Need Help for 9Yr Old Girl Soon to Be Grieving

K.,
I was 10 when my ferret died, and I remember all the wonderful things that my mother did to make her passing easier on me. The night my ferret was dying my mom would go into the room with me and let me sing and pet her. When she started convulsing my mom knew it was time and took me out of the room, but she herself stayed in there until the end. (so that my ferret would not be alone, but so that I would not have to watch the actual passing). My mom let me cry and grieve without making light of my pain. She told me to write about my feelings. I still have some of the poems and stories that I wrote. Getting my feeling on paper really helped me to work through what I was feeling. Then my grandfather made a wonderful little casket and my mom helped me sew pillows for the inside. I painted the outside and wrote some messages to my Nikki and placed them inside. Then my whole family held a funeral for her. I picked a special place in the backyard and we buried her there. I think the funeral really helped me to say good-bye. The rest of the weekend my mom did really special things for me, like make my favorite foods, she played my favorite games with me, and just let me be sad for a bit. One of the things that helped me was that we had just gotten a new puppy. The night Nikki died my mom let the dog sleep in my room. It was very comforting and he was a very loving dog. He slept with me from that night until I moved away. Watch your daughter for signs and cues that she is ready for a new kitty. Having ZZ (our dog) really helped to fill the void of nikki. although it did not replace her. no matter what this is going to be tough on you and your daughter, but hopefully you can make some special memories during this time, and your bond together can grow stronger.

When my cat passed (he had to be put down) my mom had him cremated (sp?) She baught a big flower pot and we decupaged (sp?) it with pictures of fuzz ball and tissues paper. After it dried, we picked out a special plant that blooms and planted it in the pot with his ashes. I have since grown and moved away, but my mom still takes care of fuzz ball's plant and it sits right in the living room.

I just went through this same ordeal. My cat of 14 years died in April, just months after his brother (my other cat) died as well (both of kidney failure). In my case, I was the one most deeply affected. My kids, who are much younger than yours, were not nearly as affected. And I think that might be because I felt it was better for myself to grieve in private, even though I encouraged talking openly about our feelings. While it's good to express how you feel, parents should set examples of strength. Talk about what you will miss most and keep the chatter positive.. all the good qualities of the little guy. I thought it was going to be a nightmare after my little guys were gone, but knowing they had a nice long life and I got to share it makes me smile. And that's the message I impart to my kids.

Hi, K.. Grief has stages and each one must be gone through. There is disbelief (this can't be happening), anger (why!?), and then acceptence. Please understand this as your daughter will have to go though all three and may act out because she does not understand the grief process. Scrapbooking is a wonderful way to keep memories alive. The main thing is to just listen. Let your daughter talk, and don't say "I know how you feel". Her feelings are hers alone, just as yours are and will be. You may have empathy for her but you cannot feel her feelings nor can she yours. A lot of people would go out and immediately replace the pet. That is your choice to do or not to. Having something else to transfer those feelings of love and tenderness is important.
I am an animal love and adore cats. I feel they connect with us better and deeper than a lot of the other animals. So when time comes, say a little prayer with your daughter---please let the cat's transition from this life to the next be happy and easy. I hope this helps. Take care of yourself also. Sincerely, D. (I am 58 yrs old, live in MT)

Let her grieve and you should openly allow them to see you grieve. Believe it or not it is so healthy for your kids to see you go through it too. Talking to her about it ahead of time helps a lot. I had to two years ago put our dog to sleep. It was sudden she had a stroke in the middle of the night and my daughter went to let her out and she couldn't walk. It was very hard for my kids to witness and when I took her to the vet and didn't come back with her I was very upset. The kids and I all grieved together. I told her there was a special place in heaven just for pets, that God makes them well again in that place and they have lot's of friends there to play with.
Three mos later we went to the Dumb Friends league and adopted a great puppy that has been a WONDERFUL new friend for my kids., I explained to them that we gave a puppy a chance to have a home and she doesn't replace our old dog but is an new addition to our family.
It is never easy but losing a pet is reality and will help her grow as hard as that is to believe. Telling her that when you love a pet so much and they get to a point their life isn't happy it is time to let them go and want the best for them. Pets have shorter life spans and most odds with pets as they will lose them over their younger lifetimes. We have since lost goldfish and so forth and I think preparing them in advance is all you can do. Let them know it okay to be sad, to miss their pet and to remember them. Don't worry about being strong as much as just letting them know getting their feelings out, answering any questions they have and being sad is all part of what helps them heal. Each day will get better. Hang in there, and I am so truly sorry for your loss. I have three cats and a dog now and my oldest cat is 10, so I know in a few years that this all could happen again.
Bless you and your kids just hugging them and being there for them is all you can do.

