Need Help with 6 Year Olds Behavior!!

She is most likely saying that she doesn't care about the stickers when she thinks that she will not earn one. This sounds like her attempt to remain in control of the situation. Please don't stop doing it just because she said a few times that she doesn't care (she seems to be testing how dedicated you are to this & being a teacher I have seen many kids that parents give up on a behavior system & the kids think that everyone will stop making them do things they don't want to do - these kids will eventually go along with a behavior plan, but it can be very difficult.)

Best wishes =O}

Hi C..

It sounds like the change to first grade has your daughter feeling a little out of control. You could talk about it to your pediatrician the next time you are there, but meanwhile, try to help her feel more in control.

In my experience, the best rewards for children is "alone" time with mom or dad. Would you be able to spend 15 minutes or more with your 6 year old, just the two of you, when she gets into bed? You could read together, talk, or just snuggle. You could explain to your daughter that, if she gets ready for bed quickly and quietly, then the two of you will have your quiet time together. If she fusses and argues, that takes up the quiet time.

Going forward, the quiet time will continue to be helpful. For my kids, that time seemed to be when they wanted to talk and tell me the stuff they didn't mention earlier. They let down their defenses and told me about problems, questions about/for other kids, relayed fears or hopes.

Hope this helps.

Wow. Life has changed in the last few weeks, and it's kind of scary, huh?

I think step one is to call the teacher. Find out how she is doing in school, if she seems comfortable, if she's making friends and fitting in, or if there are problems there. I found that my kids were fine out in public, and the horrible behavior always happened at home, when they felt safe. But first be sure behavior at school is okay, and if you want to, get permission to attend a day of school to see for yourself. Your presence will change everything at school, but you should have a right to do that. (It's just tough around working)

It sounds to me as if she's a little taxed right now. she can hold it together, and probably does at school, but it gets to her when she finds something she does NOT want to do at home. Probably at school there are things she HAS to do that she doesn't want to do, and she can't act out there.

Maybe you could try debriefing the day when you get home from work. On the way home from daycare, tell her to tell you about her day. First you got to school, and found your desk, then what ? Who did you play with at recess? Did you run around ? Swing? Think of as many questions as you can that will get her talking about her day. Then you might find out what's going on that has her tied in knots.

And along with that, I might think about moving bedtime a little earlier. That way you can sit quietly together and read a book, relax and cuddle and then tuck her in before she's totally exhausted.

If nothing works, then, yes, definately talk to your doctor. and try to talk to the doctor on the phone BEFORE you bring your child in. That's hard these days, but you probably want to say things that you don't want to say in front of your child. :-)

Good luck. Parenthood isn't for the feeble, is it ? And sometimes, don't we feel feeble, and don't we wish someone else could simply solve the problem ? It's a whole lot easier to be me and toss some ideas out than it is to be you and try to cope night after night and wonder if your child is okay. I feel for you.

C.,
I think I can relate to what you are going through. My son is 5 and he can have those mood swings too. Usually it is when he is overly tired or frustrated. We do the reward system too and some days he is more into getting the stickers than others.
Do you think she's just really, really tired? Could you try putting her to bed a half hour or so earlier? When my son starts acting like a bear (usually around 6 p.m.--lovely for dinnertime!) I know he is heading to the tub early that night. I know your daughter probably doesn't take a nap but can she spend 30 minutes of "quiet time" playing in her room after school to kind of help her switch gears after school?
Is there anything else changing in her life right now? I think sometimes are processing the grim information that this "school thing" is going to go on for QUITE a few years.
I would try to keep her routine as similar as possible as it was before she started school--the usual: bath, snack, book, bed for example.
Sorry--that's all the advice I can think of. Hope this helps.

I don't know that I can offer much advice other than to say I am there too. My daughter is 6 and just entered first grade. I tried the sticker chart, but after a few days she decided she would rather have an allowance. Now we have a chart with her chores and behaviors, she earns check marks daily for doing the different things and at the end of the week if she has enough "good" behavior check marks she earns extra allowance. It works well because she is in control of it. We have also found a "special" place in the house (a corner of our playroom) that she can go to whenever she starts to feel angry/mad/frustrated/whatever and be alone. She has been really good about using it. When she goes to that special space nobody bothers her and within a few minutes she is okay.
I know it is hard, everyone has told me it is just a phase and she is trying to figure her role out. A lot has to do with our daughters personalities and their need for control. (and the fact that after a summer of a lot of control they have lost the control to school) I hope this helps, if nothing more to know that you are not alone!

C.
The best way to respond is not giving up and being constant with your discipline. Your daughter does care about the stickers, but says something else just to see if you'll give up. She will get the message that you aren't giving up eventually. One thing I will note from my personal experience is my daughter was HORRIBLE for about the first month or so of 1st grade. Even though she said she had fun and liked school, it was so different from kindergarten, and hard to adjust - she was really tired.

Hi C.,

Please don't let anyone push you into believeing that your daughter has some sort of mental health diagnosis like bipolar disease. She may, but once a child has that kind of label it will be with them forever.

