Need Some Support

I dont have a lot of advice but I do have this quote that gets me through a lot of hard times.
One hundred years from now it will not matter what kind of car I drove,what kind of house I lived in,how much money I had in my bank account,nor what my clothes looked like,but the world may be a little better because I was important in the life of a child.

Go to www.meetup.com and find a group that suits you. There are lots of free activities and you can drag along the kids because there will be other mothers in the same rut. Good Luck

L

Hey -
Do you have a standard bedtime for the kids? That helps me more than anything. I have two kids (5 and 7 months) and I am a single parent, so I often feel overwhelmed because I can never get away. But, having them in bed at the same time every night (early) REALLY helps. Even if I don't have the energy to clean the house, at least the house is quiet.

-L.

Let me preface this with the statement that I daily fantasize about running away to Cozumel.

With that out of the way; PROZAC is my best friend. My second best are these three books: 1. Feeling good, which is a do it yourself guide to cognitive therapy. 2. The five love languages, 3. Created to be his Help Meet.

I also love me some flylady.net for keeping my house clean.

If you're big into massages and pedicures and seriously think they might help you - look into schools around you. There is one in Wichita Falls where you can get a half hour massage for around $10. Same thing at beauty schools - it's your nails - how badly can they mess up?

My husband and I do date nights at McDonalds and the park. Our kids are ALWAYS there - we don't leave them anywhere.

There are some days when this whole routine sucks. Between crappy diapers and runny noses, I'm lucky to get out of my pajamas.. I feel guilty for leaving them at daycare because I enjoy my day so much.. and then I remember that they're going to grow up soon. Really soon - if you think about it, it probably seems like Jack was only learning how to walk a few months ago, and this year he'll start kindergarten - right? Sometimes it's just a daily monotony.. but the monotony will change.

My advice: Forget about the house. Give it 20 minutes a day and a promise for a full scrub in a year or two. Enjoy the kids. Let them help you mop the floor and wipe up the soapy water with towels - y'all can skate across the floor on the towels. Cover your kitchen table with butcher paper and use playdoh or finger paint with them. Then throw them in the tub to play awhile - or a kiddy pool ($11 at walmart) outside. Sit and read a book while you watch them play.

Kiss your husband every single day when he gets home and before he leaves. It doesn't matter if you've both had the crappiest days in the history of the world and you'd rather crawl through a pig trough. Kiss. Every day.

Most of life is perspective. Think of anything you like to do. Then think of five things that suck about it. i.e. going to get icecream. 1. Makes me fat. 2. Hurts my teeth. 3. Costs too much money. 4. Takes too much gas. 5. My kids might misbehave. All of a sudden, yummy ice cream sounds like a lousy time.

Something that you think sucks - five good things. Camping.
1. Spending time with my kids - oh the memories of my 2 year old catching that red plastic fish. 2. Spending time with my husband - he really enjoys it. 3. Smores. 4. Cheap vacation. 5. Makes me grateful to come home. See, hot sweaty smelly camping with the insects sounds pretty good, huh? :)

The best thing about perspective is that, as moms - our family mirrors us. I can put my husband in a bad mood or a good mood, turn my children into whining, sniveling little beasts or helpful angels simply by my choices. So much power.

Message me if you need anything.
S.

I sooo feel your pain. Learn the words "tie a knot, and hang on"
I think I have said those words to myself a trillion times!
My first thought is to tell you to find a church with a nursery and use it. There are weekday bible studies and many other things that will allow you free grown-up time and free childcare. Second, if you can afford to be off from your home job one day every other week, find a MOPS group and work for them intheir childcare. You will get a little grownup time with other adults as well as a break from your personal children. (and a little extra money as well) I have been exactly where you are and would love to offer you all of the support that I can. please send a private reply with any questions that you might have about anythiing. you are not alone. hang in there!!!!!!

I have this poem on my refrigerator and it helps me cope when I start feeling down:

ATTITUDE by Charles Swindoll

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is that we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play the one string that we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our Attitudes."

Do you have any friends near by? Have them over. I'd love to come and help you clean your house, not that I'm very good at it, but I do an okay job in my house. Sometimes we get into the same situation. We're living on one income and cannot afford to pay a babysitter or do many things that other mothers do. Most of the mothers I know take their kids to expensive places or they go out to eat at expensive restaurants, I sometimes think it's expected in this area, but I can't do that. I try to make the best of my life. I went to a thrift store one time and found a strobe light for like $3, since then it has been party night at our house most weekends. When my kids were babies I would hold them and dance with them and they loved it. I always have to come up with things to do and there's always something going on at our house. When it comes to myself, I give myself pedicures and do my hair in many different ways. Sometimes when the kids are asleep I pour a glass of wine for my husband and I, and we have a romantic night. Sometimes people make me feel inferior because I'm a young mama and what some people would consider "poor" but when we come home from being with other moms and their kids, my kids come and tell me that those moms are boring and that I'm the best mom ever, it's the best feeling in the world! I think to myself how we only have 18 years with them until they go to college and start their own life. I can sacrifice that much out of my life. Later, I'll go out and have fun and do those things that I can't do now, right now it's all about the people that I raise them to be. My girls love little kids, if you ever want to get together, we can. I don't mind the dirty diapers, I've been there.

Hi there!

I have 2 little ones, 1 yr and almost 4. We are also in a babysitting co-op. Right now there are two couples, so we alternate weekends for watching kids and having dates. THat's been a life saver for me.

Also, you mentioned your house is gross. I know I feel a lot grumpier when my house is a mess... One thing I try to do is follow the "Flylady's" advice for keeping house clean. Her webaddress is www.FlyLady.net and it has lots of great tips for getting your house in order and then keeping up your house, whether you work or not, or work from home or away from home... I don't know if her website is free or not. I have a book my MIL let me borrow that I go back and read semi-regularly. They may have her book at the local library too. Anyway, it's worked great for me only doing her stuff halfway. I also get my kiddos in helping me clean (even my little 13 month old helps put things away, like her toys, and she LOVES to help with laundry!)

Hope things turn around for you!

Dear E.,
AT the risk of sounding old fashioned (and I am) I can share with you what worked and still works for me. Not necessarily time out for yourself but time out for God. It can be five or more minutes just to breath a prayer to Him acknowledge your need and seek His strength for your day. When rearing five children all under the age of eight this was my answer.
The Joy you seek is not physical, it is spiritual. You get the first in order, the rest follows. My prayers are with you. B.

Once the kids come....life goes from a nice ride on teh ocean to hurricane status overnight. You really are normal. I suggest you find a network of friends. Girlfriends can be a saving grace and a must for any woman. You need to watch each others kids once a month. It could be a few hours on saturday or saturday evening. And do nto spend that time cleaning. As you well know, it will still be there the next day. Spend that time with your husband. You two are the reason this family started in teh first place. You have to make time for each other. Without the two of you, there is no family. It does not have to be expensive. You could sleep in, watch an adult movie, go for a bike ride,cook a meal together. Anything for just you two. Believe me, your other friends need the same support and escape too. I have 3 kids and i finally realized that my house was crazy cluttered all the time. I set a schedule for us. It is a cleaning schedule. Each day i focus on one thing. I can mark it off my list and nto fret about the other. B/c once again, it will be back to clutter in no time. Take a minute to look at things, what bugs you the most, what is the easiest to fix etc... Like for me it was the kitchen and the entry. So on my schedule i have that dishes must be done everynight and table completely cleared. I also organized my entry so everyone has a spot for bags, shoes keys, mail etc... Everyone must help with this. Even my 2.5 knows her shoes go under the bench. That help tons. I hated walking in the door from a hard day to be greeted by a mess. I sweep on wednesday and vacuum on thursdays. I mop only every other friday. I wash on sunday. Fold and put away on monday and tuesday. I am lucky enough to have a seperate play room so that helps me a whole bunch. Saturday morning i clean bathrooms. Etc... Everything has its own time and that is all there is. I started putting hte kids to bed 15 minutes earlier and you wouldn't believe what that extra 30 minutes did for me. That was my magazine time (who has time to read a book...i miss them). Try to hang in there. Soon you'll be saying their so big. They don't even want my help anymore. We will have time to paint our toes and read those long lost books as we sit watching sports practices for days on end. Good luck!

The best thing I've ever heard came from some wonderful, Christian women at my MOPS group. This is all a season.
There is a season of poopy diapers, there is a season of being independant, there is a season of being involed in lots of sports, etc. But, it's all a season, you will get past it, and it may not be fun now, especially with 3 under 5, but it will get better. You'll probably find that when Juliet is 3, things will look a lot brighter. I don't know why 3 is the magic number, but things just get a little bit easier when the youngest is 3. There are different challenges mind you, but they are just a season as well.

Another thing that really made me feel better was something else that a speaker said at our MOPS group. We had just moved to the area, no family, and my kids were 3 & 5 (my #3 was not even in the works at the time). We moved from New Orleans and had 3 properties there to deal with and a new house here to balance. Things were tough! Anyway, the speaker was the pastor of the church and he was talking about marital satisfaction. He showed a chart of men's work satisfaction vs. women's marital satisfaction. He said "don't get me wrong, this isn't a want's a divorce kind of thing, it's the ability to be satisfied with the companionship, and all of the normal pros of marriage." Anyway, the curve showed that women are usually really satisfied when they are first married, then it goes down with the birth of children, and then it starts climbing again as the kids get older. Men's satisfaction at work satisfaction, however, started low and then increased over time. Basically, when we are at our low point in being satisfied in our marriage, men are starting to be more satisfied with their work. I don't know if this info helps you or not, but it really helped me to put things in perspective. I love my husband and kids, but yes, the monotony (sp?) of having small kids and a husband who is away (my hubby did 2 tours in Afghanistan when my kids were almost 2 & 4, so I know about a hubby being gone). Just keep going. Try to enjoy the things you can. I completely get the "my house is gross" thing and if there is any way to afford a maid, I think you should get one. If you can't, then you might try something my friend did...every Saturday morning, her husband takes her kids off for a while, maybe to the park, maybe just in the backyard, but he takes them out of the house. She then takes 2 hours to really clean her house. For them, it works. It may not work with your hubby traveling so much, but maybe if you do make some friends with someone else that has kids your kids age you can trade off time. 2 hours for you when her watching your kids and then 2 hours for her when you watch her kids. I've also heard of people that trade babysitting this way. Find someone you trust that you feel comfortable leaving your kids with and trade babysitting so that you can go on a date with your husband. Another idea is to have date night at your house. After the kids are in bed, have a nice dinner and rent a movie. Trust me, I've heard all the same advice before and it's easier said than done, but I thought it was worth mentioning!

Hang in there. Before you know it, your kids will be bigger and you will barely remember these times. And above all, pray. When my hubby was gone, I prayed every morning for strength & patience with my kids, and boy did it work! Unfortunately I've gotten out of the habit and I can tell! I need to get back to that again!

Hang in there!

Hello,
I don't have alot of advice, but wanted to say that I am right there with you, and I only have one child! I am sure three is very challenging. I have been trying to brainstorm about what I can do to make myself happier. For one, I think it is SO important to make your husband a priority and to nurture that relationship. I know it's hard...I thought my hubby and I would do this parenting thing easily since we were so close and compatible before having our son. But boy, does it change everything! At times, I find myself secretly bitter toward my hubby because he doesn't deal with the daily frustrations that I do, even though I know he is working for our living. Anyway, one thing I am going to try to do is bring some of the intimacy back to my marriage. I am sure our hubbies feel that they are on the back burner from the kids, even though as mommies we are doing our best to get it all done.

