Need Help for Teenage Son

Updated on May 15, 2013
L.M. asks from Little Elm, TX
12 answers

This is hard for me because we are so private. Our oldest son will be 17 this summer. I suspect he may need mental help. He has been counseled at school, by our youth pastors and our lead pastors for the last couple of years, but things have gotten progressively worse. We have taken him to several workshops and counseling sessions. We've had several police officers come to our home to talk with him. He makes very poor choices so we took him out of the situation (local high school). He is in TX Virtual Academy, which has also proven to be a struggle. We have loosened up with him in the last couple of years, and given him more freedom to hang out with friends and do normal teenage activities, but nothing we do is enough. He has unreasonable outbursts and reactions to simple life situations including running away, and temper tantrums. For instance, mowing the yard is a chore that he shares with our younger son. He decided he didn't want to do it one day, and ran away... again. We have four children, and he alone controls the mood of the house. All attention has to be on him at all times, or it's a problem. When he is caught in a lie, or being disciplined (i.e. you didn't do your chores so you can't leave to hang out with friends until it's done), complete melt-down. Our three youngest children are always heartbroken for us. We constantly sacrifice at their expense, and it’s not fair to any of us anymore. Hubby always felt he was just being a rebellious teen and would grow out of it because of our strong faith network and because of how we have tried to love him as parents. But things keep getting worse.

The last straw for me was I had been working in Florida, and flew him in to spend his Spring Break with me. We went to a Magic/Lakers game, spent the day at Universal, boat ride to an island. It was a blast. My youngest three were sad that we couldn't all hop on plane (expensive for a family of six) but I wanted to have some special time alone with him. Our youngest three texted him the entire trip! They were so happy for him even though they couldn't be there themselves. He is never happy for them, and even gets jealous on their birthdays. We weren't home 24 hours before he lost it again. He was caught in a lie about catching up on work for one of his classes. He wanted to leave to go to a friend’s house and we asked him to first check his grades and make sure everything was turned in because of an email we received from his teacher. This led to him destroying a laptop, cursing at me, throwing a skate board, another complete melt-down. I made him leave the house, and he has been staying with a friend ever since. He’s only a subdivision away, and when he sees his sisters, he doesn’t even speak to them or acknowledge them. It’s just heartbreaking and we don’t understand why our other children are so loving, and he seems to hate all of us. We don’t know what we did wrong… And honestly, I don’t want to come home some days after a long day at work because I never know what I’m walking into. It makes me feel awful as a mother.

My hubby now agrees that there is something else going on. We've also had him randomly drug tested so we’ve ruled that out. I've been researching therapists and psychiatrists that specialize in adolescents, but I'm not happy with the reviews. I want to have him checked for mental illness but I don't want him to simply be drugged if that's not the right thing for him. The family he is staying with wants to send him home because they thought it was a matter of “cooling off” but its much bigger than that. They say he’s sorry and “changed”. We know that's not the case because of the hateful emails and texts he sends to my hubby. No one knows we have been going through this same cycle for years. He’s always sorry afterwards until he doesn’t get his way on something. We want him to be accountable for his actions, and we’ve warned him that he cannot keep acting like this without real repercussions. We also have safety concerns, and we honestly cannot keep putting our other children through this turmoil. He has gotten physical with my husband who is dealing with MS. He clinches his fists as if he wants to hit me. We all feel a little guilty about the sense of peace we've had since he's been gone, but as his parents we want to make sure he gets help if that's what's needed. We really want him to learn to live on his own since he will be 18 next year, but with the help he needs.

Can anyone recommend a doctor, or even a treatment center that we can look into? He tells everyone that he loves and respects us, so we need someone who can see through him saying what he thinks we need to hear to get to the root of this. Any help or suggestions, please?

