Need Help Before I Go Crazy

Updated on July 09, 2017
T.R. asks from Seattle, WA
15 answers

I'm dating a photographer, he likes to shoot per say capture womens beauty thru the lens he said.. obviously he knows where I stand with it. I'm ok with him doing shoots with women because sometimes he gets paid for it. What I'm not ok is when it's nude. Sometimes he would tell me when he has shoots but he does it on the days usually I'm working coz depending on my work schedule I don't want him to shoot on my only day off. Anyway he would tell me when he's got shoot but doesn't tell me anymore info well except for Day and time. And when I would find out later on on his page that it's nude.this is where I get frustrated, he said that he would not cheat on me but how would I know when it's a private one one shoots? Help please..

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M.C.

answers from Chicago on

I'm not really understanding why you are still with him. If the nudes bother you to the point of going crazy, I would think you'd be better off alone. This is what he does and it does not sound like it is going to change. If you have this much trouble with it, move on now while you are just dating and not married or having a child, etc.

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T.F.

answers from Dallas on

It sounds like you do not trust him. Why would you continue to engage in a relationship when you don't trust the person you are involved with?

Do yourself a favor and just move on. Who wants to live in a relationship where you don't trust someone?

This is his job. Support him or move on.

Do you really think things will get better if you continue? You can't change him. You'll continue to have resentment build which will ultimately destroy your relationship.

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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

If you can't trust him you shouldn't be dating him. Don't keep wasting your time, or his.

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

It is his job, either you accept that this is his job and his art and learn to trust him, or you move on with your life and find someone else.

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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

You are not married so why are you trying to make this work. This is his job and if it is a deal breaker for you then move on. I'm guessing you would not feel comfortable dating a doctor either (especially a gynecologist) so perhaps steer clear of them as well. Best of luck.

6 moms found this helpful

D.B.

answers from Boston on

I guess it depends. We don't know anything about you, so I'd ask how long you've been dating, how serious it is, whether there are jealousy or insecurity issues in other areas of the relationship, and more.

Without knowing that, and without knowing exactly what this business entails, it's hard to guess. Questions I'd ask are: is this his business and does he have a legitimate "market" for these photos, such as photographic exhibits and known galleries or art shows? What do you mean he is putting these photos on "his page" - is this a FB page or his professional website? Does he have other types of photos on there? Are any of the photos "over the line" and something that could be considered pornographic? Are the women professional models or artist models who have signed releases for these photos and who know that they are going on line?

I have a friend who is an artist, and she takes legitimate classes at an accredited art school. Some of the classes are in Figure Drawing, and sometimes those models are nude. But it's no different than the many famous works of art (painting, sculpture) by Michelangelo or Rubens - it's a celebration of the human form, both male and female. Photographer Annie Leibowitz has done some photos of nude or mostly nude people, as art and with consent.

Is that what your boyfriend is doing? I'm not saying he has to be at their caliber, but is he a serious professional? Are these photos taken in studios or "neutral" locations? Or is he running ads and meeting women in their homes or his, taking photos and not paying them or getting signed releases?

If you don't trust him, and if he's not telling you the full story (not sure which one came first), then you two have a trust problem. Either go to counseling, or date someone you can trust. And if you think this photography is not totally on the up and up, end it now. If he's taken photos of you, you'd better find out what he's done with them. If you don't know, then that's a huge red flag.

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C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

I guess you either trust him or you don't. If you don't trust him you should find another boyfriend. Do you imagine you can spend your life with someone who photographs women nude as their job? Is this what he aspires to be in life? Some people might find this cool. I I personally would not like it if my husband did this for his job. But, say my husband was an amazingly successful photographer artist who did nudes...I would expect the photo taking to happen in a totally professional setting. At a studio. Another person or people there...even if just a receptionist sitting in the next room. No secrets and nothing to hide. This is also for the comfort of the customer getting her photo taken. I guess in this scenario I would think it is fine. I am a supporter of the arts! You have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you or not and then tell him. Expect that if you draw the line and say he cannot do this anymore that he will break up with you. But at that point it is probably better to move on and to find someone else. Again, you either trust him or you don't.

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M.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

It is ok to own your feelings - if you are not ok with this, then you are not ok with this. If this is how you feel, then this is not the relationship for you, and you need to move on.

