Need Help with Infertility Depression

I have extensive experience with this subject as I, and everyone in my family, has depression. Your situation is really situational depression, and not at all appropriate for anti-depressants (although any doctor would be more than happy to prescribe them for you) what you really need is someone to talk to, who is a good listener, not someone to give you advice. I suggest you contact a counselor, or a very good friend or family member, or even prayer if you are a religious person. As far as the depression goes, you should also be taking a vitamin supplement with DHA and I strongly suggest you get out of the house and exercise everyday. Again, if you are religious, reading scriptures daily will help. I treat my depression solely with exercise, spirituality and diet, and have been successful. You need to be taking care of your body in preparation for a pregnancy, not putting major drugs into it. Hang in there! Maybe there's a support group somewhere, or even just posting this you'll find someone who's been through the same who can be there for you.

Oh E.... Just stay positive my dear! That kind of thing matters when trying to conceive. When I got pregnant with my 1st, it happened the 1st month I had given up! Every month before that I was wondering if would get a period or not... and like I said it happened the 1st month I had given up. And remember there is nothing wrong with onlies! I am an only child myself and as much as I would like to have a second baby I dont think I would be compeletely dissapointed with just 1. Sometimes we just have to count our blessings ya' know!
As for the medication, I have taken some antidepressents in the past and honestly it was the worst time of my life! I hated being on them. I just didnt feel like myself and my energy levels were uncontrolable not to mention I was groggy and had terrible sleep patterns. And to think I was on a very low dosage. Once I weaned myself off of them I started feeling back to my normal self so I guess that means that they did work but the way I felt was terrible...NO DOUBT!

I would suggest seeing a therapist. We also went thru fertility and it was part of our protocol. Our dr. recommended a book by alice domar called the mind body connection conquering infertility- you can get it at amazon.com. We also did acupuncture in conjunction with our treatments and the first one we did (after numerous tries) with acupuncture worked. There are some relaxation cds from music is medicine that also helped. You could join a local resolve group. Good luck.

Been there...my heart is breaking for you--reading your message, I can feel it all myself again. My husband went through a couple years of infertility. It was such a roller coaster ride--the hope of drugs, procedures..and the letdown when that time of the month came around again. I actually never had a first, but I don;t believe that makes a difference when you want it so bad--first, or second time around. The question I finally posed to myself was this (and remember I have nothing to compare to since I never was pregnant): Do I want to be pregnant, or do I want to be a mom? I came to a very quick conclusion that I really had an overwhelming desire to be a mom. We signed up within a month to adopt, and we have a beautiful three year old daughter, and are getting ready to go into the matchbook for our 2nd adoption in two weeks. It is such a joy, and such a blessing. I cannot imagine a better fit for our family than our daughter. God has such amazing plans for our life, better than anything we can ever imagine. You CAN have a large family--there are many ways. Write back if you'd like to talk more or have any questions! I will say prayers for you---I needed all the prayer and support I could get when I was struggling.
And by the way, it may be some of my own issues coming out, and I know people mean well, but saying just relax makes me want to punch something! It is very difficult to just relax when you never wanted something more in your life...and let me tell you, I have been more than relaxed over the past three years about wanting to conceive, since I have been busy with my daughter, and it has not happened. It may or may not happen if you just relax. I do hope it happens for you, but let me tell you--if my friend's sister is any example, the just relax theory is out the window. She lost her 3 year old in a drowning, and was pregnant within a month after that...relaxing is not always the issue.

B.

i used a great cd from bellaruth about infertility. you can look it up on google.

Hi E.,

As far as anti-depresants, it sounds like you are seeing an ob/gyn, I would ask them rather than a gp. They will know what can safely be taken if you were to turn up pregnant so you don't have an extra worry on your mind.

I also had fertility issues, out of 11 pregnancies, I managed to give birth to 3 beautiful boys, but there were multiple miscarriages and finally a hysterectomy. It is a truly heartbreaking experience. I had always wanted a daughter, and obviously wasn't able to get pregnant again. I decided to adopt my daughter, and she has filled the void that was in my heart.

