Need Help with Aspergers child-I'm About to Lose My Job.

Look into respite care, so you can have some help with your son, especially now when you're expecting another little one. I do not know if they come to the house, but I do know (at least in Madison, WI) that you can take a child there when you need a little breathing space. You might have something in town you can tap into, since your child has special needs. I didn't find many resources where I live for my child, though, and I live in a university town (where you'd think there would be a lot of resources. But only for those kids who are "diagnosed." My daughter doesn't have a "diagnosis" or a code; her Childhood Specialist only confirmed she has SPD, but she doesn't have an official status in her file).

Does your healthcare pay for a Childhood Specialist you could take your son to, someone he can talk to who can "work out" with him how to handle changes and get him "on track," so he's not continuously fighting you?

My daughter has Sensory Processing Disorder, so I feel your pain. She went and saw a Childhood Specialist from age 5 to 11; right now, we've switched healthcare insurers, and I haven't bothered getting anyone new in our new provider. However, she has learned to handle herself and situations so well that I'm not sure I will. But we have a referral option open in case it's needed (the teenage years are coming, after all). My daughter also has anxiety and OCD along with her SPD.

Basically, it comes down to "retraining" children in how to handle situations, since they lack the knowledge. Your son also could have some sensory issues when it comes to showers/water/etc. My daughter had issues with taking baths starting at age 2 that lasted until she was 4 or 5. I had to take baths with her and "play" for awhile in the tub. She eventually grew out of that and now takes showers. We never did figure out what part of taking a bath she didn't like, but apparently, it's a very common problem among kids with sensory issues.

You state your son has issues with bed wetting; does he also have problems with constipation or streaking in his underwear? If he's constipated and not eliminating as needed, the feces will push on the bladder and cause him to have an overactive bladder/accidents. That would be something I would think about and look into. If he is constipated and you take care of that issue, you might also be able to get rid of (some) of the bed wetting. Someone stated there is also a device that can be put inside of the underwear for boys that, at the slightest drop of moisture, will "alert" the boy that he needs to go. If your son is a deep sleeper, though, that might not work.

I understand about the 5:30 am wake up. My daughter also gets up that early. She doesn't need/doesn't take a shower in the mornings, but needs time to get ready. She gets on the bus at 6:45 am.

You're going to need to enlist your husband/significant other to help you a lot more than what you're currently getting. What are you going to do once another baby is in the house? Is your son acting up more lately, knowing that there will be another person to whom you'll need to dedicate your time? Has your son acted up worse since the 2 year old came on the scene? Kids with SPD and Aspenberger's, Autism, etc., have a hard time with change and/or sharing mom, dad, other trusted adults with other children. If he's acting up this much with the new baby coming--who isn't even here yet--I can only forsee him becoming even worse after the baby's here and your attention is devoted to him/her.

I would definitely advocate that your son start seeing a Childhood Specialist. It will greatly help him with learning coping mechanisms, and it will help you, having someone to talk to and get some ideas on how to help your son.

It's a long, tough road. But it can be transversed. My hat is always off to those who have more children than just the one with special needs. My husband and I knew our daughter was special when she was two years old. We made the conscious decision that we weren't able to deal with her and any other children at the same time, so we decided she would be an only child. That has worked for us. It's saved us stress, and it's allowed us to take the time our daughter needs to work through her issues and give her/teach her coping mechanisms.

If you have more questions, please don't hesitate to contact me.

In regards to the mornings. Decide on a time when you're leaving the house and leave. If he's still in his pjs bring his clothes along so he can change in the car. I suggest that one time arriving at school in his pjs will be incentive enough for him to get dressed, even if it's just in the car.

Yes, he has Aspergers. But he still has consequences for his behavior. Yes, it's very difficult to follow thru on consequences but it's necessary. Find a way to deal with his behavior before he gets out of control. HIs apology at the end suggests to me that he wants more control.

He needs a schedule. I suggest that you need to arrange your morning so that you're "on top" of managing him from the time he gets up. It will take time to get a routine going but once you do life will be easier.

Talk with him every step of the way. Write down the schedule on a chart so that he can see what's next. Physically guide him into the bathroom, hand him his tooth brush, etc. Do this with a pleasant upbeat tone of voice. One reason he acts out is he needs more attention and negative attention is as good as positive attention. Start giving him the positive attention.

He also has difficulty planning ahead and has very little impulse control. So you provide this for him. It will be hard and it will take time. But, as you said, it's important that you get to work on time.

