Need Some Space!

The benefit of using family for childcare is that it is FREE and you know your child safe with a family member. The down side is that it can be difficult to confront a family member if you are unhappy with something they are doing. I think you should talk to her about his crying while you are gone. Maybe she just needs you to show her how you soothe him and what works for you. He probably just needs to get used to her, which may take a few crying spells. Babies can't cry forever, and even if he cries the whole time you are gone, which I doubt, he will be OK. As for taking her with you, maybe you could find a home with an in law apartment. That way she could have her own space, but still be available to help you out. It sounds to me like you don't know how good you have it. Most moms have to do everything themselves, but you have a staff, and family that is willing to help out. Try to be grateful for that.

Hi N.,
I'm not sure what you and your husband do for work. But, it is difficult when you leave your baby for all the reasons you stated. You are lucky right now, that you don't have to cook and clean. When you move back to the states you will have those responsibilities additionally and that will take more time away from spending with the baby. I would say that if you aren't totally comfortable with the aunt, maybe you shouldn't take her with you, or take her for just 2-3 months, so you can find someone else. Also, if you don't need her at some points why don't you send her downstairs to visit your mother in law, or have her take the baby to visit the mother in law for a short time (say a half hour or so), or have her take the baby for a walk in the stroller directly after nursing so you can work. Make that part of your routine. Morning would be a good time to work this in, because babies usually feed well in the morning, and he probably won't have a fussy time right after feeding. Also, you can wake up early, before the baby and get a few good hours of work in before he is up and then you can spend time with him guilt free. It is never easy at this stage, when they can't talk or communicate what their needs are. But, life is continually changing as your baby gets older and you will have to adapt because your baby's needs will be different. It is hard to fit work and everything else in. Sometimes, you have to prioritize what is the most important on each day. I hope these suggestions help you. Most importantly, try to do something each day with the baby that you want to do. Enjoy him!

I agree with the two other posts. You need to just go and let your great aunt learn to deal with the baby. I think the biggest hurdle right now is that he is only 6 wks old and when you hear him crying it is very difficult to ignore.

Sounds like quite the life over there with a staff of cooks and cleaners too. Will you have that option when you move? If not, having your great aunt there is going to be a tremendous help when you are cleaning the house/apartment or cooking meals. I recall when our first was born, we ate off paper plates and did a bit of take out or easy type meals due to the neediness of the baby.

Good luck to you.

if her main purposae to help you with the baby than you need to teach her the way you calm the baby and you also need to trust her otherwise the arrangement is just being a companion is not working for you. the india culture is very different than the american culture so you may also have ot tough it out until you move back to the states and make you concerns known to your husband K. d

Do not bring this women with you to the States. Do what every young American couples does-- Find a good babysitter in your neighborhood and pay someone to watch your child when you need someone. I would never have someone live with me. It drives you nuts.

About calming the baby down, I think you just have to go out of the house for a couple hours several times and let your great-aunt-in-law and the baby work out their own relationship. I remember grinding my teeth listening to DH figure it out with our firstborn, and my MIL the same, but if you're always there to rescue this situation won't change.

Finding something for her to do - maybe talk with her about this? Is she a guest or family help, or something in between? Guests one must entertain, or find entertainment for. Family help, you get to enjoy their company when there aren't 50 million other things.

Good luck!

Hi N.: I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting more time to just be with your baby. It's a hard situation. Is there any way at all that she could stay downstairs? If not, it may just be that an honest conversation has to happen. I know there are cultural and family issues involved too, but it's important that you have the time with your son that you need/want (it's important for him too, you are his mom!). Sounds like it is also not a good idea for her to come with you to the U.S. If the boundaries are difficult there, it will be even more so in the U.S. because she will be even more dependent on you and your husband. Do you have any friends in India who may be in a similar situation or who have navigated through this before? I'm sure your hsuband's aunt is aware of the tension and maybe it can be easily worked out once it's out in the open. Maybe she feels bad that she can't soothe the baby and is nervous because she doesn't want to let you and your husband down? It's tough. Hang in there and enjoy your baby!
C.

What does the great aunt do when the baby fusses? Does she come get you to deal with it or do you come in because you can't stand to hear him fussing? Does she understand what she is there for? Maybe it wasn't made clear to her that she's there to help you with the baby even when it's not all happy and smiles. Sometimes it's best to just be thrown into a situation. Now do you think if you weren't home with the baby that the great aunt would just let the baby cry and not try to tend to his needs, or would she step up and do what she can to settle the baby? Maybe you need to make things more clear. When you need to get something done if you tell your great aunt okay I really need to do this for work and I can't be disturbed maybe she'll do her best to keep the baby entertained. It almost sounds to me like your making it more uncomfortable. You said you feel like you have to entertain her and talk to her in some way, but if she knows that she's there as sort of a nanny for the baby, then she shouldn't expect you to entertain her. Maybe you need to stop looking at her as family and think of her more as someone in your employ at least when you need her to help out with the baby. I mean obviously it's more delicate of a situation, but it sounds like a miscommunication and maybe your needs need to be expressed better.