I can relate.
However, everything happens for a reason and we don't always know what that reason is.
I can tell you the book that helped me the most... after my dad passed away.
The Grief Recovery Handbook - The action Program for moving beyond death, divorce, and other losses by John W. Hames and Russel Friedman.
In a nut shell it is a workbook that will take you thru the beginnings, your first meeting, the feelings, the good times, the bad times, the happy times and the sad times... the end.
You document all the way...

What you find in doing this is past grieving you never did.
So you build a timeline to see your unfinished business.
This is not a short process, but it is a necessary one to go on - to live fully and completely.
Good Luck - the journey is so worth it, give yourself the time, it is in life and loss you learn to live more fully.
Love,
Sharon

I am sorry to hear about your loss. losing a cherished pet, is very hard. We have lost several over the years, my 9 year old has always been told the truth. we are here for a while and then god needes us there so then we have to leave and be with him, but that we will see each other again soon. I know that if you sometimes replace the animal with a new one it helps relieve some of the grief. the best thing i can say is just let her be sad for a while and be there for her if she needs you, they always bounce back.

Our family has had to go through this as well, and I hope you feel no sense of apology for grieving the loss of a loved one. It's a hard, raw time. We do not have to impress our pets to earn their love, so our grief for them is just as open and honest as our relationship with them was. Someone insightful pointed out to me that it is only healthy people with loving, attached relationships who grieve after a loss. . . if your daughter was not capable of deep love, then deep grief would not be on the horizon. (Same for you.) This also means she will come out of this hard experience a little more aware and thoughtful and stronger than before. She must be secure in the love of those around her to be able to share that love with her kitty--congratulations on raising a caring child in a callous world. It's becoming quite a feat!
You might appreciate the book "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney" (I think.) It's a picture book for children. If you surf around on Amazon you'll find several good suggestions of pet loss and grief books for both adults and children. Many have been out long enough to find at the library. I, too, recommend the Rainbow Bridge poem/story you can find for free on the Internet. Some folks find it sappy, but it's been just the prescription for me.
Summertime is the height of kitten season at animal shelters everywhere, and very few cats are as lucky to have a loving family as yours has been. Even if you are not ready to welcome another kitty into your family (totally understandable), consider making a donation of money to a spay/neuter program, or more personal, some cat care items for the homeless cats who are waiting to find their forever homes to honor your cat's memory. You could get a wish list from a local shelter or rescue organization. Maybe your daughter would find comfort in helping some other cats be more comfortable while they wait to find their own little girls. ;)
Best wishes.

Hi K.,
I am so sorry for your situation. I have been there a few times with my girls as well. There is no quick fix for this. It will be hard and you just need to let it be hard. Cry with you girls, tell them you are sad too. Try to remind them, and yourself, that you are glad to have had the time that you did with your cat. Talk about the funny things your cat did or the habits that you will miss. You will all be very sad for a few days but little by little a new sense of normal, without your cat, will emerge. There is no way to MAKE that happen or to speed it up. It just evolves. The first pet that my daughters' lost was my beloved dog of 13 years. That was 6 years ago and to this day when I come across a black lab it takes my breath away. I will feel it forever, but the joy I had with him outweighs the loss.
You are just in one of those places in life that is meant to be hard, it has to be hard. You will get through it. The kids will probably get through it much easier and quicker than you will. And you will know when you are all ready for another pet. Don't rush it.
Take care,
B.

