Need Help with My Marriage

Very similar marriage myself. 17 years Later still here. Only regret.
That I didn't leave when my kids were little. Now they have opinions and don't understand LOVE. Just a thought. !! If he refuses counseling he doesn't want it to work. You will shed many many more tears than he ever will. Find someone who does care enough !!!!

Marriage counseling! ASAP!
Check with the VA if they have a program you can get through them. Marriage problems are SO common after a PTSD diagnosis. Military families have some of the highest divorce rates...
If he won't go, start going by yourself first.
Get some help.
Good luck!

Hi, Mama:

I understand your delimma.
Look at your husband's situation:
1: PTSD from the war. Hummvee blew up, I am sure he saw death and dying of his comrades too.
2. Young man with 2 small children and a young beautiful wife.
3. Guilt and shame from not pleasing his young beautiful wife.

All this will stop a man in his tracks.

You have heard that women are stronger than men mentally. Now you have an example of your strength.

Now for you:

1. Stop asking him for anything.
2. Get help with your housework or children.
3. Take one course in your local community college.
4. Make sure you dress up and apply your makeup like
you are going to work or school everday.
5. Teach your children a routine so you have balance in your life.
6. Find a support group of some kind.

Find yourself first and then give to your husband what you can give him.

You can do it. It took courage to ask for help.
All the Best.
D.

Donna S. has the best answer! Start loving you again. You are feeling down. He probably has night terrors, awful memories and is supposed to behave normal. My husband was a very young man who worked as a volunteer fireman. He told me stories that horrified me. He wakes up in the middle of the night when he hears sirens. Just sits bolt upright.
In the meantime, while he is wrestling with these demons, you ease your own life up. You are allowed to relax and enjoy it and you are still very young. So like Donna said, take a class, get a support group, find babysitters or moms to stand around and talk with while you do things with your kids. You are along too much with your own thoughts right now. Share them. Keep writing us. And let hubby know all the time how much he is loved and cared about and you are ready to be there when he needs you.
Good luck. Prayers a coming your way.

Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" By Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It is a really good book that gives a lot of information about men and how they tick. Marriage can be very hard. Stick it out! It will be worth it.

Please see a counselor before you would consider giving up. Do it for all of you. Go on your own if he won't go with you. It's possible your insurance will cover it. I know ours does.

I would suggest counseling too... and like Ina said, even if he won't go, try to go yourself. Antidepressants can cause those types of things but there's definitely more to it with him for it to go on this long.

You have some good answers here, some other resources to get help might be the VA center, a military wife group, or whoever prescribes his antidepressants. Since he is a veteran, there are ways for him to get help.

Ok, def don't agree with the poster that basically said you have to do everything while asking for nothing. What does doing your makeup and getting dressed have to do with anything? Yuck...

Anyhow, I am sorry but if your husband is completely unwilling to work on the marriage then you are in for a long hard road. At this point you have to decide what you can and can not live with. If you can live with very little affection to have your kids father around or if you make it on your own and possibly later down the line have a happier marriage.

My friend was at the same point in her marriage and she just point blank asked him if he even wanted to be married anymore. He was so shocked that she was even thinking that way, it opened his eyes. Maybe a similar tactic would work here. Best of luck to you.

Maybe he should try a different antidepressant?

You've gotten some good responses....

I will say, though, when I was taking antidepressants, it did mess with my libido.... I could just get so far, and then it shut it all off...

Very frustrating!

Before being on the meds, it was probably the PTSD and depression that was messing with his sex drive. Now he is getting help with that, but it still messes with it.

Even if he isn't willing to go to any counseling with you, you need to go... just for your own feelings with this all.

Is there a reason you are "forced" to stay at home and take care of the kids? There are a lot of things you can do to stay connected with adults, like play groups, or find part-time child-care and get a job to at least be around other people.

I have 4 kids, and was a SAHM with them, with part-time jobs. My first 3 are 4 years apart, so I do know the insanity of little kids at times.

Oh, honey. You are so young to be dealing with all of this, I wish I could give you a hug. I don't know if it helps, but what you guys are going through is so normal. Not to say that it is ok, but if it makes you feel any better, almost everyone with young kids feels like their marriages are not in great shape a lot of the time. There have been numerous studies showing that marriage satisfaction dips tremendously with the arrival of babies. That is not to say that it is going to be that way forever, but just that it is a totally normal place to be right now.

