Need Reassurance -Husbands/cheating

Updated on July 01, 2015
M.H. asks from Madison, WI
14 answers

I have been unfortunate to grow up with male role models in my life that have had affairs - my dad, an uncle that I really looked up to.

As an adult, I continue to see males that I think would never cheat, end up cheating on their wives. Every few years this happens.
The male that recently cheated really shocked me. He/the whole family was/is committed to the church and they worked really hard on their marriage. I think there were rough times, but they worked so hard. The wife was/still is in shock even 1 1/2 years later. I am still shocked. I thought this guy was someone that many other males in our church could look up to as a committed husband.

So that is some history about me. Needless to say my 'radar' when it comes to thoughts of my husband cheating is very off.
I've had boyfriends from the past cheat on me too, so this doesn't help either.

Anyway, my kids go to a summer camp at the facility where hubby exercises. So I was there with the kids to drop them off. Hubby had already left. He goes there 5 days a week, very early. Strange thing is I always wondered if he might be seeing someone there because he gets there 20-30 minutes (before 6am) before they're even open. Don't quite get that.So this situation has me wondering even more now.

Anyway a lady (never seen her before) walks out of the gym and I said to the kids that it looked like one of their teachers. It wasn't, but she looked a lot like a previous teacher they've had. I didn't even know who this lady was. Both of my kids say 'oh that is Daddy's friend. When he is working out they are always hanging around each other and talking and then they come out to the parking lot and talk and talk.' The kids only go to the gym with him occasionally - so this is when they've seen her. He usually goes by himself.

He has never mentioned this lady friend to me -

1st question - is that probably 'normal' that he has this femaile friend who he talks with frequently that i have never heard about - maybe -what do you think?

When I got home I told him the kids saw one of his friends - a lady with blond hair. He says her name is Dan -that name seems little strange to me, but whatever. And he says that she is an older lady.
I saw her from far away but I think she had spandex on and she looked in her 40s to me. But I could be wrong - she was pretty far away.

So overall I'm just looking for reassurance that my radar is off -he is not cheating and many of your husbands may hang out with ladies -gym, work, etc. that you've never heard about and this is totally normal and I should not be alarmed.

At this point I don't even really want to discuss it with him because I know my radar is off and I don't want to create drama assuming there isn't anything.
I guess if there is anyone else on here with a similiar history as mine, do you go through this too - worry about husband cheating due to your past experiences on this?
One more thing - if the shoe was on the other foot and the kids pointed out a guy (no worries there isn't one-just hypothetical) to him that I am friends with and always talk to, yet he has never heard a word about this guy, I really feel he would have at least a little bit of curiosity that there is some man I'm friends with that he has never heard of. But maybe not.

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So What Happened?

uh oh -below someone wrote that in a previous post I lost my mind because my husband wouldn't leave a board room meeting to talk to me....uh I don't remember husband doesn't even attend board room I'm lost on that one. are you sure that was me that posted that? And I don't ever remember losing my mind.
I rarely post and my 'name' is so generic I would be surprised if someone remembers much from my previous posts.

Anyway I have asked, several years ago why he goes to the gym early - the reasons seem understandable - there are only a couple machines (the type he uses) in the facility so he likes to be able to get there right when they open so he can use the machine. This is true - only 2 of the type he uses. When he gets there before they open he does his stretching and likes the time before he goes in to get himself more energetic/awake. Prior to this gym,he used to go to a gym that opened at 5am and he would get there before 5:30am and he has always been bummed this place doesn't open until 6am. He likes starting as early as he can.
So I've always felt these reasons were legit. Just this situation made me rethink it today since it has seemed odd to me at times that he goes so early.

