Need Honest Advice About Reaching Out to Father of Child

He knows where you are, if he wanted a relationship with her he would have one. From experience on the other side of the fence I doubt the wife has anything to do with it.

My ex had a child before we got together. I tried for years to convince him to have a relationship with his son, but he didn't want to. He paid CS, but had no desire to know the child. In the long run it was for the best. If I had succeeded in forcing him the only thing it would have accomplished was putting a face to the name 'daddy' - it was better for the boy to never have known him than to have known him and had him walk away.

What about trying to get in touch with the grandparents? They may love to be involved with their grandaughter and not even know about her. They also might have some insight into the sons situation. Just a thought.

Stop trying to contact him. Unfortunately, it is his choice whether he wants a relationship with her or not. As long as he is paying his support, I would let him make the next move. For her, tell her the truth. You don't need to talk bad about him, but just tell her that he doesn't know how to be a father and isn't ready to be in her life.

Hi M. S, If he wanted to see her he would contact you regardless of if he was getting your letters or pictures. He must not be ready and how unfortunate. I never new my father, he left when I was 1. As I got older and asked my mom she would always say that she did not know where he was or why he didn't contact us, but if he could he would. She never said a bad word about him nor did any of my other family members, at least not in front of us kids. I think it was because of this self control that my family showed, I never had any "Daddy" issues or resentment. When I was 23 he did contact my brother and myself, in fact the 1st time I met him was at my wedding. I had no desire to have any sort of relationship with him. However my mother said I should do it for him, not me. He was older and needed closure with this embarrassing thing he did, abandon his children. She explained to me that he was never a bad man, not a mean spirit, not an a**hole, just a really really bad father. So we let him in with low expectations. He has stuck around for the last 10 years, although he lives 3,000 miles away. He sends Birthday cards to all the grandchildren, calls on holidays and that's enough for me.
So my point is... You have done what you can do and can feel good about the efforts you've made to have her father in her life. Now it's his turn. Stop attempting to get a hold off him. You can honestly tell your daughter as she gets older that you tried your best. Could the new wife be throwing away your letters? Absolutely. But you shouldn't have to be reaching out to him he should reaching for her. Keep up the good work of not saying negative things about him, it will help your daughter in the long run. You are a very mature, non-vindictive, and forgiving mom and these wonderful traits will be passed on to your daughter.
L. :)

Coming from that situation, I can totally empathize. You are in a very difficult situation. My father doesn't want anything to do with me and I am almost 40 and have a two year old that he has never seen. (I did send him my address and the birth announcement).
My advice is that you can't change him or force him to do something he either isn't ready for or doesn't want to do. You are doing great with your explanations to your daughter. One thing to do would be introduce a father figure in her life...Grandfather, Uncle, Pastor, relative, good non-romantic male friend. That is the one thing I missed most growing up.
I think it is better to have an absentee father than one that might be bitter or mean or even violent. You have good intentions for your daughter, but I wouldn't try to contact him again for a while. Good luck <3 and feel free to message me personally if you ever need to vent or talk.

He knows your daughter exists and pays child support. He also knows he has not seen her since she was 6 months old. I'm not sure how else he can communicate to you that he is not interested.

It is his loss.

I know exactly how you feel. I know I will probably get lots of boos for this but as someone who has been through it I can easily say, leave him alone. My daughter is 12 and her father does not pay CS and has never met her, he made it very clear he did not want to have anything to do with her he was to busy worrying about HIM! I have in the last 4 mo had contact with him and he asked about seeing her and explained that someday she will want to know him but right now she does not.

You have to ask yourself, if he really wanted to see her he would!

this is going to sound harsh but just give up getting in touch with him. I really cant see why you would want your daughter to know a person like this. If/when she gets older and wants to find him leave that up to her but I would just leave it alone for now he doesnt sound like someone you would want her to know

His wife may be throwing away the letters/pictures, but he's paying child support yet makes no attempt to contact your daughter. What more evidence do you need to show you that he doesn't want anything to do with her? It's his responsibility to try to have a relationship with her, not yours. Write him off and be there for your daughter. That's the best you can do. But it's his loss. Shame on him!!!

Definitely stop trying to contact him. I know it breaks your heart to see your daughter upset, but he's not worth the time and effort. He's paying child support - that's good. And that has to be enough. If/when he's ready to meet her HE'LL have to explain why he was gone all those years. If that never happens, then at least she'll have had a loving mother who always put her first. Tell her the (age appropriate) truth about him. Don't bad mouth him (which you said you're not) because IF they ever meet, it'll come back to bit you. Also, girls who grow up without a dad tend to romaticise the 'idea of a dad' and she may resent you for any 'extra' negativity.

