Need Help with 5 Year Old Daughter Who Has Major Attitude!!!

Updated on April 11, 2009
M.R. asks from Saylorsburg, PA
23 answers

My almost 5 1/2 year old daughter is making it so I don't want to be around her. She doesn't listen to a simple command..like cleaning her craft mess up. She start it but then goes and play with her brother. I have to repeat things over and over again and when I get in her face about it, she grunts and turns her head. She hurts her brother and lies about it. She starts fights with him and things I don't know. Like most recently, he was walking my her and for what ever reason, she grabbed him and in his defense, he went to hit her. Then she starts crying and says he hit her when she started it. My days are filled with yelling, yelling and more yelling and unfortunately...i slip and swear at her. She purposely keeps her brother from napping (they share a room) b/c she doesn't want to nap. I don't know what to do with her behavior! She is good at school, but seems to leave her listening ears at school. The teachers don't believe that this is the same girl. She is really like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. She kicks when I tell her no for something and cry constantly. Shouldn't she act better at almost 6. She truly acts like she's 2. Hubby and I try talking to her, but she just grunts and hides her face. I don't like the person she is becoming and I hate that she turns me into this evil mother that yell. I don't enjoy my children. When they are alone, they are fine, but it's like she has to be the center of attention when they are together and if that means getting in trouble she doesn't care. She is our first born, is that why she needs to be the center of attendtion?

I don't know what to do anymore! Some days she is good with helping me out, but most days I'm yelling!! I take things away..like TV for an evening and she kicks and screams she wants tv, but I tell her bad girls don't get to do fun stuff. I most recently taken gum away from her. I only just let her chew gum for the first last summer. Lately, she wants gum all the time. And now that she misbehaves, I take the gum away.

She also talks back (which is normal) but its with that cockiness of the head bobbling.

Is anyone else going through a similar experience?

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M.L.

answers from Allentown on

Hi. My son has been acting out now that we have a baby at home. I realized that praising him really does work. He was peeing his pants all the time but when I started saying, "Good job" after every trip to the potty, it stopped happening! Whenever he does something good, I say, "I'm proud of you" or something else that's positive. And when he does something bad i say, "You're a nice boy and nice boys don't do that." He's still not an angel, but I have seen improvement. Good luck!

More Answers

B.D.

answers from Philadelphia on

Hi M.,
I am sorry that you are going through such a rough patch. When disciplining a child you want to try to fit the consequence to the behavior. If your daughter does not clean up her craft supplies she cannot move onto the next activity, You can also tell her that if she cannot clean up her craft supplies she cannot play with them.
Instead of repeating, try saying something once and have her parrot it back to you so that you know that she hears you and understands you. And she has demonstrated to YOU that she knows and understands.
It is very common for a child to follow directions at school and have a hard time at home. At school the rules are clear and the consequences are followed through on a very consistent basis. Unfortunately parents are not always as consistent as they should be.
Sit your daughter down and tell her that things are going to change. Use a calm and excited voice not a negative tone. You are not going to yell anymore because you do not like it and you do not like being angry all of the time. Tell her that her behavior (NOT HER AS A PERSON) has become disruptive and together you are going to find a way to make home a more cooperative and fun place. Ask her for her ideas. Give her room to express her feelings without fear of parents getting defensive or being judgmental. Next create house rules together. Tell her that they are for everyone to follow. Everyone will use calm voices. Everyone will use gentle hands. Everyone will help out.
Lastly I noticed that you are labeling your daughter as bad..."Bad girls dont get to do fun stuff" When you label a child they tend to become that label even more. It is not a deterrent and can make your child feel bad about themselves because you see them as bad.
Changing behaviors can take time but you can do it
Make rules together
Be clear abut the rules
Follow through with logical consequences
Model the behavior that you would like to see in your child

B. Davis
Child And Family Coaching
(p) ###-###-####
(f ) ###-###-####
www.ChildAndFamilyCoaching.com

Because nothing is more important than family

4 moms found this helpful

A.J.

answers from Williamsport on

We all feel for you! I see the first lady included a link with old answers. I have one in there you should read.

Your case sounds a little worse since it's not just starting. You really are trying and you really do care, so here are some key phrases from your letter I'll answer, and then you can read my other response too if you wish from the past link.