My grandson is on the spectrum disorder and was an extremely difficult boy to manage. He has apraxia of speech and sensory processing disorder. We received help learning ways to deal with him that were more effective once he was involved in the school district's special ed program. Hopefully you are getting started on getting professional help.

One thing we learned is that he needs firm touch. When he is starting to act out it sometimes helps to stop him physically with a firm hold. This is a technique you'll need to be taught. Yes, he screams and wants you to let go but he will calm down when he realizes you're not going to let go.

My grandson is in a special school as a special ed student and they focus on behavior. This is his second year in this school and they are just now able to focus more on academics than on behavior. Once your son gets into special ed program you will have help learning ways to deal with him as well as professional help dealing with your son's behavior.

My grandson was eventually diagnosed with ADHD and is now on meds. They've helped a lot. There is medication that deals with both ADHD and anxiety in one pill. I urge you to try the meds right away. There is controversy about their use but nothing else helped my grandson as much as he needed help.

An example of how we handled my grandson when he would run around the house, throwing things, etc. was to grab him and hold him firmly so that he could not squirm free. You'll need to learn how to do this. When you first start doing this it may take an hour for him to get himself back in control but gradually you'll reach a time when you won't need this skill.

How do you deal one on one with one child when you have another one to get ready too? Perhaps you get the 8 yo ready and sit him down in front of the TV while you finish your morning routine. Yes, many say it's not good to use TV in this way but I suggest it's the least of the two choices. Having him out of control or ready to go when you need to leave.

Or get the younger one ready and then focus on the 8 yo. With an out of control child one needs to give him one on one attention to keep him on track.

I am so, so sorry that you are dealing with this. Has your son exhibited these types of behaviors (yelling, running around, etc.) for awhile or is this recent? Do you have a husband, partner, or any help available to you?

You are facing some serious stressful times ahead, you may want to check into respite care through your county. When I was in college completing my special ed degree, I work for a company that provided respite care for children with special needs. I helped out a family in the mornings before school. Their son had behavioral issues (now I believe it was undiagnosed Aspergers) and I would arrive at 6am and help out wherever the parents asked me too, sometimes with their child with special needs and sometimes with thier other children. It was paid for by the county, totally free to them.

Another thing you could try that worked well with my Aspergers and Autistic students was a picture schedule. Does your son have a special ed teacher at school? If so, they should be able to help you develop a picture schedule. If not, you can make it yourself. Pictures of your shower, his toothbrush, clothes, breakfast food, backpack, coat, etc. that you can laminate and then put either magnets or velcro on the back of are all you need.

When you wake him in the morning, say " Shower time" and show him the picture, put the picture on the fridge or wherever you are putting the schedule. Then if he is off track, ask "Where should you be?" Refer him to the picture and the schedule. It takes some practice, but within a week most kids get it and love their schedule. It helps them feel more in control and it is visual, which is a strength for most kids with Aspergers, and it limits the amount of language that they need to try to process and understand, which is an area where they tend to struggle.

When he completes the morning routine and all pics are on the schedule, the last one being coat and backpack, give him a high five, a hug, any positive encouragement. If he gets on a schedule and is more cooperative, it will hopefully allow you to get to work on time :)

Good luck & sorry this was so long, I just wanted to give you the picture schedule idea because it can really work.

First, I would request a meeting with your boss. Explain the diagnosis, and how it's affecting your life at the moment. Make it clear that the diagnosis has just been made, and that you are implementing strategies to deal with it. I would ask for their understanding and patience, and explain that you are committed to your job, and will be doing your utmost to be a great employee. Communication can often help.

I would then go back to your doctor and ask what is available for coping with and treating this condition. It may be that there is a drug available that would be perfect to help settle and focus your son. Good luck!

I don't have any advice for helping you with your son. However, I would strongly second all the suggestions regarding going directly to your employer to discuss your situation. It can be one of the real beauties of working for a small company - the accessibility you have to those in power/decision making positions. I for one have found my small employer to be very considerate so long as I am totally honest. It is a large part of the reason I left corporate America. My employer doesn’t just pay lip service to being family friendly. They are family friendly which is such a blessing. Good luck.

Hey Kaite - I want you to know I feel your pain!! I've been late for work because we couldn't get the socks on "right". My daughter was diagnosed at 10 - those first ten years were horrible!! While girls are completely different than boys as far as outbursts - she would only shower on Wednesdays - weird, I know! I made sure she knew the routine for the next day, every night we'd go through it and she started showering more as it became part of the routine.