There are several books available to help children cope with grieving. The one I am thinking about in particular is titled "I Miss You." Check out the selection at Barnes and Noble. She can also get closure by designing/coloring a special blanket/box for the kitty to have upon passing etc. She can write a special message at the time to go with the kitty and after the fact she can write messages on a helium balloon to send to the kitty in heaven, etc. Good luck and be glad the first passing is of an animal rather than a grandparent etc.

Hi K.,

I suggest going to the library and checking out children's books on the subject. If you type "death and dying" into the library catalog you'll come up with a list of titles. Some are about the loss of an animal and some are about the loss of a person. Read the books aloud together, and talk during and after. This was recommended to me by our school psychologist when my grandmother died, and really helped my daughter and I with our grieving and with my daughter's understanding of death.

So sorry about your kitty... I'm a cat person as well.

Best wishes,
P.

Hi K....

Sorry to hear that your kitty is not well. What I would do is get another kitty soon. Preferably before your kit no longer is with you. Thats what I would do. We have a dog who is 11, and my son who is 17 will be in the same posistion as your daughter I am sure. Hope things will be better soon.
Heartfelt Sympathy for you both...

Blessings,
Cath

K.,

First of all, you don't need "to be strong for her" the healthest way to be with your grief is to acknowledge it along side your daughter.

You can show her it is OK to grief loss.

Have some good cries together about the situation.
This is a wonderful time to acknowledge that though it is painful to experience loss, it is wonderful to care so deeply that it hurts.

Let your daughter assist you in finding ways to celebrate the life of this dear friend and companion.

With my whole heart,
C. TLC (Transition Life Coach)
Loving Connections LLC

our kids learn from us and from our pets. when our 14 year old irish setter reached the point where i knew he'd not live much longer, i had both of my kids spend a "good bye" time with their dog. to this day (years later), both kids look back on that time with a strong sense of grace because they learned that dying is a natural process and grieving is a healthy emotion. at 9 your daughter is realizing more about death/life and so your reassuring, balanced response will help her progress as she absorbs more of these "real life" realizations.

best to you and your family!

K.,

We have funerals for our animals when they die. We write love letters thanking them for all the good things they've brought to our lives. We have the child who owns that particular pet say a prayer for comfort and to take good care of his/her animal. We talk about what the animal is doing now that they've passed--we ABSOLUTELY believe in an afterlife. We talk about them running, jumping, playing, etc... now that s/he doesn't hurt anymore and how much FUN s/he is having now.

Remember, your children will take your lead. If YOU are crushed beyond any comfort, lost and forelorn, they will be, too. If you can keep an eternal perspective and allow for the possibility that your cat is SO happy, and that you're really will be ok, then they will, too.

It doesn't have to end your world.

Some may suggest getting another cat before she dies to allow a bond to be created with you and then when your older cat dies you can turn to the new cat for comfort.

Some may suggest getting one right after she dies, but I don't like that one as much, there's an aire of "replacing" which is hard to get around.

Some may say just wait a few months before getting another pet.

Some may suggest gettting a different pet altogether.

Some may say bag the whole pet thing after this.

It'a all up to you. Search it out in your heart and mind and move upon the answer which you sense is the most positive.

It best to approach it as a "move" rather than a "death"...and to wade through it with GRATITUDE rather than simple sadness and self-preservation. KWIM???

You're little girl will do well with writing, drawing, having a funeral, and you allowing her to cry on your shoulder while you hug her and hold her tight--even a moment longer than what she asks for because that will give her an understanding that you're there for her.

I also want to caution you, many times we've found that the child we are CERTAIN will be the most devasted grieves just fine but the one we didn't think cared so much was the one most affected. Watch for that.

It can be sad when your journey together come to a close, but you WILL be ok. Just let yourself imagine what s/he is doing "now" when your mind brings him/her up.

Hugs

K.,

I am so sorry for you and your family - I know how difficult losing a pet can be. A book that I have seen highly recommended (but not actually read) is "When a Pet Dies" by Fred Rogers (Mister Rogers).

Hugs to you all.