The reason you are being pushed to yell and get totally frustrated, is because you haven't found an effective way to stop the bad behavior before it has worn you down. You mention getting in your daughter's face about things. That's not calm confident leadership. I'm not trying to offend you, I know you already know this isn't working. You have to be the calm mom in charge.

You mention all the different wrong things she does. What you need is ONE system to address ALL things as they BEGIN. Until she learns that she must behave nicely, or she always gets the same simple consequence right away. This includes all the yelling, lying, kicking, being mean to her brother, keeping him form napping, attention commanding, being bad at home and good at school, having tantrums when you take TV or gum away, head cocking and smarting off, etc.

Keep it simple. If you do all different things at all different times, or something that doesn't work-like yelling, she will not learn to stop the bad behavior. It's too easy to continue it when sometimes she gets punishments that mean nothing to her. She has to get a consequence she wants to avoid every time before things escalate. Then it's her choice to stop right away, before she's angry herself.

It sounds like she's allowed to have tantrums. You take the gum away, but then she cries, or you take TV away, but then she cries. That's giving her one attempted consequence that doesn't work, and then allowing a tantrum about it. You've got to toughen up!

At very first moment of disrespect or wrong behavior:
1) Calm warning.
2) Maybe one more calm warning.
3) Take action calmly and firmly.

You're asking about her age, and if it's because she's first born....DOESN'T MATTER. All kids will do this if they're allowed to. Trying the behavior is normal at this age. Teaching them to behave well is your job.

Also, you mention smarting off to you is normal. Only if you accept it! You can absolutely teach her not to smart off to you. When you allow a little disrespect, the next step is major disrespect before you take action. You should implement your discipline immediately at the first sign of disrespect. Every time. Unless you don't really mind it.

Your own guidelines for what you will tolerate sound a little flexible to me. And I sense the anger and fighting in your house already, so I don't want to encourage stronger discipline as in spanking. That is the method I use, only because I never get angry or let things escalate, and I almost never have to use it. You don't mention spanking, and keep in mind, if you have used it, sporadic angry spanking is also uneffective just like anything sporadic or angry. It sends the message that you're acting out of your own frustration, and doesn't teach the child about their actions.

If the only one suffering moments after trying to start being bad- as in sitting in time out or having a stinging butt or whatever- is the child, and you're just fine and going about your business, and it happens every time, they'll learn they are only hurting themselves, and decide against the behavior in the future. Kids are smart, and they like to be good.

Your daughter has been acting this way a long time already and will need a LOT of repetition in her discipline before she gets it, so if I were you, I'd try time outs or something else she really hates. Use them immediately when she STARTS acting badly after one calm warning from you. I haven't seen time outs work, but other people say they do, but my point is find SOMETHING that's a conseuence she responds to and use it consistently.

Do it again and again and again every single time she begins to act badly. It will take time for her to learn you never back down and that you are in charge. This is new to her. You have to remain calm and patient so she sees this is all about her, not you. IT WILL TAKE TIME. But you will see her start to decide to be good if you're patient.

Keep implementing the consequences while she cries and rebels against your authority with calm warnings to stop crying. Once she is in a tantrum, forget about the first offense and just focus on the tantrum. Start the time out over if she keeps crying, don't let her whine in the time out. No lying around on the couch crying all night with the TV off while you ignore her. Use a consequence for the crying. Make sure dad is helping if he's home.

Yes, it will be A LOT of work, but she's been allowed to get to this point. It will be worth it. The only option is to give up and accept this as her personality or wait for her to outgrow it. But you don't want a nine or ten year old daughter who doesn't respect you, so fixing it now is best if you're up for it.

Don't forget to be even more supportive and loving when the waters are calm. Give her lots of new choices (not during discipline episodes, but during the other times) and good attention. It helps illustrate the difference in everything when she's acting badly. Ideally you want 99% good times, and 1% quick effective discipline. That's your goal. It can be done.

Don't forget to get hubby 100% on board. She has to see a united front and that NO ONE lets her get away with this.