Thank you so much for the immediate responses. I wanted to respond to what I didn't like about the reviews on the doctors I've researched. Some were referrals from church, and from a friend's psychologist. The reviews were unfavorable from patients. Doctors not taking time to understand the problem. Medicating without taking time to listen. Being callous with parents who ask questions. Overly arrogant, poor bedside manner, etc. I haven't found a doctor with decent reviews that makes me comfortable, and these appointments won't be free. I don't want to shuffle my son around because I feel it will just add to all the discord. Our pediatrician recommended we see a psychiatrist because they could write meds if needed. Others have said see a psychotherapist first. We don't know what to do!!

Just another update based on the responses, which I thank you for! It's hard to put everything in writing because you only have so much space. This has been going on longer than my hubby being diagnosed with MS, and long before I started working out of state (that has been recent), and I commute regularly. We know we want him to be productive but we're afraid of how he will react if he doesn't like something at work, similarly to disrespect he has shown to teachers in the past. It's not about warm fuzzy feelings. It never has been, that's why we've reached out to so many people (counselors at school, principals, pastors, referrals). It is and has always been about the clock is ticking. Hubby always thought he would snap out of it, but I've always felt something else. It's caused discord between my hubby and I for some time, but we are a couple and now that we are on the same page (and have been for a few years now) we've been seeking help and prayer and intervention, etc. Now I'm reaching out to people I don't know, exposing my son on the internet in a way because I know people that know us will see this. It's always been about protecting my children. I appreciate the supportive comments. Just consider that there are details that I've left out because my post is already sooooo long. We've not let this go on without actively working for a solution. We need help and prayers, and my broad shoulders hold much more. I'm providing for my family as best I can, I just need help. I'm sorry, I don't want to send him to a doctor that will do more harm than good. II am asking you, mothers who may have been through this, on real-life recommendations, from one mother to another. We want our son to connect with whoever is treating him, but we also want the right person. It's all relative, but we want to try our best for him. Thank you for the kind words. It means a lot because I do need a little warm and fuzzy right now. I'm sure that comment wasn't meant to be hurtful, but it stung a bit since no one knows the magnitude of issues we have dealt with as a family.

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So What Happened?

I want to thank everyone for your thoughtful responses to help us! I especially want to thank my friend who read my post and immediately picked up the phone to call and pray for us, as well as the mom who messaged me privately to share some excellent advice and encouragement (I bought the book!). As a recommendation, I bought and am now reading a book called "Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy". We found a Licensed Professional Counselor that cannot medicate my son, but can provide a full assessment and diagnosis if there is mental illness present. My husband and I have been attending weekly sessions with our son. I really like the counselor, who is not only giving my son constructive alternatives, but also to my husband and me. I appreciatae his candid feedback and trust his advice. My son is also connecting with him, which was a big concern. If treatment outside of counseling is needed, we will go that route, but for now, we can get to the bottom of things without medication. At the advice of a few of you, we have allowed my son to get a job. He will start orientation next week, and he is very excited! If he makes a poor decision, he will have to deal with the natural consequences. Otherwise, we are excited for him to feel like a responsible young man. He has also agreed to the new school we want him to attend for his senior year. It is still a process and we know we will have more bumps along the way, but for the first time in longer than I can remember, we are all hopeful. I also hope that this post can help someone else along the way. Many thanks!

Featured Answers

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L.P.

answers from Dallas on

I would like to suggest Miranda Thornton, M.S. She is a licensed family counselor. ###-###-#### When my 16 year old was experiencing depression and stress at school, she made all the difference. She provides a nice starting point for teenagers where they can safely discuss what's going on. If there is a bigger problem, she will provide the teen and family with options. I also agree with letting him get a real job. Actually being expected by others to be a productive team member changes their perspective on life.

3 moms found this helpful

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

You don't like the reviews of doctors you've researched because you don't want to drug him? Whether or not he needs drugs is way down the line. A doctor will not immediately put him on drugs and he won't put him on drugs at all unless you agree to do so.

I suggest, it's imperative that you pick a doctor, make an appointment for just you and your husband to talk with him to see if you could work with him. The psychiatrist will then spend time with all of you individually and together to find a diagnosis and make a treatment plan.

