Need Some Support Please :( Regarding Shared Parenting

I fumbled through this situation myself.

Two important things I want to impart from my years of experience.

one - Don't ask your daughter. You and dad decide. Asking her puts her in a terrible position. She either has to hurt mom or dads feelings. Asking her seems like the right thing to do, until you step back and realize what kind of choice you are giving her. Do you want to break mommys heart or daddys?

two - It's going to be really important that you find something constructive to do while she is gone. Get a hobby, go work out, make plans. She will be much happier if she knows you are happy. Then, when she comes home, you both have fun stories to tell each other. Rather than her feeling like you will be sitting at home crying the whole time she is gone.

I know you already are so supportive of the father/daughter bond. These are things I had to learn the hard way and want to share with you from the heart.

You're doing the right thing.
He wants extra time, and she does too, right?

Sometimes doing the right thing hurts a little.

Hang in there, mom.

I grew up with divorced parents. I'm sorry you are sad, but just remember, it is 100% about what your daughter needs in this case, not about what you need. Sounds like you understand that, though.

I spent M/T with mom, W/TH with dad, and they swapped weekends. When there was a 5th weekend in the month, they alternated who got us on the 5th weekend (for planning ahead purposes).They switched Thanksgivings, and my dad got us xmas eve until morning, then mom got us xmas morning.

I am VERY grateful for the consistency and for the equal time I got with both parents. VERY important.

Good for you for doing the right thing.

Raising a child in a split home is SO hard. I think you are doing the right thing though. A strong relationship with both parents is the ideal situation. I have one daughter with my first husband and we divorced when she was 3 (she is now almost 18). I have always had the, "I will do whatever it takes to insure that our divorce affects her as little as possible" additude. As a result, there was 15 years of a lot of give and take by both her dad and I. I missed out on things that broke my heart but, he did at times as well. She was never the wiser though. We tried to work with each other as much as possible and be fair not only to each other but, especially to her. She has an awesome relationship with both of us for that reason. She was never put in the middle, she was never made to choose. Now, we do a lot of things together. Me, my husband of 12 years, my ex, his girlfriend. We go to all her track events, go on college tours, go car shopping for her. People find it strange but, just because our marriage didn't work out doesn't mean we can't still raise her together just as we would being married. I think she respects the effort we made all these years!

I know how you feel and how he feels, I'm on the same end your ex is in this one...I have the same schedual with my daughter after her dad moved an hour and a half away from where we were raising our daughter and me...I believe it's h*** o* both ends...and I completly understand how he feels too. Hang in there you are doing the right thing for both your daughter and her dad...not sure if people really get used to this whole shared parenting thing....it breaks my heart for the children and the parents invovled in our situations.

I totally agree with Tracy K. Yes, it is very important to be fully engaged with our children because the time goes sooooo fast; and, at the same time it is time for you to start having a life seperate from your daughter.

Too often as mothers we become overidentified in our role and soon lose sight of who we are as a person. You now have the opportunity to create a great balance for yourself. This will in no way take away from your daughter. In fact, it will teach her a valuable skill in self-care. I once heard Life Coach Martha Beck say: We don't teach our children how to love themselves by how we love them. We teach them how to love themselves by how we love ourselves.

Who are you? What do you like? What are you passionate about (besides your daughter of course)? What are some things you love to do that you don't do? What have you always wanted to learn that you have put off learning?

For me it was country dancing. I started 13 years ago when my children were 2,4, and 6. It has been a stable influence in my life and has given me a place to just be me. Also, after finishing my MA, I always had a couple of clients even though I was a stay-at-home mom when my kids were with me (custody is 50/50). As my children are now leaving for college (the time really does fly by) I am grieving but it is not overwhelming and I still have my dancing and I am growing my coaching business which I love doing. I am not having to spend time trying to figure out who I am. I miss my kids and yet I am looking forward to this new phase in all our lives.

Now is the time to give your daughter the gift of both parents and the gift of a mom that can be many things, including herself. This supports your daughter in her development of a good sense of identity for herself.