Don't blame her! Keep your heart anger free and focused. As you are working hard, just accept that it's harder to clean up a big mess after the fact than a small mess as it starts. Take equal responsibility and understand you both have to go through this now. You know she CAN be good, because she is at school. She respects authority in teachers, not in you. Get your power back through calmness and action. You'll get through it if you really try.

Your son will benefit too, and it will be good practice for you, since he may be just as hard to handle or harder one day. But not if he knows mom's in charge. Let him watch you take charge now. Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful
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J.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I have a 5 yo daughter and never in a million years would I put up with what you just described.

To me it shows she doesn't act up at school because she knows the teachers won't tolerate it, but at home she knows she can get away with it. Seems like what you're doing is obviously not working or you're not as consistent as what you put out to be.

You need to find a punishment and stick to it when she misbehaves, make a chart and reward her for good behavior a little at a time. Obviously taking gum away and TV isn't cutting it and if she screams everytime you take the TV away are you giving in and letting her watch it? Seems like if you stuck to your guns she would eventually stop that behavior.

I have a 10 yo son and the 5 yo daughter. I'm not saying they don't fight and she doesn't misbehave but nothing like you describe. Is she getting enough sleep? Some kids misbehave worse when they are tired.

When the kids misbehave I take something away and stick to it and not until they do something good or beyond what they should do they get it back. It makes them think before they act. Good Luck

2 moms found this helpful

B.K.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Hi M. It sounds like you need to go back to the basics. You can't reason with a 5 yr old. If she won't clean up her craft mess then she gets no crafts for a couple of days. If she is mouthy, time out in a corner or on the steps or in her room (no access to toys of course). Don't argue with her, just put her in time out. If she starts a fight you finish it quickly and quietly with another time out. Sure no gum, no tv is great but don't tell her it's because she's a "bad girl" remind her it's because she hit her brother or yelled at you (behavior). She has to realize there is consequences for her behavior good and bad. When she is being good and helpfull and getting along with the family tell her how much you enjoy being with her. I know it's tough, we have been there with our middle daughter! Your daughter may always be a bit of a "drama Queen", but she can behave and you have the right to require her to! Take a deep breath, and regain control of your home. Make sure hubby does the same, consistantcy will be your best friend and pay off in the long run. Best wishes.

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L.R.

answers from Philadelphia on

Hi M.,

You've received some really good advice already, but I'll ask you to read the first line of your request. COMMAND! your first mistake is to command anything - how do you respond to commands? Children need nurturance and understanding - yelling and commands breeds just the type of behaviors you are getting. Please take a look at your approach to are parenting... Good luck,

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L.T.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I can't tell you how many conversations I've had recently with moms whose kids are acting disrespectful and defiant right now. Mine included. It think being cooped up for the winter has taken its toll on all of us. Know that you are not alone in your struggles.

I think you've gotten a lot of great advice so far. I, too, believe that consistency, having clearly defined rules and consequences, keeping a calm demeanor, and using positive reinforcement when she is behaving will help you see results.

I want to mention two books that have helped me - "1,2,3 Magic" and a book about raising strong willed children. I use timeouts as a discipline method. "1,2,3 Magic" helped me to learn techniques to make timeouts more successful and it helped me to be consistent about it. The book about strong-willed children taught me to be precise about how I speak to my children when I am stating an expectation (After dinner you need to put your dirty clothes in the hamper and put your toys where they belong before you can watch a video), a rule/consequence (our rule is that if you hit your brother, you will lose "X" for 1 day) and also giving praise (That was nice of you to read your brother's favorite book to him. You even did different voices for the characters - which he loves.)

I also want to mention a few things I do to deal with various situations I encounter with my kids (ages 3 1/2 and 4 1/2). Maybe they will give you some ideas...

When I see or sense that trouble is brewing I remind the kids to make good decisions and we review our rules/consequences.

When possible, I give choices so they feel they have some control (choice of two different desserts, etc).

I do a countdown before transitions (10 minutes until X, 5 minutes until X, 2 minutes unti X, time for X).

If something needs to be done in a certain amount of time I set a timer. If goals are not reached by the time the timer goes off, consequences will be handed out.

I praise them when they comply with my directions, are respectful, use kind words, etc.