I really appreciate the compassionate responses and help. Thank you so much.
We are leaving for a trip in a couple weeks for my husband's parents 50th wedding anniversary. I am nervous about flying, just general anxiety about the trip and I've been working really hard to stay positive, upbeat in preparation for this trip. I am looking forward to it and I don't really want to deal with anything very stressful right now. I'm trying to keep things on a positive, non-stressful, upswing. So I guess even if he was actually cheating I wouldn't want to deal with it right now so I'm not going to say anything about it at this point. I am ovulating and I always get non rational thoughts this time of the month.
I figure if he is cheating it has probably been going on for months/maybe years -who knows but the trip is a few weeks a way so if he is cheating and has been for a long time, what is a few more weeks.
I'll probably have a different perspective anyway if I just pray about this and see it rationally.

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answers from Baton Rouge on

Either you trust him or you don't.
My husband has female friends, He has female friends with whom he has had sex in the past. They are still friends, and I would not be the slightest bit worried if I came home and found one of them in my living room.
Some of them have sent me friend requests on Facebook. If they ask, I accept. If they don't, I don't assume that must mean they have something to hide from me, and I don't go pestering them for friend requests jsut so that I can see what he and they might be talking about.
And yes, I have been cheated on. My first husband would stick his dick into anything with a pulse.

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answers from Las Vegas on

A couple of things. It is strange that he has never mentioned this woman IF in fact it's someone with whom he talks to all the time when at the gym 5 days a week.. Two... why does he go to the gym EXTRA early if it's not open.. especially at that hour....
I think you have the right to ask a few questions like.. who is this woman..
also, what does he do before the gym opens?
honestly, whether I suspected anything or not.. I'd be curious why at that hour, someone was willing to go somewhere that supposedly isn't open....

also.. IF someone hangs out with someone enough, they DO tell their significant other, even if just friends.. it's just normal to bring this kind of stuff up..

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answers from Pittsburgh on

I think that this is a sign that you and your husband need more time for intimacy - and I don't mean sex, I mean date nights and times when you communicate, talk about life, and stay connected.

I don't find it odd that your husband has made friends at the gym. My DH and I both have situational friends - work friends, gym friends, book club friends - that our spouses don't know. And sometimes they are men, sometimes they are women, for both of us.

But what would surprise me is if DH had gotten to be friends with someone I hadn't heard of, because if you talk alot, people come up in conversation. Things like "So, I was talking to my friend Becki at work today, you know, the new person I told you about who just moved here, and she said that blah blah blah.... "

Are there any guarantees that he's not cheating? No, there are no guarantees in life. But the fact that he has a friend you've never hear of - I wouldn't jump to cheating as my first thought, but I might jump to the conclusion that maybe you are starting to drift apart and don't know each other as well as you thought, and you should consider putting in some effort into fixing that.

ETA: Ok, I did blow right past the fact that he 'goes to the gym' before it's even open. Have you ASKED him why he does that? This is weird, and I can't believe you've never discussed it with him.

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answers from St. Louis on

Honestly remembering your old posts you husband doesn't have a chance. He could be kept in a tower away from all women and you would think he was cheating.

Sorry but the normal response is not to jump to cheating. My ex husband cheated on me, several times, my husband could be sitting in the middle of a circle of bikini models and I would not think I wonder if he is cheating. I could see a picture his friend posted of that and not worry. So you may want to believe he would think the same but I doubt he would.

I remember you losing your mind because your husband didn't walk out of a board meeting to take you call.

There is a thing called self fulfilling prophecy, when someone is judged to always be doing something they tend to just go ahead and do it. I mean if you think they are anyway why bother trying to be good. Please for your marriage get a therapist, talk to them.

I used to work out a lot, I talked to guys, half the time I didn't even know their names. I didn't see them other than when I was working out. Sure if my kids saw me talking to anyone they would ask about my friend because that is how kids think. Please, therapist, for your kids, for your marriage

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answers from Los Angeles on

Uh....seems odd to me.
The kids recognized her & you didn't ever hear about her and he goes...early...every day?

I have a friend whose rotten husband left her. When she sat down to tell her kids, O. of them asked "is it Bridgette?"

The kids knew.

If I were you? I'd suspect something is not above board, IMO.
Good luck.

