Need Help with 6 Year-old Daughter's Tantrums

If I were in your situation, I would definately get medical help. The only reason I say this is b/c of her not remembering what she just did, and that to me is a sign of an issue that she needs medication. Maybe if you get ahold of it now, she will be able to mature normally with no anger issues. Sounds like she is a great little girl, but she is probably feeling inside the way that she is allowing it to come out. Good luck, and I hope you get answers quickly.

I would seek some professional help regarding this. If she is really not aware of what she says or does during the outrage outbursts there is something more wrong.
Checmical imbalance, etc., can cause some of these symptoms.
I would get her additional help and soon.

I have found that I have to teach my children how to cope with frustration and hurt feelings. When someone causes a physical hurt, hurts their feelings or they can't have what they want and are frustrated, I take the time to teach them what to do instead. I tell them they need to use their words and tell me (another adult or the person that hurt them) what's wrong. They need to learn to vocalize why they are upset, in a nice tone, without bursting out and hitting. If they hit someone, I tell them that when someone hits him it really hurts. We don't like it when we are hit, so we shouldn't hit others. I might lightly tap his arm or bottom and then ask him if that was nice and show him he doesn't like being hit either. I make them say "sorry" and give a hug to another person. Sometimes my boys will come up to me with an ouchy or hurt feeling and I console them with hugs, kisses and soft touches. I encourage them to see how I help them feel better and do similar things to others when others have hurt feelings or ouchies.

I show my boys how to resolve conflict by using words, asking for items, sharing, and taking "no" as an acceptable response. I ask him to wait instead of repeating the question, whining and throwing a tantrum. I tell him to be patient. If he doesn't comply, I ignore his episode and walk away. I don't give him the attention he wants from the tantrum. If he starts to whine, the response of "be patient and wait a few seconds" turns into a "no". If he whines or throws a tantrum, even if the request was going to be "yes", I say "no". I make him act correctly to be rewarded with whatever it is that he wants. I don't give attention or award poor behavior.

Timeouts work sometimes. But, for example, my son may decide he doesn't want to pick up toys. He would rather sit in timeout for a few minutes than pick up. So... now I put him in timeout, then tell him to pick up again. If he doesn't pick up, he might get a light spankin' or another timeout. If he still doesn't comply, then I assist him to pick up by using a "hand over hand" technique. You hold his hands and make him pick up the toys. He's learned to comply without much hesitation now. Sometimes instead of telling him to pick up... I ask him if there is anything he knows how to pick up. Sometimes phrasing it different and letting him show off his skills of organization or helping mom out is a better approach.

I also try to keep the routine set throughout the day. There is a certain time to clean, play, eat, etc. We have to wash our hands after playing outside. We need to wash hands after going potty. If we get up from the table, then their dinner time is over. If they haven't eaten most of the food or tried every item, then they miss a snack or only get water for a drink in the evening instead of juice. I reward with different things, stickers, piece of chocolate, sucker, trip to the park, outings to pick out something special like a pumpkin for Halloween or a new toy for the puppy. We would do those things anyways, but "when" we do them is up to their good behavior. Sometimes we plan outtings, and if they are not in good spirits, then we don't go out.

Your daughter is a very smart girl! She is playing you and her dad. She knows what she is not supposed to do. Help her get it under control by giving her a reason- punishment. When she threw the tantrum, she should have been taken home, put in her room for the rest of the day-no TV, or anything electronic, and dinner alone in her room. A few minutes in time out is obviously not enough. The only thing that is going to cure this behavior is harsher punishment. She is much too old to be having tantrums. Try it a couple of times. You will see great improvement. And don't bother to ask if she knows why; believe me she knows. Little girls are very good at snowballing their parents. I raised 2 boys and a girl so I know first hand.

S T - I completely agree with Sindy. By tracking the incidents, you have documentation of the incident's length, severity, as well as you may discover some common things that trigger her outbursts. I would track for at least a few weeks; and then make an appointment with your child's pediatrician (I'd ask when making the appointment whether or not she should be present). GOOD LUCK to you!

Hey ST, I had the same problem with my oldest when she was about the same age. I had this wonderful child who never talked back to mommy, then out of the blue she was screaming into my face, yelling, slamming doors, ect.
I was frightened, I didnt know who that child was! I took her to a pediatric therapist who did a three session evaluation of her and our family life (I was a single mom at the time). She did mini sessions with us together and then each of us alone. We found that she was having a very hard time expressing her anger and other emotions. These emotions bottled up with no outlet and the explosions would occur. She had a few sessions alone with her and taught her some ways to deal with her emotions. We only had one minor outburst after that. It was amazing.
I would honestly take her to see a pediatric thrapist. It can only help. Ive been where you are and it can be a scary thing to stare into the face of uncontrollable anger. I really do hope you get resolution, and your sweet daughter back.....full time.

M.