I'm not sure where you live, but you might look into a Mother's Day Out near you...I know it is alot cheaper than $10 an hour. And I liked one of the ladies ideas below to try and find a mom who will trade babysitting with you, so you and hubby can go out to dinner. Even if it's just a couple hours...it does wonders. I need to do this myself! If you attend church, maybe you could find a teen that you trust to babysit for you at a lesser cost.

For me, I know that part of my problem is that I get NO exercise...who has time? But I am going to bring my treadmill in from the garage and make myself get on it, even if it's just 15 minutes. I'll just bring my son into the room with me and walk as long as he'll let me.

You are not alone girlfriend. With three kids, I applaud you! You are doing the best you can, and you should be proud of that. If you live near Garland, message me and we can possibly trade babysitting sometime!

Take care of yourself!
S.

Sounds like you did what I did! I had 3 kids in 4 years 1 month! It definitely isn't easy. But I think what you need to remember is that kids are only kids once and for such a short time. After my 3rd baby, I went through the depression it sounds like you may be in. I didn't see it, I felt VERY overwhelmed. We worked out a routine, though, that allowed both of us time with the kids and alone. I usually got home before he did, so I made dinner and would feed the kids. After dinner he would take the kids up for their bath and read stories, while I did the dishes. After the kids went to bed, we would talk or play board games. RELAX!!!!!

Communication is KEY! And you definitely need to get out of the house. The park is a good place ... especially one that has water spouts.... and while the kids are playing in the water, you and your husband can take pictures and talk. RELAX!!!!

If you feel that you're husband is checking out, then maybe marriage counselling or at least some sit down serious talking. Right now, all the days probably run together and he's to the point that he may be dreading coming home. None of us want that. Kids are the greatest joy and the hardest job. Whomever said "let's have a baby so we can save our marriage" got it wrong. Babies are the hardest thing on a marriage because you no longer have all that time to give to your partner, most of it's being given to the kids, especially 3 of them 5 years and under. Maybe if you and your husband sit down one night after the kids are in bed, and recognize the toll the kids are taking and agree to work together to get the evening stuff done (maybe one gives 2 a bath while the other helps mom clean the kitchen and then mom gives that one a bath)....seperating the arguing kids especially at night, makes for a much quieter house! Maybe then the chaos will slowly disappear, but nothing changes over night. And kids also recognize their parents emotions and feed off of them. I hope I've said something here that helps!

Good luck! Raising kids and staying sane are difficult things to do .... at the same time. Drop me a line if you ever want to talk!

A little thought----we were in a similr situation when we had a young child---time and money were at a premium and no family around.

A group of us parents formed a babysitting club---we swapped off babysitting time. We kept a record of the time and number of kids we kept and we traded off---takes a little cooperating and planning---but works super! No one had to pay, we all got breaks and good friendships were formed in lieu of family being around.

Look around in your neighberhood---church----co-workers---you do need to know the people ---do not want to leave you kiddos with anyone--but they will have kids too (that's the whole premise)s0 a little easier to check out! Just a thoguht--might work and help!

Me--Mom of 2 and grandmother of three!

I so remember the day I called my girlfriend and guiltily asked "What about me?". My child was 18 months and although gaining independence - still required 24/7 care. I worked, my hubby worked crazy hours so I felt like a single mom who couldn't do anything well. My girlfriend gave me the best advice - in 6 months, everything will be different. The ages of your kids make me think that will really apply for you too, although having 3 freaks me out a bit! In any case, having light at the end of the tunnel was really helpful, and in the end she was absolutely right. It's like everything changes when the youngest hits around 2 years old. Hang in there and know there is relief soon. J.

I found myself in tears reading your cries for help. You are obviously in "burn out" and need to get away from your everyday life to be able to reflect and appreciate what your life has given you. Even though I have a big deadline and a fussy toddler at my legs at this moment I want to respond to your desperate need for a new inspiration in life.
Is there a neighbor, a friend, someone on this site that lives close to you that can come to your home and watch your children for just a couple of hours? You and your husband need to go to a river, lake, park...somewhere alone and talk about what blessings you have together as parents and as spouses. Also, a WONDERFUL book that has become a world wide inspiration Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle is more than just inspirational...it is a new way of thinking. I was a lost soul for many many years, a mother without a baby, a defective woman with no way of childbearing, 7 yrs of pain and surgeries to reconstruct what God gave me just to have a baby. Finally after multiple misscarrages My son was born and I found that faith in this life is really important. Attitude changes not just you but your family. What I am trying to say is...as we can take quiet moments to reflect...we find our life as American families is pretty darn good...IF you can't find anyone to help with your kids...ask your 14yr old to entertain while at a play park while you and your husband talk about your feelings and worries...

I don't know about you, but I have enjoyed reading all the advise given. There was one thing I didn't see, but then I skimmed over them quickly--What do you want the most? Do you want to have your family happy? Do you want to build your business? Do you want to be financially secure? ( The last one, you will NEVER accomplish even if you were to work 24/7.) What would your financial situation look like if you were to scale back your business? How much have you talked with your husband about this? Note: hubby usually likes to have problems to solve, so go to him with options. Do you go to church? How involved are you there? List what your life is like and list what you would like it to look like then the 2 of you come up with a plan. Life is never perfect, children are always "going through a phase", but how you react to your situation shows your character. Blessings

Hi. Although I don't work and have two kids under 4 yrs old, I am in your same boat. It started with postpartum with my first child then got better for a while but then returned with the birth of my second child and seemed to get worse over the last year. My joy was gone. Not telling you that you should do this, but I went to my general family doctor who prescribed an antidepressant. And being on meds has really helped lift my spirits and be able to handle the stress of the dirty house, poopy diapers, sleepless nights, husband working a lot, no family to help out, etc. At least it makes me a little less stressed so that my family can better enjoy me when they are with me. No one is happy if MOMMY isn't happy. Also started going to a bible study during this hard time, being around other women, children are in the church nursery, talking about how GREAT GOD is through the messy times, it really helps. So hang in there and know you aren't alone.

Hi,

I have been married for 12 years also, and have 3 girls. I went through a similiar phase like you are going through and it's really a buildup of issues, like you mentioned. For me, I found that prayer everyday really helped. I don't know if you're religious or not, but I was feeling like my life was purposeless and I was angry at myself for not being able to get out of the "rut" of miserableness. So I began praying to God and asking Him to show me how to get my life together. I changed careers (took about 6 months to do), started exercising regularly, and allowed for something to look forward to everyday, even if it was sitting on the porch at dawn when everyone was still asleep. It also sounds like you and your hubby need to talk and come up with a plan together. For me, leaving the kids with my husband for 2 hours on a Saturday or Sunday worked. It helped me deal with the bitterness I was feeling towards my hubby, who also seemed distant and of no help at the time. I'd just get in the car and go where my heart told me, even if it was just going to the library and reading magazines! It sounds like your really stressed. Ask yourself what's most important in your life now and what actually needs to be most important in your life now...see if the answers gel. Also, remember that we all go through seasons in our marriages and seasons in our lives that won't last forever. You have small kids and a business and realistically, that's stressful in and of itself. Have dates at home when the kids are asleep. Light some candles (dollar store) and make a cheap dessert and just talk to your hubby about anything except the kids or bills. Anyway, I hope this helps a bit.

E.---I have been in your shoes...back in Oct. of last year. I am a WAHM with 4 little ones. I was in a downward spiral myself. What helped me snap out of it, was the following...I hope it will help you as well.

#1--Are you in church? This is huge. You need to be surrounded by positive, uplifting people. Jesus will love you like no one else will. Prayer and bible reading time everyday...even if it is just 5 min. Try to do this before you get out of bed.
www.needhim.org

#2--I made an appt. to talk to my pastor, whom I trust, to talk to. He sat and listened, and listened, and listened. I think I was there for 2+ hours w/ a 1 yo. in tow. He gave me some great advise. Most of all, I just felt so much better talking to someone. Just getting it all off my chest.

#3--Another thing I did was figure out my "WHY". WHY am I doing what I am doing? Basically, what do I want to accomplish for me, and for my family. It finally dawned on me...my WHY is that I wanted/needed to send my kiddos to a private Christian school and become debt-free. Once I figured out my WHY, I then could figure out a plan of action to get there. I no longer dread my job, but love it and work 10 times harder at it. I have a great goal to achieve.

#4--I spoke with my dr. I told him how I was feeling. That I was about to explode. That I was very frustrated. Very sad....Anyway, I am now taking an anti-depressent/anxiety pill. I have to tell you, I was very nervous about taking something like this. I prayed about it, talked w/ many friends, my husband, and even my pastor before deciding to take it. It has now been about 9 months since I started taking my pill, and I am a totally different person. I am happy, and the little things that used to drive me crazy, no longer do. Even my husband (who was the most against me taking something) just said last night, that yes, the medicine has helped me a lot. I am a huge fan of it!

#5--You and your husband need to read Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. Changed our lives. We no longer stress about money. We no longer fight about money. It gave us hope on getting out of debt. We should be there in about 6 months! Plus, now, I have a little $$ for me to do what I want to do...just $20 bucks a month...but I get to choose. Want to know more about Dave Ramsey? He is on the radio everyday from 1-4PM on 570AM in Dallas or check out his website at www.daveramsey.com. CHANGED OUR LIVES!!!

#6--I recommend talking to your husband about some alone time for you by yourself and for you and your hubby. We cannot afford a babysitter either and then try to go do something. So, what we do, is trade out babysitting with friends. We will watch their kiddos, while they go out. Then they will watch ours while we go out. Another thing you can do, is do the same thing with your husband. He stays home with the kids while you go out with girls, and vice versa. It has really helped us. Plus, when you go out, it doesn't have to be fancy...just being together w/out the kids is powerful. Me, on "my time" sometimes is just going to the grocery store w/out 4 kiddos in tow is what I need and want.

#7--Exercise! I know...when do you have time right? But, it really does the body good. You will feel better. You will sleep better. It will release your body's natural mood boosters.

#8--Eat right and be sure to get 8 hours of sleep. Enough said.

Well, I hope this helps. It truely helped me. I am a totally different woman than I was 9 months ago. All of the above has truely helped me.

Many blessings,

G.

You are doing great if you have your own business and 3 kids.

At this stage in your life, I understand that it is hard to find time to yourself. If at all possible, try to put the kids to bed early (20 or 30 minutes) and just take a bath. Time for yourself does not necessarily have to mean that you GO anywhere or SPEND money. It just means getting some time without the kids. I simply enjoy setting the timer on my TV (so it does not wake me up at 3 am with the suddenly loud commercials) and falling asleep watching a movie with my hubby.

If you know of another mom who can trade babysitting, this will save you money in the long run. I agree that you should get to know your neighbors: "borrow an egg" (in other words: initiate meeting them by creating a need to go to their door. Say something like "do you know a good dentist/vet/etc?" or "I made too much caserole to fit my pan, so I made a smaller one for you." Get them to talk to you.

Set an alarm to go off in your house at about 4:00 (or whatever time works for you) every day. When it goes off, hit snooze and start picking up toys while saying, "It's time to clean up for daddy. Let's clean up so daddy will come home to a beautiful house." (Whatever will let the kids know what you are doing and maybe entice them to help. If they don't, it's okay.) When the snooze alarm goes off, STOP. It's amazing what you can get done in just 9 minutes if you are focusing on just one task (this is called a "sweep").

You can also do a "sweep" of other things in your home. Get the kids busy with a task (playing, watching a video, naptime, etc.) and set a timer for yourself to focus on cleaning/straightening/picking up a certain area of the house. No longer than 20 minutes or (A) the kids will get bored with what they are doing and you won't get anything done OR (B) YOU will get bored with what you are doing and feel that it is too much of a burden than a help. LOL

I hope this is the advice you were looking for.