I brought home my beautiful little 2yr old daughter and my world is exactly what I had dreamed of. I am happy and content and my family is finally complete. She is an absolute joy and I would gladly do it again if I were wanting another child.

There are a lot of ways to complete your family, and if you find that things aren't happening the old fashioned way, you have options, for me adoption was the most logical choice. That being said, it's not for everyone. Do some research and find out what options are available, and what does and doesn't work for you and your family.

Take a little time for yourself, sounds like you could use a little down time. And for now, enjoy having just one, because when you start adding to your family, things get outrageously busy.

Good luck!

A.

It is so hard to read what you're going through because I was there myself... it is a real painful experience! I have only one child, and she is the love of my life... but I did want another when she was 2, and we tried for YEARS everything under the sun - it made me feel so crazy and depressed whenever I'd get my period. Finally, when my daughter turned 7, I realized that it was "ok" with just having one child, even though I came from being the eldest of 5 others, and I was sure I'd have at least 2.

I decided to point out all th fantastic things we had with only having one child, and soon, it grew on me this kind of "reverse psychology" that I didn't want anymore kids. And - 2 months later I became pregnant! (Now granted - my story is not so much one with a happy ending, due to having a miscarriage, but it just goes to show that once you stop trying, it will happen) Or please, consider adoption... there are so many beautiful little souls that need loving people like yourself to give them a family.

I'm so sorry for you and your family. I'm sure you have had all your blood work, but I felt compelled to ask you about your thyroid? There are very specific ranges that the TSH needs to be in inorder to conceive and hold a pregnancy.
There is a ton of info at thryoid.about.com if for some reason this is news to you.
Be well, hang in there and snuggle your 1st born.
S.

I'm sorry for you, and have been depressed over similar circumstances. I tied my tubes after my fourth child and wish I hadn't. The fact that there is no hope for me to have another child again tears me up sometimes. I just remember how blessed I have been and focus on the children I do have (including 2 step children). I did do the anti-depressant thing for a couple of months to pull from a slump and it helped. I would suggest talking to your doctor and seeing what will work for you especially since you are trying to get pregnant. I wish there was more I could offer you but please know that you are not alone and hold onto your hope of having another beautiful child and the comfort and love you already get from your first.

E., I am sorry!
I know exactly how you feel. I went through this myself 4 yrs. ago. The only difference was that I was older, 38 yrs of age, and had very little time to conceive so to me it was a race against time. When the in vitro did not prove positive, I went through depression. I have never been one to ask for medicine to cope with my personal issues, but I did get on Celexa for 6 mos. It was the only thing that helped with the emptiness and pain in my heart. The only advice I can give you is to take this medication and talk to those that are close to you. Sometimes the very people that surround you, are the ones that can say just the right thing to help you snap out of that depressive mood. You'll find that not eveyone will understand, but what will help is getting it off your chest. It took a couple of years for me to let go but I chose to adopt two wonderful children, and soon after had a hysterctomy (all within a 4 year span). I had a friend who wasn't afraid to tell me exactly what I needed to hear straight up and she was the only one that could make me think clearly, so if you have a friend that will do that for you- go see her/him!! You need to hear that it's ok to feel this way; that you need to seek help professionally; and that yes, things will get better!
Take care and don't dwell on the negative-move forward. For some reason, it is not the time! (I know it is easier said than done, but I have been there and this too, shall pass).

Hi E.,
I took antidepressants for a while, I was very against it so I waited a couple of years before seeking help, and in the end wish I would have sought help sooner.

Depression is the noticable symptom of an imbalance of serotonin in the brain. SSRI's are used to increase the serotonin in the brain, as well as block the reabsorbtion, which causes an increased amount of serotonin to be available....blah, blah, blah....so in essence it's a chemical imbalance in your body.

