Need Ideas! How to Handle My Son...

Sounds like he has a little bit of too much unsupervised time on his hands.

Someone must have put oil based paint over water based or vice/versa for the paint to peel like that. It would be pretty hard to stop a little kid from peeling paint.... I have to admit I had a fascination for that myself when I was a kid :)

He's got busy hands and needs something to do. He's not too young for piano lessons, karate, t-ball, etc. Sounds like he really needs something worthy to do and you will see the bad behavior disappear.

Crazy idea. What about painting his room with the green chalkboard paint? Then he can draw on it and make his own art?

because a 3 year old is not mature enough to be trustworthy, left alone, that's why. he's being a totally normal 3 year old. i have to respectfully disagree that your child has some kind of mental issue. you're talking about a long period of time. yes he's almost 4 now (ALMOST) but you're talking about his actions as a 3 year old. you can't even diagnose something like OCD in a 3 year old.

at least in my experience. my son didn't really play well alone till he had been 4 for awhile, and then only for short periods. we have had him clean crayon off his walls with magic eraser. kids do these kinds of things. leaving my son alone, even now, at almost 6, is just asking for some kind of mess. (although nowdays it's usually because he was trying to get his own drink, etc - trying to be bigger than he is, rather than just being precocious)

and my son is not some sort of crazy misbehaving hellion either. he's super well behaved. but you have to know your child and know his age group. just my opinion of course. i could be totally off base...i will be watching to see what the other mamas think...

Ever tried discipline? And, not so much time unsupervised?

It seems to me, he gets talked to, which is not a consequence. I'm wondering if he just isn't really bored and also unsupervised too much. When is he doing these things? I would notice right away if my 3 year old was doing these things, and he does have alone play time. However, I think your son has too much. He has BEYOND proven he can't be left alone so long. Where are the parents in all of this? What are the consequences? Why is he so bored?

Unless your child has been seen by a behavioral physician, you really don't know if something else is going on. You can't really say you KNOW there isn't something "mental" going on. Please realize...parents see the best in their children. Doctors see the reality. Not that I'm suggesting there is a mental issue. Actually, to me it seems more of a parenting and time issue.

LOL... Meant kindly... Because he's 3.

There's a really funny open add Blog titled : SH!7 My Kids Ruined.
http://www.shitmykidsruined.com/

Today's photo is 2 boys, 1 barbell, 3/4s toilet.

(It doesn't appear to be elongated. Apparently, it's a mass revolt for more 'room'. Hey. if a barbell doesn't fit, I guess the massive wieners wouldn't either?)

The VAST majority of these photos are 3&4yo inspired. Old enough for parents to THINK they can be left alone, not actually old enough to be left alone.

Then there's the 8&9yo ones (those tend to be majorly creative 'destructive testing'). When the ARE old enough to be left alone, but 'CAN we????'
Trumps 'Should we?'.

And don't even get me started on teen years. Although hairspray and nail polish has created some die laughing reads. Do too has 'helping' (painting, cooking, etc.)

Just to know... It's not just 'modern' kids (I have 2 Amish friends that have stories that would curl your hair, nor American kids (ever see what happens when you unravel a tatami mat??? Or break chopsticks off in electrical outlets?

I have to say though, as far as 'gender bias', I'll take boys over girls. IN GENERAL if you shout "What are you DOING up there???" boys will cheerfully tell you they're making a louge on the stairs for the cat... But girls pitch their voices all innocent and sweetly call out "Nothing!" (while building a louge on the stairs for the cat).

Are there any consequences for his behavior?

At 4, he's old enough to know better. However, why would he stop, if all he gets is a "don't do that"?

How about eliminating any alone time in the room? To me, if you behave like that, you will not get private time until you can figure out how to act. Sounds like he can't handle being unsupervised, or may be bored.

We went thru this too. Take his room away. Strip it down to nothing but a bed and a dresser. No toys, no time in his room but sleep etc. Remove the ability to be in there alone aside from sleeping. Yes, this will be annoying for a while - but it should work. No nightlight either if he is using it for destruction. No curtains - No blinds etc. If he complains tell him with good behavior he can earn back ONE item every few days - make a chart. My son is just now earning his door back - but his room is in good condition.