Also, I did not medicate - we chose to follow a gluten free/casen free diet and it has done wonders - she's completely different and virtually sympton free. It's not easy, but I felt so much better about a diet change vs medication. If you are interested, PM me and I can help.

I'm wondering if there are some things you can do to simplify the morning routines. Sometimes with our kids with different needs, we need to eliminate what can be eliminated.

Does he need a full shower every morning? Maybe the feeling of the water or the getting-out part after the shower upsets him. At pharmacies, they sell what looks like baby wipes, but they are not geared toward babies, and they are much larger. They're for like giving a sponge bath or for cleaning a person who has a leg in a cast and can't get in the shower. You could even gently microwave it for a few seconds until it's warm and just have your son clean his whole body with that. I am just thinking that when you say "surrenders to the shower" maybe it is bothering his senses and upsetting him.

Also, can you give him a Pediasure or Ensure to drink on the way to school? That would give him protein, calories, fiber and nutrients but is portable and quick.

M.E.D.I.C.A.T.I.O.N. I have 3 kids, all spec needs, my step dtr is retarded, my dtr ADD and son is ADHD. Meds have helped my son so much so don't be afraid to check into it. Also, see if he qualifies for a care provider thru the state. My step dtr is considered permanently disabled so she gets services. You could have a care provider come every morning to get him ready and even take him to school and if you qualify for enough hours, the same thing for after school or evenings if needed. I know how hard it is. Also check on meetup.com...its free...in our zip code there is a group called "parents of special needs kids" and they have meetings get togethers and there is no charge. Good luck!!!

I don't really have any suggestions for your son and routine, but I would strongly suggest you sit down with your boss/employer and explain your situation. They may offer you support and understanding right now, which is what you need. Demonstrating that you have acknowledged the fact you have been late, will earn you brownie points if you have a great boss. Come up with a way to make up your missed time and that would be even better. Be proactive. An employer would appreciate that I think.

The only other suggestion for your missed time is that you should definitely start eating lunch at your desk if you don't do so already. Also on the days you can stay a bit later to make up for your tardiness, do so.

Good luck and hope you can get your son to cooperate more willingly in the mornings.

hang in there! we started using a picture schedule of what has to happen in the morning and in what order - complete with check mark boxes - or boxes for stickers once the task was complete. the routine was very calming - and the structure very appealing to the aspergers traits.

please ignore all the advice here to be more strict or reign in your child. they just don't get it.....

.

I don't have a child with Aspergers but do have 2 daughters with Down syndrome and in many ways a lot of the behaviors are similar. We struggle every morning with getting ready, having many meltdowns and have started a help schedule. We also talk the night before about what the morning is going to look like, ex. wake up, use bathroom, take shower, brush hair, dress(have clothing ready), eat breakfast....ect. This has helped a lot. They also have more trouble with lack of sleep and you mentioned that he wakes up at 5:30, girls used to wake up at 6:30 and we pushed it up so now it is 7:00 and that half hour has made a huge difference. I eventually lost my job because of all the extra things involved with my kids therapies, doctor appointments, ect. and it was hard at first but now it has been such a blessing for us in the long run. As for support groups I went online and searched under Asperger support groups in Michigan and found a list of several under www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/public/502.cmf I don't know where you are located but hopefully you can find someone. We have the DSAWM and i have found them to be such a lifesaver(sanitysaver) many times. God Bless and hope everything works out.

Yeah that sounds about right. :)

I have accepted that Andys are a little smelly. I only make him shower every other day on weekdays. Just not worth the fight. Since you have bed wetting maybe no showers on the dry days?

I often think it is funny that a shower is considered a fate worse than death yet once he is in there he never comes out. I asked him once, he said well there is stuff I need to do before cleaning. I kind of dropped it because I am not sure I could hear the stuff keeping a straight face.

I didn't think it was possible but an alarm clock is amazing for waking him up. Then for some reason because he got up on his own he feels everything should be done on his own. He doesn't always set it, which for some strange reason is key to success, but on the mornings he does he is up, dressed, eating breakfast and watching TV when I get up. Strange I know.... I learned a while ago never to question success so I have no idea why that works.

You may want to sit down with the powers that be and explain what is going on. I have found that they judge a lot harder when they don't know what is going on than when they do. That and both you and your son are protected groups so by telling them why they may be less likely to fire you and risk a suit.