Be honest: you don't know why, but he's decided that he doesn't want to be part of your family and he may not ever be. Tell her it's NOT HER FAULT in ANY way and that no matter what, YOU love her more than anything and will ALWAYS be there for her. Tell her this often.

Try send a registered letter addressed to him... she cant sign for it, and I would make sure I would tell the post office that they need to especially make sure that is enforced with this particular mailing. It will either come back to you unsigned or it will come back with his signature so you will know that he was exposed to the letter that is written inside. I would make a short note to him just letting him know that his daughter is asking questions and you would like to know what his future plan is for her. He should hopefully let you know. Add a couple of pictures to the letter and just make it nice and informative, don't rant or any of that.
That would be about all you can do I guess. Do you talk to his mom at all, arent they interested in seeing their grandchild. That might be the next people you try to contact.
I think you are doing the best thing you can do right now as far as what you are telling your daughter. Just short simple answers are the best and don't say anything bad like you've been doing. Tell your daughter you are doing what you can to find him you just havent been successful yet, but that you will keep on trying. And let her know if we dont find him now, maybe you will be able to find him when you grow up..... and that might settle her for a time.
Prayers to you for strength and wisdom.

Hi. I am in a similar situation. I understand the pain of knowing your child wants to know why they don’t have a daddy. My son is 4 and has not seen his father since he was 2 months old. “Dad” pays child support, but only sporadically. He has never made any contact with me to see his son. He also remarried and now has a daughter who is 2 years old. He knows how to get a hold of me; we spend time with the grandfather regularly. In my case, I am happy he is not in our lives; he is an awful person for ignoring his only son (among MANY other things). I would never want THAT to be the example to my son of how a “man” should behave. Do you really want this man in her life as an example of how he should treat women - the way he treats you and her?
I think you are making a mistake by telling your daughter that her dad is not ready to be a father. I also think you are wasting your time and emotion on trying to make this “man” something he’s obviously not. From what you have said here, it doesn’t seem that he will ever “be ready to be a father”. Telling her that “he is not ready now” implies to her that he will be someday. And that day may never come. I think that you should be straight with her. Kids understand more that you think and she will respect you for being honest with her when she is older. I have told my son that his father is not a nice person, and that he doesn’t want to be in our lives. When he asks why, I tell him I don't know, which is the truth. He is just not a good person. I don’t want to sugar coat it and give him false hope. I think the expectation of “someday he’ll be a dad” is more harmful than the truth. I feel that my son knows the truth, and he will be able to make his own decisions on how to feel with the facts, not a fantasy.
When the question comes up about dad, I always tell him that there are lots of different kinds of families. Some have no dad, some have no mom, and some have no parents, just grandparents or aunts & uncles. Some even have two moms or two dads -- luckily we have a lesbian couple that lives next door with a kid that he plays with, or I don’t think he would believe me on that one! I tell him he has lots of people who love him. Grandparents, aunts & uncles, friends. And that he is lucky to have all of these people who love him, because some people don’t have anyone.
There really are no right answers here. I know my heart breaks anytime I think about it. I always dreamed of having a family, being a stay-at-home mom. But that is not what life gave me. I can’t change it. So, all I can do is try my best every day to be the best Mom & Dad to my son. Hang in there. Your love for her is more than enough. It is his loss not to be in her life, not the other way around.

i would cut off all contact, id request that he sign away all rights, and no longer take his money, good riddance to bad rubbish

One day your daughter will understand that some people are just selfish and that you cant count on them. She will love you for your hard work and everything will be ok because YOU love her.

This "father" and his new wife are people i wouldnt want in my life

I would try to see him in person. I would also take with the papers he needs to sign to sign away his rights. I would be honest, either he gets involved or he signs away his rights...

I do not believe you should have anymore contact with his wife, this has nothing to do with her and she needs to let her man be a man and speak for himself!

Poor lil' sis...this is so sad for her...

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I think your right she is intercepting the letters and nagging him about the phone calls because she is jealous. try face book or send word through one of his friends and tell him you need to hear this from him not her. good luck. I feel for you

Do not contact him. His lack of contact is not on his jealous wife. This rests solely on his loser shoulders!!! He has done you a favor by not showing his worthless face around your child. If you are offended or want to defend him in any way, then you may still have feelings for him and you need to step back and consider your motivation. Those if us that have a child and we are not with the father at some point harbored the Mr Cleaver syndrome thinking that "maybe" he will sack up and become the man and father he should be!!! Then the real world smacks you in the head that it's not gonna happen :-(. It's his loss and your precious little one will be fine without him. Children are resilient and can bounce back. Tell her what you feel comfortable saying without putting your pain into it and move forward! It's time for you and your daughter to move forward. When you do, you will be open to so many possibilities! Good luck!

wow, what a hard situation. I will be intrestead on the advice you get. It does sound like the wife is a little more involved on decisions then you probably want her to be. I wonder if you can get a court order to request a small increase on the child support to get him to court so you can talk to him ? I also think it would be intresting if a cell number can be obtained through information or internet to try and get him directly.