I use a behavior chart. There are 2 columns for each day. One column has X's for misbehavior and the other has smiley faces for behavior. I log X's and smiley faces accordingly. At the end of each day, if there are more smiley faces than X's the kids get a sticker on the chart. At the end of the week if they have "X number of stickers" they get a small prize from the prize box.

After a timeout is completed, I sit down with my children and talk about why the timeout was given and what better choices could have been made to avoid the timeout. I give them a hug and tell them I love them.

Good luck to you!

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B.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I wanted to make a few observations after reading your post...

You said "and when I get in her face about it", "my days are filled with yelling, yelling, and more yelling", "I slip and swear at her" - it sounds to me as if she is acting this way because this is the behavior that you have modeled. I think in order to make the situation better you will have to rethink and readjust the way you communicate with her. I would express your expectations. If she does not follow through then remind her and explain that she will lose ____ privilege. If she still fails to follow your direction then follow through, take away the privilege and do not react to her tantrum. She wants to get a rise out of you by throwing the tantrum. If you fail to react then what fun is it for her?

Also "she doesn't want to nap" - I have two daughters, one is 3 1/2 and the other is 6 1/2...neither one has napped since 2 so I think expecting a 5 1/2 year old to nap is too unrealistic. If you want her to have down time then why not encourage her to read a book, color a picture, or do some other quiet activity while her brother naps maybe even in a seperate room?

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S.R.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Hey M.
I can relate,my kids are 14,12 and 6.I am sure you will get lots of great advice,but I will give you my suggestions.I used to be a yeller,it is hard not to some days,but I try hard to stay calm and talk in a normal voice,or even whisper.Kids want to know what you are saying,so they may stop yelling just so they can hear you.
If she doesn't want to clean up crafts,toys,clothes etc,simply do it for her,and take them away.Be sure she is aware if she doesn't clean them up,you will be putting them in a bag (or box) and she will have to earn them back (or get them back after a specified amount of time).She will learn when she can't play with her favorite things or wear her favorite clothes.

Praise her when she is good,and reward good behavior.Gum doesn't have to be taken away,it can be given when she is being nice to her brother,cleaning up her stuff,or whatever behavior you want to reward.
It is great that hubbie is on your side and trying to improve this.What about hubbie taking your son to a park or the store (or something special for them) when your daughter is being mean to your son.Or you take your son,so you can have quality time with him.Point is to make your daughter know she is missing special time when she chooses to misbehave.Let her know,you want to have family time together,but the choice is up to her.
As for naps,like someone else posted,she doesn't need a nap.I do quiet time though,make it a part of the routine,she needs to spend an hour coloring,doing puzzles,crafts,reading books etc.Perhaps she gets to lay on your bed to look at books (or a place that she thinks would be special for her).

It will take some effort on your part to be CONSISTENT daily with this,but it will work.

www.ForMyKidsSake.com

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J.Y.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Here are 2 options- The Power of Positive Parenting by Latham in book form, or Have a New Kid in 5 Days on CD. They both have the same concept- reinforcing good stuff by pooring on attention when they are doing the good thing, and acting on bad behavior with immediate consequences the 1st time. Both recommend ignoring little things like sass, even walking away when your child attempts to engage you in an argument. Both methods restore a respectful relationship by recommending you maintain a normal tone and calmness when talking to your children- not easy i know. Its hard work in the beginning and your children will figure it out and try to derail you. Stick with it and the rewards are plenty.

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P.M.

answers from Harrisburg on

M.,

You already have some solid advice.

