Need to Connect to 3Rd Pregnancy

Updated on August 05, 2010
C.T. asks from Chester, NY
9 answers

Hi Mamas-

So, if you scroll through my historic posts, you'll see that Hubby and I had some "protection" issues... I am now currently preggers! While this 3rd pregnancy is not the result of that post (a similar situation happened about 3 months later in May - we tossed those condoms, but it was too late!!), I am having trouble connecting to this baby. Honestly, we were not sure we wanted it/were going to keep it/etc, but we spent a lot of time praying and talking and are now moving forward towards completing our family. (We wanted three children - we just never imagined that they would be this close together...)

With our first child, everything was new and exciting so I was on constant alert. With our son, I was so tuned in to my body and what was going on, I swear I could feel him from conception! This time, nothing, and I am hitting the 12 week mark in a few days. I am really worried.

We really want this child and we want it to be as healthy and happy as our other children are. I truly believe that giving the baby its best start possible begins now, in the womb, and it is killing me that I still feel so detached. So, I ask you Mamas, what steps have you taken to connect to a pregnancy? Especially an unplanned one?


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answers from Raleigh on

I just had my third baby & she was our little surprise we found out about after our youngest, then, started kindergarten. I was so busy with my older two and it was old hat that I had the same problem. It really helped to find out one of my friends was pregnant too but this was her first pregnancy and it really helped me remember what a wonderful gift it is to be pregnant. I started to slow down and enjoy it. We included the milestones with our older 2 & kept a family journal. We were all so bonded to our little one by the time she arrived we were all so in love with her. I know you will be too with your little one. Give yourself time to process and figure out how you can get excited about this little one.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Joplin on

My third pregnancy was not planned, total OOPS....I had 2 significantly older children ( they are 3, 9 and 14 now...) I will not lie to you...MOST of my third pregnancy I was unhappy. I was not sure I was even doing the right thing by keeping the baby, I prayed Hard...I could not see how we would be ok with another mouth to feed, and starting all over with a little one. It was a difficult pregnancy, I was not as healthy, I gained too much weight...but do you know what? The MINUTE I held him I was filled with peace ( some momma's don;t bond right away so don't be hard on yourself if you don't) but I am 3 years into this little ones life, and he is such an incredible blessing! I cannot for the life of me imagine our lives without Alex in it. He brings me joy every single day...I may not have "planned" Alex but I have no doubt in my mind that God had planned for him to be in our lives. My heart goes out to you...It may be a rough road ahead, but I am sure it is so worth it. Hang in there...I will have you in my prayers

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

You need to take time for yourself. I'm sure with 2 kids you are beyond busy (I know the feeling). There is a lot on your plate. You need to carve out some time each day/week to focus on yourself, and what you are feeling and going through. Spend 20 minutes alone each day- go for a nice walk, or take a warm bath. Whatever it is you enjoy- take the time to do it and I bet you'll connect your new baby in no time.

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I just had my 2nd baby, and I felt that way too. I think like you said, the 1st one was so fresh and new, everything was interesting and exciting. I dont know how it was for you in yolur 2nd pregnancy, but I wouldnt beat yourself up about not connecting yet.

You're probably so busy with your 2 children and the responsibilities of being a mother. I only had 1 child and I felt totally overwhelmed. I honestly didn't get a chance to even focus on being pregnant, and before I knew it I was in labor =P

Also, not to make it sound simple, but you've "been there, done that". You may not connect during the pregnancy, but you'll connect when the baby is out. When you see its face and discover its personality!

I think some ways to connect (if you have the time!) would be perhaps to read some books to get yourself reaquainted with pregnancy and the excitement of it. Or maybe websites like the bump or could help... Do you have pictures of your children when they were babies or of the birth? That might bring back memories and cue your feelings to connect with what youre going through now. I also found talking to other mothers who were pregnant helped me connect, and was also fun to exchange stories. It made me more aware of the baby in my womb.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

I have a good friend who felt the same about her 3rd unplanned pregnancy. She was going to be done after two and oops, here comes #3.