As someone who had PPD, I can sympathize with both of you. Antidepressants are a wonderful thing, but they have their side effects for sure. The only thing is, I can't believe that his doctors are giving them to him without insisting on some counseling too. He needs to have someone to talk to about the PTSD. To the best of your ability, encourage him to do that.

I agree with the other moms that you needs to get some counseling. You are in a very tough position, without a lot of life experience, and need some help dealing with it all. If the VA won't help you, find someone privately to do it. Be open about it with your husband, but not pushy. Just say you need some help dealing with all of this and you are going to get it. Maybe it will set a good example for him. Even if it doesn't it will be good for you. your therapist will help you figure out what you want to do next-- maybe you want to go back to school, get a job, start a business at home, whatever. While there is nothing wrong with wanting an affectionate, committed partner (of course), you can't expect a man (or anyone else) to make you happy. You're young and have lots of time to figure this out. But get yourself some help to deal with this challenging situation.

All the best to you and your family!

I also like Donna's answer but do not agree with her #1 of not asking him for anything. That's not good for him (he needs a purpose and to know that you need him & the kids need him if he is depressed), it's not good for you (you need to know that he is there in some capacity (even if it's just to change a diaper once in a while) and most importantly the kids need to know that he is a part of their lives.

I cannot, as most of us can't, imagin what goes through his head every night/ day. He needs help. You need help. I agree with the other ladies, go see someone by yourself if he won't go with you. Make sure you see someone that deals with families effected by the war. I would have to guess that they will have some good insight to help you cope and maybe help you, help your husband, get out of his own personal misery.

Make sure that you feel good about yourself. Yes, taking a shower, getting dressed (not wearing pajamma pants and oversized t-shirts all day), putting on makeup, looking your best every day is important. You need to feel good about yourself. This is important for everyone! Don't let yourself go, you too will fall in to depression if your not already there. It's very important to look good and feel good for yourself. It keeps you focused and if you look good and feel good it will show towards your kids. Your kids need you to be twice as strong and you can do that, for yourself and for them. Good luck. My prayers are with you and your family.

Sorry to hear about your situation. Counciling is a must, like others have said. You need someone to talk to, you will be amazed how just talking your problems out with some one will help. I know an excellent councilor...message me, if you are interested. I do not have any good things to say about antidepressants...they have many, many, side effects, and low sex drive, is just one of them. In my research, they only seem to make the person more depressed, and are very dangerous. I understand why he is on them, but there may me a better way to deal with it. It will take real hard work, to put your marriage back together,, but it can be done, and you may have an even closer relationship in the end! And, it is worth it to "stick it out", even if it is, just for the kids! I could say more about that...but I won't do it here. If you want to hear my story, just message me.
I wish you the best, and realize how hard this is for you, and the feelings, of feeling all alone.

I really agree that depression and then antidepressants can take such a toll. I have a friend who takes them bc she truly needed them for a bit but now she is not quite the same. Sometimes she says she feels dulled out to life completely. So take heart there that it is probably something he is not 'meaning' to do. Are there any other military wives you could talk to about this? I know you said you don't know where to turn, but maybe even online, like a board for soldiers wives or something as I think your situation is truly unique in the aspect that he was in service of our country. That being said, you do have needs too of course. I think if it were me I might start trying to read stories from other wives who have had husband's with PTSD and how they got through and how they were able to love their husbands and be there for them and not go insane themselves. I wish you the best and wish I had more to offer you, the main thing I can say is remember this is chemical stuff happening in his brain, and not about you. Hang in there!!

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this, especially since it is a sacrifice your family has made on behalf of our country. From reading your post, I think you would benefit from researching PTSD and finding a support group or counselor focused on that condition. Traumatic experiences can leave lifelong scars on the mind and emotions of the person affected, especially if they don't get appropriate help. I think it's at the root of what you're experiencing. I just did a search for "PTSD support groups for spouses" and got a lot of options. There were some on meetup.com, which could help you find an actual group in your area to meet with, but there were also several online communities. Don't delay getting help. Even if your husband isn't wanting to deal with his emotions now, you sound like you need all you can get as soon as possible.