This is life and it is ok to cry and be sad about these things! I know we don't want our kids to suffer but some things can't be avoided. Let her know it is ok to cry, and it is ok for you to cry too! She will most likely follow your lead. And feel this, don't avoid it or try to replace the cat too soon. It sounds like you are really sad yourself. Kids are resiliant and will cope. I am so sorry to hear about your kitty, she will be at peace now.

Hi K., I am contacting you because I am an animal communicator. Would you & your daughter want me to come help with this transition? I am careful about appearing to enroll you in my professional services I just saw your posting here because I, too, am a member of Mamsource.
Let me know what you think. Hugs to you et all. J.
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Have her say good bye and then put your cat to sleep. If she is sick and dying, it is not fair to make her suffer just so you have her longer. As their care givers it is our responsibility to make sure we do the right thing for our pets, not for ourselves. It is hard, and you will be sad, but she will be in a better place.

I've lost pets...my children have lost pets. Just allow her to grieve and hold her when she cries, if she wants to be held. If she wants to be alone, allow her that. Continue to live life. Don't try to fix her...don't try to change her feelings. We always have had pet funerals...with my cat, we buried a picture of her next to all the other little animals that have passed away. I always use a shoebox with pretty tissue paper to wrap the animal or picture in and then we have always put in a picture of my children. This whole process has always helped my children feel a bit of closure. My oldest daughter has a huge heart so she has even written letters to her pets to let them know how she feels about them and how much she will miss them. I've always suggested these ideas and then have just allowed them to run with the ones they like. Time heals if we are allowed our feelings when grieving. If you want to cry, cry. Let her know if you are feeling sad that it's okay to feel sad by not trying to hide your own feelings. My worst experience with losing a pet myself was when we had a house fire. I was 12. We came home from the grocery store, raised the garage door and were met with smoke that poured from the garage. My mother always kept my dog gated in our kitchen. This is where the fire started. I tried to crawl into the kitchen to try to save her but it was just too late. The last time I cried was 6 months after her death. The first time I cried I sobbed and sobbed until there was nothing left to come out. Help her go through this by allowing her that...I love all my pets and instead of begin afraid of their deaths, I've learned to enjoy their lives. Love and pain come hand in hand...it would be a sad world to never feel the pain of losing something we love because it means we never had it to enjoy to begin with. Be strong for her in the sense that you wake up in the morning, you get out of bed, you get dressed and go on with your day but not as if nothing every happened...cry with her. She will learn from you that it's okay for her to feel the way she does and that she doesn't have to pretend she feels differently and stuff it all away...and that she can still continue to live her life. I wouldn't offer her a new animal...just wait and see if she asks for one and then go from there. (((hugs))) to you all.

Hi K.,
I feel for all of you because we went through this last year with our beloved dog. There is a poem out there called, "The Rainbow Bridge." You can google it and print it out. It is about what happens to pets when they die. Someone recommended it for us and my children at the time were ages 8 and 6. We read the poem together, cried, printed it out and I had the boys draw a picture of our dog and we kept it up and then we ended up scrabooking it. I highly recommend it. Good Luck, Losing a pet is very hard.

By all means, make a memorial for your dear cat. Dying is part of the circle of life. A scrapbook, a special rock in the garden (no remains necessary), special last photos of your daughter and kitty, etc. You will always remember your pet. My son got a stuffed chocolate lab when we lost our dog. He chose it weeks after Brownie died and years later still hugs it and thinks of his first dog. It still comforts him. I will be thinking of your family. I hope you find peace with each other.

I didn't read through all your suggestions so if this is a repeat, I apologize. Being 9, she already understands so much, it might be a good idea to sit down with her and ask her how she would like to handle saying the good-byes ane to give her a journal or a scrapbook page or two to put down happy memories so that she can remember what a wonderful full life your cat had.

have a funeral for the cat, then take your girls shopping to buy a new one after a couple of weeks or when you feel it's a good time. don't draw out the greiving time more than necessary.

I know you are sad, and I am so sorry about your cat, and I have felt your pain sometimes our pets are like our children and it can be such a sad experience to lose a pet. I am hoping not to sound harsh, but could you explain to your daughter, your cat is getting old and sick...and unfortunately part of life, and you don't want to see poor kitty suffer anymore, its just God's way of taking care of things....good luck