I've had some counseling with/for my older difficult child and one thing that I didn't see mentioned yet is to use as few words as possible. When you go on and on (as it seems you're saying you do), they kids will hear you as the kids on the old "Peanuts" shows heard the adults...as a big jumble. One word should be enough. If she hasn't cleaned up the craft area, say "crafts" and walk away. (Of course you'll need to explain to her when she's calm beforehand what you will be doing.) If she ignores you, she loses privileges. This should also be revealed to her earlier - what the privileges are. Your daughter is a bit young for this, but my older one actually has a written contract. My husband and I developed it b/c my son said I was yelling too much. The contract spells out for him what happens for each violation...some penalties are monetary (i.e....don't make your bed before you go to school and the maid (me) must make it and it will cost you $$) and some are loss of privileges (i.e. don't do your homework and you lose all media (tv, wii, x-box) or don't get up in time for breakfast before school and you go to bed early that night). You have to know what's important to your child and that's what it costs her when she misbehaves. The "punishment" should fit the "crime". If she knows the consequences, it takes the emotion out of it. You simply say "you knew what would happen if...." It's not easy, and my son has shed plenty of tears over this, but you must be consistent. There are very few times (but they do occur) when I do allow him to "earn" his way out of his punishments and that allows me to talk to him about grace. Your child has to learn obedience and proper behavior now or it will affect her entire life. We tell our son we'd rather he suffer our (relatively small) consequences now than get fired from a job at 30 because he can't follow instructions. In addition to keeping a sane and peaceful household for you, this is all part of helping her become a functioning member of society.

Oh and I would not allow her to talk back to me. She's only 5...how ugly would that get when she's 13 if you let her do that now!!

Good luck.

Please feel free to PM me if you want any further information. Our counselor has been a wealth of information. If you want the name/number, I can provide it. Her help was worth its weight in gold for our family.

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D.W.

answers from Allentown on

Hi! I'm a special ed teacher to students with Emotional Disabilities, and also am working on a masters in Restorative Practices in Education... with that qualifier - a fairly easy program that I've seen work for my students, my step-son (who had similar behavior programs) and for the parents that I've worked with is the Total Transformation Program or TTP. It's a little expensive, but worth it. You could also get on the newsletter mailing list which is free and at least get some tips and read articles about specific concerns for your child. Hope that helps! I know how stressful and exhausting it can be! :)

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B.W.

answers from Erie on

Part of me wants to say that being a mom is not worth it. It's a ton of work, it's trying to make things happen that don't quite work, it's wanting the best, and not seeing it happen, it's cleaning and drudgery, forcing kids to do homework they don't want to do, carting them around like an unpaid servant to school events, cheering from the sidelines and never being the star. Sorry . . . it's motherhood. You are the servant to all, in many ways.

On the other hand . . . there are also glimmers of hope along the way . . . and when you see your children as successful adults, you'll sit back and 'wonder how that happened'. It's amazing, and rewarding, and I consider it my most crowning achievement. I have launched two very successful women and I have 2 teens.

Kindergarten is a challenging year. Yes, she is good in school, and in public. But that's what you WANT, isn't it ? When she comes home, she's tired, she's been good in public all day at school. She is bound to want to just let down and relax at home, and let the emotions and stuff she contained in school 'out'. Not so hot for you. Necessary for her.

I would really like you to read your letter again -- I have a very strong suspicion that you sound just like your daughter. I think half the clash is because the two of you are so much alike.

I also think that it's time to listen to what she's saying. She doesn't want to nap -- and she's old enough to stop napping. Why not let her stay in the living room with a book for a quiet time while her brother naps ? Better yet, do you have space for her to have her own room ? That way she could have certain toys that are more age appropriate to her, and he would not be able to get at them and do what 2.5 yr old boys do with toys. If she has a "quiet time" with a book, without her brother, she might drop off to sleep, and she might not, but either way, there's some down time to relax.

What do you do when she's doing crafts ? Is this a mutual entertainment, or is it all hers? do you really expect that at almost 6, she's ready to be responsible enough to pick it all up herself. Whatever happened to, "Let's get this cleaned up before we do anything else?" Where's the WE in this family ? Obviously the kids are at different age levels with different expectations, but what she probably sees is that you do everything for him, and you demand that she do it all herself. (conversely, our youngest, when asked to do some stupid little thing would burst out, "Why do I have to do all the work in the house?" Didn't that makes us laugh -- cuz she did almost NONE of it one thing, in a whole week and it was too much)

As our kids grow, we have to grow and change, too. I found when my kids were near your kids' ages that I had to change my expectations or I would spend all my time simply yelling at them and never enjoying them. And, yes, child #1, was the hardest. She is still the most headstrong of all our children, the most in-your-face, the most apt to take over and ramrod things through Congress, etc. You have to decide what is most important to you, and focus on those things. Let some of the other issues go for now. They are just adding fuel to a fire that it already out of control.