Blessings in all that you do (you seem to wear many hats).

P. <><

E.,
I know exactly how you feel, I have said those exact words. I have 4 kids, 6 years apart and there have been many times I have wanted to just keep on driving. Husbands don't understand this, they are programmed to believe that all women think motherhood is the "end all be all" of female life. I have tried every way to describe this feeling to my husband and he just doesn't get it and we have a great relationship.
Okay, now for a few tips and mind you, I still have many days of feeling completely sad and lonely without any hope of rescue, however, those days are getting less and a few things have helped, besides my kids getting older. For immediate sanity, get over having a clean house. Picked up is good enough for now and if neigbors or family don't understand, don't be around those that make you feel worse. That part is important, as Oprah says, give up all people who pull you down and make you feel bad about yourself. If this includes your husband, then limit conversation if negatives are going to flow out of your mouth, stick to absolutes and the weather. Now, to put a smile on your face, grab a beer, turn on the radio and just sit and watch your kids dance around. Non-productive, but amusing and fun really lightens up the mood of the house. Because even though your kids are small, they can pick up on the tension. If possible, after videotaping the show, use this time to pick up the clutter. Make it a game and see who can put the most away before the song ends. Also, I have found that it helps to spend as little time as possible at home. Sounds weird, but less time to dirty it up and less time sitting in a dirty house that depresses you. Try free activities: the library, park, play areas, sporting events, even outside your own home with balls or sidewalk chalk, anything but sitting inside your house, yelling at your kids and feeling bad about yourself. Alone time is key, without your spouse. Swap nights out with him, it helps you and him and you don't have to pay for a sitter. Barnes and Noble is a great place to feel adult or hit a feel good movie, use the dollar theatres for cheap tickets. Feel okay to go alone, it really helps open up your mind. Another thing, try a physical, with blood work, you could be having an issue with vitamin or hormone levels. I take a daily schedule of multivitamin, omegas and calcium, also, I just added vitaminD because I heard most women are really deficient, and I can already see a difference in my mood.
Well, I hope some of this helps. This is a subject that noone talks about, but most mothers feel. I call it the dark side. It really helps to try to lighten up and not take things too seriously. Your kids will not remember if the toilet had scuzz on it, they will remember you laughing all the time and making them feel important. I have to remind myself of this EVERY day, because I too am still working on remembering the important things, my health, healthy kids and cheesey, reality t.v., lol. Good luck and feel strong.

Do you have any skills you can barter? I have a friend who lives on virtually no money and full-time bartering. She is a shiatsu practitioner and exchanges shiatsu for childcare, organic food, etc. I see you have your own business and am wondering if that might work for you. And like others have suggested, what about forming a babysitting co-op where you exchange care with another mom or two and get one night off a month for a date night with your husband? My husband and I have been working hard to find little breaks of joy in our day -- getting up early and sharing a quiet moment together a few days a week, and we started text messaging little notes during the day .. big pick me up and way more romantic than talking about our day on the phone ;) We also belong to a super cheap gym (26.00 a month total for the two of us!) with child care -- way, way cheaper than a babysitter and it could give you some time alone or as a couple -- even if on a treadmill watching CNN side by side.

I had miserable situations in my life too, everybody does, I guess. I want to share with you how It turned for me, maybe you'll find it helpful.

One time I was consumed by my work so much that it wears me way to much and I was miserable. I was seeking solution, like you. It came to me @ my haircut appointment. This guy, who had bunch of crap in his life was amazing while he was cutting peoples hair. He fully enjoyed the process, was dissolved in it and every haircut was masterpiece. It was an eye opening for me. I understand at that moment how to enjoy what I'm doing, doesn't matter what, every routine become unpleasant from work to cooking. Perspective is the key. I tell myself if I can't change it, I better learn how to enjoy it. And I did. I was cleaning houses at that time. Surprisingly, it wasn't hard to turn "on" the "switch" at all, I did what I always did but with ease, not waiting to the end, not planning what I need to do after, but give 100% of me in the moment. I was listening Caroline Myss for a while by then, while I was driving, I should credit her for explaining fundamentals, and when time was right (I was mentally ready) it just naturally falls into place.

We are all very easy take for granted everything we have. I remind myself when I'm not feeling to do something, if I wouldn't be able to do that tomorrow, all I would wish for to do that - what I don't really want to do today.

Grass is greener on other side, right? Do you know how many people would want what you have? 3 children, husband you are so fortunate!!! There will be time though, when children grown up and you'll wish that you could enjoy them more back in time. Well that time is now. Take your chance and enjoy as much as you can, sins nothing is forever...

yep, you need support! This is the toughest job in the world and don't ever let anyone tell you different. When those good old boys get together and talk about how hard this or that job is you just laugh and know that they will neve know what a hard job really is. If they don't do that job well they won't see the results in 10 or 20 years but you will. The job you do now will be the job your children do with your precious grandchildren years from now if you stick to it and find some joy everyday in the little things and don't sweat the small stuff you can eek it out. I know it doesn't seem like much joy but all you need it enough to see you through today. I won't tell you to make your husband help more (mine didn't) or that not having family around doesn't make a difference (I didn't have that either) because all in all you can't do anything about those things. You can only make sure that you do the right things. Don't jump on that Harley because you would be selling yourself short and you are better than that. Yep, some man would do that but you are a woman, and a darn tough one at that. You don't have a busness and have 3 kids without being a tough cookie. I didn't have the money to have all the manacures and stuff either. I learned to value other things and to treat myself in other ways. Get up every morning and tell that girl in the mirror I admire her! There will come a day when (as the Bible says) her children will rise up and call her blessed!
Find a good church, go to the library (its free) find a good, funny book or a self help book, take those screaming babies to the park, find a play group or a moms group (there are more Moms out there like you than you could ever believe) and remember they won't be babies forever and there will be a time when you can have more time for you but not now. Chin up, MOM!
Been There, Done that and survived!
B.

First, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way....I think its pretty common for most mom's especially during these early years. I completely understand the money thing. We've basically been on a bare-bones budget for about 4 years now. Unlike you though, I have family around, so we do get a date pretty often and my husband is not so stressed at work so he's pretty open to looking after the kids in the evenings. I have 2 thoughts for you:

1) Do you have any girlfriends that you can swap babysitting with? I had a girlsfriend that I did this with and it was so great. Everyother week I would go and watch her kids at about 6:30-7PM until 10:30 and she would do the same for me on the off week. If that is too much you could do it twice a month, one hers and one yours. As for the date, take a picnic to the park, get coffee at Barnes and Noble and look at books together. If you live in Dallas, the Nasher sculpture center is free on Thursday nights. (see I am the expert at cheap dates)

2)A girls night idea: what if you found a friend whose husband travels a lot, or just doesn;t mind you coming over.... and went over to her house after the kids were in bed and watched your favorite TV show together? You bring brownies, she makes coffee, or chips and queso with a margharita?

Just a couple thoughts. Hang in there, its tough but I know you can do it. Don't forget to reach out to your friends, like you are doing now. Sometimes just hearing a friend's voice can be so comforting. Hugs!

E.,
I ache for you! However, this is YOUR life. You can either wake up and feel the weight of it all on your shoulders, or you can wake up and say "I am alive, and I have a beautiful family, and a wonderful husband, and I am thankful for..." It takes practice....a lot...but it will become routine to see all that you DO have. Some days you may be thankful that you lived through the night! Other days you will be grateful for a cool front that allows you to turn the AC off and save that money for a day...or that the milk lasted one extra day after its expiration...or that everyone got up and dressed and ready for church on time :) But once you are able to focus on the blessings, you really begin to see it ALL as a blessing!
I recall a time when I had $6.34 left for the last week of my monthly budget. Our daughter's formula was $6.99 and I was out...what to do??? Admit to hubby I needed more money AGAIN this month? I could not work because he travelled ALL the time with his job. It was not great. But today, I am an empty nester and would KILL to live those days over again with my babies in my arms just loving on them and soaking up every minute I had!! You WILL get through this time...the question is will you look back and regret the way you spent your days, or will you make the MOST of these days and have fond memories?

I know it probably sounds dumb, but someone once told me, "Fake it till you make it." It seems terrible to fake being happy, but I'll tell you, it actually works! Even if you don't feel happy, put on a smile. Make yourself say "happy things" and eventually, you'll actually start feeling them. Also, I'd suggest looking at your schedule and seeing if there was anything you could cut out to make time for game night, baking night, whatever once a week. Spending time doing something fun together and not worrying about cleaning the house or getting anywhere could help you relax. Last but certainly not least, do you have a personal relationship with Jesus? If not, I urge you to check it out. The peace that comes from knowing that your soul is eternally protected and secure, and knowing you have a Heavenly Father who is preparing a place for you with Him often given me the hope I need to get through the day. Finding a little time to pray can help you release any negative stuff from the day to God and draw on His strength to carry on. Just some things to think about. Good Luck!

Sweet girl!
I hear ya, I have 4 w/ #5 on the way and work 2-3 jobs and my dh works 2. SOmetimes I think we dont actually talkt to each other fro a few days!

Have you tried a babysitting co-op? My friends and I take turns watching everyones kids so mom and dad can have some time off. so once a month we get a night out. I only have a sister and hse is single and in college so I understand not having family. Its such a bummer :o)

Are you involved in a church? SOme of them have free child care for a couple of hours ona Friday evening every now and then, We always take advantage of THAT! Icertainly cannot afford a babysitter either!

There are days when I feel like I am invisible. I am only hands that make lunch, wipe tushies and put on bandaids. I am hands that wash work clothes and vacuum the house. SOmetimes I forget there is a WOMAN attached to those hands. And then I breathe very deeply, lock myself in the bathroom closet for 10 minutes and remember that all to soon, those little tushies will be driving and not interested in me anymore. They will grow to fast. Its these times I turn on the sprinkler, get messy with popsicles and LAUGH!!!!

there is a great resource here in Dallas for moms, groups and such that do things on the super cheap--not sure if I can list it here so email me privatley and I'll get it to you!

From one hardworking mamma to another..Hang in there Chickie!!!!

K.
Mom to :
Sam-15
Ben-13
Kloie-4
Sophie- 2
Lil Pumpkin due Oct 31!

Hi E.! I too have felt this way before and have found a couple of things that worked for me. I had never been much for schedules but found that when I ran my household on a schedule I was much happier. For instance....breakfast, play, outing, lunch, nap, play, dinner, bath, books, and bed - EARLY! I knew what to expect, the kids knew what to expect and by getting the kids down early there was still time for me and I didn't feel guilty for enjoying it because I had engaged with my children during the day yet knew that I had something to look forward too which helped keep me happy throughout the day. Instead of babysitters, we just had late night "dates". The kids have something quick & easy and hubby brings home dinner. Or just stay up and watch a grown up movie together, a good massage, bubblebath or just a special dessert...cheap things! Little things that can bring you closer together and help you remember that love that brought those three beautiful blessings into your life. For me it is little phone calls or texts from my husband during the day the help keep me sane. I find joy in knowing that I'm not alone, that we are a team. It definitely takes time but there is so much around us to find joy in. We just have to train ourselves how we are going to choose to act or react in situations and make the best of it by being positive. I think our children sense when we aren't happy and vise versa and behave better when we are happy. I have learned that when I am super stressed or just want to scream that mommies need time outs too every now and then to calm down and regroup. Another suggestion would be to find purpose in your own life. A church is a wonderful idea that can bring spirituality and a social aspect. We all need friends and playmates. I wish you all the best!
Happiness is not a destination, it is a method of traveling!