Honestly if hes good for her and to her I wouldnt make her decide or have real imput besides J. saying daddy really misses you and wants an extra night with you and I think its good you have that time too so we're going to do it unless you have any major concerns. I wold J. make it a fact that shes going to get an extra day with daddy. I wouldnt want to put her in the middle or make her feel bad for choosing her dad, and in all honesty if my daughter wanted one less night with her dad for no real reason she wouldnt get a major say since he is her father and its good for them to build a strong relationship together. I think its normal to be sad, I was very much so at first, but I am now happy in a lot of ways when I see her run to his arms and know that she will get some good quality time with her dad.

My brother has it the hardest his ex moved 8 hours away and he has primary care but has to hand over his daughter for weeks/months at a time in the summer and holidays and he does it with a smile and as mch as he misses her he has a huge smile on his face and is genuinely happy she gets to spend much needed time with her mom.

Aaaaw, I think that little tug of jealousy you're feeling is pretty normal. I'm sure you understand it's two different relationships, and she needs both of them.

I'd like to say my kids (all three of them) and their father have a screaming lack of interest in each other. Nobody seems to care (him OR them) whether they spend time together or not, sigh.

So yeah, your way is def BETTER.

:)

I didn't read any other post, but from your "so what happened" it sounds like people were saying you need to ask your daughter. Well I am from divorced parents as well as I am married to someone who had a child already. He was 2 when they divorced, 4 when we started dating and is now 19, so I have a little experience with this...

Do not ask your daughter what she wants to do, you and the ex need to come to an agreement and that's it. It's not saying you don't care about her opinions, but you are putting her in the worst place ever. She is old enough to kind of have a sense as to why you would be asking this and she is going to feel torn between the two of you and that is absolutely not fair to her, she is still a child. She doesn't need to be involved in any of the "adult decisions." Yes, it involves her, but it still, not a place to put her in. If you were worried about the situation at dad's house, they may be different, but it doesn't sound like you are. So, you and dad need to make the decision and that's it.

I know the feeling, for me it's a little like being kicked in the head. Can you wait before agreeing to the extra night? If it's not urgent, I would want to talk to my daughter, first,. That way, you can discuss your daughter's needs, wants, and feelings with her and yours too. She needs to know that you want what's best for her, and that you love her even if she wants more time with her dad. And that you are there for her whether she is with you or her dad. It's hard, isn't it?

Please don't ask her if you think it's something she'd like. You're trying to be inclusive and let her know that her opinions matter, but instead you'll be putting her in a really tough position. She either has to pick mom or dad, and she knows she'll be hurting one or the other of you. And if you say "oh honey, don't worry, I don't mind" she'll either think you're a martyr, or wonder why you don't love her enough to be upset.

If you think that it would be beneficial for your daughter to spend more time with her dad, then agree graciously. It already sounds like you have a good relationship with your ex - good for you! And like everyone else, I agree that you need to plan things to do when your daughter is away. Volunteer, join a book club, whatever. Just keep yourself busy so that you don't miss her so much.

I commend you for considering your child's needs. It is HARD and I'm sorry you have to split the time but I'm glad for both of you that you are willing to consider your DD's needs at this time.

Now, if the issue is that she wants more quality time, then that's an issue between him and her. My sks' mom is often absentee and their xSF was the primary caregiver many weekends. We couldn't make her be a better mom. We had to encourage the kids to say, "Hey, Mom, can we do something together today?"

The other thing you should consider is if this changes CS.

I agree to keep it between you and your ex. That's not a little girl decision.

OOOO mommy time. Instead of missing her so much take that time and do something for yourself. Take a class, join a gym, go out with friends. We are so much better as parents when we are happy.

Don't be upset - be glad. Girls need that extra attention from their fathers. If they don't get it, they start looking for it elsewhere which is where the trouble begins. So, feel extremely happy that your ex wants this extra time and that your daughter wants it also.

Also, I agree with other posters about not asking your daughter what she wants (although you seem to already know). My daughter did this with my grandsons and now they think they get to decide where they want to live and that they can change households any time they want. Not a good thing!

I am a mom and a step mom so I get this. My ex has my kids every other weekend and every other holiday and that's it, he will only do what is "legal" for him to do, so sad. So I'm glad you are doing what is best for your daughter, even tho its hard for you. If her and her dad have a good relationship then that is the right thing for you to do. Don't see it as time away from you, see it as a good thing for her, which I know you do. Good luck!