Think of how you can treat her like a big girl, maybe doing a few things with just her when Daddy is home, so he can watch the little guy. I suspect she is treated as a 'big girl' at school, and she comes home and is lumped in with a 3 yr old, and she thinks she's being treated like a 3 yr old. And, when treated that way, she'll act like one.

There are many emotional changes going on, and lifestyle changes during the kindergarten year. All children become strangers to us at that age. They see other forms of behavior at school, and they mimic it. They test it out, and try it on, and sometimes it just doesn't fit their family life. Other times, someone at school may be bothering them, and while they don't say anything, they take it out on family, making sure they are on top of the pecking order at home because they are near the bottom at school. ?? Just some ideas. . .

The bottom line is that you are the adult in the situation. You have to decide whether you are going to have a screaming household or a quieter one. It is very hard not to scream when your kids are driving you insane, and they do, it's part of their jobs in life . . but if you make sure your day is such that you are more relaxed when she is home, and that you don't take on a ton of stuff so you aren't pressured, you are more apt to keep your cool. When she kicks her brother, let her know that she doesn't have to like him, but she is not allowed to touch him in anger. If she had her own room, she'd have a place to go when she's angry, where she can be alone, then return to the family area when she's ready to "be family".

I'm sure the other moms on this sight will have excellent advice, and some will suggest books that might help. Try it. The only thing I want to say, is that looking back, there are many times I would like to apologize to my eldest. The oldest child is the "experimental child". She's the one who we hold to the highest standard, because we somehow expect them to be perfect -- we give up a bit with each successive child. We don't know anything about raising children, so the oldest one is the one we "practice on", sometimes doing well, and sometimes failing miserably. And with our first children, we want so much for them to be all the right things, and for us to be the perfect parents . . . somewhere along the way, we learn to slow down, not put so many of our expectations out there, and simply watch them grow and learn and share in their discoveries . . . Our older two girls went through a lot of what I hear in your note about your two. Our younger two (born about 10 years later than the first two) live in an entirely different world. They had experienced parents from the get-go. They were carted to middle school, then high school as infants and toddlers. They had parents who were more worried about accomplishing everything that needed to be done than having a perfect house. They had older parents who also didn't have the energy to be at them for every little thing. . . and they are now teens. 15 and 13. And the difference is astounding. Neither of them fight or argue or fuss. We are probably the only house on the street where teens don't slam doors, and scream at their parents. Somewhere along the way we learned to listen, so they don't have to raise their voices to be heard. We stopped living our lives through our children, freeing them to live and build their own lives. We enjoy them, we encourage them, we cart them around, we invite friends over, we drop everything for our kids when we need to. We have behavioral expectations, but they meet them -- I don't know why. They just do. The youngest sometimes leaves me stimied for how to solve an issue, and I've found that her adult sisters have been able to add sisterly encouragement that has helped her to focus on what's important in life. At this point in my life, I would say, yes it is worth it. . . . but when I was in your shoes, with two children, 2.5 years apart, I went through the kinds of days you are describing, too, and it was all I could do to survive them.

Maybe, during nap time, if your daughter is "stuck on the couch" until the kitchen timer goes off, and your son is napping, you can use that time for some "me" time, too. Find something that YOU want to do, not housework or drudgery, but something you enjoy, and use that hour to be good to yourself. I think you need a little pampered time in your hectic day, so you can begin to relax and enjoy life. :-)

And, yes, it DOES get better . . . The kindergarten year is tough. I think everyone's child turns into a brat during kindergarten !

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C.W.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I am sorry i don't have any advice for you but only to tell you my 5 year old daughter acts the same way but she is an only child as of right now. I feel exactly the way you do yelling all the time, i do get maybe a day or two that she behaves well but i am at wits end too!! Hope they get better as they get older. OH and she definitely acts like she is two years old sometimes crying like a baby.

D.S.

answers from Norfolk on

Hi M.,

Check into a parenting class.

Help your child get her needs met. Since your girl child is between an older brother and a younger brother, she will certainly have issues. She is a middle child.

Here is a communication format.