It may be too early to test and really know but it sounds like Bi-polar disorder.

I have a 6 yr old boy that does the same thing - he is very sweet and eager to please, but he seems to go from 0-60 with these temper tantrums - he just has a really hard time controlling his emotions.

We took him to a counseler that specializes in children ages 0 - 12, and she is a big help - she gives my husband and I "homework" to do with him each week, and she also works with him and over time will teach him ways to calm himself - we're just over a month into the process, and honestly i can see the change in him a bit already - there are less trantrums, and he seems to be able to find a way to calm himself a bit already too.

I can get you her name if you'd like - just let me know.

-T.
____@____.com
http://MamaWorksFromHome.NET
http://FindUrSmile.com

I would start with your pediatrician, the thing that is not typical is that you really believe that she does not remember the episodes. Be firm with your doctor and tell him that this is real and ask for a referral. She should be checked out for neurological and physical impairments before you consider that this is a psychological problem, but seek that referral too if you do not find anything. I would absolutely start a log and keep track of everything that is happening for a week or two so that you can see if you have triggers, including what she eats, because drops in blood sugar can cause behavioral issues.

M.

if you believe that she does not remember what she said, than this could be far more serious than a tantrum. I would seek professional help. You can get free testing through the school district that you are in.
If you felt that the "I don't Remembers" are from embarrassment or something else than maybe they are just tantrums. Does it only happen to just you and your husband? Or to others at school? If so maybe try to pay attention to the situations-anything in common? And being supportive and loving is good. Ignoring the tantrum, working with her on how to express anger, (look up social stories on line or with the help of a school counselor), and helping her to use "I feel" statements (of course before she gets into the situation and then teaching after) are all good ways to work it out.

I hope I've helped in some way and best of luck.

HAve you heard of ODBD ( Not sure about first word O___ Defieant behavior disorder. Iknow this is taking a flying leap but it is the conceern taht she does not remember after her bursts. If that is true professional help is needed. Why not check it out and make sure early intervention is the key here

I believe there are tantrums to get attention and then there are tantrums caused by other issues, such as a child who does not know what to do with their anger. That said. I would go to your childs doctor and if possible take a tape to show and a chart if you can make one before the appointment - this is beyond the walk away and igore them that happens at a much younger stage - has the child always done this - how long has she been doing this. Anyway - I know no parent wants to hear this but the doctor needs to help you find a good counselor for your child so you can find what is causing these ourbursts.

I would definately get an evaluation by your pediatrician and a child psychyatrist. A lot of emotional issues can be treated with therapy, but if she has a chemical imbalance, no amount of discipline will solve the problem and she will need medication. Any history of bipolar in the family? It sounds very similiar to how this presents in children. Good luck!

Maybe if you vidoe taped her while she was doing this and then showed her after she had calmed down, she might realize what is happening and how ugly it is.
Most doctors will tell you to ignore her and walk away. Once she realizes she's not getting your undivided attention she may stop.

Wishing your family all of the best with your daughter. What is her diet? Is it sugar heavy? And can you comment on the amount of television she watches? I feel these two factors may set the stage for aggressive behavior and out of control tantrums that I've witnessed in my own 3 year old niece along with witnessesing agressive tone of voice/ behavior in the adults around her.

Helo ST. I do not think this is a cry out for attention. In some of her incidents she was receiving attention when she acted out. I agree with you that you should punish her in some way. It does sound like your precious one needs a psychiatic evaluation. However, I strongly encourage you to track when she has them, what seemed to set them off or what she was doing (like playing ball with dad), how long it lasted, what she did during them, what you did in response, and any other info you can think of. When you go to a Dr about this, they are likely to say 'ignore it' or 'reprimand her'. If you have strong documentation they are more likely to be helpful b.c you will be more helpful in the severity of the problem. Also, consult with her teachers and other/any adult she also spends time with to find out if she has them while in their care. Since she Honestly has no memory of behaving this way, to me, it is a sign that she has a problem that 'punishment' of any form won't stop. The sticker chart/goal idea might not work b.c you might be reminding her constantly of behavior she does not remember and that might lead you to other problems. I would continue the time outs so that A) you are not approving the behavior B) both you, your husband, and daughter have time to 'cool off' and C) during the time out is a great time to document the incident. Also, you might want to look to see if there is a change in your routine or food when she has an outburst; it might be as simple as a certain type of food setting these off (but not likely). Just document as much as you possibly can and find a good child counselor.

Hello, ST, I Just wanted to say, I have a now 8 yr old son who did alot of that same behavior. He is autistic, ADHD, and developmentally delayed. Now, I am not a dr but it sounds like your daughter does need to be evaluated by a professional for I think she shows a few slight signs of autism. I may be totally off the track and forgive me if I am wrong. Just trying to help u. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. If you need any other help, I know alot of things about those disorders mentioned above, so give me a shout. Take care.... and hang in there.