Hi E.,

I was certainly in your situation a few years ago. I will say we have all come through it, but it did seem like there was no end. I fought the whole "not having my own life" for so long, that now I realize I missed so many "moments" with my family. Sometimes now when I look back at pictures of my kids as toddlers, I regret not trying to enjoy it more. Think back to the reasons you had children in the first place, and reconnect with that. I know you hear it a hundred times a day, but they grow up so fast, and you never get those moments back. So what if the house is a mess, the laundry is piling up, and you have pb&j or cereal for dinner! Laughing and playing with your family is the best cure! Let it go and enjoy what you have right now! Talk to your husband and explain that this is life right now, you can choose to enjoy it, or you can be miserable and end up regretting. It's not YOUR responsibility to make sure your adult husband is happy, that has to come from within him. Of course you can be a good friend and partner to him, give him understanding and help him when you can, but you can't make him feel anything he doesn't feel on his own. The old saying is true "If momma ain't happy, nobody's happy!" Set early bed times, have the kids help (I promise, they LOVE helping when it makes you smile and you tell them how happy they made you) with small things, and spend quality time (doesn't take much sometimes) with your family! Take your time, what are you in a hurry for, it's not a race, and you might miss something if you go too fast!
Keep Smiling!
S.

E.,
you've gotten some awesome advice so far. My husband and I have also found ourselves in the "all work and no play" rut. It's miserable for everyone. And you know the saying "when mama ain't happy nobody's happy" that certainly holds true in our household. One thing that you could try is to form a babysitting co-op with some of your friends. rotate turns through the group so that once a month every couple gets a date night and your trusted friends watch the kids. You could also do a play date during the day and then go to lunch and movie etc with your hubby. This would be less expensive and not as challenging with bedtimes etc. Something else that my dh and I do is put the kids down and then eat dinner together without kids!! its amazing how much you actually talk to eachother when there aren't kids interrupting. we then will order a movie on PPV or watch one that we already have. popcorn and candy and it's way better than a theater. I would also recommend joining a MOPS group. I see that you have your own business and I'm not sure what flexiblity you have with your hours but most MOPS groups meet 1-2 times a month on Mondays in the morning. Its an amazing opportunity to meet other women with kids the same age as yours, do crafts, hear speakers and be a part of a christian organization. you can go to www.mops.org and type in your zip code. I'm in Hand in Hand MOPS at Trinity Presbyterian Church. You don't have to belong to Trinity to go to MOPS there. I hope this has given you some ideas. Just remember, you're not alone! If you're in the Mckinney area pm and maybe we can figure something out:-} M.

Like many of the other ladies that wrote in I've been in a similar situation with 3 kids under 5. I survived and the oldest is now 15. I just wanted to add a little to the great advice you have already gotten.
Looking back on those days my advice would be to make sure you have realistic expectations. I wanted to be super mom like I thought everyone else was. I thought I was suppose to have a clean house, clean children, and home cooked meals as well as being responsible for everyone else's happiness. You will find that the only one you can make happy is yourself. The world and people around you will seem to put a lot of expectations on you and most of us being overly responsible will try to meet them. I read a great book called BOUNDARIES which you can find on line or at a Christian bookstore. It talks about how most women take responsibility that is not theirs and end up hurting themselves. After reading the book, I began to realize that children and husbands need to be responsible for themselves. They will complain a lot at first, because we all like being taken care of, but they will be healthier and happier in the long run. So if you are like I was, you may need to lower your expections of what you need to accomplish and raise those for your husband and children.
I know that setting boundaries is easier said than done and I still have to preach this sermon to myself everyday.
Believe it or not, you will survive and look back thinking I wish I'd spent more time hugging my kids and playing with them in the middle of the mess that they loved.
Best Wishes.

Save your money change. When you get x-amount of change, have a date night. It does not have to be movies/out to eat... it can be a snow cone/ice cream in the park... long walk ... bike ride... to the Half Price Bookstore, Dallas Museum of Arts...

Get involved in a local church. Sometimes churches have a "date" night where the children are left on a Friday evening for x-amount of hours so the parents can go do whatever. Also churches have youth groups/support groups for various ages.

Put the children to bed early at a consistent time.

Do you have to work? If you can work part-time like if the husband will watch the children x-amount of hours in the evenings this will save in babysitting ie day care cost.

Tell husband to pitch in and help. It takes two to "make" a child and if he was in agreement to have children, then he should be in agreement to assist you.

Something else... Once a week, sit down and figure out meals. Go on-line and check out quick recipes under Ladies Home Journal, Martha Stewart, Betty Crocker...

Have four separte laundry baskets. One = white; two = towels/jeans three = work clothes four = play clothes. Light weight clothes ie sheets can be worked in ... This way you can dump the items into the washer without having to stand there and sort for twenty-thirty-forty... minutes.

Hang in there.

How we feel is not always how things really are. I often have to purpose to "count my blessings" and be thankful for the basics... an employed/hard-working husband, healthy children, a house (dirty or not!), left-overs in the fridge (abundance!) etc.

For a change of surroundings and a little "mommy" time, I recommend a MOPS or Church mom's group. If you are in the Arlington area, I recommend High Point Church MOPS (http://www.highpointchurch.com). They have a semester starting in September. For small $ the kids are in childcare while you get 2 hours of adult time with other moms.

Getting up before the kids do, to shower and dress always makes the day go better. And an 8:00 pm bed time allows adult time at the end of the day for reconnecting with hubby or just doing something that I enjoy for an uninterrupted hour or two.

I'm finding that we all go through different stages and balancing mommy, wife and woman is not easy, but this is only for a season. Hang in there!

Hi there, you've already gotten some awesome advice and I'm sure you'll get even more. I've definitely been exactly where you are now (but with one less kid than you have). I don't own my own business, but am in a very demanding job which I love. We adopted our two kids when they were young babies (both at the same time), and there were days at the beginning where I would look in the mirror and ask myself "who is this person cause it's certainly not me". I've always been a runner, and I suddenly had zero time to use the bathroom, much less go out for a run. Even though work was an escape from the constant demands of the kids, I was so exhausted that it didn't bring me the same level of joy it had before. Once I finally go to the point you're in now, I went back to forcing myself to find time to run. Hard exercise does wonders for your body, soul, spirit, mood....and it really helps you think more clearly. Many of my friends find the same type of results through yoga. My kids are now ages 3.5 and 4, and I still have to get creative to find time to run, between being a mom & wife and working full time. Sometimes I block an hour in my work calender at lunch, sometimes I get up at 5am, sometimes I do it once the kids are down...but the point is that I acknowledge that it's something very important to me, and that I'll be a better mom, wife, person in general if I stay committed to it. This has made all the difference in the world for me. Best wishes to you, and know you are not alone!

My advice is pretty much like most of the other's, I do swich off with my friend on the datenight thing. My husband and I also trade off. You don't need any money to go to Barns N Noble and sit for a while, or window shop. Have your husband take the kids to the park for a while (pack them a picnic) and just be at home. I also do agree you need to connect with your spritual side, I'm still kinda struggling with that, but baby steps is working for me with that. I'm sorry I have no devine words that will change everything over night, I just wanted to give you some support, cause I know where your coming from; and yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just try to focus on all the good that is in your life. Write it down if you have to and look at it every day maybe add to it as you go. Remember life is not measured by the number of breaths you've taken but by the number of times it's taken away.

Hi E.,

I understand. We moved to Texas when I was pregnant with #2 and #1 was 18 months old. I really had a break with reality towards the end of my pregnancy and my husband was thankfully able to take some time off work. That's not possible for everyone, so here are some other ideas.

This one sounds really corny, but it has gotten me through a lot of bad days. When I am upset about cleaning the dishes, scrubbing the toilet, cleaning up poop, trying to get dinner together, etc. I take a deep breath and think, "I am blessed to have dishes to clean and food that was on the dishes to make them dirty. I am grateful that my kids are learning to use the toilet, even when they miss. I am grateful that I have a refrigerator full of food to try to put something together for dinner." You get the idea. It is really quite silly and hokey, and the first few times, it doesn't do anything to improve your mood, but it starts working and creeping into your thoughts every day.

I'm sure you don't have time for reading books, so why not subscribe to an email list of encouraging words? If you like reading scripture, you can find one for that. Or any other thing you like. Here is one of my favorite sites with all kinds of discussion boards, links, etc. http://www.beliefnet.com/

Peace and Joy to you and your family. Start finding joy in what is already around you and don't go looking for it.

M.

First of all, what you are feeling is perfectly normal and expected. Every mother feels this way. Hang in there, we're pulling for you.
When I had my first my mom warned me that there would be days when I wanted to throw everything in the house, people included, out the window. I didn't really believe her but she was right.
I would suggest finding at least one other mom that you can vent with. I know it seems silly to suggest adding one more thing to your crazy schedule but just having a peer to talk to makes all the difference. Our grandmothers and moms had something with the gossip over the back fence that we miss out on. Don't get isolated.
On the "business" end, sit down with your husband and ask him what your family priorities can be. Is it more important to you guys to clean house, or play together, or just have pizza and movie night and enjoy the kids or (I definitely recommend a )date night. Take back the control and start planning some fun in. Don't worry, work and cleaning will always be there. People are the fleeting things.

I am sorry. I've been there. One of my lifesavers was meeting a mom with kids of similar ages. My best friend and I met at the park. We just struck up a conversation, the kids hit it off and we have stayed close ever since. I also was in an area with no family. My husband was never around because of work and I worked. It can feel like you are on a hamster wheel. Hang in there and if you can't get out by yourself or with your husband alone. Take the time after the kids are put down or before they get up to have quiet time. A little each day will work wonders. You could also trade babysitting time with a friend. That way you avoid the high cost of babysitters and help each other out. It can be tough. I think also when your kids are that young, it is like being on call 24/7. Many husbands do not get this. When they come home from work, it is over. When you come home from work, you just switch hats and continue working. Make sure you are having this conversation with your husband as well. Good luck.

This will not be a popular opinion, but I'm going to throw it out there anyway. I think that instead of trying to find time for yourself, you should find time for your family, to be a mom and a wife. You're unhappy, your kids and husband are unhappy...can you find a way to take some time off of work (perhaps permanently? ;) ) and focus on the family. And please please don't think I'm saying you have to sacrifice yourself and your happiness, blah blah blah. That's not it at all. I'd bet you'd find that everything would just be so much easier and more joyous and when everything falls into place, you suddenly are happy and you do have time todo things you like.

A couple of GREAT books I read when I was dealing with the decision to return to work vs staying home was To Hell With All That by Caitlin Flanagan and I Don't Know How She Does It by Allison Pearson.

You can't do it all (cue the boos now, I know). Can't be done. You'll be miserable, your family will be miserable. It's a huge decision, but I think you'll find that once you allow yourself to realize that, things will be so much better.

Dear E.,
When I read your story, I felt for you & the feelings of
joylessness you are experiencing right now.
I'm not working at the moment and I feel that God has given me extra time on my hands in this season of my life to reach out to hurting women. With that in mind, I would like to offer you my free babysitting services one night a month so you can have some "me" time...either alone or with your husband. It's hard to give, when you yourself are empty.
Of course, I'm sure you'd want to meet me so that you can see I'm not a psycho! A little about me: I'm a 51 yr old Christian woman, former Pk school teacher with FWISD, and currently coordinating The Hannah Group(a support group offering loving support for women who've experienced infertility & for those who've experienced miscarriage.) I
also work with a wonderful group called Rachel's Vineyard, who
offer hope & love to post-abortive women who are experiencing sadness &/or trauma due to their abortion experience(s).

There is a possibility I may go back to work sometime in the future, but until then, again I will be more than happy to be
God's love extended to you in the form of complimentary
babysitting once-a-month.
Feel free to contact me at: ____@____.com.
I'll be praying for you!