There are 2 types of SSRI's. My doc started me on Effexor, then to Zoloft. No response, everything stayed the same for me, but I had no side effects either. Then she switched me to Lexapro - and it was like a switch finally turned back on in my head! It made a huge difference after a couple of weeks, and everyone noticed the change. After a few months I had to stop taking it due to a side effect I was having with the pain meds I was on (had 3 blackouts, similar to what would happen if you drank alcohol with an antidepressant). Now I take a small dose of 5-htp. It is not as effective as the Lexapro was for me, but the only side effect I've noticed is decreased appetite (which is a good thing for me!)

Good luck to you,
D.

Hi E.,

I know exactly how you feel. It took me ten years to finally have my first child. The first five I was not really concerned because I worked full time and because of my husbands work schedule we did not see each other much. I finally went to a doctor and found out that I had fertility issues and tried another five years before I finally go pregnant. Now I have a precious two year old little girl who is my angel.

We are now trying for #2 as well and it has been over a year using fertility pills and hormone treatments. The treatments are really h*** o* me and I have had a hard time myself with depression issues when you see everyone around you with new little ones and only tried a couple of months to get pregnant. I have been on anti depressants before when I was really bad, but I got off of them as soon as I was better because I did not like taking them.

The things that keep me getting through is trying to stay busy so my mind is on other things and my faith. I do not know if you are religous, but I have found that everything happens for a reason and God's timing is the best.

We are also about to get a puppy that I have been wanting to get but never seemed like a good time. It will not replace a child, but it will keep my mind off things. I am getting close to 40 in age and that is really wearing on me as well.

Well, just know that you are not the only one out there. I hope things happen for you soon. Just try to find something to get involved with that you have been wanting to do. When I finally got pregnant, I was working full time and going to school full time and was not really thinking about it and it finally happend. Good luck to you. Hope this helps a little.

A friend of ours quit eating wheat and she got pregnant pretty much right away. They say an allergy like that can happen before the first pregnancy or even after the first one.

Also I took Zoloft and it sucked I love having sex with my husband and while I was on it I couldnt even stand to think about it. Let alone have him touch me or have sex.

One doctor told me to take B6, 5HTP, and OMG3 that has really helped.

Hi, E. -
I'm sorry that you're in so much pain about your situation. I don't have any experience with anti-depressants, but before you go that route, my advice would be that you please try and talk to someone about how you feel. Don't minimize or apologize for your pain. You're right that no one can know exactly how much it hurts you, but they can listen, and any of your friends or family would certainly want to know that you're struggling and need help. Perhaps there are support groups that could be of assistance, and it seems like your infertility specialist might be a source of that type of information. Have you considered getting a second opinion on your fertility situation? Perhaps there is a small chance that something is being missed. I have a reproductive endocrinologist that I would recommend highly - his name is Dr. Randall Craig. Would you consider looking into adoption or being a foster mother? Maybe pursuing those avenues would help shake your depression. In the meantime, love your son to bits, and I will pray that things turn out the way you want them to. Take care.

get in touch with RESOLVE it is a infertility support group- there is some memmbers with secondary infertitily- so they would be someone to talk to. I think the web site is RESOLVE.org- you can put in your zip code and find gatherings in your area.

E.,
I have never taken antidepressants. However, I used to take a vitamin called NurtiCalm. It was basically a b-vitamin complex that really helped with mood and feelings of sadness. It might be worth a try. Also, my daughter turned 4 in September and I just had my second child. The age difference has actually been wonderful. My friends who have kids closer together in age are jealous about how well my daughter is handling it and how much easier it has been on me than their experiences with kids closer together :)

