Need Help with Aggressive 3 Year Old

I would continue with time outs, but come up with some kind of reward system also for both boys. Hopefully he will learn by example. You might reward for sharing, for playing nicely for 5 minutes, for saying please. The rewards can simply be stars or stickers or choosing which book you will read. Be excited by any small achievement and be casual about the time outs. Dont scold, since he might be needing attention, just calmly tell him what he did wrong and put him in his time out.

Hey C.,

I think everything you are doing is right. It takes time for children to adjust and learn the rules. Being consistent and giving consequences will pay off it just may take a little time. As far as protecting your children when you need to use the bathroom, cook lunch, etc. I would put him into the playpen with some toys so he is safe and your children are safe until you are prepared to fully supervise them again. Don't make it a punishment just a safe place for him to be while you are busy. I would give him a little more time and speak to the parents on what you are doing to help the situation so they can follow through as well and be consistent. It will be very confusing and take longer if the discipline is not being followed though at home as well. Good luck!!

Hi C.,

I think he needs this in his life right now. Being around your family will show him new and great things. You mentioned that he had been on medications. I know this is new for you as well as for him more for him. I would just talk to the parents about how you are dealing with their child. And maybe suggest they keep the same format, you all will get great results with time by sticking together. This change will not happen over night. Good Luck! Keep us updated. :)

Dear C.,

You sound like a wonderful mom and a committed caregiver! This little boy, and his parents, are lucky to have found you.

My personal belief is that when people treat behavior with only a punishment/reward approach, they are missing the point. This doesn't mean I don't believe in discipline; kids need to learn the difference between right and wrong. But a child who's misbehaving will continue to misbehave until he learns an *alternative.*

Is this little boy an only child? It sounds like he may have simply never had to learn a constructive way to get what he wants. If he hasn't played much with other children, he may have an idea that all toys belong to him; after all, all the toys in his house belong only to him. No matter how obvious "Can I play with that, too?" may be to an adult, for a preschooler who hasn't had much peer experience, it may simply not be in his vocabulary. This little boy may also be anxious or insecure at your house -- not because you're not doing a good job; just because being in a new place can be stressful for preschool-age children.

Either way, you might want to make a big deal out of getting him to ask for toys rather than hitting. You can enlist your children in this by making it a game: "We're all going to ask each other for things," etc. If this sounds even remotely feasible, try starting the game with something none of the kids really care about, say, a paper plate. They can ask for it in silly voices, pass it to each other very fast, etc. You can then bring in a toy that has just slightly more value to them, and so on. If this shows any sign of working, you can ask his parents to reinforce it at home.

In other words, even if the point we really want to make is "no," what kids often need most is an "instead."

Finally, if this really doesn't work, this little guy may just need to be in a play situation with multiple kids who are older and larger than he is. If he's in a group care setting where there's no way he can get away with hitting, he'll be forced to settle for an alternative. I know of one day care center that does this pretty routinely with children who hit: put them in an older group, sometimes only temporarily. Those kids are usually then too intimidated to hit, and as they observe older children communicating, they learn more constructive ways to get what they want.

That was really long and rambly; sorry. But I hope it helped.

Mira

Hi C.
I have a 4 year old daughter and started to babysit another 4 year old girl last September. The first two months were terrible. The girls fought all the time - about everything- big and small. I thought I was going to lose my mind! I was constantly reprimanding them and sending one or both to a naughty step. Like you, I wondered if I should give up babysitting but really wanted (needed!) the extra money. I started a reward chart for playing together. On it I wrote what behavior was expected: Sharing, Taking turns, no fighting, no hitting/shoving/pushing, putting away toys etc... At the end of each day, all three of us went to the chart to review the day. I asked them if they followed the rules and went through each one and asked them to give examples. If they had successfully played together nicely, they each put a sticker on the board. When we had reached a certain number of stickers (we had 20) I took the girls to Chuck E. Cheese's. We counted the stickers each day too to help with counting. They knew what the reward was and surprisingly they reached the goal in a couple of weeks. When they (or one) misbehaved I reminded them of the trip to Chuck E. Cheese and it seemed to make a difference! Hope this help! Good luck and things will get easier. It's an adjustment for everyone and will take some time for everyone to get used to each other (power struggles etc)

This little boy is so lucky to have you. You see the good in him and he will feel that. With all the previous medical issues that were keeping him from being exposed to other children and other activities maybe he has some sensory issues. Kids with sensory issues often have real difficulty with change and obviously this is a very new situation for him. It might be something for his parents to explore (they can get him evaluated by and Occupational Therapist or his local school district will do it for free). Also for you if you keep things very routine for him and give him lots of "warning" about what you will be doing during the day or even the very next activitiey this may help settle him. For example, always let him know 5 minutes before shifting gears -"in 5 minutes we'll be cleaning up or 5 minutes it's time for lunch" and then kind of count down the minutes so he's prepared. Also starting the day off with and including lots of physical experiences might help. Especially, repetitive behaviors like swinging or jumping on a trampoline, running, riding a tricyle. Hope this helps. You sound so conscientious, you'll figure it out!

It's admirable that you want to help w/this situation but sometimes you have to look at what this is doing to your own children. I have a close friend who I absolutely love, we get along well and all, but her son constantly hurts my daughter. No matter how much money I would be paid, it's not worth what my daughter has to go through. Our youngest started pulling her hair out because of all of this and when my friend calls for me to watch the kids it hurts me because I can't, but I can't allow someone else's child to bully my daughter. It's most likely even harder for you because you are not only a mom, but were a teacher as well so you may feel that you can do something about this situation. Maybe you can talk to your 4 year old and see how this is in his eyes. Good luck!

C.,
You want to keep him with you all the time then - and that means you can't leave him alone with your kids, either. You've seen that. Try a pack-n-play in the kitchen when you are doing cooking or other activities (or going to the restroom). He's safe, your kids are safe, it's a known environment, everything you could wish for.

Good luck,
M.