Love & Blessings,
C.

P.S. I've heard of babysitting co-ops where women take turn
watching each other's children, so no money changes hands. You might want to check into this, or start one of your own
if you know women you can trust that have this same need as you.

Hello E.,

It sounds like you are overwhelmed -- and rightly so. Can you work our a trade time with another family, you take their kids for 24 hours, then next week/weekend they take your kids for 24 hours. It would allow you time to clean house, take a nap, spend desperately needed time with your dh, maybe soak in a hot bath. I remember those days also, and just longing to spend time with my husband or by myself.

Also, for about 20 years now, my husband and I trade a nightly foot rub -- usually while we watch the 10 pm news, 5 - 10 minutes per foot, after showers, of course. It is heavenly, conducive to good sleep, and it has brought us closer, as we have serious and frivilous talks. Study a bit of reflexology also, it is very interesting and healthful.

Best wishes,
A. - Mother of 2, grandmother of 2, married 34 years

When my son was 3 and my daughter was a newborn, I was convinced that I would never have fun again. My husband was working (24/7 pager duty) and going to school at night. I felt doomed to a life with no personal crafts, no date nights, etc.

First of all, let me assure you that it does get better. The kids get older and can play together and go to the bathroom themselves and you can have a few moments of peace and quiet. Also, you can teach them things like how to do laundry and free up even more time!

One idea we used for a while was trading date nights with a friend. They had two kids about the same age as ours. We took odd months, they took even. We did early dates and just for a few hours, so we were back to get them in time for bed. Whoever was babysitting did dinner and got everyone in their PJs.

It took a few of these dates for us (okay, me) to stop talking about the kids and to find other topics, but it was worth the effort.

I would also recommend looking at a local church -- they often have moms groups or other activities that provide spiritual support and childcare. I also ended up joining a gym -- classes got me out and active and meeting similar people, and my kids love the play area there.

Take heart -- it does get better -- I even had time to type this on the computer at one sitting! (My kids are 7 and 4 now.)

Hi E.:

Any way you could trade kid care with a neighbor or friend? Even a three hour break with your husband (you could go to Studio Movie Grill - getting dinner and a movie all at once) makes all the difference in the world. My husband also works a lot and we have two boys. I know I start going mad when it's been so long that I haven't even been able to complete a thought without being interupted!

And since your husband works a lot, maybe you could try having the 'other' kids at your house while he is gone, so it isn't another stressor for him. Same thing here. My husband does not like to come home to extra kids in the house after working so much.

I so feel your pain. I have been there and I know it isn't going to stop any time soon. Until they are all in school, WE are their best friend, mommy, daddy and playmate!

Good luck!

E.,
I remember those days... even though I didn't have 3 small children at the same time.
But you live through it.... mine are now 42 and 48.... and delightful adults!
Remember MY advise and comments come from an Old fashioned mother, a stay at home! How you young ladies squeeze all into your days are beyond me!
When a couple has children, there are TWO people involved... the mother and the daddy. That partnership should continue not only through the beginning of the baby's life... but all through that child's life! Including everything! Yes... I know HE works... but so do you!
What OUR generation did, some workers, some stay at home moms.. and little money to go around... was form a baby-sitting club. About 50 members if I recall. We traded hours and it was all kept in a book by the secretary! At first we used cards to trade, each mother getting so many cards to begin. So one could not GET services, unless one GAVE services. And you did not have to sit if you didn't like to sit with BABIES! Some mothers WANTED to sit with BABIES,,... as her children were older!
==============
Find joy and help someplace! All too soon, they will be grown up and gone. Do you sit and read or sing with them?
Do that now.... while you have some control over them.
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Our children WANT to please us IF they are trained properly and early. We made a game of taking off clothes before baths, and putting them into the basket. They never left clothes on the floor in bed or bathrooms! I was THERE with them... I didn't SEND them. (NOW.... I take NO responsibility for the mounds of clothes on my daughter's (age 48) floor!) Your Jack and even Jonah could help pick up and KEEP the house straight! To say nothing of good old DAD!
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How about fixing dinner to be ready when Dad gets home... table all set, serve dinner with kids in place, and then YOU go to the bathroom, lock the door and soak in a bubbly tub while THEY eat dinner? LOCK the door, put in ear plugs or turn on your favorite music and enjoy 30 minutes alone! And do this once a week! ya know... THEY will live and get over it! and YOU will be nicer to live with! I'll skip the advice that was given when I was a young wife... appear at the door in the evening when your husband arrives home, all wrapped in saran wrap! I heard THAT backfired!
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Enough.... my views ARE old fashioned. "You train up a child in the way they will go".... works wonders for everything in life!
D.

Ok - so in reading your message I must say - I think alot of us moms have been there in some way shape or form. But, my favorite thing to hear you say is - just wanting to jump on the back of a harley a go! I moved back here from Chicago (after living there 15 years!) and was 28 - and knew no one - other than family I hadn't been around in 15 years!!! In Chicago - every weekend I was riding with my friends!!!! I relate to that so much more than you know!!! My Dad & step mom live in McKinney - so maybe we can go to the park sometime....I also don't live far....anytime girl - anytime! It will get better...just pray - I agree that church time can also be a huge key in your journey.

Hi E.! I am a mom of 3, been married for 10 years as of today. I KNOW how you feel! I've been there. My lowest is we had just bought a new house, Lily was 3 and Emma and Gracie were 16 mons. Then my husbands fater passed. And he has always ben overwhelmed by 3 kids needing attenion. I wasn't sure that we were going to make it. I ended up telling him how I felt. And he shared a little. He tried. And that was 4 years ago. We have patches and I don't think there is an end. But there is. I have to make date night arrangements after the girls have gone to bed. We watch a movie together and eat some ice cream. You have to try to figure out what will work for both of you...and ask for his input. I guess what I'm saying is...there is a light at the end. You are not alone :) !!!!!

I'm sure you feel better already from the outpouring of support and encouragement you have received! I won't repeat what many moms have already shared, but I will suggest you visit www.flylady.net to help get your house running more smoothly. That's a good start & a tidy house makes a happier mommy! Make sure your older kids help around the house. They are old enough!

I have 4 kids (9, 7, 4, & 1), so I know where you are.

Best wishes...

Have you considered getting a "mother's helper" for a few days a week or after school My daughter that is 11 is doing this as much she can during the summer. This is to where it gives you a break and you know they are taken care of but a lot of the load is off you to do what you need to do. The helper will play games or whatever with them just to give you some time. I know she is charging $2 an hour or less but you might not get that good of deal around there. We are from Royse City and have an aunt in Princeton. She might could give you some suggestions for reliable girls.

You and your husband will just (have) to make a date night, once in awhile, if it is only staying home & fixing something sepcial you both like, or just a special fruit drink etc. after the kids are in bed. If you don't find or make time for each other, that's when people grow apart and all the dreams of marriage & kids don't come true. I know how hard it is, I had four, but they grow up so fast, just try to enjoy them, and not let little things or housework stress you. You might find a friend or neighbor that you can trade babysitting with for a couple hours once a month for a time together, and we used to visit firends with kids or go on picknick together and this was a relaxing time out, the kids played and we had a social time with the parents. Is there any way that jusst until thi kids were in school, that you could not work. A full time job with kids your age is a big stress in itself, and if you just had the house hold, and kids to take care of for a few years, you would have time to (great) your husband and have the evenings with family and each other, and when you both work, then it is work again at end of day. Sometimes when you put pencil to it, a person doesn't make that much more if their work takes much out for car, clothes, and such. Just a suggestion.

A person's trash is be someone else's treasure. It is all in the perspective. That is how I see it. Thanks for posting this - I loved reading the responses. I've been seating here 2 hours experiencing a wide range of emotions as I read the responses. Truth is we are definitively social beings who need other people. May God bless your little people and your man as you support him in every way.

E.,

I am not in your exact situation, I only have one son who is 3 months old. I am not sure where you are located, but some churches will offer "mothers day or night outs" they may charge of fee of like $2.00 of the day or night. This program allows parents to get time for themselves and each other. I understand that some people are anti-church, but these programs do not teach the bible to your child, they are just like a daycare for a few hours. I know here in Wichita Falls you do not have to be a member of the churches to use these programs some churches have them on Tuesdays other on Thursdays and so on. You might consider this as an option to at least have some "you" time. I hope you find a way to make things work for your family and you.

Even though I only had 2 boys seven years apart, I do know how you feel. #1 crock pots, the oven (even though it's summer), sandwiches, salads, and cooking way too much food so that left overs night is possible. #2 soak dishes for longer periods of time combined with paper plates, and making less mess by using one pot to cook a whole dinner (I put meat in a pan cook it then veggies then noodles with spices and/or alfredo sauce). #3 play dates for each of your kids and/or sleep overs. #4. Maintained living, like do away with things you don't really need and there will be less to clean. #5 use use crafts stuff for projects the kids will be happy to do and while they are doing that you can clean. Be creative. leave chores and take the kids to the park and put them to bed early. 30-60 minutes a night spent cleaning and in a week or 2 things will be cleaner. Remember that you will never (never) get this time with your kids back and you should really let what they say and think sink into your being. Praise the kids more and you will give yourself a gift you never expected. I really hope your hubby joins in, but if he doesn't then I still hope you get a lot out of your life and live with your kids instead of trying to get a way. Take time to have quiet time morning and night. I've been slowly changing my way of life since 2003 and I really think that I've never been happier. I find something about myself that I have a problem with and find a way to change slowly and without punishing myself. It's worked for me. Good luck. and God Bless You and Your Family

Hi E.. I really do feel for you and understand as I think we've all had those times. Your info about yourself says you have your own business-if that means you work out of your home and tend to your kids at the same time that would be really hard. If you work out of the home, would it be a financial possibility to stay home as I am sure you must be paying quite a bit for 3 kids in child care? That in a way may help you to find more fulfillment with stay at home mom type activities. Regardless of your answer, I ditto so many of the pieces of advice but also have some more. I have been clinically depressed before, and I wonder if that is something you may be experiencing. I encourage you to talk to your doctor about it-if you have not been on antidepressants before, they can be a huge help-it is nothing to feel bad about-stresses can influence the chemical activity in our brains which would lead to depression. Also, many family type experts out there believe that the husband and wife relationship should come first and then the kids should be a priority after that. Maybe if you felt more of a connection from your husband that would help. I wouldn't waste another second worrying about cleaning your house...I just view it as the last thing I really want to do, and then it will just have to be done again soon. All you can do is what you can do, and in the grand scheme of things, that is what I would let go. I agree with getting involved with a church, swapping a date night with friends (watching each other's kids), MOMS Club (McKinney has one), and MOPS (McKinney also has those at churches). If you attend church and are a believer, I really encourage you (I encourage you regardless) to pray to God about this and tell Him your feelings and frustrations and ask Him for help. He will intervene and be there for you. I would be happy to help you find a church in McKinney (I used to live in Allen) and talk to you about a relationship with Christ. Also, I am reading a book (when I can)-Kid CEO: How to keep your children from running your life by Ed Young (a pastor at a church in Grapevine). It is really good so far. One last thought, I started a neighborhood playground when I lived in Allen by putting an ad in our neighborhood newsletter, and it is made up of working moms, so we meet in the evenings. That may be an idea too. Please get in touch with me as I had be happy to expand on any of this-not that I have my life together-I have 2 youngs kids and I am a huge support to my parents who live nearby that have incredible health and as a result financial issues. It is tough. I have had so many hard days. Luckily my husband is supportive. Anyway, I will say a prayer for you and hope that things improve. ~A.

