Need Uplifting Advise from Single Mom's for Holidays

J., I too am a single mom & my daughter is with her dad tonight too. It is his turn to have her on Halloween. I'm not sure what your arrangement is but we switch off every year. If he gets her Thanksgiving then I get her Christmas & every other year for Easter & so on. This is part of divorced life. What does your custody arrangement say? Was this his year to have her? I am currently going to counseling to learn how to deal with my very difficult ex. What my counselor told me was that I need to forgive him. Not because he is worthy of forgiveness, but because I am worthy to be free of the pain he has caused me. A light when on the day that I was given that advice. I now try to respond instead of reacting to his very antagonistic statements. I suggest the book "Boundaries", you can get it on Amazon or just about any bookstore. It has helped me tremendously with dealing with him. Hang in there. As far as your daughter being smitten with the new girlfriend, just remember this, YOU are her mother, and YOU are the one that is there for her when she is sick, sad, & bruised. There is a special bond between a little girl & her mother like no other. Make sure you do special things together just the 2 of you & tell her how much you enjoy being her Mommy & watch her eyes light up. Be secure in your relationship with her & don't let her know that it bothers you regarding the girlfriend. I have come to the conclusion that there won't be many easy times when it comes to dealing with my ex. But I always tell myself that I can do it for my daughters sake because I love her so much. Try to remember that the next time he acts up.

I will pray for peace for you regarding this situation.

God Bless & good luck!

Yes J. its difficult, but remember your being groomed for a greater jorney with your little one. You are gaining courage and insight into this lesson called parenting. I dont know if you have a visitation order in place but things became alot better for ME once that was put in place. It was alot of back of forth (7mths) in court but I got through it. He now has every other Sat and Fathers Day. If I need (and only need) to say something I say it by email only.This keeps ME safe. You have to keep YOU safe! Stick to your guns and try not to show your emotions when dealing with him. I think of our conversations as a business, so I won't turn into some craz momma tiger :0) I try very hard to hide it from my daughter (You know they read our faces) but I must admit during the court days I feel apart, with the why me's! I thought it would never end, but I try to be encourageing with my daughter and the activities she does with him. A lot of "Oh, thats nice!" when she starts to tell me about their day. (Im thankful SHE WANTS TO TELL ME ME ME!) Try to get a schedule because if you dont things are all over the place. Thats first. After my daughter left for her 6 hour visit I would go to the movies, clean the house, anything to keep my brain busy. Think about some things (they can be small) you want to do when shes out of the house. Now I have gotten better. My daughter is very eager to tell me about her day when she returns and I find confort in it now. I even get her a big cup of Juice and I get coffee and turn it into a lunch session. She likes that! You could even do your daughters hair while she talks to you, so she cant see your face :0) It sounds like you and your daughter are close if she is telling you about the girlfriend. The more informed you are about whats going, the better for you. Trust me your daughter knows who mommy is and wants to just run home and share what ever she has went through with her BEST FRIEND, MOMMY! Keep your head up...there will be sunshine soon..and your so not alone :0)IT DOES GET BETTER and then you will be off to your next journey in parenting.

Hi J.,
I am not single but wanted to offer my support to you anyway. You sounded so sad. It must have been so hard not to see your daughter on Halloween. I wish your ex was smart enough to realize that it would have been a good idea not only for you but for your daughter as well, to spend at least a little time with you. The immaturity of some aduts just kills me. Not only didn't you see her but you know she was with his girlfriend as well....who is not her mother. While you cannot help this, it still hurts. I hope you were able to find something for yourself to do to get through the day. Just remember that your daughter loves you and you will ALWAYS be her mom. Let her see you happy. Try not to badmouth your ex or his girlfriend as that will only confuse your daughter. Just tell her you missed her and that you hope she had a great day. Kids are kids and they need to stay that way....
Again, my thoughts are with you in this difficult time. Stay tough and true to yourself and your daughter and things will be ok...

I just want to send a cyber ((((HUG))). My mom was a single mother and my brother had all kinds of health and mental issues that she had to cope with on top of working and taking care of our home. She did an amazing job keeping a roof over our heads and trying to maintain some stability in a rough situation. I don't know how she did it! I have a HUGE amount of respect for single mothers. You travel such a rough path and yet you do it all with dignity and grace! Don't worry, your little girl will not forget all that you have done for her. Always take the high road and you will teach her a lot about how to interact with others! Single moms are amazing women!!

