job.

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answers from Dallas on

I certainly understand where you are coming from. I love to travel, but I would never live anywhere else.
Just know the separation will be very hard.
All I can do is pray for you.
Good luck and God bless,

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answers from New York on

I understand you're homesick. I've been there. It takes quite a while for a place to become home. I'm still homesick sometimes for college and where I grew up. But - practically, interviewing and commuting to Texas are going to be really hard on your husband. Why not put a 2 year timeframe on this? If 2 years from now you still hate it, it'll be easier for your husband to find a new job. He'll have experience at the higher level job etc. And in the meantime, insist that you will find the good in this. Red Rock area is beautiful out there. And there have to be nice people... A family member moved to a very rural area. It took a bit but now she likes it. There's usually SOMETHING good about every where or NO ONE would live there... LIke I said, I kind of always want to move home too but work hasnt' allowed it and so I keep kind of putting it off in my head. "We'll move in a year." Been saying that for quite a few years and now I really don't think I want to move. I've found people I like etc. Hopefully life is long. A couple of years in a place you don't like will be a learning and growing experience and a drop in the bucket.

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answers from Los Angeles on

Wow. If your husband has regular contact with his boss, it seems to me a significant amount of lying would be required to conceal the move.

If you are as miserable as you claim, I would fess up to the boss. "I am unhappy here. I am actively looking for other opportunities. If you want to keep me under your employment, the company must arrange for a remote office or cover my travel expenses." The boss can choose to accomodate your husband, or not.If he chooses not to accomodate, the boss cannot simply fire your husband because he is unhappy. If that were the case, 90% of America would be unemployed. The boss, may, however find grounds to terminate if your husband concocks an elaborate imaginary life and lies to his face everyday.

So, whether you move or stay, be honest. That way, your husband leaves his job with integrity and a good job reference.

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answers from Amarillo on

Okay, have you looked into sports for the kids to participate in? Have you gone to the Grand Canyon? Have you done the narrow gauge railroad trlip? Have you gone to Mt. Charleston? Have you gone ice skating? (I think the rink is still there.)What have you done beside complain?

Try to find the "real" people of Henderson and Las Vegas. They are the ones with the soccer teams, football teams, t-ball and such. Volunteer and get involved with something other than sitting home and complaining. Do some new decorating in the house and make it your special place with color.

As others have said, Texas will not be the same because you have grown.

This trip maybe a blessing in disguise because now you two have to lean on each other and not family. Make it an adventure and see or finding something positive each week that you can do as a unit. Save that money for flights for the time when you do move so that you can take a special trip.

Life is what you make of it. Try making some lemonade.

the other S.

PS I have been places I didn't want to be but they turned out to be the best thing for me. Learn from this experience. Make every move a chapter in a book. You get to start over and make it right.

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answers from Chicago on

Sounds like you need to make the change. Does your DH telecommute now? It will only be a matter of time before his boss finds out. While I am not sure about the "rules" he could make it very difficult on your DH in other ways etc. In the meantime, keep pounding the pavement for work and I'd look for housing in Dallas and be realistic on if you can sell your house where you are now.

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answers from Dallas on

I can perfectly understand why you desperately want to return to Dallas (or Frisco or Plano or Allen or...)!
Is it possible for you to rent something here, while he puts the house on the market in NV? As long as he's in the office Monday - Friday, where your husband and his family are the rest of the time isn't anyone's business. If his boss were to find out, well...for all his boss would know, he was separated due to private marital issues (he doesn't have to know what those marital issues are).

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answers from Cleveland on

This doesn't answer your question but I know the Vegas area a bit and can you move to Summerlin? I know people (families) who moved there from elsewhere in the country and love it... I used to long to move back to where I grew up. We almost moved to an area of the country where I thought it'd be more family friendly. All of a sudden, our neighborhood turned into that. We laugh now. It can take time which I know you don't want to hear but people are people. There are family oriented neighborhoods/towns every where in the country. I have a friend who moved suburbs in Seattle bc the one they picked wasn't family friendly. Now she loves it.

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answers from Cleveland on

I think you need to move back to where you were happy.
Your husband's boss does not have any right to know about your husband's insurance, who is covered or what doctor's you see. He has no legal reason to be privy to that info unless your husband works in HR.
As long as he is maintaining some sort of address where you are currently living, there is no lying involved. Your husband is living there, you and the kids are living elsewhere. End of story.
Be happy! Go back home! Your husband will find something eventually.

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answers from San Francisco on

I have been to Henderson so I get where you are coming from, pretty ugly and depressing :(
However, flying home every weekend will put a lot more stress on your husband, relationship and family life than you can imagine. My BIL did this for several years and it was horrible. He started drinking a lot, when he was home the wife and kids had a hard time adjusting because they basically had to change their routine for two days and then he was gone again.
Isn't it possible to look for another area nearby that is nicer and more family friendly? Even if it's a longer commute it would be less stressful than putting your husband through that grueling work schedule!

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answers from Norfolk on

Long distance relationships are tough, very stressful.
Tough on you, your husband, and the kids.
You need to keep the family together, and you need to keep a job.
Can the kids go to a private school in your new area?
Can you home school?
Keep looking for work back in Texas and move back there when you can - as a whole family - don't leave Dad in commuting limbo.
Don't pull a fast one on his employer - it'll look bad for his next employer.
You've got a goal, so put a reasonable plan together and work towards it.
Don't be jumping out of a frying pan and into a fire.

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answers from Dothan on

Where would your husband live during the week while in Nevada?

My husband and I currently live in separate places, and let me tell you, it is not something I would do again. We had many reasons - our house here did not sell, my husband's unit deploys in August... So, he moved to a new duty station and we stayed behind.