Hey E.!
I can totally understand that overwhelmed and under appreciated feeling. Mine are 13 and 17 - but when they were younger there were those moments- everyone has them- trust me. Babysitting gets real expensive- I would try and find a friend in a similar situation and barter for babysitting. Try to plan something on alternating weeks you watch her kids and visa versa- go out- have fun and get your foundation nice and sturdy so that you can handle all that is thrown at you.

You owe that time to yourself- and hey- maybe a girls weekend away may help-let hubby handle the kids and then let your hubby do the same.

By the way- what kind of business do you have?

Enjoy!

D.
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I am sorry for all the stress! I wish you luck!

Hi there, I'm a mommy of 3 kiddos, ages 4, 2, and 11 weeks. I can relate to the all work and no play thing- I definitely feel that way, too, sometimes. Here's a great book that I'm currently reading: "Passionate Housewives, Desperate for God". I know it sounds old fashioned, but it truly is possible to find fulfillment in serving your family. Not that you should be a doormat or never do anything for yourself!

When I find myself in a "poor me" rut, I just have to remind myself that all the self-pampering in the world isn't the answer to my "problems". Instead of focusing on myself and all the things I think I DON'T have, I try to focus on enjoying my family (my kids won't be babies forever, you know!), creating a welcome (although far from perfect) home, and keeping a joyful attitude in spite of dirty diapers (I have 2 in those, too), toy-cluttered rooms, and piles of dirty laundry. It's a daily process, that's for sure!! I mess up a lot. But I just pick myself up by the boot straps, ask the Lord for wisdom and strenth, and start again fresh the next day.

Don't lose heart- every mama has been where you're at!

K.
http://www.homemakerscottage.com

E.-
Wow! I can't even imagine trying to take care of a family AND work a full time job away from home- you are amazing!! I'm not sure what I can say that will make a difference, but I couldn't not respond. I am a stay at home mom of 5 children (16-son, 14-daughter, 11-son, 7-son, 6 month old-son) and all I can say is that it goes by too fast (I can't believe I have a son driving now). My husband is understanding when I need "time off"- so make sure you talk with your husband and keep those communication lines open. He may not know how you are feeling- a lot of men need to be told- they don't just know. :) Although I've never tried this, but I have a friend that takes a full weekend for herself every 6 months. She just goes to a hotel (local) by herself and treats herself to books by the poolside, naps, movies in the room, etc. and she's a new woman by the end of the weekend- ready to face anything. And it seems easier to face things when you have something to look forward to.

Hope this helps- I'll be praying for you!
K. M.

What time do the kids go down? I would work on an early bedtime at least one night a week (if not more!) and dress nice, refresh your makeup and invite your husband to just sit and relax (watch a movie, whatever you like) and enjoy some wine or whatever drink you like.

My husband and I dont have a lot of solo time, but we have learned to just turn a movie on for the kids in another room or put them to bed early and enjoy eachother at least once a week.

It takes work and it seems impossible, but once you do it the first time you will enjoy it and the times after that wont seem so hard!

GL!

E.,
You are not alone! The joy of our lives is our children, yet often it is so overwhelming. Remember that taking care of yourself will not only keep you happier, but your children and your husband as well. That doesn't mean spending money. Find other Mom's in your boat. Then babysit for each other. You, and your husband don't even have to go out. Bring in cheap food and sit by candlelight. Make a date, once a week if you can swing it. Take a walk, take a swim, watch a video....just do your best to be alone together. Even if it is only for an hour or two. Talk! Let other mom's be your support, and be a support for them. Talk and be open with your husband. Be honest, and allow him to be too. If PMS is an issue, get help. I did and it made all the difference in our lives!

E.,
Know that you are not alone. There are many moms/parents that feel the way you do. Just keep remembering this is just a season of life. A few things that might help you manage better though:
1. Do you have a set of friends that you could do a kid-swap once a week and go on a date night? Every other Tuesday you'd have their kids, then the other Tuesday they would have yours? It's fun for the kids and for the parents who get to go out. If not, then I would make friends with some of your kids parents and go from there.
2. My church, Watermark Community Group, has a ministry called Moneywise. They are incredibly gifted people that will take a look at your entire financial situation and then offer suggestions. It's fantastic. I've seen numerous people (including ourselves) walk away with "more" money by the way they uncover lose funds. It's really a great deal. Check out this link http://www.watermark.org/ministry/moneywise.asp
3. The saying a Happy Mom and Happy Home is sooo true. Your attitude (good or bad) will rub off on your family. Try your best to be positive and find the joy in the small things. Go on a picnic outside with hubby after the kids go to bed. Have early coffee with hubby before you guys go to work, etc.
"He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young." Isaiah 40:11.

Hi there, I pray life gets better for you soon because I feel you need a braek! I too am a stay at home mom of a 3 and 4 year old, and I know exactly how you feel right now. Some things that help me with the house is to make a cleaning chart for the month. I know it's elementary, but it honestly works. If you just do one small chore a day helps out lots because you don't feel like in the spare time you have to clean everything and then you are exausted. So break down your cleaning and do one thing everyday, like: bathrooms/ sweep and mop/ vacuum/dusting/laundry.
Also, if you live in a neighborhood and know your neighbors, start a date night. We do that in my neighborhood, once a month one family watches all the kids(there's 3 families) and the other 2 go out for a date. Then we rotate. It's fun and the kids have a blast!
Also do some serching for some free stuff in your area to take the kids to. They get stir crazy too! Libraries are great. I hope any of this helps you. good luck! T.

Where do you live? I'm a SINGLE mother of two my 4 and a half year old daughter Presley is completely blind so I had to allow my wonderful Aunt and Uncle to take her full time and she has been with them since she was about 15mo. old. My son will two in Oct. and he doesn't not having any developmental issues like his sister does with her vision or anything else for that matter and we are thankful for that. My fiancé and I are no longer together because long story short he refuses to grow up and be a father and a man. He loves his children but has his issues. My point is your so lucky to have a husband and a healthy family. However you are more than entitled to feel the way you do. Children are not easy and being a mother is the hardest job on earth! DONT feel guilty for your feelings but try to fix them. I applaud you for asking for help. I suffered from dramatic post partum with my daughter and her disability of course made my depression so much worse. I didn't ask for help or even try to grief I thought being tough was the answer and I was dying inside quietly only for myself to know my true pain. Finally it all came to a head and my family realized and stepped in, By that time though I was so miserable I no longer cared to be a mother and felt I didn't even deserve to be one. I was terrified when I got pregnant with my son! I'm happy to say he cured everything for me and today I appreciate what I went through because it gave me perspective. Even though times are VERY tough these days and they really are for everyone i'm alot happier now then I was then. You will get through this but not without help. See a doctor or therapist and get a break from it all!

Sleep deprivation cause all kinds or problems and with all you have going and the stress you cant be sleeping well. I would be over the moon to help you and your husband with a break. I wouldn't charge $10 an hour either. I know i'm a stranger but if you would like to meet up and get to know me a bit I would love to give you and your husband a break. I can come to your house since the kids would feel more comfortable there and watch them as late as you need me for $20-$30 bucks, and will even throw in a few nights for free just to give you guys the chance to get out of the house. email me or call if your interested. I'm almost 26 years old and a professional, mature, loving parent. Legal Assistant by day. I consider myself a child advocate because my life revolves around them and there love and safety. I don't believe that hitting your child is the answer but rather love, consistency and respect. However after a certain age sometimes you have to resort to hitting but I have never felt the urge or thought it to be necessary! I follow healthy eating habits with my children and watch them like a hawk. My motto is to be safe than sorry. I'm someone you could trust. Hope to hear from you soon. God Bless you and your family. ____@____.com email me and I will give you my number. Sorry so long

E.,

First of all, if your name is E., and your kids' names are Jack, Jonah and Juliet, then who is Jill?

Secondly, I COMPLETELY sympathize and empathize with you. I too have three kids under the age of 5 (4.5, 18 months and 2.5 months). The stress is unbelieveably overwhelming, I KNOW. Our house is ALSO GROSS - you're not alone. We don't have a lot of money, either. The only times my husband and I go out is when our parents are visiting (they are both out of town - we too have no family here). Both sets of our parents come every 8 weeks, so we get date nights that way, since the babysitting is free, of course. Do your parents and inlaws visit? If so, take advantage of the free babysitting. Also, maybe you can take turns babysitting with one of your friends. Maybe once a month, you can sit for her kids and she can sit for your kids. You can also do this during the day, too, so you can have your own "me" time. More free babysitting! About massages - if you ever find yourself with 30 extra dollars to spare, you can get a massage from a student for $30 at a massage school. There is a massage school in Lewisville that I know of. Haven't been there yet, but plan to be hopefully soon. It helps to do your grocery shopping at Super Walmart, too. If you have extra "stuff" in your house (we have the most stuff/crap I have ever seen in my life), sell it on craigslist and ebay. You can make some extra money that way. You can also sell old baby clothes and toys to Once Upon A Child (but you might get more for it on craigslist and ebay). Also, put all of your kids to bed early and at the same time. If they are all in bed by 7:00 or 7:30, then you and your husband will have your nights. Sit on the couch together with a glass of wine and watch TV, play a game, or just talk. Got any vacation time coming up? Got anyone to leave the kids with so you and your husband can skip town? Check into cheap, last minute cruises. You can drive to Houston or Galveston and then won't have to pay airfare. However, if you don't have any vacation time, go out of town for the weekend!!! Or even one night. On Friday or Saturday nights, make your own date night at home if you can't go out. Make sure the kids are in bed at 7 or 7:30, like I said. Cook a nice dinner and eat in the dining room (not the kitchen). Dim the lights, use candles, and have a couple glasses of wine with your nice dinner. You have to get creative. Have more sex! Try to connect with each other more. Just remember that your kids will all be in elementary school someday and then you'll have your days to yourself!! It WILL get better, I promise! Hope this helps. Best of luck!

E.,
Join a church! There are lots of free or almost free ladies activities and they usually provide childcare. It would give you a break from the kids and get you in touch with other moms. Maybe then you could meet someone to trade off babysitting with another mom to get an evening with your husband once in a while. I am in much the same boat (but my kids are older now)and my church has been an amazing resource and support.

Hi,

Your life sounds a lot like mine. I too have three children- 6 and under and two in diapers. Life is not fun. I stay at home and have also come to the conclusion that this is it! I have lost all of my friends that I used to work with and other friends have other interests. I am not a fun person to invite over because I have all of these crying, whining, babies!

Then what I try to do is look at each of my children and I am the one who made the choice to have them. You are the best gift they can have. Just being there for them. I know that motherhood is a very thankless job but this too shall pass! Hang in there. One thing I do is stay up after the kids go to bed and have me time. Alone! My husband even gets on my nerves. I watch my favorite shows that I have tivod and have a glass of wine!

Hey girl - something has to give here! What is nearest and dearest to your heart? There are only 24 hours in the day and you have a limited amount of energy. You cannot meet the needs of your husband, your three small children and the needs of your business effectively not to mention keeping your own sanity, and that is not counting the housework, meals, and grocery shopping. I would encourage you to set your priorities carefully. Relationships take time and energy. Are you willing to give what it takes here in order for things to work? How big of a deal is work to you? Is it a necessary part of your life now or can it wait? Children grow quickly and that time will never be regained. What is it costing you to work? - in time, day care, meals out, dry-cleaning, etc. Do you attend church? Home teams and Bible study groups are a great place for you and your husband to have some time together, share life with other couples who have been where you are, and you may make some friends who would be happy to trade off babysitting duties so both couples can get an occasional night out. Tag team household chores with hubby - take 10 minutes and clean 1 room! Put the kids to bed early and have some together time. Be creative, but realize that you can't do it all. Hang in there. SuperMom is a myth, so find out where your heart is and focus there. The other things can go or wait, just choose carefully.