Hi J.,

I know it's hard. Been down that road myself. Hang in there. It will get better. One word of advise I can offer is to rotate holidays. This year he has Halloween, next year you. I know it's difficult, but at least your daughter will get the best of both worlds. As for the new girlfriend, be happy your daughter is smitten with her. That means the "other woman" is not jealous of your daughter and will take good care of her. I know it hurts, but you need to remember that your daughter will always love you best!! You are the Mom, and you will be your daughter's confidant. She may be young now, but that visiting her Dad all the time is going to stop as she gets older. Believe me I've been doing it. As my son entered his teen years, he didn't want to see his Dad that often. He and I have a very close relationship. You'll see, it's difficult now but it will get easier. Try to keep yourself busy. Do something for yourself while your daughter is gone. Believe me, this will all change before to long.You might as well enjoy the time while you can... Good luck! Cry, get it out while your daughter is not there. Always act happy in front of your daughter so she feels she could trust you with sharing her experiences at her Dad's house. You'll see, soon enough she will be telling you things that will change. She's only 6 now... wait until she's a teen and around your ex's girlfriend. They will be running her back home to you...: ) Good luck!! Single Mom's are very strong...(we get that extra blessing from above)..

Hi J.,

I just wanted to tell you to be encouraged and hang in there. I have been a single mother for 11yrs and the first few were like what you are describing. It took a while, but I finally got through it. The best thing to do is not fight with him anymore, when you do this, he will not know what to do because he is expecting you to react to him. Set your boundaries make sure you stick to them.
As for you daughter being smitten by the new girlfriend, try not to stree about that, she knows who her mommy is and still loves you no matter who is in her daddy's life.
The best way to handle your loneliness, is to do somethings you like or get together with some of your friends when she is with her dad, this will help your spirit and soul.

Just take it one day at a time and it will get easier and better.

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so down. This is going to be a trying process for you, but you have done the right thing in separating yourself to the extent possible.

Here's the thing, though... this is just the start of it. I strongly suggest that you request updated documents that are far more specific regarding visitation and holidays. This may mean, as one mom suggested, celebrating a holiday on an alternate day, but that can become your "new" tradition with your daughter!

If he has her for Thanksgiving, invite friends over the weekend before for a Fall harvest-themed dinner. Let her make the decorations and help with the meal. If he has her for Christmas or Hannukah, have a celebration the day after. The important thing here is that your daughter realizes that you both love her and love being with her. Dates are arbitrary- make the experience count.

Your ex is a control freak, which means that he will bend rules to fit his needs and likely twist your words against you. For this reason, I would suggest that you be a bigger person and have the rules established by someone else.

Enjoy the holiday season with your daughter-

I wanted to agree with Christine P. As a single mom myself I think it is very important to make sure you have an identity for yourself in addition to being a mom. Dating... a hobby... a circle of single moms group... something.

As far as her adoring the new girlfriend. I know it can be difficult at first, but trust me... it's a good thing that he is with a woman that your daughter can connect with, b/c if he was with a woman your daughter didn't like or trust, it would be a much worse scenario.

Good luck with everything. I know being a single mom is a struggle... but your daughters father is in his life and even though that makes additional stress for you b/c he's quite simply a prick... it'll be good for both if you in the long run.

Best of luck!

Hi J.,

I hope you're doing well today. I understand what you're going through with a difficult, immature ex. The reason they do this is just to make us miserable. I heard Valerie Bertinelli say, "you need to love your child more than you hate your ex." Words to live by. My ex dragged me to court 20 times this year alone, which caused me to lose my job....that was the goal of his girlfriend's & his for the past two years. Nice, huh?

As far as your ex's girlfriend, I would say that in one way it is good that your daughter likes her. I'm sure she loves you more! In my case, my son tells me my ex's girlfriend is mean to him & swears at him. I fear letting my ex take the kids because the two of them are ignorant & really don't care about my kids. At least it sounds as if this lady cares for your daughter.

As far as holidays, I love Halloween, so I know what you were feeling last night. My ex is "too cool" to wear a costume & thinks it's dorky to dress in anything other than a slutty costume. Luckily, I won the battle on Halloween & I dressed in a huge Tigger costume & my twins were mini Tiggers. =)

Definitely get something worked out for the holidays. If your ex takes them on Christmas Eve, make sure he has your daughter back at a reasonable time so you can spend Christmas Day with her & your own family.