I agree with Dawn about giving a place he can destroy things properly. Like blocks or a sandcastle. We like the cardboard blocks like at the doctors to build a fort and then my son comes in like the giant and fi fi fo fums it down.

Your needs and your son's needs are clearly not in agreement. You tell him he "needs" to take care of his beautiful room. Well, his need is to have a usable space that's comfortable for him and allows him creative (or, as you see it, destructive) options.

It would be fair to tell him YOU need him to keep it as you designed it. It's not really fair to tell him what he needs to do. That won't ever make sense to him on a deeply emotional level.

But how about offering him some creative alternatives? You could, for instance, put up a big sheet of butcher paper on one wall, and let him make whatever art or murals he likes. If you hung a roll of paper against the wall, old scribbles could be torn off when he wants a new surface. A big bulletin board might give him other options. And be sure he has plenty of physical activity so he doesn't need to climb the walls. (Or what about a climbing wall?)

His paint alteration sounds potentially creative in its own way. It's not actually his fault the paint peels so easily. How about a camo paint job that he could help with and take pride in? Or a jungle theme for the dinos? If he has a say in how his room is decorated, he'll be more invested in keeping it up.

I was born with a crayon in hand, and drew on the walls from a very early age (I now do illustration for a living). I got in trouble for it often, but I'll tell you, there were the most hideous duckies and lambies with pink cheeks and smiling lips all over my walls, and even at a very young age, I could not stand them. The crayons seemed my best available option – I could put in pictures I liked better. Of course, my mom didn't care that I didn't like them, because SHE did, and she put them up. Nobody asked me what I wanted.

I hope you and your fiance will read the most wonderful and wise little book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. The book is filled with real-life examples of how parents help their children become creative problem solvers on all sorts of issues. This approach is amazing with my 6yo grandson.

I have to disagree with others about his age and that he is old enough to understand. He is 4, he does not understand the implications of what he is doing vs. grandma made him curtains and his room was painted to look nice. It sounds like he wants to explore creatively and his wall is his canvas - literally. I like the idea of putting up butcher paper or painting with chalk paint. You can fight the battle or find a way to re-direct his creativity toward a more acceptable medium.

Also, it is easier to accept that his room is his room and let him have the way he wants it, of course to a certain extent. I gave up on making my kids keep their room straight, I don't live in there and as long as they pick up after themselves around the house - we are all happy.

Regarding his response of 'I dunno.' - he really doesn't know. He doesn't have the vocabulary or communication skills to tell you why. He just 'does'.

Kids are reactive not proactive. Maturity helps with that at about the time they leave the house :)

Not sure that it's a medical issue.
Could just be a curious, rambunctious 3 almost 4 year old.
I know my son has a TON of energy.
I have to engage w/him all day. It's only painful when I'm sick.
Sounds like he has idle hands.
I say engage WITH him as much & as often as you can. (I know there is
housework to be done, calls to return & dinner to be made etc but try
focusing on just him for 15 mins in spurts throughout the day.)

I make sure my son has outside time (with me of course), park time, bike
riding time, places to visit to stimulate his mind & get him thinking like
the train museum, kid matinee movies, outdoor markets & fairs, outdoor
kid activities, local children's get togethers etc )

What do you tell yourself so it no longer others you & your fiance? Honestly? You just have to know he's a kid. Also, I can almost guarantee you without knowing you, that both of you got into a little mischief when you were little.

Now that I have a child, I tell my mom sorry I gave her a run for her money. She just smiles. Payback is funny to her.

He most likely does not have a medical issue but just being a child. Remember, it's not the pretty things in our homes that make it a home; it's the wonderful people in it that make it loving, cozy & worthwhile!

3/4 year olds don't care about design or decorating.
Focus on reading or sports or games or whatever it is that your son loves.
Seriously, he doesn't care about this stuff at his age, why do you?

MommyCakes, he's too old to be doing this. He knows it's inappropriate to be doing this to his room.