I just want to say that I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. My husband and I struggled with this and did lots of testing for a couple years we did in vitro and were able to conceive our twins :) We know even though we have our twins the struggle isn't over (we both come from big families so we'd love to have more)... I guess we'll see how that goes. I didn't take anti depressants, but I did have a really hard time. A relative of mine went through her own struggle with infertility years ago, and I found her most helpful to talk to. She called herself my cheerleader. She listened to me, she called when she knew I had some tests going on. Even if I didn't want to talk to any body it did help to talk to her. There were certain people that it was easier to talk to than others. I had to figure out my limits (ie. baby showers, family reunions) that I just couldn't go to, or stay for to long. I started to keep a journal, about how I felt, and the tests that I did. I wasn't a member of I think it's resolve.org, but I did check it out some, and found it helpful to me (I wish I had the link for you, but I found an article that gave tips for family and friends to support those going through infertility). We also found a couple from our church that was sort of in the same situation we were, we became and still are very good friends. Try to surround yourself with a support system, find your own cheerleaders! Some people will tell you to try not to think about it to much, and then you'll get pregnant. I say it's easier said than done, it can totally consume you. Try not to let it as best you can, and enjoy your son's childhood.
This is such a heart wrenching thing to go through. I am so sorry you have to deal with it. Send me a message if you need anyone to talk to. Good luck!!

The women I have known that have been though that, finally gave up and then they got pregnant. there are studies that show and life experiences that I have heard over and over again, that the stress/depression you create can affect your ability to get pregnant. This is easier for me to say since I have not been through this, but it sounds like you have some wonderful things in your life and if you concentrate on those and occupy your mind with positive thoughs maybe it will happen. Some people cannot have any children so you are fortunate in that way. Try a short meditation when you wake up and think about all of the things you have in your life that are positive and each time you resort to the other thoughts, do the same thing. Big families are not easy - all of the moms that I encounter in my life that have large families, forget committments a lot, parties at their kids schools, they can't have activities after school going on for all of them because it isn't possible to be at all of them. They are tired all of the time and you can't possibly give the attention that kids need if you have more than one or two. You may have a small family, but your child/children will grow up more self confident and stable because of the love attention and experiences that you can give them. Life is so wonderful and hope you can focus on that and live it while you are here on this earth.

Dear E.,

I come from a large family and we are blessed with 4 children so I can understand where you are (in a sense).

Many people feelthey have gotten information from their doctor about taking temperatures etc.. So I want to suggest you contact a Catholic church and inquire about Natural Family Planning Classes. These classes teach on a more complete basis about the usefullness of a woman's natural cycle to acheive or avoid pregnancy.

I would also like you to know that many friends of mine have had several years of infertility then acheived pregnancy several times over.

Good luck,
C.

E.,
I know just how you feel. Your story reads like my life a few years ago.
It IS terribly difficult to bear this burden, especially because talking to people about it rarely helps and can make others feel sorry for you (which nobody wants, right?).
LONG story short, after 2 years of the same struggle you're experiencing, my husband and I decided to simply give ourselves a break. Trying so hard for so long with no success had just worn us down -- it was negatively impacting every aspect of our lives, ESPECIALLY our relationship, because even though we knew this wasn't our "fault", we still felt like failures. Not to mention how clinical and prescribed our sex life had become...
So we decided to take a 6-month vacation from trying to conceive. Nobody was calling it quits, we just wanted to make love for the sake of closeness and pleasure rather than because it was "good timing"; we needed to have conversations that didn't revolve around basal body temperatures; I longed for a month when I didn't cry when my period arrived. Basically, we were at our breaking point, so we decided to focus on ourselves and our love again for the first time in a LONG time.
We decided we'd revisit our options (in-vitro, stronger fertility meds, adoption) in six months and PROMISED each other that we'd both do our very best not to think about it in the meantime. (It was hard at first, but a relief after a couple of weeks.)
We focused on spending quality time together, and APPRECIATING it. We went to movies, out to dinner, to the street fair... it was like we were dating again. We rediscovered WHY we wanted to be a family in the first place. It was a magical time, and I'm so grateful for it.
And, wouldn't you know it -- six weeks later we were pregnant!
We now have a beautiful daughter, and if that's all we ever get, we'll still count ourselves among the luckiest people on Earth.
Nobody knows what the future holds. Our best-laid plans OFTEN go awry. What is important is to honor and truly value what life has already given us.
I can't promise that if your story would end like mine, but the ending really isn't the only beautiful part, because along the way I reconnected with something I hadn't even realized I'd lost... my faith in the power of love.
I truly hope you can be happy, new baby or not.
I'm actually supportive of the idea of using antidepressants if your doctor thinks it's the right course of action. I've been on a low dose of generic Prozac for years and did EXTENSIVE research on the topic of continuing them while pregnant. According to several major studies by very reputable universities, they are quite safe during gestation/breastfeeding. (There are SOME risks, but that's true with any prescription drug, and in most cases, the benefits far outweigh the risks.)
Just talk to your OB/GYN... there's really no shame or stigma in it anymore and he/she can certainly give you all the info you need.
In the meantime, please try to relax (I know how hard that is, I really do). Try to think of it this way... a HAPPY family is an inviting family.
Good luck!
-- A.