I know it's so hard to deal with difficult people like our ex's. If you're in NYS, I know there is a program called ACT for the Children that you can find out about through a lawyer our court house. I just enrolled in it. (if you're in Rochester, NY, email me & I'll get you the info) It's supposed to help deal with difficult ex's & do what's right for our kids. As someone else mentioned, look for support groups in your area. One lady mentioned a book called, "Boundaries". I just pulled it up on Amazon & it definitely looks like a good book....check out your library first to save some cash. =) I'll be going to my library tomorrow.

I wish you the best in dealing with that immature boob. You are being the better person by not stooping to his level. Unfortunately, he is using your kindness to walk all over you. However, your daughter does need to see you as being a mature, strong woman. I have my breakdowns from time to time, too. It's a tough job being a single working mom. I'm in the same boat....well, I'm out of work at the moment thanks to my ex, but I'll be working again soon (hopefully). Most women don't sign up to be single parents. I know that wasn't what I planned....my ex planned on dating while I was pregnant, if not sooner.

Hang in there & just know you are definitely doing the best possible job at raising your daughter. Parenting with two parents is hard enough, let alone doing it solo. Single moms are the strongest women in the world because we have to balance work, family, & maybe a possible social life once in a blue moon. LOL

Take care,
A.

Hi J.
It stinks that you and your daughter's father don't get along well but try not to let it interfere with the way you celebrate special occasions with your daughter. Don't get stuck on "the day" - celebrations can occur whenever you want them to. For instance, don't let Halloween just be October 31st. Have her dress up on the 30th or Nov 1st when she is with you. When she looks back on her childhood, she won't remember on what "day" things happened, just what happened. That's what is important. Try to do the same with Thanksgiving and Christmas. And lucky for her, she gets to celebrate holidays more than once! What kid doesn't like that!

after reading your post I just had to say I am struck at how well you seem to be handling it, your attitude is right on and you should be proud that you are taking the high road, you are doing exactly the right thing it seems to me, the best thing for your daughter. You should be proud you are an excellent mother to put your daughters needs before your own. I know it must be hard to miss out on those moments. But there will be more of them so best to get used to it and choose your battles. picturing you there crying over it for an hour I can relate, my heart really goes out to you. I thought of something, on those days when they come again, why dont you do something special for yourself, spa day, shopping, treat yourself, you deserve it!! God bless

J., your post really touched me, although I am not in the same situation. I think what spoke to me was your loneliness, or at least what seems to be loneliness, amid this difficult time for you. Do you have a group of women friends that you can turn to? Go out with shopping or to a movie when your little girl is with your ex? This can help ease the pain of separations, and quell your fantasies about how "smitten" your daughter is with the girlfriend. I completely agree with the previous poster that YOU are mommy, and whatever attachment your daughter has to your ex's gf is quite, quite secondary, tertiary, really. The best way to deal with that is to support it, that is, be visibly happy (even if you feel threatened and sad about it) for your daughter that this attachment is meaningful to her. I would treat your daughter's feelings for this woman as you do your daughters positive feelings for her peer-aged friends. Spend a little extra time either doing something fun at home, or out and about with your daughter when you are reunited to celebrate your good relationship with her. You'll get through this - and by being the bigger person for it!

Hi!

I'm sorry you have to go through this! It is far too common! One thing you could do is celebrate on a different day. Thanks to commercialism, there are often activities that take place on the days or weeks leading up to a holiday that could serve as the special day. I took my son to a Halloween celebration the weekend before Halloween. There were lots of costumes, music, and local stores had trick or treating. I went with another mom and her young child. I got to see my son in adorable costume, the excitement of the day, it was really terrific. of course, you will still feel sad when the actual day arrives. Family and friends can be great resources on these days, espicially the big holidays. I have not yet learned to use the time to "reconnect with myself" as many advise. Things take time! You do the right thing when you don't try to squeeze in a piece of the day. It could make your daughter feel she is in the middle. That is the most important thing to avoid!

all the best,
C.

J.,
I'm so sorry that you have to miss out on any time with your child. The reality is that many families are going throught the same thing.
You are her mother. It may not always seem like it, but you and your child have a bond. The girlfriend is a novelty. Whether or not she stays in your childs life, you will always be there for her and she knows it. Moms are often taken for granted until they are needed. Deep down she loves you best. Be strong and be the best mom you can be. She will appreciate it when she gets older. Take it from someone who knows.
Hang in there!
S.