Time to strip his room. The curtains need to go. The walls need to be repaired and painted by a professional. I read your addition that your MIL painted over oil based paint - I guess she learned her lesson here.

If you think that Roman shades might work, you might try that. Make sure they are pulled up all the way during the day and that the cord is stored high up.

Every time he trashes a room (whether it's his or not), you need to empty his room of his toys. He can "earn" them back every day that he doesn't do something destructive.

However, this isn't enough. There is "something" about him that makes him want to do this. You need to find an outlet for this that is acceptable. I don't know what he's hammering with in your house (I hope to God it isn't a real hammer...) but you should get him some sort of kit that he can use to "build" something. Taking apart things to figure out how they work can help this too.

When a child has a propensity towards doing something that isn't quite socially acceptable but points toward a constructive thing later on in life, like what it sounds like your son has, then you must work WITH it instead of just against it. However, you must really put the brakes on doing it in destructive ways in your house! Like I said, he is too old to be doing that.

Good luck,
Dawn

I would take out all the nice stuff before he totally destroys it. If he wants to draw with the nightlight, he loses the nightlight. Kids can be destructive. But they can also learn not to write on the walls, put holes in them, etc. What consequence did he get for his destruction? Frankly, when my DD took a non-washable crayon to the wall right behind our couch, I did let her know how angry I was about it. And when I was about 4 and took a red marker to a white bathroom wall, my mom made me scrub it for a while. I wouldn't not let it bother me because the behavior won't stop being ignored.

Hi! He's three, of course he's going to experiment in his world. It also sounds like he needs something to do. Let him make controlled chaos, washable markers on a specific wall or door or window, experiments with baking soda and vinegar (and mud and sawdust and soap and whatever else he can think of), paint himself with shaving cream, any fun messy thing you can think of.
My son (19) lets his little ones draw on him. He's a swim coach and knows something... If he occupies their little nervous selves they forget about being nervous. It's all about giving them positive things to think on.
Have him help you around the house instead of hanging out with time on his hands. Oh, curtains in a boys bedroom- not a good idea, my BIL set them on fire when he and my DH were little.
Mostly, don't stress, let him know what he is doing is wrong but realize little boys just can't help themselves. And then watch out for when they are bigger!!!

Sounds like he needs more SUPERVISED activities that he enjoys. They don't neccesarily need to be structured or require you to interact with him at all times, but things he can do in whatever room you are usually in. He also needs consequences for his behaviors. These will teach him what your expectaions are in your home.

I agree with a few points here.....
But my opinions are this. He is old enough to be taught RESPECT. Respecting his home, and you as his mom and authority figure. While kids will ruin things because they don't "realize" the importance of things. There needs to be consequences. Period. It is NOT okay to peel paint, "draw" on walls with a lamp, crayon etc. Yes boys can be busy and destructive....but also taught not to ruin their home, clothes, other people's property. He needs to be taught that if he wants to express himself, it's not be done on your walls. And yes, seems like he can't be unsupervised for so long.
My almost 2 year old I don't let out of my sight for more then 30 seconds without varifying what he is doing, and then I re-check every minute or two for safety reasons. But my four year old...if he's being quiet he is playing, imagining etc. He wasnt always this way, but is now. When he wasnt I watched him like a hawk too.
Get your son a big bucket of "craft" stuff...glue sticks with fuzz balls, googley eyes, stickers, pipe cleaners, lots of paper crayons paint. The DESIGNATE an area where he is allowed to use things. In the meantime, I agree...strip his room. Bed and blankets, dresser. Nothing that he can use to cause damage with. And if he continues to do these things he dows need to be punished. If he doesn't know better right now, now would be the time to start teaching him!

What forms of discipline are you using when he does these things and are you being consistent?? If all you are doing is telling him not to do that then you aren't getting the point across. And in my house, I don't know is not an answer from my 6 or 12 yr olds!!!!! He needs to be taught respect, it isn't something they just know. You are the parent so you need to make him fix his broken/messed up things. If he has money, take him to the store and have him pay for a new curtain rod. Give him a wet rag to clean his walls, take a trash bag in his room and make him throw away broken toys, etc. He is old enough to understand that what he is doing is wrong.