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answers from Minneapolis on

"Cheating" comes in many different forms. Not just sex. My initial response based on what you wrote is don't ignore your radar. Just because you are super sensitive, doesn't mean your wrong. I think you know "something" is wrong somewhere with this whole situation, otherwise you wouldn't have all these reservations and questions. This doesn't mean he is cheating per se, but he may not be entirely honest with you about something and it is causing you to worry.

I don't really have an answer as to what to do about it, though. If it were me, I would be demanding answers - but that is because that is who I am, not because I think it is the right thing to do. If my husband has nothing to hide, then he can withstand a little "third degree" to settle my nerves about something.

If you really don't feel like asking your husband about your concerns, please consider seeing someone just to talk and get things off your chest. Worrying about something like this can really eat away at a person - having a safe place to talk can only help.

Good luck!

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answers from Cleveland on

Love him up when you get home and don't worry about this. I think from the background you have given u don't have anything to worry about.

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answers from Norfolk on

You can easily drive yourself nuts with wondering about it.
Either you trust him or you don't.
I would trust him up until there was absolute incontrovertible proof to the contrary - and then there would be no going back to trusting him ever again.

You need to think about why you feel insecure enough to wonder about if/when he'll cheat on you (if ever).
Yes - you have a history - it's happened to you before.
But it's not healthy or fair to pronounce him guilty for injustices against you that others have committed.

You have to think like this:
You are the BEST THING that's ever happened to your husband.
You (should) know it and he should know it.

If he doesn't know this and isn't begging on his knees to be with you -
then who the hell needs him?
Not you!
And if that's the case then 'set him free' and kick him to the curb.

If he's faithful, loving, respectful and appreciates you and all you do for him then love him completely and give him the trust and devotion he deserves and has earned.

Perhaps you need some counseling to help you overcome your past.
It's got to be tough living with and waiting for a betrayal that on some level you feel is always right around the corner.
You've been emotionally injured and you need help to recover from it.

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answers from Kansas City on

It sounds like maybe you've had questions for a while and this is the first piece of something that you can make fit.

I don't know if your husband is cheating, but I do know you're worried about it which says a lot…especially given your history.

I will also say that my husband goes to the gym very early in the morning, sometimes before it opens but not regularly. However, he does not have any gym buddies, male or female. He is there to work out, not hang out, so he does his thing and gets out. I would expect most men to be that way, but there can be exceptions.

If he so friendly with this lady that your kids recognize her and know they talk in the parking lot, I think its weird that you don't know more about her. My husband tells me about all his casual female acquaintances, for the most part, anyway, because he is just like that, in a full disclosure kind of way. Plus, it just comes up in conversation…people you work with, people you see regularly at places, etc. It works both ways with us.

I'm not saying to be worried, but like I said, it sounds like you already are and keeping in mind that you're already worried, I could see how you might consider these things red flags.

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answers from Boston on

My husband and I each have friends and work colleagues of the opposite sex. Some we have met, some we have not. But we pick up each other's phone calls and the other person is always happy to talk with the spouse - that is, his female colleagues know that I answer his office phone (here in the house) and he picks up my cell if he can find it and figure out how to answer it. No secrets, and we are often helpful to the other's coworkers because we know what projects are being worked on.

You can't tell who is a cheater (or a wife abuser or a child abuser or an ax murderer) by how they act. In fact, the most successful abusers are charismatic, charming people who worm their way into others' trust. So the fact that you couldn't believe the other man was a cheat just says that you have (like many people) an unrealistic expectation of what a "cheater" acts like - by definition, the successful ones are the ones who would never attract suspicion. So maybe that's what you mean about your radar being off. You are trusting the wrong people.

The huge red flag for your situation is that you know nothing about this woman except what you have seen and what the kids have said. So the question is, why not? The other possible red flag is that he is getting to the gym 1/2 hour early - there may be a reason but I'd want to find out, if I were you, why he's not home or why he's not working out, one or the other. If he walked out with this woman, why didn't he march right over to your car and introduce you? "Hey, Mary Lou, I want you to meet my wife. Honey, this is Mary Lou that I've told you I work out with."