When you.................(describe the behavior}

I feel..................(describe how you are FEELING about her behavior)

In the future..............(tell her what you expect from her and what behaviors you expect for her to exhibit. She has a choice, tell her that she can do what you ask or she.............(describe what her consequence will be if she doesn't do what you ask)

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

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M.H.

answers from Sharon on

The only advise I can give is to stop yelling. If you keep yelling it will lose it's effect and come to a point where it doesn't phase her, while wreaking havoc with your blood pressure in the process.
One of my long-time ex's (whom I never married, thank God) had - and may still have - a daughter like that. What I did with her was stay cool, even nonchalant at times, when apprehending her for her transgressions and doling out consequences. Let me tell you, she couldn't STAND it! LOL! She hated that I was in control (in more ways than one) while she was always losing it and making herself near sick from the fits she threw.
The few times that I ever did bark or yell at her, her eyes got really big and there would be this "please, don't eat me" look on her face - it didn't lose it's effect from frequent use.
The thing with kids like that is that they WANT to get to you - don't let 'em.

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P.W.

answers from Philadelphia on

M.,
As the mother of a 5-year-old son, I feel your pain. I think this is a phase. My son listens in Pre-K, but lets us have it home. Some days I am not really sure if I am the parent or if he is. It takes so much effort to get him to do anything. He loud talks us when we try to reprimand him for doing something. He repeats everything we say which is annoying. My husband chalks everything up to him being tired, because he does not sleep well. I talked with his pediatrician and she stated to work hard to praise him and thank him when he does something good. The good thing is I volunteered to help out with the 3 to 5 year olds at my church 1 night a month and all I can say is that I left there appreciating my son and realizing that he was not really that bad.

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C.W.

answers from Philadelphia on

I hear ya and I feel your pain. Not sure where im going wrong myself.. mine goes from sweet as sugar to downright infuritating.. same stuff with her brother as u. Dont know what to do, keep saying it will pass. I know she doesnt act that way out of the house so I know its all for me!!

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Y.J.

answers from Allentown on

M., you are not alone. My children are the same age. Two boys, ages 5 3/4 and 26 months old. My oldest used to be such an angle. I also feel like I spend most of my time yelling at him and trying to keep the two of them from fighting. And yes my 5 year old start majority of the fighting. He is a angle at school(the teacher is always calling him quiet).I think that he is acting this way for attention. He is fine when he is by himself but acts up as soon as the baby is around or when I ask him to do something. I think that it is their age and the fact that they are competing for attention. I have found that when I engage him in painting, arts and craft,reading,and math work, he is find. As long as he is getting my attention. He was not like this at all,just until the the baby was born. My 5 year old neice is behaving the same way. They just like to drive us mad! :) Motherhood is difficult and you should not feel bad if things aren't always going smooth. Also,try talking down at her level(eye level) and do it without yelling. They react more when we are yelling. I know it's hard but try it and stick to it.

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B.R.

answers from Reading on

i am going through that same thing and i dont what to tell ya but what u r doing by takeing things away is good the yelling is not but i do it to. i try not to but she is way mean to her baby brother too.

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L.K.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I have been there done that and felt that way. Sometimes still do. But my first suggestion is to look at you first! Now I know in my experience I noticed that was how i was acting towards her because I was so stress out, (not even realizing it)and more so with her dad (who is no longer with me). She was learning it from me!!! Now that may not be your situation, so my second suggestion is put her in time out(second thing that worked for me) As soon as she starts send her to her room until she stops. As soon as she starts again right back up. Third, DONT argue or reason with her, Dont even listen to her until she is done being punished!! Stay calm no matter how hard it is, You have to more or less train her, and you both have to remember who is the parent, because the roles get reversed without even knowing they did. It is a frustrating process but you have to stick with it. If you put all of these together I gurantee that things will began to change. It will not happen over night just stick with it. Please let me know how things go. GOOD LUCK!! Our children look up to us so much so we have to realize how much of an influence we are on them.

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S.F.

answers from Philadelphia on

Unfortunately, many children go through attitude periods at that age, and it is really frustrating. Some books that I found incredibly helpful was "How to talk to your kids so they'll listen, and listen so they'll talk", and also "Siblings without rivalry". I recommended the first one to my sister who had similar issues as you do, and it worked wonders.

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