Diagnosis and treatment is not a 1 or 3 appointment process. It will take time and several appointments before the psychiatrist will have an idea about what his problem involves and then it will still be limited. Having a mental illness is not like having the flu or appendicitis. Diagnosis and then treatment takes time and intense involvement.

I have mental health intervention training and experience as a law enforcement officer assigned to a specialized group. This does sound like mental illness and will continue to get worse without intervention.

The military will not accept him. They are not geared to handle mental illness or even out of control behavior. You can call a recruiter and ask about this but please be honest with them. A dishonorable discharge for angry outbursts and uncontrolled behavior is not what he needs.

After your addition: It's hard to get started and it sounds like you're at that point. I suggest that you get started by making the first decision. Don't try to look at everything at once. The most important thing to do is to get started with a psychiatrist. Just get started. Pick one, out of the phone book, if necessary and make an appointment. Try that one out with just you and your husband. If you're not satisfied with his philosphy and method of treatment then call a different one. Write out a list of questions you want to ask. You have a start with the things you didn't like about the other ones. Turn those criticisms into a list of what you do want.

Also, know that you won't really know what a doctor is like until you talk with him yourself. I don't understand what you mean by reviews. Do you know the people writing the reviews? If not, you don't know how what they say would apply to you and your situation. If a friend or pastor has recommended them, try them out to see how they fit with you.

It's important to take that first step. Yes, he needs a psychiatrist. A psychotherapist is usually a psychiatrist. Both can prescribe medications. However, you're not at the point of knowing he needs medication. You need to first have a diagnosis and a psychiatrist makes a diagnosis. Other professionals aren't as qualified to make diagnosis when the condition is a mental illness.

Take this one step at a time. Get a diagnosis. If he needs more than what the psychiatrist can provide he will include others in your son's treatment. It may be that your son will need something different thanwhat the psychiatrist does and he will recommend that too. It doesn't mean you'll have to start over with someone new.

I suggest that you're not familiar with the system and are understandably anxious. I urge you to just get started. Make an appointment. Take it one step at a time. The longer you wait, the more confused you'll be and the more difficulties you and your son will have.

Make that call this week. Make a list of the psychiatrists who have been recommended by knowledgable friends and the pastor. Put the names of ones who've provided actual treatment for your friends at the top of the list. Do not consider anyone who is not a psychiatrist. It's essential that you get an accurate diagnosis if he has a psychiatric disorder and only a psychiatrist can do that.

Or call for a referral from a medical association. Look in the yellow pages. Just choose one and go. Ask your questions. Ask for them to explain the system of mental health care to you. Gain a better understanding of not only what you're dealing with but also of whether or not this person seems reasonable and effective in their approach with you.

As the saying goes, "Just Do It." You've already delayed too long in seeking understanding and treatment for your son. Make an appointment this week and get started.

I am a real life mother who has been in similar tho perhaps less serious situations both personally and more serious issues professionally. I've been in psychotherapy with a psychiatrist for neurotic and self learning issues. I have a daughter who has been in therapy for serious mental health issues. And I was trained as a law enforcement officer to be a part of a team that addressed mental health issues in the community.

I know it's difficult to know what to do. I've experienced that feeling many times. I'm there now with my cousin's will. I've learned that when I take just the first step gradually everything falls into place. The path will not be smooth or easy. There will be bumps and detours along the way. Doing nothing does not work. Take that first step.

9 moms found this helpful

L.C.

answers from Washington DC on

You asked your pediatrician for advice. He gave it. Now follow it!
See a psychiatrist ASAP!
LBC

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P.R.

answers from Dallas on

I can tell you are a very loving mom and want the best for your son. I would get him assessed and go from there. Two options may be Dr. Pete Stavinoha for a very thorough diagnosis only and Dr. McFarland (psychologist) who can also do therapy. For psychiatrist I really recommend Dr. Corinne Fribley, she is amazing. This is an investment but the best one in the long run.
Good luck!