If you son wants to be destructive, put him in time out, ground him, take tv time or something away. There is no reason he should act like this and it's his age is a poor excuse too. If he keeps doing it, take everything out except his bed and clothes and make him earn his stuff back.
Neither one of my kids ever behaved like that because they knew they would get a swat across the butt if they did.

S.

We painted a room in my daughters room with chalkboard paint, she has a big bucket of.chalk in there. She still does some destruction, like coloring all the baseboard with maroon non washable crayon, but its easier to redirect her to stay on the chalk wall with the chalk. I would try something like that, or hang posterboard on the walls and give him a cup of washable crayons. If he some release on the allowed areas, he.may leave the rest of the house alone.

I agree with others who say that at 4, he doesn't really or fully understand.

He should be disciplined, yes, for the destructive stuff. He needs to learn to ask before doing that stuff _and_ also be given an outlet for his creative energy.

But redirect him. Ask around with your neighbors and see if anyone has bought anything that may have those styrofoam blocks to protect the item in the package and bring those home. Buy some cheap golf tees, and give him a hammer and tell him to pound away. Let him cut at it, too (yes, it may be a little messy, but better the styrofoam block than the house!). Get dad to have him help with some minor projects, even if the projects don't work (build a bird house, etc), where he can help dad use his tools and make things.

Get a big roll of craft paper and tape a great big strip on the wall--he is only to color on that. And/or get some of the "chalkboard" wall paint (http://www.benjaminmoore.com/en-us/for-your-home/chalkboa...) and paint a section of the wall.

Enroll him in some physical activities through the rec center, the Y or the metro parks, or something like gymnastics/tai kwon do (sp?), and make sure he plays lots outside. Having him use up his energy so that at night, he's going to sleep pretty quickly! And if need be, you and dad take turns sitting in his room till he's asleep. Install a baby monitor (might need to hide it?) so you can hear him and hopefully wake up and stop the behavior immediately (it will be more effective if you can intterupt him in the process, rather than find it later, after the deed is done and his attention is on something else).

Your son is old enough to know that this isn't right. Paint his room back to white and take out all the nice stuff in there. What have you done to discipline him when he does do this? You have to be firm and stand your ground. If he says he doesn't know why he did it then put him in time out for 4 minutes. He may know why he is doing it but then again at that age he may not.

Oh man have I been there! I decorated my son's room sooooo cute and he did kind of the same, he was like 2.5 or maybe three but it irked me non the less. Pulled the decor off the walls and I have had now a couple of artists get after many of my walls when a loose crayon has been found etc! I do think it's the age and just being curious boys. I am on my second curtain rod in my boys room and I need to replace it bc it is half falling down as well! The peeling paint really isn't his fault. I painted some furniture and had this happen as well and what kid could resist pulling something, it is just too much temptation!! So I just let the room be crappy for a while. I get the curtain rods from walmart for like $3 and I just hang really cute curtains on them. I am about to update their bedding to some really cool avengers and Thomas themes and get them each a cool poster and put it in a poster frame over their beds and buy wooden letters for their names and paint them and hang in the high on the wall :) LOL The love and attention we put into their rooms means so much to us but as they are playing they get so engrossed in whatever game etc that they aren't thinking of their mommy and all the time she spent making that room special. My kids bedroom is also a play place for them so I am going to just put up some really basic and cute decor that is pretty indestructible and great bedding so when their beds are made the room will be adorable :) Good luck, he is just being all boy in my opinion :)

First of all, he does not know why he does it. Maybe he has something wrong with him like OCD. I am not a doctor, but my son used to have more issues with this than he does now... I had to lock all of the sharpies up in our home for the longest time. I would have him evaluated by a mental health professional. A lot of times it is a chemical imbalance in the brain and medication and therapy can make a world of difference. It always helps me to remind myself that it is the illness speaking and not him. But anyone would be upset about this. so don't blame yourself for it. It is a medical issue and not due to your parenting skills.