Since she has started back to school,I think that she may be craving your attention since you are working she may not feel like she is getting enough good attention, so she will act out to get any attention. One way to deal with this is when she starts to act out is to say to her I am going to leave now, when you are ready to talk to me we can talk about why you acted out. In addition to not playing her game to get more attention, give her more at other times when she is not acting out. LISTEN to her fears, don't dismiss them as unimportant or childish - she IS a child. some responses could be i'm so sorry that susie wouldn't play with you today, It must be really scarey to not have anyone to sit with at lunch. You are not trying to fix the problem, but acknowleding the feelings. Of course if there is bullying or other problems take appropriate action. But still reflect your childs feelings, so they feel understood and yes loved.

You also mentioned that she has anger issues, do you encourage safe healthy ways for her to express her anger? or like I did and many parents still do say things like it's not nice to be angry, which teaches kids to deny the emotions rather than learn how to handle them.

A little about me, I am a 48 yr old grandmother of 2 and an involved aunt of 4. I am also working on a graduate degree in art therapy and counseling. So my response is from a personal and educational perspective. If you still have problems in a few weeks I strongly suggest some child or family therapy, generally therapists meet with children for only 6-10 sessions, so it is not a long process and can help to prevent bigger problems in the future.

God Bless

Nothing is wrong with your daughter. Kids come in every type of personality. Some more turbulent than others. You have said she is perfectly capable of being sweet when she feels like it. You need to clear up the confusion on what is allowed and what isn't. Disrespect, violent outbursts, refusing to go to bed and tantrums are not allowed, so you simply have to crack down.
Incentives, stickers, praise etc are all nice, but the most important part of the battle is the strong, simple, immediate negative consequences for wrong behavior. She knows what she is doing. React immediately, calmly, and firmly with a consequence when she begins to act mean etc. Do not let it escalate, do not get flustered. Be in charge. Let her know that the consequence is a result of her action, not your frustration. Be absolutely consistent and don't EVER let her get away with it. If you are passive and ignore it, you will be at her mercy to act this way for as long as she feels like it, and to know that you are not in charge, and she will resent you for it. If you prevail, in time, she'll give up. It may take a while since she is six and used to acting this way, but you will succeed. Meanwhile, be extremely loving and good to her all the time when all is well, so she sees the clear black and white difference. Do not ever assume it is a mystery or some medical flaw of hers. She's doing her job-pushing the boundaries-yours is to enforce them! Be sure dad is right in your boat enforcing everything as well. Good luck!

My five year old still needs a nap or at least "quiet time" in his room after school for one hour. He has fallen asleep everyday since fighting it the first day. This makes him much more agreeable as the day wears on into bedtime. Depending on how much sleep she is getting at night perhaps she still needs just a little time to herself to decompress after school?

I hope you find something that works!

As a neighbor to a mom who is suffering from the same type of behavior from her daughter at the age of nine and has been since the age of five, I am hoping I can help you. I have watched and learned from her daughter who I will call "M" since she was five years old. I have witnessed that when "M" is tired, frustrated, and or bored she tends to have tantrums to get attention. Screaming at her mother about emotions,"its not fair, you never let me do..., you like my brother more.."., and so much more. I came up with the help of "M"'s mother that everytime "M" yells, screams, or does or says something hurtful or innapproperiate, she looses 1 minute off her bed time. This has on some days put "M" to bed fourty min before scheduled bed time which is normally eight thirty. I can say that on the days she goes to bed early, she wakes up in a much better mood for the entire day. Then by eight o clock she is tired and bored and frustrated. If she has a great day with no fighting, then at seven thirty, maybe have some one and one time with her where you read a special book or have her read to you. Do this after bath/shower and she is in her PJ's. That way when it is eight o clock, you can kiss her good night and leave the room. If she gives you issues that night, then she looses min the next night. Make a chart with slashes. She will also learn that you will indeed keep track. I hate to say that I have even started this routine with my three year old, but I have indeed and after a week of loosing min to stay up with mommy, bed time is much smoother. How old are your other two girls? Good luck!

It sounds like your daughter is the sensitive type. It sounds like maybe she is over tired also too. What time is her bed time and what time does she wake up? Six year olds on average need 10 hours of sleep a night. Some still need 11 at this age. Is she getting that?

Does she need more of a wind down to get ready for bed? I read a book called 'Sleepless in Amercia" by Mary Sheedy Kurkinca and she encourage three stages of getting you child to sleep. First is a signal to get you child into the mind set of getting ready to settle down. This is OK, time to brush your teeth or lets pick up the toys. Giving her about maybe 20 minutes heads up time before you expect this to happen may also help, re warning at 10 minutes, 5, 3 and 1 minute left. That way she knows when she has to start brushing her teeth, getting a bath etc.
Next children need connection time with you and also your spouse. Reading a book, signing a song or talking in bed are all things that are calming and connecting for your child. It makes them feel more secure and able to go to sleep. Stress will actually inhibit them from falling asleep and hinder them from sleeping well.
Next they need a signal that its time for you to go. Ours is cuddles and kisses. This has worked like magic with our children. Granted I have four boys and doing this routine for all of them takes me 2 hours to put them all to bed. ( I stagger bed times and my husband helps me when he is home.) You wouldn't believe though how much they sleep better and open up to me about whats worrying them. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Try this for more understanding on your child's behavior.

http://www.disciplinehelp.com/parent/list.cfm?cause=All

Failing that she could be adjusting to anew schedule. My 5 year old is a real grump right now at bedtime but we know he is exhausted. We ignore his whining and screaming and tell him when hes quiet well come in and do his routine. This way he gets rewarded for being quiet not throwing a fit and its on him to change his behaviour.
Good luck

i have some ook recommendations for you that helped me.
- Raising Your Spirited Child,
- Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries
-Positive discipline.

