Need Some Info Please. - Charleston,WV

I don't see any harm in taking him. Especially if this will be his first one. You want his first one to be of someone your familiar with, because he will probably have lots of questions..as they do at that age about everything. Make sure you and your husband are ready for the questions. If you don't think you'll be able to explain things to him..which is very understandable, then maybe you should wait. It's like your family said, it's what you feel comfortable with. You may ask you doctor or the funeral director what the best way is to explain to him where you all are going, what's going on, and why his uncle is where he's at. Also, make sure he knows when to be quiet (when people are speaking and things of that nature) This would be a good time to explain the wonderful place of heaven, what he may be doing there. You'll probably get the question of why, you may not have an answer for that, adults even ask that question. My grandfather passed when I was seven and i still ask that question. I've convinced myself, however, (he was a well-know carpenter in our area) that God had some buildings that needed built and my grandfather was the only one for the job, so he's been up there building stuff for all the angels. If your religious, tell him that God had some things he needed his uncle to take care of in heaven, something like that. Remember he's in a better place, we'll all be there someday.. but we're not to choose, when it's our time, we'll go. But not yet, we still have things to take care of down here (like, our children!!) Stay as strong as you can, but it's okay to breakdown, DON'T LEAVE IT BOTTLED UP INSIDE, that's the worst you can do, when your son's at daycare or school, get with your husband at home and let him know how you feel, you'll feel better trust me. Your family is in my prayers

I'm so sorry for your loss. When a relative dies naturally of old age that is tragic enough, but at least it seems in the natural scheme of things. Losing someone so young to an accident like that is very hard to deal with.

A year ago, just before last Thanksgiving, my husband's best friend died in a car crash. He was my husband's friend from when they were kids, he was best man at our wedding, first to visit when our kids were born... he was a wonderful person. Although I wasn't as close to him as my hubby was, or as you were to your brother-in-law, I have some idea of what you are going through.

I think you should take your son with you. He may not fully understand what has happened, or if he does he may find the funeral upsetting, but I think kids suffer most in these circumstances if they are excluded and left ignorant of what is going on. It's okay to show him how sad you are, in fact it might help him express his own sadness. Grieving for someone you love isn't something you need to hide, or protect your son from. He (and you) will be able to cope much better if you can share your feelings with each other.

Tell him what to expect at the funeral, who will be there and how you think they will behave. Explain to him what behavior is appropriate. At five years old you have to give him some slack, but hopefully you can head off things like collecting flowers from other graves, as my younger son did (3yo at the time). Tell him as much as you can about what has happened, without giving him any scary details. He might have some questions about death, which you can answer according to your belief system. He might want to know if you or he will die too. That's a hard one. I explained that most people die when they get so old that their bodies get so tired that they stop working. Given the circumstances you can't pretend that no one ever dies young or by accident, but you can tell him that it's rare and that you are always there to protect him.

Sorry for your lose, It's always an unexpected thing. I have took my daughter to her great grandparents funerals. The last one she went to when she was 3 1/2 yrs old. And she went up to the casket with her grandma (it was her mom who died) And my daughter looked in the casket and said. Mamaw is in heaven with Jesus now. It made everyone cry. She didnt understand it much, but i think it would be good to take your son, and let me go up to the casket when he is ready. Just explain to him that hes resting now with Jesus and everything will be okay.

God bless you

First of all M. I am so very sorry about your brother,I myself have 2 brothers and I can't even begin 2 know what you are going through that is 4 sure.Your brother was the same age as me.I will definitely keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.As far as your little five year old son is concerned I would just let him remember his uncle like he knew him.You know all of the good and happy times.I just don't think that he needs to be at the funeral,simply because he is just too little to be able to understand and something like that might scare him.I hope that my advice will help you and your family out greatly.Take care Love:S.

M.,
I am so sorry and sympathetic to your concerns. I had a similar situation at the loss of my mother a couple of years ago. My children were 3 and 6.
Many people in this country feel they should shield their children from unpleasantries of life for various reasons. While I don't belive you should try to explain everything to him at this developmental age, I do believe it is important for him to attend each of the gatherings your family coordinates. He will need to handle this situation as is appropriate for his age and ability. However, to not allow him to have the opportunity to participate I belive could be something that you will look back on and regret. He will have questions, experience emotions and he will observe everyone else experiencing their emotions and he will grow and develop a sense of understanding from the experience. Please do not feel that you have to "be strong for him" and deny yourself by not allowing yourself to grieve. It is important to be human and teach him how to handle the situation appropriately...that is how you can be strong for him.
I will remember you and your family at this difficult time.

If they were close, take them to the funeral. I don't know why adults refuse to let kids know the ups and downs of life in this country. The kids need it for closure. My neice was 4 when my grandma died... they were pretty close and saw each other at least once a week. My brother-in-law refused to let her attend the funeral. My sister and brother-in-law explain to her that great-grandma had died... and thought she understood. But for many weeks/months afterwards, she still asked to go visit. Kids just don't understand. A year later my grandpa died (broken hearted). This time they took her to the funeral... and she said goodbye. For a few days afterward she would ask about grandpa and was told "remember you went to the funeral and said goodbye? he's with grandma". She would say "oh yeah", and move on... it only lasted a couple days. That was when it "clicked" that grandma was gone, too. It's hard, but a lesson kids need to learn. My brother-in-law never went to a funeral as a child and still has a very difficult time going when someone dies... he thought he was doing the right thing for his children, but it ended up hurting them more and dragging the pain out over the course of an entire year. Kids need closure and grieving the same as adults.