I hate to admit it but I laughed reading he peed on his brother. Andy never did that but there was a summer where bushes were his toilet of choice. :) I swear you will at some point look back on it and laugh.

drugs are a last resort, but it's something that you may want to look into if you havent already, risperdal does wonders for significantly reducing the irritability of aspie kids. as far as the morning showers, could you try having him wear goodnites and then just having him use a wash cloth to wipe himself off in the morning? is there a male in your home? if you're 7 or 8 months pregnant, i'm concerned for your safety... is he under the care of a psychiatrist?

additionally, from a sensory persepctive, would your son be more receptive to a soothing bath as opposed to a shower?

Wow. This must be really tough.
Have you thought about giving him a shower/bath the night before & dressing him in sweatpants & a sweatshirt so he's all ready the next day? I had a friend who used to pre-dress her little ones like that and always thought it was a stroke of genius.

My friend has an Aspie, and a picture schedule worked well for him for morning tasks.

Good luck!

If he wets the bed, what about good nites or similar at night so he's at least showered?

You might want to clue your boss in. Don't make excuses, but say, "I am working on resolving this. My son is newly diagnosed. We are trying a new treatment plan." And then do what you can to make up for any lost time, like taking lunch at your desk or working later or whatever.

While it is really h*** o* you, what about waking him up earlier if he doesn't get into the shower on time? Where is your DH in all this? Is he able to focus on a child while you get yourself and the other child ready?

You are understandably overwhelmed but keep working your resources. Friend's son is doing so much better now that he has his diagnosis, his IEP, etc. She's a single mom and thought she would lose her job, too, and she went to HR and her boss and they worked out a plan.

Hmm.

1. Maybe have him join you in your routine.
Ex. While he takes a shower, you are in the bathroom too fixing your hair, brushing your teeth. That way you can keep track and keep him focused.

2. Use a timer. Our son isn't an Aspie but is infamous for just sitting in the shower and letting the water run. We set a timer for 10 mins. When the timer goes off his shower is done!

3. If he has a clock in his room, set it for 10 min ahead

4. Have him eat breakfast, drink something to wake up and THEN take a shower. Some people, like my hubby can't just wake up and get going. He has a whole 20min routine before he even walks into the bathroom. Me, I'm up, in the bathroom and in the shower.

5. Adjust your 'go' time to 6:40. If he knows that your 'must be gone' time is 7a, change it to 6:30a or 6:40a.

As far as your job, I would sit down with my employer and just be honest. Tell him/her what you're dealing with and that this is new but you are working on getting it under control. Hopefully he/she will be understanding and you can work something out. If not, you're not any worse off than you were before.

For your son, can you hire someone to come in in the mornings to help him get ready and drive him to school? That way he won't have to get up so early and he can have a longer time in the morning to get ready.

I am so very sorry that you are going through this and wish you and your son the best of luck!

One thought would be could you adjust your work day...come in late, work late but keep your same schedule at home in the morning. While you are on maternity leave, you should take the opportunity to keep him on a routine and work w/ his doctors to work this the best you can.

I have no experience with his condition but I can definately sympathize with your stressful morning and late rising child!

I am so sorry you are going through this. I realize how tough it must be.
Thinking of some possible solutions.
-Since getting up @ 5:30 is early for anyone. Is there anyway he could take a bath at night then you sponge him off in the moring after he wakes up if he wets the bed?
There are a couple of reason for this: some kids/people aren't good showering in the morning AND because 530 is so early.
So if you could do the main cleaining/showering at night that results in more sleep for him in the morning & less to do in the a.m.
-Have as much ready the night before: his clothes, your clothes, lunch etc
-Try to do as much the night before hopefully resulting in him being able to sleep in later. I know you have to get to work bt it seems awfully early FOR HIM. That might help. Anything you can shave off in the morn...do it
-Is there any family member that could possibly help you a little each day when the baby comes?
-If I can thk of anything else, I will be sure to add.
-Wishing you the best. Sorry for your difficult times.
Oh & God forbid but if you were to lose your job, look into corporate jobs w/huge companies. sometimes better than little businesses. Hope it does not come to that but thought I'd offer it! Hang in there!

I really feel for you! I really do!

It helps to know he can't help some of it. You know when a woman gets all PMS-ing and sensitive? Well, we can't help it and neither can your son.

I would seriously look into holistic and detox. I know of a mom who had a similar situation. She felt relieved that her son was diagnosed with Aspergers but that didn't solve any problems, it just gave it a name. She went to a DAN doctor. Her son was detoxed of heavy metals (chelation) and he was treated for candida (fungus overgrowth). She had to implement many different things, he liked calendars and pictures. He had a specific routine he liked.