Good luck!

I hear this a lot. I am not into the re-warding. I have issue with rewarding kids for being responsible or following instructions. I feel that they test us and push our limits. I have never spanked my kids, yelled yes that is the worst I do.

To correct bad behavior with my boys I do the following:
- I get books from the library about the theme we are having an issue with, tons, and tons, then when they are tired of me reading books about why we need to go to bed.... I asked them do you understand it's importance? If they say yes then we go back to reading adventure books and fun books that they get to choose and not mom.

- ROUTINE is very important. My boys and I get ready for bed time around 7:00 pm. At this time they need to get pjs, and brush teeth. Then they jump into my bed at 7:15 pm for story time. We read about 3 books and then they go to bed at 7:30 (YEP EARLY!!!) they are small and have a lot of energy, it takes them about 30 minutes to settle down and get the wiggles out. By 8:15 they start yawning and they eventually fall asleep.

- ANOTHER thing that helped me was getting books on CDS for kids. I will tell them if they lay in bed quietly then can listen to a story on a CD. I will play the story in a soft volume so that they had to pay attention to hear (which help them stay still in bed).... and while they listened to the story they will start falling asleep.

- THE most important thing is to show them why they need to go to bed. I will have them sit on my lab and google, why kids need a lot of rest. This will educate them that it is not that mom is being mean and making up rules, is that mom is following rules, to give the kids the best up bringing, she wants to be caring mom, a good mom.

Let me know if any of this works ;-)

Perhaps an air tight bedtime routine would help. I have a 13 year old foster son who is mentally retarded and came to me with several behavioral issues. 3 years ago,when he first moved in with my family bedtime was one of his 'issues.' Like many kids he was worried he'd miss something fun or cool that my husband and I might do after he went to bed so instead of going easily into slumber he would fall asleep because he was so tired from the violent temper tantrum he would through almost nightly. We immediately started a routine. Every night: free time until dinner, eat, clean up, homework, shower, brush teeth, one television show, take meds, read a book with mom, go to bed. It took just a couple of months until his bedtime behaviors were no longer present. Bedtime is not an issue at all at this point, and most of his other behaviors (and believe me there were many)have been curbed by structure, routine, and consistency. Hope this helps, good luck!

Wow, I thought I was the only one. I feel like we have the same life. I have 3 daughters and my oldest is 6 and just started 1st grade. We are having the same problems, except my daughters "fits" can occur at anytime and anywhere. It is a short fit then she is fine and she goes back to being a nice little girl. I would like to know myself if anyone has any advise for this situation. If not, I guess we can take a little relief that others are going thru the same thing.

She's female, hahaha. But serioulsy, she sounds like a normal little girl. Her personality is just different, remember, people are not robots, we are all different in our own ways. My daughter can get like that too sometimes, so can my nieces. I believe alot has to do with the amount of sleep they do or don't get, their diet, and just their own personality coming out. She just may be your fiesty one !! good luck.

Maybe it would help if you gave her a choice. Tell her to pick from 8, 8:15 or 8:30...then maybe she would be more apt to stick to it. I do know that it is normal for them to melt down in first grade. This is my third first grader this year and i was expecting a few night time melt downs. They need to get used to the long days.

What i don't think is normal is going from wonderful to mean. I can understand the meltdowns but if she is actually being mean to others that needs to stop. Maybe she can talk to a counselor at school on why she feels like she needs to be mean when she gets upset. The counselor can show her other ways to vent her anger.

Best of luck.

You've gotten some great advice. I just wanted to reiterate the idea of giving notice. Sounds to me like she might have a hard time shifting from one activity to the next, especially when it is bedtime which means winding down.

I would suggest giving notice starting at half an hour. Maybe you show her what the clock looks like when it will be bedtime so she can start watching it too. I know my dd started learning about time in kdg so she could get the concept at that age.

And it might just be an adjustment to being in school again. This year is going along very well so far (just started 3rd grade) but all of her previous years, it seemed to take her until Christmas to get really into the swing of things.

My kids aren't always cooperative about transitions - from playtime to mealtime, from snacktime to naptime, etc. So I announce that bedtime is in 10 minutes, bedtime is in 5 minutes, bedtime is in 2 minutes, now it's bedtime. That works well for us and gives the kids some warning about what is to come. If I don't do the countdown I am almost guaranteed to have difficulties.

If you think it is her trying to gain control, are there any decisions she can make during the bedtime routine? Which pj's to wear? Which bedtime story to read? What clothes to wear the next day?

I also wondered if you daughter is overly tired in which case an earlier bedtime might help.