I don't know if your husband is cheating or not. I do know that children who say "the adults talk and talk" could mean 3 minutes or 30 minutes - kids aren't so good at that stuff. Also, I do know that things are not open and communicative between you, and I do know that you lack confidence. So I think you would benefit from counseling, either with him or without him (or some of each) with the intent of improving your give-and-take with each other.

If you don't have access to each other's phones, why not? My neighbor had a problem with her husband (similar to you - off to the gym - a friend tipped her off). The husband and the woman would park their cars next to each other, then leave the gym and go for coffee together. So my friend popped her 2 kids in the car and headed down there, jumped out of the car and said, "Hi, we thought we'd join you for breakfast." So you can do that, and you can hop up early and get down to the gym 30 minutes before it opens and see where he is and with whom. In this day and age, you can even track someone's phone via GPS. You can even hire an investigator if you want. But I think you need to start with a counselor, figure out how to broach this subject if you are so afraid to do it on your own, and get an objective ally to help you figure out what he's talking about (or not talking about).

Either way, you and he need a better way to share your lives, hopes, fears, and concerns.

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answers from Fayetteville on

Ask him. Tell him your paranoid because of your dad, uncle, friends, boyfriends, etc. Communicate!


answers from Minneapolis on

Based on your history, I can understand why your husband wouldn't mention this woman. She is a trigger for you and he probably knew she would be. I have male co-worker friends and my husband has female, but I can still be triggered. I just try and recognize it instead of getting consumed.
Gong to the gym that early does not make sense and I would ask him about that.
Here is how I would approach this (I have a similar background as you):
Hey, running into that woman today just kind of caught me off-guard with the kids' comments and then my mind started spinning to you going early before they're even open. I just want to be honest with you where my head goes to rather than letting it spin out of control.
and give him a chance to talk. You're not accusing him of anything, just expressing your feelings.



answers from San Francisco on

I never worry about husbands cheating because if they really want to, you can't stop them.

If the only thing your husband does is go early to the gym, but nothing else is different or unusual -- you usually know where he is and where he says he is makes sense -- then you don't have to worry about him cheating. Not much can happen in 1/2 hour before a workout.

I've been cheated on, and I can tell you that when your husband is cheating, there are little signs -- he does things differently, has unaccounted-for time, things don't add up, etc.

If it were me, I would say to my husband, "I hear that you are talking a lot and hanging out with 'Dan'. Weird name. I just want you to be careful about being too friendly with another woman (and not telling me), because that can sometimes lead to something more serious. But I'm not going to micromanage you, you're a big boy."

And then I would drop it, because I'm not my husband's babysitter, and I'm not going to micromanage him into being faithful.


answers from Kansas City on

Ugh. I have a similar background in that I was cheated on. And I chose to stay with him for quite a few years before I left, which put me in the "is he or isn't he" boat WAY too often. I HATE that feeling. And I completely understand how inevitable it is.

What the ladies have said is right, from "Either you trust him or you don't" (You don't.) to "Forget it and make him happy". (Easier said than done.)

All of it is good advice, but having been in your shoes I KNOW how hard it is. You waffle, you try to believe in him but can't, you convince yourself you do, and put it out of your mind for awhile, then something else happens.....

It is literally a no-win situation. Confronting him will cause a big blow up, trying to ignore it will tear you up inside.

I finally told myself, unless I had absolute proof, I would do my best to forget it and move on. I was going to go crazy otherwise. I don't have much advice to offer - I did end up leaving the man I knew had cheated, for that and many other reasons. I never got my "proof" but it got to be too much. I couldn't trust him. Once I finally admitted that to myself it was over.

I'm sorry, I know this doesn't help much. I suppose to answer your question (which I really should do) - yes, I think it's a huge red flag and I would have a huge problem with it. But I know that doesn't help much either because you're already seeing the red flag and you still don't know what to do. I'm with you in spirit. I do think counseling would help. Counseling always helps. Good luck though.

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