I experienced something similar. My first pregnancy was a bit of a surprise. Then when I wanted to have a second child, I couldn't get pregnant to save my life. Just as a word of encouragement, I've now had 5 more children. It was very depressing to not be able to have a baby when I felt so ready.

I've used natural anti-depressants and had good results. I used 5-HTP primarily with a good omega-3 supplement, since being deficient in omega-3 can cause depression. I had my obgyn put me on a natural progesetrone cream supplement, too, and that helps not only depression but fertility, as well.

Also, if you want to talk off-list about how I got past secondary infertility, I'd be more than happy to talk about it.

Fertility is linked to your body's health in many ways. In order to be at the optimum point where your body is capable of reproducing viable offspring you need to have balanced systems - endocrine, digestive, nervous, hormonal - and there are ways to feed your body the appropriate nutrients to ensure this happens. I know of some herbal formulas that support these systems. They are all rainforest plants and the fertility factor has been observed for centuries by the indigenous people. Depression can also be directly linked to imbalances in these same systems. If you are interested in more information you can contact me.

I'm sure you are going to get lots of tips for fertility here, and I'm sorry if I'm adding too much to that, but have you tried acupuncture or a naturopath? I know of one in Mesa who has helped lots of people with fertility issues, if you are interested. But I do know what you are going through is painful. I am sorry. I don't know anything about anti depressants, but if you need them to be able to enjoy the family you do have, go for it.

Hi E.,
Depression can come from numerous sources, and can be greatly exacerbated by the choices we make everyday such as eating habits, exercise, sleep etc. I understand that you have a very specific reason for feeling depressed and frustrated, but I just wanted to throw out a different angle to you. I've heard so many scary things about antidepressants, and there are so many cases where they just don't work, and can actually make things worse. You may already be making all the right decisions with respect to your health, but if you can't honestly say that you are, it would be SO worthwhile to make some changes to ensure you're eating very healthy, getting a good amount of exercise and sleep and trying some other methods for helping you to feel positive (such as meditation, yoga, or something like that -- I've never really been one for those methods, but whatever works for you to be relaxed and create a positive frame of mind). If you're doing all of these things and you're still truly feeling depressed, then it's certainly time to talk to your doctor about it. But I can tell you from first-hand experience what a HUGE different diet and lifestyle can make in the way we perceive things and the way we feel (physically, mentally and emotionally). Too often people don't make that connection -- Our bodies and minds are connected, and our physical and mental health depend greatly on what we eat and the lifestyle we lead. Who knows, maybe you could wipe out your depression and eliminate your fertility issues as well just by addressing diet/lifestyle!

I don't know if that helps at all. I think this is probably a different perspective from most of the responses you will get. If you have any interest in discussing this angle further please let me know. I'd be happy to share some of my personal experiences with you. I have not experienced infertility problems but I've faced a whole host of other issues and health concerns (and depression was a big one for me in the past) and have seen how various symptoms come and go based on how I eat. Best of luck!