She choose to find out the sex (she hadn't with the first two) and did more prebaby shopping than she probably needed to. She said that finding out the sex and knowing the babies name for certain helped her feel more engaged. Not sure your plan, but maybe a 3D ultrasound could help you really see baby and get a good look at her/his face.

Good luck and congratulations.


1 mom found this helpful


answers from Gainesville on

You totally sound like me! I always wanted at least 3 children....My oldest is 3 and baby is 16 months and I am due in November for the 3rd. I know I will love this next little guy but I have had to try to program my mind to connect and it is slowly happening...I guess by just going through and sorting baby clothes has helped some. I H. to have an epidural this time so I can have a better experience than last and possibly have a better memory of this last little guy!


answers from Williamsport on

Don't sweat it! You're just busier now. Your choice is made, so don't keep connecting the mental struggle to it. I also had surprise #3 right behind 2, and didn't pay a lick of attention to my body (other than eating right and not drinking of course) until I was on crisis bed rest, and then when that passed, when I was huge and due.

I also didn't feel as connected to my newborn, due to other 2 kids, emergency c-section recovery etc. I also couldn't spend as much time with her, my husband travels constantly, and for the first time, I used the playpen a lot while handling the other 2. I felt like she was growing despite me! Luckily, her siblings play with her a lot!

I can honestly say now at one year old, we are just STARTING to click in a mommy daughter way, and I'm still learning the nuances of her character, but it's great. She's amazing. We're so happy that none of our kids were planned. You'll be over it and back in shape years sooner than you thought. YAY!

Don't over-think it. You don't need to live every moment in awe of the pregnancy like you did the other ones. Every child from conception to adulthood is a different journey. Just eat healthy, stay emotionally healthy (as much as possible) and get enough rest! Congrats!



answers from Elmira on

I also have three children and felt the same way with my third. I knew from the beginning I would be keeping him, but he couldn't have come at a worse time. I was so worried about having enough time, energy, love, and affection to give all my children evenly. When the baby comes you love him/her just the same. It may take some time though. Sometimes bonding doesn't happen immediately. I think one of the things that helped me was reading more frequently to my other children. The baby would calm right down. Also talk to your children about the baby. Get their opinions on baby names, what the think the baby will look like, what theythink it will be like to have a younger sibling. If your children get excited about the baby, it may be easier for you to do the same. Nesting also helps. Preparing for the baby. Good luck and I'm sure everything will work out.



answers from Detroit on

I had the same experience. My second was a surprise. I thought it was too soon after adopting his older sister, and we had already started a second adoption (no child assigned, though), which we had to cancel. We were really looking forward to adopting again and really wanted an older baby (due to my husband's disability and therefore inability to help care for the physical needs of a newborn - and a new mommy!)

I NEVER felt a connection to our son through the entire pregnancy. But, the day he was born, I loved him so much I thought my heart would burst. I had an emergency c-section and after he was born, the nurses had to keep coming into my room and telling me to put him in his bed so I could rest. I just couldn't put him down. They finally took him to the nurses' station for a couple of hours so I would sleep! Our children are gifts from God, and I guess He knows what he's doing. I couldn't imagine our life without our son now. He brings such joy to us.

Even though I never felt that connection during the pregnancy (and boy did I pray for it) I knew he would be my son and deserved to be loved as much as his sister. I also knew I really would love him and would regret it if I didn't act that way during the pregnancy. So.... I worked extra hard to pick out the perfect name as early as possible and to call him by his name while I was pregnant (instead of calling him "the baby"). I also went all out making handmade decorations for his room (like I did for his sister) and had it all decorated before he was born. I was so glad I did. Finally, I prayed every day that he would be healthy and that God would help me to love him as much as I love his sister.

I'm sure you'll love your new baby too even though you don't feel that way now (besides, with two already, you're probably too busy to think about it). Just keep praying about it and don't worry too much. You're not the only who has felt this way.

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