Need Suggestions on How to Stand It

Updated on October 16, 2017
B.F. asks from Newark, DE
8 answers

This is kind of a bedroom matter and hopefully not TMI.

IMyI r guy, like a lot of guys, gets to needing "release". Sometimes I think he wants to do "it" just for something to do. Having never been a guy myself, I can only try to imagine the need/want/urgency, and the effect on a guy's body/mind connection and help to meet his need. I'm sure you're all with me o
There are various ways we do sex, though not many. The problem I experience is that sometimes the "regular" or "missionary" way is not a good option for me. But one other way in particular, SOON get very tiring and makes me ache. so often that I get mad that he "needs" it so much as a man. It's like I wish he'd stop needing it, while he LIKES to need it. It can make me pretty mad at both him AND aggravated at WHY he needs it so much. We tried a sex toy that hits the need right on the mark. I saw it as a God-send when I first learned about it. I saw it work for him, but he has never really wanted to resort to that. I thought with the toy he could take care of the urgency himself. I have him reciprocate in some way during the "act", but it doesn't make it any less exhausting and therefore, unpleasant for me. The bottom line is that it just wears me out doing this with him, to where I wish he didn't need it--or not as much. His "problem" is something he likes, but is hard on me--and I'm supposed to be glad to go along with him?

The whole idea reminds me of the problems men and women go through, except for one thing: Men LOVE getting their problem, but women HATE getting theirs.. Theirs brings GREAT feelings; women's brings all sorts of NOT-SO-GREAT effects.

What can I do?--besides deny him.

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So What Happened?

Nothing has happened yet--it looked like none of my original post "posted", so I rewrote it. Either this website is being funky or my computer is. The second explanation is briefer than the first, but it might help convey the idea faster. Just forgive any repeats.

Once in a while somebody tries to help, but is WAY off from understanding--or else they don't read the original post right. For example some suggested it as being painful for me and to see a doctor about it. Well, it's not THAT kind of painful, and if I should tell any doctor it would be a chiropractor. (Remember, I said it gets exhausting.) Now the comment/suggestion that I might be asexual, THAT'S interesting, as I never thought of that, especially being married to a man. I'll have to think about that.

One thing that's good and bad at the same time is that my husband has had premature ejaculation "trouble" for years, though that's not the case every time. Obviously, since I get worn out trying to help him make it happen. It's good in that it's quicker that he gets "done" as soon as he does, but it can come across as him being desperate. He's not crazy about getting "done" so quick when that happens, but I don't mind it one bit.

Some of you have suggested I see a sex therapist or something. Before I would think of that I would want to hear from somebody who has actually been to one. Ditto about it being a medical problem, too.

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answers from New York on

If you don't enjoy sex and it is that painful go see a dr. If you don't like it with dudes you might be gay.

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answers from Springfield on

sounds like you need to have a chat with your guy, your OB/GYN and a marriage counselor.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Toledo on

You seem to be under the impression that most women hate sex. I've never met a woman that didn't like sex. Now that doesn't mean they always want it as often as their partner, but in my marriage that is something that changes from time to time. Sometimes I'm the one wanting it more.

If this is something that is not at all desirable to you, you really should talk to your doctor. You shouldn't have to be looking for ways to just suck it up and deal with it. This should be good for you, too.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

If you aren't sexually compatible the relationship probably won't last. Don't waste his time and yours. Move on now before you get married and have kids.
And what do you mean by "getting their problem?" what are you talking about?

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

I see you've posted about this a couple years ago too. Have you looked into asexuality? There is a wide spectrum, it doesn't just mean that you have zero interest in sex. There is one where you are initially attracted to someone but as you get to know them, it goes away. There's an opposite one where you're not attracted to someone until you know them well.

If you are on the asexual spectrum, it completely makes sense why you wouldn't be able to understand where he's coming from and vice versa. It sounds like he's not interested in taking care of business by himself or at least that doesn't "count" in his mind and is pestering you a lot. It is so frustrating, I know. I'm sure he didn't mind doing so when he didn't have a partner, right?! You and your husband will have to come to some compromises that you can both be happy with and not have one of you resentful all the time.

Best of luck

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answers from Anchorage on

You need to talk to HIM about this. We can't tell you "how to stand it ". No woman should be treated like a sex object and that is what your post is conveying. You feel he treats you like an object for his 'release'.

Have you talked to him about all this? Sex is something that partners should talk about. It should be enjoyed by both partners equally. It's clear you are not enjoying your sex life with this man. You need couples therapy. Find a therapist who specializes in sex. They are out there. Find one. And talk to your partner. Tell him everything you just told us. Or let him read your post. Talk to him. Then talk some more. Then find that therapist. Good luck.

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answers from Anchorage on

You make it sound like it is the norm for women to hate sex, and that is far from the truth. If you have no sexual interest you may be asexual, or you could have a hormonal misbalance that a doctor could diagnose. If it is just simply that you don't want to do it anymore you will have to just talk with your husband and find some kind of compromise that satisfies you both.

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answers from Seattle on

WHat the? I don't even understand what you are asking. Instead of trying to be secretive, can you just ask the question using big girl words?
I *think* you are saying that your boyfriend has a higher sex drive then you.
Which people deal with all the time.
It's called communication. So, have a sit down conversation and talk with him. But if you are "talking" with him the way you just "talked" with us, then I can understand why he may be confused and not understand you.

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