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S.M.

answers from Dallas on

From what you said, it sounds like your son is on the spectrum. My son sees Dr. Woods in Plano. He is the third psychiatrist we have used. We've been with him for about 2 years now. He does take insurance. He won't just put your son on a med on the 1st visit. If you are looking for something more natural, Brainworx in Plano might be an option, but they won't take insurance.

You need help now. Don't wait any longer.

4 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

Your son needs help.
He'll be 17 soon and your time is running out.
Once he's 18 you will have much less control over what you can do for him.
As an adult - he can refuse getting any help - and you can't force him without getting legal about declaring him incompetent - which only adds to the overall expense.
This situation has not come about over night - it's already been a long time in coming.
It would have been nice to start 5 years ago but that's water under the bridge now.

You want a Dr you feel good about but at the same time the more you hesitate and hold off means there's less time left to help him.
(Are you really sure your hesitation is not some sort of denial?)
How is your son going to become an adult capable of living an independent life if he's throwing tantrums, having meltdowns and destroying laptops in a pique of fit?
How will he be able to hold down a job?
If he runs away - and stays away - will you ever be sure he's not homeless wandering somewhere and living in the street?
Your other kids are WAY affected by this already.
You've let this go on way too long.

This is about helping your son - and getting him help might force you out of your comfort zone - but getting him help is more important than your comfort or having warm fuzzy feelings about his doctors/therapists/psychiatrists/counselors AND possible medications.

3 moms found this helpful
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S.B.

answers from Houston on

Follow the advise of your pediatrician. You need to get your son evaluated ASAP. Don't delay any longer. He is 17 once he is 18 he is considered an adult and you won't have much say. Good luck! You and your family are in my prayers.

2 moms found this helpful
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P.K.

answers from New York on

How about a paying job. Working at a stable? Something to make him feel like he is productive and appreciated. When my son was able to do that, he became a different person. I would start there and see how it goes. My son is lucky he made it to 15, he is now a workaholic, FDNY, installs oil burners, and has two beautiful boys. If anyone ever told me this would be the outcome, I never would have believed it. Ever since he was three he wanted to be an adult. Once he could work, he became a changed person.
Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful

J.O.

answers from Boise on

I just want to throw out there, cause others have already given really good advice, that the reviews you are reading mean next to nothing. Remember everyone's perspective is going to be different, everyone's expectations are going to be different. While I do think reviews are important, it's based off someone else's perspective, and we are all looking for something different.

It's also important that you realize that while it is important that you like the doctor, it's more important that your son does.

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B..

answers from Dallas on

I am so very sorry. I also, have a strong faith. I understand your reliance on faith and the faith community. I believe you have done all the normal things you can to nourish this poor boy and your relationship. It's time for a good psychologist for a diagnosis.

Psychiatrist will listen to their diagnosis and make a recommendation for medication if needed. They are pretty high level thinkers and not really the one that listens to the problems and develops plans to help the patient.
The negative reviews could be unrealistic expectations about their function.
You also have to remember, their patients are mentally ill. Some have drug seeking behaviors and are mad because they don't get them, hense the bad reviews. If I had someone trusted give me a name, I would try to trust them.

Their could be many things wrong but you are on the right track. At this point you still have control over getting him help. I have a mil with Borderline Personality Disorder. Nobody can get her to accept help.
Look at the symptoms on BPDfamily.com. There are good lessons on Boundaries and communication techniques, also.

May God give you wisdom.

1 mom found this helpful

J.W.

answers from St. Louis on

Interesting responses but everything you described could be caused by ADHD and parental misunderstanding of what that entails.

Imagine if everyone keeps asking you why you are doing something and you have no idea why yourself. It makes for a very frustrated and angry person.

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D.C.

answers from Houston on

Very well written! Can you send or enroll him into a military academy/boarding school. Do not allow him to destroy the whole family. Do not give him an ultimatum or any heads up. Pack for a family trip, 2 parents and him and enroll him NOW!

1 mom found this helpful
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