It might be better for you if he really can go home every weekend. The separation is terrible for both me and our son. Crawling into bed alone at night is the pits! My husband misses out on little day to day things for our son that otherwise, he might get to be a part of - Field Day at school, concerts at church, karate demonstrations, etc.

It took me over a year before I settled into our life here. Once we found a church and I met other moms through my son's school, things slowly began to improve. I asked a neighbor if she would like to walk with me in the mornings and she has since become one of my closest friends here.

I am so sorry you feel you made a mistake but I can't see that lying about it will help at all.

Good luck to you and your husband as you struggle to make a decision.

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answers from Los Angeles on

You have to do what you have to do. The only thing that jumps out to me is that it sounds like your husband is really not wanting to be put in the awkward position of flying back to Dallas every weekend- and not even not being able to talk about it "ok Boss I gotta head to the airport OOPs I mean home for dinner". That's kind of hard, since he is the one who still has to interact with the boss and people in Henderson. It kind of puts all the pressure on him. It really would affect him the most- he'd still be stuck in Henderson, missing his family, nonstop travelling, trying to keep it all from the boss AND job hunting and stressed. Stressed with no support except two days a week when he comes home for his brief interludes with his famiily. Not that it wouldn't be hard on you and the kids too, but I do think he bears the brunt of the decision so to try keep keep that in mind.

Sounds like you guys are really thinking this through. I have faith that you will come to decision that works for your family, and I know the right job will come through for your husband at the right time.



answers from Oklahoma City on

Geez, he can always tell the boss you wanted to go home and you are separated. The boss does not have to know more than that. Then they get the idea of how serious this location is to you and they may reconsider the work from home.

But seriously, you have been there less than a year. I think if you try looking in a different area of town for housing, a better school maybe even a private school, try making some friends so you can adjust better. Everyone goes through this adjustment. I can't believe you guys would go through all this just to get back to Dallas.

I think you need to put your house on the market right now. If you wait it will not sell. Most houses sell in May and June since it is the end of the school sememster. If you wait it may be a year before it will sell.

I would also consider letting the bank just take the house if you move back. That way you can walk away and not have to do anything about the house.


answers from Lakeland on

I am sorry you are so unhappy. I would not lie about where you live, his company could have strict rules regarding telecommuting and they will figure it out eventually. You would have to have your address for paystubs, etc.

I would stick it out for now. List your current home and rent if it sells fast then it will be easier to leave later on. I would also check out other surrounding areas, maybe there is somewhere close that you will like just as much as TX.



answers from St. Louis on

If this is the route you choose to take, I wouldn't worry about HR telling hubby's boss you moved. I know a few people that live in one state while their spouse/children live in another and they just come home on the weekends. It isn't unheard of so, even if he did get wind that you and the kids moved back to Texas he can't get fired for working in NV and flying home on weekend to Texas. My bigger concerns would be how long term this could be. How long will it take to find a job in Texas, how long will it take to sell the house in NV, where will you live when you get to Texas when you are still paying for a house in NV? Can you afford two mortgages until the one in NV sells on top of a plane ticket every weekend. Those would be my bigger concerns. Is there family in TX that you can live with until the house in NV sells?



answers from New York on

As far as the doctors in TX, you should have absolutely nothing to worry about. If someone in HR did say something they would be breaking HIPPA confidentiality and would be facing fines, penalties and a law suit. Also the chances of that happening are very slim.

IMO you and the kids moving back to TX is just too risky. It's not easy to sell a house, and there is a huge chance his boss will find out the house is on the market. The job market is not good and it could take hubby a long time to find a position.

A few things you may want to consider....
Since it's the summer and you don't have to worry about school, stick it out for 2 months and then re-evalate your situation. You and the kids could go back to TX for a few weeks to visit family, which is a temp fix.

Good luck to you.



answers from Seattle on

#1 re: insurance...probably best to call your insurance directly and make sure that you are covered for regular doctor visits - anywhere - but mainly including Texas. Find out what THEY require for your family to see doctors anywhere. Many insurance companies are locally based and required that you see doctors within a certain radius.

#2 - your husband's boss cannot dictate where the dependents live...what about a compromise at first? You and kids move back, your husband does not commute every weekend, but every other weekend for very long weekends. Seeing that he can work from his laptop, he could probably manage working some days from Texas.

#3 - once your husband has a good track record of being productive back in Texas, he could confidently approach his boss again within the year and show him how well it is working. Then perhaps he could reverse this schedule and he's back home with you, his loved ones, most of the days and he commutes back to NV for short stints.

I think it is very fair to say you moved with excitement and hope for a new and improved life and it did not turn out at all as you both expected. This is a fair and accurate statement. This is a free industry and free country and you have the right to live anywhere. As long as your husband continues to complete his tasks or assignments or work requirements.

I think it is unwise to live under the radar with your husband's company for too long. I think it would take a toll on your husband and your boss will ask what's up, and the truth will come out. And your boss will say, well I said no, and then it's sort of downhill from there. If you as a couple decide what is best for your family and pursue your options based on what is the most important, then only good will come of this situation - eventually. It will be hard to juggle all the changes again, alone, without your husband by your side. But you can find relief in the fact that it is only temporary and that you'll all be better off in the long run.

Also, it seems rather controlling of a boss to outright say no to a move back especially when your husband's work is so commutable. Your husband needs to be very clear on what his local requirements are before embarking on this big of a change.




answers from Kansas City on

Life is too short to be unhappy! If you want to move to TX, then go! If your happiness is most important (and that is totally okay), then you will do fine with a temporary separation. Money isn't everything--just keep that in mind when your husband is looking for a job. Maybe he'll take a lesser paying job to be home in TX. Good Luck! I've never worked HR, but I don't think they know where your kids are going to the doctor. And, I think there are laws against them telling the boss (HIPPA?).

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