I have to add something after reading some of the responses. I think it also has to do with your experiences of funerals. In my experience... they are sad events, but also happy ones. Family and friends re-united after sometimes not seeing each other for a long time. We talk about the good times we had with the deceased... we laugh and we cry and we move on. Funerals are about the living, not the dead. I think children benefit from this... they hear the stories of the good times. They see how adult deal with grief by remembering the good. I know some people have been to funerals that were "dark" and depressing and everyone crying hysterically... but I've never been to that kind. I think it also has to do with your religious beliefs. When you believe the deceased went to a better place and you'll be seeing them again in the future it's much easier and happier.

I think you did the right thing. Children don't often grasp the deep understanding of death as we do, but that is not to say that it doesn't affect them. But it does affect them in a more positive manner to see things firsthand knowing that mommy and/or daddy are there with them. They have to learn somehow, and being honest with them is one way. I also think it helped your son since you did not hide the tears. He is learning to be sympathetic and caring.

An example - my b/f's mom passed just before mother's day a couple of years ago. He had a niece who was about your son's age at that time. They chose to have all the family attend the funeral. The little girl knew a little about what was going on, and asked quite a few questions. It was a learning experience for her, and her family as well. She is doing fine today. It did not scar her, she has learned some more about death in general. It also gave her a chance to say goodbye to someone that she knew she wouldn't see again. I think that is probably the best thing that could've been done for her.

personally, i say take him to the funeral. whether he understands now or not, at least later in life he will understand the closure then that he'll get now. and i know how you must be strong for your family, but never hide your emotions. if you are sad and need to cry, that's what you should do. if we, as humans, weren't supposed to cry, it wouldn't be possible. we are all blessed with feelings and it's always best to express them instead of holding them in. explain to your son how sad you are too and that you will miss him so that if he does become sad, at least he won't feel alone and he'll know it's ok to cry.
good luck. i hope i helped.

I think each child is different.

My children were 6 and 4 at the time of their first funeral. I remember my parents throwing a fit telling me I should not have let them go and how awful it was of me. BUT the funeral was of my daughter's best friend - she was 5.

My daughter didn't cry as much as I had expected. She stood bravely over her casket and held her friend's hand while rubbing it gently. We went and sat in the pews and she asked if she could go to the casket again.

Did she understand what was happening? Yes, definitely. She asked many questions leading up to the day of the funeral and many more afterwards.

For her it was some closure. She later told us that the reason she kept going to the casket was because she knew it was the last time she would see her. And it was then that I knew I made the right decision by taking them to the funeral. Her friend was killed in an accident and up until the funeral she hadn't had a chance to say goodbye.

Standing in the cemetary as you are about to leave is the hardest part. That's when we realized how fully aware she was of what was happening. This was heart breaking for us.

Now my youngest was 4 and completely opposite. He was sad and extremely well behaved. He asked a few questions but for the most part it didn't phase him much.

4 years later my daughter still remembers. She remembers the flowers at the funeral and the pinwheel at the cemetary. She still talks about her friend every now and then but not about the funeral. Certain movies will trigger memories or make her sad and bring tears. But we still laugh and giggle when we talk about the things the two of them used to do together.

I think every mother has that gut instinct of what is right for your child. This is one time that I think you should follow it.

Your family is in my prayers.

C.

My oldest daughter was about 5 when my mother in law was killed in a car accident. We did take her to the funeral and really just let her "be". There were times she'd go up and just look at her in the casket. She never really cried, but I think it was good to help her understand. Later, when we were taking care of things at the house, she'd come in various times and ask or mention things Grandma couldn't do anymore..or that she was in heaven, or whatever. It seemed sort of callous at the time, but I think at that age, it did help her to understand what was happening and to grieve as best a 5 year old can.

I suggest just explaining things as he asks and letting him be a part of it as much as he can will help. Also, don't cover your own grief. that's how he learns how to cope now and even later on in his life.

My prayers are with you and your family. Keep us updated!

I had the same problem 3 years ago when my grandmother passed away. My step-son was very close to her and when I told him he was devestated. We took him to the showing but not to the funeral. I now regret not taking him. he to this day asks why we did not let him say good-bye to Grandma Nebbie (as he called her since her name was Nettie)before they buried her. He still cries just thinking of her and always want us to take him to "see" her at the grave yard. If you think your child is strong enough to attend I would suggest letting him so that he can have some closure! Good luck and sorry for your loss.

This is a tough call. Kids at that age...it's hard to explaine death to them. They have trouble grasping the permanency of it. They see an actor in a movie get shot and killed, then they see the very same actor in another movie and he seems to be alive and well...it's confusing for them. I would say to take him to the wake so he can atleast see him and try to explaine to him that a wake is where you say your goodbyes to those who die. If they were that close and he doesn't get to go to the wake then he might be angry about it when he gets older because he was denied the opportunity to say goodbye. He may not understand completely though, but in time as he grows he'll get the concept.