YOur Ex is being terribly selfish as you can see and you stated. It will inevitably create upset w/ your daughter and pain to you. Have you tried going to a family therapist for you and your daughter together? Do you have custody?
If he is immaturely battling w/ you over your exerting your needs w/ your daughter; then as you have done - do not discuss it with him but instead have a 3rd party negotiator or family therapist or even a judge hear the case so that he has to go through them and not you. He has been taking out whatever frustration or anger he has w/ you on silencing you while he gets his way all the time. WRONG!!
Why not speak to your or a lawyer to have it be determined by a judge a therapist or arbitrator so that you may spare your young daughter the confusion & emotional issues and put a professional between you and your Ex so that you do not have to speak w/ him as he is clearly unable to compromise. Make sure you go over a calendar of events/ holidays and his responses to your efforts to communicate positively & share your parenting responsibility & time w/ your daughter; with the outcome- that you now feel helpless to speak w/ him or to get your needs as her mother.
Best of Luck! I am sure you will have a positive outcome! Exert yourself w/ a professionals help and you will benefit; especially beneficial to your daughter as she will not learn to become passive or helpless and will see that she too, like you, has a voice.

This might sound a little crazy but, how about adding another "ball" into your juggling act? You're a mom and you work full-time, but what do you do for J.? Who are you? Take up a sport or hobby, take a class, when your daughter is with her dad. Feed your soul. When your daughter comes home you'll feel energized and ready to share your "adventure". It's easier to achieve balance on 3 legs.

Hi J.,
As a single mother also, I feel your pain. I have 4, each with a different father, I never married.

One is very demanding and knows he has not real rights since he didnt meet our daughter until she was 9 1/2 years old. We never had any custody agreements go through the courts, so he only got her when I said he could. She is now 18 and living with him, he bought her a car and paying for her college.

Another one never had money to do anything for our daughter; like a car, gas, food money, half the time a place for her to stay, and always wanted to "borrow" something from me. We also never had anything go through court, so she never really went with him. She is 16 and we have no clue as to where he is now.

Another father came to see our son at my house for the first 2 years until his live-in girlfriend said he couldnt any longer, so he took me to court for a custody agreement. He drives over 3 hours one way every other weekend; friday and sunday, to see him. I didn't have a car at the time of the agreement. Holidays, he knows I wont give my children up for Christmas, but we compromise for the other holidays. He is allowed to pick him up after dinner with my parents/family on Christmas. Halloween isn't too much a big deal, but since I buy the costumes and he has a little sister to go trick or treating with, he stays with me. He will be 9 just before Thanksgiving.

I am in a relationship with my youngest daughter's father now, and maybe this time will be it for me to marry. She is now 3 as of last week.

I know from experience, some men can just be real jerks and don't care who they hurt.

If you don't have a court order, or a judge signed custody agreement (which I never did voluntarily), you don't have to let your daughter go. But unfortunately, some women think that they have to have something court ordered in order to have custody; they dont tell you that as long as the child resides and is registered in school at the mother's address, it is enough to validate custody.

I hate it when my kids go away, especially to their fathers, because I never know what will happen. I worry alot.

You can get through this. If I can do it without completely losing my mind all of these years, anyone can. I am a strong person, but when it comes to my kids, they are the only thing that matters and I do get easily depressed and cry alot when they are away from me. Unfortunately, its a normal mom thing. :/

You will see her soon : )

I wanted to send you some added words of encouragement for your situation. You are already an awesome mother. Keep up the great work.

Your daughter is so blessed to have a father that wants to spend time with her and who has selected a girlfriend that makes your child feel comfortable, loved and welcomed in their relationship. Up until a week and a half ago, I was a single mother for 15 years.

What helps me in dealing with my son's father and family is honestly putting my son's best interests in the forefront. For her own identity it is important she knows she has two parents that love her and care for her. It is important for her to see you be respectful to her father because he is a part of her. It doesn't mean you don't keep healthy boundaries for yourself it just means handle that relationship carefully knowing she is watching and learning from you how to treat a man, even a difficult man.

I want to leave you with this thought for your own well being. When she is not with you, find some things you love to do and do them child free. For twelve years now, I have had Sunday afternoons to myself. It has been great. I can go to the movies, take well deserved naps, shop, read, cook, relax, spend time with adult friends and anything else under the sun. I use this time as my resort restoration time. I just love it. Try doing more things like that. I hope this helps and know their is a future for you and your daughter that you don't even know about. Get ready for that.