With all of those things implemented, her son doesn't have very many symptoms anymore. An occasional outburst if he gets overstimulated (like they avoid places like amusement parks) but other than that he's "normal!" They keep up with the diet and they have removed harsh chemicals from their home.

I hope that helps you a little. A DAN doctor stands for Destroy Autism Now and they really can help! There's no guarantee, but it seems to bring improvement to many children.

Sorry this is so difficult for you. I suspect that he is not getting enough sleep - recommendations are for 10-11 hours a night. Getting more may help immensely. While my son is neurotypical - he is a monster without enough sleep. I second the recommendations to get help in the morning as well as the overnight diapers and showering in the evening. If he can get up closer to 6:15 or 6:30 and just get dressed and brush his teeth it might work better. Can he eat at school or even in the car on the way? If you are worried about your job, is your husband/partner able to take him to school in the morning so you can be reliably at work on time for at least a couple of months?

I would say that you need a helper in the mornings. One that will focus entirely on him and getting him ready for school. If it were me, and it sometimes is with either one of these heathens...lol, I would simply pick him up and park him, clothes and all, in the running shower. If he was lucky it would be warm and not too cool.

I usually will fight long enough to get the pull up off them and then let them sit and stew. Smelling better is the whole point of the morning shower. They can pee in the shower, they can pooh in the shower, they can stand there pouting and still do what I need done, they can wash and cooperate, they can do many things but at that time I am in control of the situation and not the brain stem or id.

Saying it one or twice, however you choose, then making them do what you said is paramount. They must believe you are going to do it, if they don't believe the won't obey. Parenting with Love and Logic classes helped me to learn to be consistent and to allow them the choice of complying with my request.

If they choose to not follow my instructions or do my request the consequences quickly follow that meet the goal I had to begin with.

You can't imagine how much faster the 8 yr. old girl gets up and dressed once I stuck her out on the deck in her pull up and pj top and shut the door on her. I had told her it was time to get in the van about 4 times. It was 10 minutes until time for school. I let her back in to get dressed after she had woken all the neighbors up and they thought she had been set on fire or something...did I mention she is a drama queen and screams at the top of her lungs for half an hour if she gets going???

She has never messed up that badly since. Run behind? Yes, blatantly disobey and say that I won't do anything about it if she doesn't get dressed? Not a chance in heck she thinks that can happen again.

Wow. You have more than a full plate. My heart goes out to you. I would highly recommend talking to your employer and contacting MORC for respite care asap. There are some things that you can do behaviorly like task lists and such. But I think in your immediate situation, getting someone else involved to help you would be my best advice. Good luck to you. I know how frustrating it is and I only have one child.

Without being able to offer any suggestions for your work situation, you might want to look into dietary means to control your son's diagnosis. A lot has been shown to improve certain behavioral conditions by better eating habits. Raw milk has shown to improve behavioral patterns in kids. Getting more raw veggies...veggies PERIOD! has shown to have good results too.
I would look into finding a holistic practioner or herbalist or nutritionist for help. Maybe just using organic products would make a difference, instead of just anything that might have been treated with pesticides or MSG or preservatives.

How can your Husband help... in the mornings?
Or, can he get a 2nd job, so that you can stay home?

Or, get a job that is part time.... therefore, perhaps the schedule will allow you to go into work later and then be there to pick him up after school?
And, I am assuming, that in school, your son will be having an Aid with him in school? Since he was diagnosed. Otherwise, he will not be able to manage in school, either. And the Teacher, cannot manage him either. He needs a Skills Trainer Aid with him in school/classes.

Does your son have a Therapist yet?

With you having a new baby coming along... you are gonna NEED HELP at home.
You cannot... handle your son and your other child and then the new baby... all by yourself. NO WAY.

What does your HUSBAND.... suggest or think, per problem-solving this? It is not your task to problem solve, alone. AND since, you will be on maternity leave... with a new baby... plus your 2 other kids.
It will be, nearly impossible, to manage.

You and Hubby, NEED to figure this out, NOW.
Before the new baby comes home.
Otherwise, it will be very arduous and insane to do it all by yourself... plus, having to get to work.

Your post, makes no mention... of how your Husband... is helping in all of this.
If anything, he may need to get a 2nd job.
And perhaps, you can hire a helper at home.
Try asking your Pediatrician for resources if he/she knows any.
And for any help or resources that your insurance will pay for.