I would probably go further until he, himself tells you he is not intrestead in a relationship. What a tough thing.

Your doing a great job and just really handling this well with all you said.

I know your heart is breaking for your daughter. You can't change anyone, maybe the wife is playing a part of it, however, he's grown, and if he changed his number and hasn't tried at all to see his own daughter, his flesh, I wouldn't bother. It's his loss, not yours. Tell your daughter how much you love her and that you cannot speak for anyone and neither can she. It's sad that she has to experience this so young in life. Let her know maybe one day she will be able to talk with her daddy, but right now she can't. We all have to make choices in life that will affect other people, some people are selfish and only think about themselves other people would give their own life for someone else. Then remind her you would do anything for her. You don't have to speak for him or his actions.
I'm sorry your daughter has to go through this, she's very lucky to have a great mother like you!

I'm with 'workinmom'. If he's paying support... That's all he's willing to do. If he wanted to see her, he would... No matter where his wife stands.

I think you know the answer to your question about your daughters father. If he wanted to see his daughter he would and no woman, wife would stop him from having a relationship with his daughter. I am guessing that he didn't get married right after you got pregnant, and he has not tried to see her since she was 6mo. Tell your daughter that her daddy still isn't ready to be a real dad and that it is his loss because he is missing out on a really great daughter. Tell her that every time and eventually she will stop asking because she knows what the answer will be. She may change the question to when will he be ready and your answer will be I have no idea. Tell her that she has you and that will never change and keep it moving. Don't say anymore than that

I agree with the posts that it's his responsibility to get in touch with her, regardless of his wife possibly throwing out the letters. I would try to get in touch with him at work or something, one last effort, & if he's nasty about it, then let it go for good.

i would definately go after the child support at least. however, you cannot make him love your child if he doesn't want to but you CAN make him pay child support on her. That may honestly make him think twice about nothing to do with her....sometimes that is for the best for one parent to be totally absent from the child

i grew up without my dad and i can tell you from experience that it hurts like hell to not grow up with daddy, he and i have a beautiful relationship now, and me with his wife-but now that i'm older i understand and am actually thankful i grew up without him there (in a way) because i didn't have to go through, everyother weekend/holiday/birthday and parents bs a lot of kids have to go through...do you really want your daughter going through that, her possibly calling another woman mom?? that's hard, my daughter stresses big time because dad was ok with her calling his new wife mom but not my new husband dad..it stressed her out, so i told her, ok she's (name) and he's (name) and you call mom and dad mom and dad, end of story.

you can always explain to her that it's just best that it's just you and her only for now, and when Gods ready, he'll provide YOU a good husband and HER a good father that will be there as a father should be, eventually bio dad will have to explain himself to her if he has any dignity...she may not want it when she grows up, will be her choice then.

I would not take the wife's word on it, I would insist that he be the one to tell me if he has no desire to see HIS child. It sounds to me like you may be right and this woman is blocking your attempts to contact him, why else would she have been the one to call you and not him? How far away is he? Can you go to him in person?

If he wanted to, he would make an effort to be a part of your daughter's life even if he didn't have his wife's full support. I just think that pursuing this further would be setting you and your daughter up for disappointment. His head and his heart are not in the right place right now and that may always be the case.

If you know where his parents live, you may want to contact them and give them your contact info to pass along to him when they feel the time is right. If they wish to develop a relationship with your daughter, that would be fabulous but they may also be cold and indifferent people like their son.

Just keep doing what you are doing and continue to give your daughter all of the love and support that she deserves. It's not an easy situation for you to be in but it is what it is.

Wishing you and your daughter all the best.

This is horrible. He may not even know about your letters or photos of her. Can I ask you if he is involved with his other daughter? Do you get them together at all. Do you know where he works? I do not understand how a man can make a baby and then just walk away. I would send it to his work. To bad you can not just tell your daughter Dad is a as*!!

Can you contact the wife and ask for him to call you so you know he doesn't want to be involved? I'm so sorry this is happening to your daughter. I really hope he wakes up and has a relationship with her.