Good luck!

G.

Hi E. -

I have read all the wonderful advice people have sent in - they are fantastic! One thing I haven't seen, is if you can afford it at all, hire a housekeeper! You can ask around for good deals. I have 2 small children and work full time too, and I can't afford one every 2 weeks, so I have her come every 3 weeks. When I come home on that day, and everything has been cleaned for me, I feel revitalized! Then you only have to do the maintenance between cleanings, which isn't so bad. It frees up SO MUCH time to spend with your family. I gave up trying to be super mom a long time ago! Hang in there! H.

I know exactly how you feel. I am pretty much in the same situation. But I only have one child. A 5 year old special needs child who absorbs a lot of time. Try to make time in the most obscure places. If you are both available on the weekend take the kids to the park together. The play equipment usually keeps them all occupied while you and your husband have a chance to catch up. Also, try staying up one hour later a couple nights a week, after the kids are in bed. Sit down together and have a glass of wine together. You can bet he is feeling as stressed out as you are. My best advice about the house is just do what you can. Do not try to do it all yourself. Delegate. Even the kids can help. If your husband resists like mine does- tell him one hour of his help frees up an hour you can spend together. Also, try to find a mom buddy. I had a friend who would take my child for a couple evenings a month in exchange for me watching hers a couple evenings. That way we could spend some alone time with our husbands and not have to pay a babysitter. It worked out great. Unfortunately Her husband was transferred and I do not know many people in the area so I am still looking for another one. You will be suprised at how much the little differences make

There are a lot of us in your shoes sweetie. I just potty trained the youngest, but I am stuck being a single parent due to a military hubby, and feel trapped in a house with no money and no place to go. So, get a network of women going, we have tupperware, pampererd chef, tastefully simple and everyother kind of party on the block, why not a date night co-op? It will take some work, but it will be so worth it in the end, and you and the man in your life will be able to reconnect, and some of those times can be women only times too! Just a thought, hope it helps!

I just want to say I understand. I agree with some othe moms when saying we have been there at one point or another. I call this seasons. My husband and I have been married for 16 years and we have been through it several times and the first step in getting through it quicker is to recognize your overwhelmed and overworked.(which you already have) The second thing is what are your hobbies and intrests. Make a list of new things to try. Dallas/ft worth is great about having low cost or free things to do around town. I know that the effort just to get there on the weekends doesnt seem worth it but it is once your out. Plan a vacation even if you finances say no now work towards it. It will give you something to look forward to. Also take a day off and keep the kids in daycare you and your husband take the day to reconnect. (dont do chores around the house) Also dont be so h*** o* yourself we all have dirty baseboards and a pile of laundry and dishes waiting for us it will get done so no pressure who really cares if it sits there a little longer. When you look back on your life dont let it be the chores that made you stressed. Take a deep breath, regroup with your husband and put a plan together to releive the stress and add a little joy and dont forget to dreambuild and set goals. Good luck!

You might want to check out a local MOMs Club or M.O.P.S (Mothers of preschoolers) and see if anyone knows of a babysitting co-op. THere are groups of moms who trade off babysitting services. That way you could have a date night every so often without the added expense of a sitter. This too shall pass!

From The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints on families:

"God has established families to bring happiness to His children, allow them to learn correct principles in a loving atmosphere, and prepare them to return to Him after they die. Because families are ordained of God, they are the most important social unit in time and in eternity.

Marriage (Genesis 2:18) and family ( Genesis 1:28) are central focal points in God’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children. Your Heavenly Father wants you to do all you can during your time on Earth to prepare yourself to live in an eternal family.

Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on sound principles, like those that Jesus Christ taught. These principles include faith in Jesus Christ, prayer, repentance?, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. A home established on gospel principles is a place of refuge and safety, where the Spirit of the Lord? can abide, blessing family members with peace, joy, and happiness (“ The Family: A Proclamation to the World”).

No marriage or family is perfect. When dealing with challenging relationships, it may help to remember that each person on this earth is a beloved son or daughter of God and has a divine nature and destiny. Learning to love and serve your family members, as Christ taught, will help you become more like your Heavenly Father and will help you prepare to live with Him again in an eternal family. "

There have been a lot of great suggestions already and I think anything else I would suggest has already been said.

You can request a free booklet with no obligations called "3 Simple Ways to Become a Happier Family" online at:
mormon.org
or
LDS.org

E.,
I definatley feel for you! I had that problem(not happy) too. I started taking something for depression and went to counceling. I was able to find a counselor that I could pay a fraction of her normal rates(30 an hour as apposed to 100). She was still in school... you might look for someone like that. I can agree with a lot of the moms on here. Church, MOMs Club, working less. I do not know what I would do if I had to work and take care of the house and kids. I have a hard time getting the house work done and I am a stay at home mom with 2 kids. And I think you definatly need to get Dad involved. Share the chores. That may be hard for some Moms to do. I know it is for me. But if you sit down and have a heart to heart with the hubby and pour your heart out, he may be willing to help out more. You may just need someone to talk to. And he could be that person. You could console each other. MOMs Club saved my life(so to speak). It got me out of the house, I met other moms that understand, and gave my son a way to releive some energy. It also got my mind off the house and onto helping others. And in turn they help you. I hope that even if I have not helped with some good advice, at least you know that there are those of us out there that understand. You are not alone. Good luck and God Bless you!

Maybe I'm totally wrong and it is just you and me, but I'm pretty sure I can safely say that we've all been there! I have 2 kids under the age of 3 and we live away from family too, but I've found some friends with young kids and we all trade babysitting - that way we don't have to pay a sitter. No friends? Do whatever you can to build some kind of a support system where you are - it makes a big difference. Getting involved with community activities or a local church are great ways to make friends and many churches have free babysitting so you can go to services and for date nights.
Also, talk to your husband about it! Maybe you can find ways to "date" at home. Sometimes we go out and just sit on the back porch with a bowl of ice cream and talk after we put the kids down.

Good luck! I think it gets better - at least, that's what I'm counting on!

The problem is the work. Give it up. you will be happier. budjet, downsize, do whatever it takes. you will be happier, and your familly will be happier and thank you for it. Save the money you pay to daycare and get a happy family.

If you have friends with children you could trade sitting or get a group together for mother's day out once a week or twice a month. Each would take turns watching children for two or three hours that day.

Hi E.,
I'm so sorry you are having a hard time finding happiness. I think the other advice the moms gave was perfect. I have also, like some of the other moms mentioned, been on anti-depressants for a short time to help cope.
The things that have worked for me:
#1 - first and foremost getting enough sleep. Can't stress that one enough. Continual lack of sleep makes me lose touch on reality after awhile. I suffered severe post pardom with both my kids and I would say mainly it was from lack of sleep.
#2 - trade babysitting with a friend. If you need a church to go to, I go to a great one and that is where I met the people I swap babysitting with. I have a strong support system there where I tell them anything and everything and vice versa.
#3 - alone time with the hubby doing free stuff. A lot of great ideas were previously mentioned.

A scripture I think of commonly that helps me is 1 Cor:12-13

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Another great one is 2 Cor 4:16-18

My favorite book is Ecclesiastes. To me anytime I suffer with getting stressed out by my day to day living or start to take myself to seriously I read this and it helps me get my spirit in the right place.

I would love for you to email me if you need someone to talk to. My church does the Dave Ramsy course on money and it has helped a lot of people like some of the other moms mentioned. Please let me know if I can be of help. You are certainly not alone in your feelings and situation in life. God bless!!!

I have seen alot of responses reccommending you go to church, I didn't read all, so I don't know if anyone issued an invitation to one but if you like Harley's and don't already have a church, I'd like to invite you to mine. It's a great small church, and we even have a Harley/motorcycle club. If you (or anyone else) is interested, let me know, and I'll send you the details.
P.S. The preacher is actually discussing joy in his sermons right now. He reccommended a book by John Piper called "When I don't desire God: How to fight for Joy" this past Sunday. It may help too, I am also thinking about getting it.
:)
A.

Great advice given so far! One thing I think is really important is for you and your husband to find some way to get some couple time. Have you met your neighbors? I'm sure there are other moms in your neighborhood who feel the same way and would love to swap out babysitting with you so they could have some couple time too.

If your 5 yr. old will be going to kindergarten in the Fall, you'll just have two little ones at home. I know the Fall seems far away, but it's really just one month from now.

Good Luck!

Hi E., I wanted to send out my support and a cyber hug. The first thing I recommend is that you realize that you are doing SO much and to pat yourself on the back for all that you are accomplishing and then find some ways to make things a little easier for yourself. Here are a few things that I have used: *Sunday nights as mine and husband time. Kids in bed early and we either have a glass of wine and talk or we have spent several weeks in a row reading a book to strenthen our marriage, etc. *When my boys were little and the youngest was a baby with severe reflux, I asked my elderly neighbor to take them for one hour on Wed nights so I could do whatever I wanted. She did it for free and she felt needed so we both benefited. *Ask a teenager to come over once a week to watch the kids for a little while or clean for you. *I had to learn to use the phrase "would you be willing to..." with my husband (dishes, bathe the kids, sweep-whatever). I found that he wanted to help but was afraid I would say he did it wrong so he waited until I asked.

Hang in there!

I was going to respond but I a response a few down below from Gennie and she really hit the nail on the head in my opinion. So I'll just re-itterate a couple of the things she said:

Attending church is for me and our family, very important. I understand not everybody feels the same way, but we have been consistantly going to church for a few months now, where before we were struggling with activity, and I can see the difference it has made in my life and home.

We don't have a lot of disposable income either so sometimes like Gennie said when I need "me" time I will just go to the grocery store and then stop and get a drink at Sonic on the way home. We need the groceries and the drink cost all of $2 so not too much extra was spent there. Running errands in general without kids is such a nice quiet time for me. I can listen to the radio as loudly as I want or I can just sit and think!

My husband works a LOT...he is hardly home and I have 3 kids as well. I understand where you are coming from. It costs us a lot to have a babysitter too so we like to rent a movie for $1 from the Red Box and take it home, put the kids to bed and then watch it while eating a bowl of ice cream or something. It is a fun in-home date night w/o the expense of dinner, movie, babysitter. At least we can spend some time together.

The medicine might be an option too, I know it has been for me in the past. I have problems with depression and anxiety so when I am on meds I am a totally different person. It helps. I am currently not on anything and I know I need to be! I am so edgy and irritable and when I am taking meds I am more mellow and patient. But meds aren't for everyone, that is just my personal experience.

The Dave Ramsey thing is great, we have his kit and need to get with it! I have several friends who have done his program and are in love with it.

Good luck to you E., I hope that this has helped some. Please send me a message through this if you'd like my email so we can chat more. Sometimes all you really need is a friend and a listening ear and I am willing to be that for you. :) Take care, God Bless. :)

I am so sorry to hear this. I completely understand, we are going through something similar. I know I can be happy, so I am trying to intentionally delight in my husband and my daughter. We want to have more children, but we currenlt ylive with my paretns so my husband can be a full time pre-med student. It has been really trying. I actually just met with some friends to talk about it, I ended up just sobbing and weeping over my frustration and my husband and I finally talked last night and he reminded me of the positive aspects of our current situation, which we both have forgotten existed. Im not sure of where you live, but there is a community that we are a part of that has been of trememndous help...www.providencecommunity.com
There are a bunch of moms that have a bunch of kids, we are a profamily group and I have found so much great advice, love and support from these families...maybe that would help.
thanks for sharing and please know you are not alone.

You didn't mention if you were connected in church. That is the first place I would take my family. If you are not, may I suggest that you get connected in a church - for one if you have God first in your life - things will still be crazy but you have a source to go to that can give you comfort. 2nd if you are in a church - there may be a mom that you can switch time off with - maybe watch her kids for an hour and then let her watch yours for an hour. Also, if you get your kids involved with the kids at the nursery at church - it will give you some quite time while you sit in church which will probably spill over into your "crazy" life at home. I remember those days well. Try doing little adventures with your kids at home. Have a carpet picnic and eat with them on the floor, play a quick game and see if that special time with them helps to calm them down some during the day.
I will be praying for you and your family.

A little about me: SAHGrandmother to a 4 year old, raised 2 wonderful children and still have my sanity.

E.,
I feel for you. I am sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed. It is true that being a mom is the hardest job ever. Especially with 3 under 5! Some ideas are to link up with other moms or a moms group who will trade child care so that each of you can get a night even if it is once a month. Reconnecting with your husband is hugely important so that you both feel like you are on the same team. Sometimes, it is just knowing you are not alone. That works both ways. Finding out what he needs too to re-engate into the family. Once the kids are asleep having a nice dinner and just talking. It isn't always easy but finding those moments are so very important. I would do what ever you can to clean your house. It wont be perfect and with 3 little ones it will be pulled a part quickly but our environment can effect us so much. If it feels gross it just weighs on you. You deserve to feel joy! Clean the rooms you are in the most first. Buy yourself some fresh flowers. Just lightening things up can make such a big difference. Also, realizing that this time of life last such a relatively short time and there will be a time where there will be A LOT more YOU time.
You are in my thoughts!
Simply,
C.

E.,I feel you girl! One thing I use is our library,I know you have one around you somewhere! Then if that doesnt work load those babies up in strollers and go to the mall and just walk around.When you get tired, buy you a small coke and plant your butt down and people watch!

Those are tough ages and especially when you are a working mom and have a husband that doesn't know what to do with small kids and no family in the area. I know as I am in a very similar situation. Are you active in a church and could you find someone to swap babysitting with once a week? There are lots of family activities in community calendars in free magazines that you could take advantage of, perhaps take only 1 or 2 children and have your husband keep 1. The Denton magazines (also online) websites are: www.dentonconnection.com and www.dentonlifestyles.com. Is there any business networking that would also be a social activity that you could do once a week and your husband can watch the kids and then you can give him 1 night (this would just be 2 or 3 hours). Could you go to an exercise class with some other moms? The North Lakes Park Rec Center is pretty inexpensive. I too can't afford and/or justify $10/hour babysitting, manicures, pedicures, massages, etc. My cousin is a SAHM with 3 under 4, a 12 yr. old & a 13 yr. old. She had to give up her home business of teaching martial arts for awhile and now has to home school her 13 year old as her grades were suffering. She has a mother's helper that comes over to get babysitting experience and she swaps babysitting with other moms in the neighborhood. She also started a book club to get to know other moms after they moved to a new neighborhood.

Try the Keller's Mom's Group - -It's a networking, social organization

First of all I hope that you wake up in the morning clean your face get out of your PJs and put your makeup on.
If you haven't that will help alot.
Keep your chin up sweet lady. This is just a bump in the road.
Have you thought about having a at home date night? What time do you put the babies to bed? Get a bottle of something bubbly and when the kids are in bed.... light some candles, turn on the soft music.....
For some men its hard when the babies are so small.
GOOD LUCK!!!

E.,
oh my goodness are you my twin? i too suffer from joy deficit :) i am a stay at home mom who never gets to go on a date with her hubby as i have no family in dallas my closest family (mom,sisters,etc...) live 9 hrs away which i believe maybe some of my issue i have lived in dallas since 98 and still feel alone my husbands business keeps us here but he is hardly home as he works long hours and i feel completely cut off from the real world as we speak my 3 yr old daughter is screaming :( i also have a 6 yr old son i too dont have money for pedicures,spas,etc... i havent really got tons of friends i am 33 all my friends live far away and i am a lil to old to hold up a sign saying looking for a friend lol but i would love to talk to you maybe we can be emotional support even get together for lunch (pb&j sandwiches lol) your kids wouldnt bother me as i have some too i also know what its like to not have a babysitter my husband and i havent been on a date in yrs we have been together for 10 and it was great before kids we were always doing things together but not anymore when i say something about finding a babysitter he says no we will take em with us hmmm well i would like to jump on a harley and run off too.men have no idea what its like i feel my whole life is about wiping butts lol i love my kids but really would like to have a break sometimes so if your interested in talking my name is A. i live in dallas and my # is ###-###-#### give me a call i would love to hear from you sounds like we have alot in common :)

I just wanted to chime in to let you know that your feelings are absolutely normal and you are not alone! By admitting in this forum that you don't feel very joyful right now, you have allowed yourself to take a deep breath and work on bringing the joy back to your life.

You will be alright, your kids and hubby will be alright.

As you said, your responses were awesome! I was where you are many, many years ago. I'm now a grandmother and even my grandkids are growing up too fast. I know you are taking the wonderful responses to heart and I trust that you are already working a plan to put some of the suggestions into place. Top ones seem to be
1) Nurture your spiritual self (Unity Church of Christianity would be my suggestion)
2) Find a MOMS or MOPS group, of organize a group of moms to trade out babysitting with;
3) Join free www.flylady.com website for ways to keep up with housework and destress;
4) See your doctor re: depression--you owe it to yourself and your family to stay physically and mentally healthy; if your brain chemicals are out of balance, you cannot possibly function at your best;
5) Show your letter and your responses to your husband (first arrange for the children to be in the bed so you two are alone) and help him understand your feelings, plus you try to understand his feelings through honest, loving dialogue (if talking about these issues creates defensiveness escalating into arguments, email me and I can help you with a way to talk about issues that, done well, will not escalate to anger); the two of you need to be feeling like co-parents to your children;
6) Engage your creative self to find ways to teach the children to help with straghtenig up the house and make it a game-like activity and fun. Forget deep cleaning unless you can afford to pay someone to do it. I have never met a real supermom that didn't in some way let some important part of her life (children, husband) slide.
7) Perspective: When your kids are grown, would you rather they remember how clean your house was, or would you rather them remember what a fun mom you were, how loving you were and how much you laughed with them?
8) Find some time to exercise. If your husband can't watch the kids for you to walk for 30 min. at the mall or health club in summer and in your neighborhood in cooler weather, your exercise may have to be in the form of something fun with the kids, like dancing to a DVD, CD or TV; playing chase with the kids (in cooler weather); again engaging your creative self to come up with ways to move your body in some form. Exercise is one of the best therapies for depression or depressed mood;
9) Hang in there; as all the others have said, this "season" will pass. There will be unique challenges to each season, but they too will pass. God bless you and your family.
R. B.

Hi E.,

I'm sure if you've resolved some of your concerns, but I wanted to lend a little encouragement and suggestion.

Your 14yr old could prove to be a big help around the house, if not already doing so. It would be great for teaching/learning responsibility, and any help used toward the little ones can work toward birth control for your teenager too! LOL I'm serious. Scheduled bedtimes will solve lack of quiet/quality time with your hubby. You could also create creative/affordable intimate moments with bubble baths by candlelight, private desserts before bedtime created just for you two, soft jazz or classical(101.1 or 91.9..not sure about the latter), shared massage giving, and so on. For the family, long days at the park could both create great family time, and easy bedtime moments!

As for you, use the little ones' nap time to regroup/rest with hot showers/baths, aroma therapy lotions/candles, soft music, even exercise. For massages and pedicures, try massage schools/beauty schools. They are said to be very inexpensive. Maybe you can save up for each monthly and alternate between the two...at least until you can find it in your budget more often. Mani/pedi's can be $20-30 each. Also, your insurance may cover chiropractic care that could include massage like options.

I will stop here, but I pray for find the joy in your blessings. Sometimes, we can't see or feel the joy in parenting and being a spouse because of all the hard work and stress. However, families are definitely a blessing and you will get there. As the children get older, the chores should lessen. Of course, you will acquire other battles...lol Nonetheless, it can be done! God is good! I also have three children (biologically): 1 boy-6, 2 girls-8 and 14; plus 130+ children that become like my own every school year. You can do it b/c I can do it, and I can do it because God said so...He said the same for you! Hang in there...I'll be praying for you.

I just came across your post, I know that it has been a while since you wrote this but I totally know how you feel. My husband, myself and our two boys hunter who is 5 and brock who is 3 just moved to Lewisville from San Diego and have no family or friends. Money is tight from all the moving expenses and I am totally hating life. If you ever want to talk wrte me,sometimes just getting it out helps cause I know how it can be to complain to the husband after he has worked a long day he just wants to come home and not deal with it!! When I am feeling down I try not to think about it too much and keep myself busy, with cheap things to do with the kids like the dollar theatre or the park!! I hope that you do write me I think that talking would help us both!! Hope you have a good morning

Hello E.
Jesus is going to give you joy. I am a mother of 6 and i know how hard it is. Let me first offer some assistance. How about you and your husband come over and meet me and my family. Then when your comfortable i will babysit all 3 kids for you and your husband to have a night alone. I will pay for dinner for the two of you. God loves you and He doesnt intend for our children and life to bring us misery. I definitely understand though cause i went thru a stage and i prayed until God brought me out of it. I love you and your family and though i never meet you im here for you. I have just recently started getting me some me time and girl it has made a difference. If you would like to talk more pm me. I love the Lord and He has really made a difference in mine and my husbands marriage and children please contact me i really would like to talk to you

hi E., sorry to hear you are unhappy. Try putting your relationship your husband first! When he comes in from work give him a kiss and ask how his day was?be sure and keep him happy! If your kids see a loving atmoshere at home they will feel more secure and more happy at home. Remember the day will be just as good as you make it!!good luck and god bless

look for a Mothers of Preschoolers group
if you belong to a church ask your pastor for support, in the faith community a person asking for help is an opportunity to be a blessing. If you don't belong to any church, try looking for one close to you. At the very least, on Sunday morning during service child care is almost always free and is given by people who care and want to serve.

Man, I know God can make you happier, but here are some ideas:
Have you talked with your doc re: meds for depression?
Do you go anywhere that you can meet someone else and trade babysitting priviledges with them? Like one week, they babysit for you and you and your husband go out, or you have some time to yourself, and the next week, you babysit for them....
Do you do things that bring you pleasure? Such as reading...looking at mags (can find some in libraries) splurge on yourself a flower - just one doesn't cost a lot and can do a lot for you! Do you like to take baths? Get some candles and bubble bath, and lock yourself in the bathroom for a quiet time...I know the kids usually knock on the door...maybe this would be when they are in bed or you have traded babysitting....
Take bubbles and blow them at work on your breaks...get a little fish to sit on your desk...if the workplace will allow it..... So little things for yourself that give you pleasure or more energy....exercise (I call it EXTRA-cise) really helps even if you do not like it - I don't but am finding out that it DOES help a lot. Are you eating right? I know, it costs more to eat healthy...but it also costs more to pay doctor bills....
My prayers will be with you..
M. alice

Get your self to your doctor and get something for your depression first. Then find a church and get involved with other couples your age. Running away never solves anything. Your children diserve more mentally than you are able to give them right now. If church isn't an option, find something through your children's school or pre-school.

Greetings. I am a mom with a 5 yr old, 3 yr old and twins daughters (2 months old). Be strong and enjoy your kiddos while they are young! Husbands are usually distant because they don't get the attention from you they used to get. At least mine is like that. :)

I know working is stressful and takes a toll, but stop & smell the roses...Your kids are great...love them.

N..