I'm not going to pass judgement on whether or not what his is doing is right or wrong. In my opinion, it's irrelevant. This isn't a husband, it's a boyfriend, and the purpose of dating is to find out if you are compatible. It sounds like you are not.

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M.6.

answers from New York on

"Sometimes he gets paid for it" I think that's your answer right there. Real photographers get paid, not "sometimes" but pretty much all the time. I think the photographers that get paid to photograph nude ladies are mostly called pornography and the subjects are probably NOT paying customers. And if he is trying to build a portfolio, it isn't done with naked ladies.

I think the phrase "capture women's beauty through the lens," would have had me running for the hills on the first date. Yuck.

I'd move on. Good luck!

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

It's his job.
He's not going to change it.
If you have a problem with his job - move on.

There are photographers who do wedding pictures, kids pictures, prom pictures, landscape (mountains, oceans, rainbows, astronomical (moon, stars, Milky Way, northern lights, etc) pictures - so like it's not the photos so much as it's his chosen topic - naked women - that bugs you (does he do naked men? why not? If he's in it for the money it shouldn't make a difference to him.).

If he cared that much for you - he could quit the nudity and still not run out of people/places/things to take pictures of.
It's sort of a fish-or-cut-bait moment for you.
Don't force a relationship where you feel you have to 'change' someone - you're in for a lot of head/heart aches if you do.
Relationships are work - but you shouldn't have to bend over backwards, wiggle your ears while whistling Dixie to make it work.
Really consider just tossing him back and look for someone a bit more compatible.

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T.D.

answers from Springfield on

i know a few psycho women that would accuse him of things just to get money out of him. so if i were him i would always have a 3rd party in the room to prevent someone from accusing me of something that never happened. he should be more careful about doing nudes without an 3rd party there to confirm that nothing is happening. ( you could present this to him as a legal liability and make sure hes got another person at the shoots nude or not just to keep him safe from being sued by a crazy lady)

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N.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Sounds like you are insecure. Deal with his job or be done with him now. He deserves to be treated better.

Nude/clothing...doesn't matter. Clothes come off quit easily and sex can happen whether it's a nude photo shoot or a clothing photo shoot.

Either he's faithful or he's not. You don't think he can be faithful and do his job. So you need to be done with either your insecurities or with him.

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S.B.

answers from Houston on

why does he "sometimes" get paid and not ALL THE TIME??? if he is doing nudes, he really should have a 3rd party in there for his and their protection.

If he has not given you a reason to trust then you need to figure out what your issue is. IF he has given you a reason to not trust then THAT is the issue.

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

Don't mean to sound rude, but how old are you? You sound like an insecure teenager (no offence). If you don't trust your boyfriend, why are you with him?

I can't tell whether you're talking artistic photos or pornography. I wouldn't be a fan either (if this was my guy's profession) but then you have choices. You don't have to be with this guy.

Not sure what you need help with. If you feel you're going crazy slowly in a relationship, pretty good sign it's not the one/the guy for you.

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N.K.

answers from Miami on

It's hard to say what your boyfriend specifically may be like. There are professional photographers who are professional and serious in their job, meaning, they don't fondle or hit on their subjects at all, and then there are the sleazy ones who are seeing this as an opportunity to get laid. I cannot tell which one is your boyfriend because I don't know him. You cannot generalize or stereotype because we are all different people. Athletes are known for sleeping around but there are some, like David Beckham, who have solid relationships with their spouses for many years, and no cheating scandals, so not everyone fits the same pattern. Then you have quiet types who look like nerds and they have mistresses up the wazoo.

If you're uncomfortable with the situation, or feel like he's purposely doing his work during days and times that you're not around, why don't you discuss this with him? Tell him it makes you uncomfortable and tell him that you feel insecure about it. Perhaps he feels uncomfortable with you around, or the models felt uncomfortable and said something. I am a hobby photographer and personally, I cannot stand people watching me or standing around while I am taking pictures, because I feel rushed and nervous, and because my specialty is wildlife photography, having someone standing around and making a sudden movement can ruin my opportunity. Perhaps the same thing applies to him. Rolling your eyes at a woman's sexy posing might ruin the moment, the look in her eyes, or she may feel she needs to cover up because you're throwing daggers in her direction.

At the same time, if he was a nude photographer when you met him, you knew what you were getting into when you started dating him. If you're a jealous woman, you should not have initiated a relationship with a man who is around a lot of women, naked women, specifically. If he is not telling you that he is doing nudes or claims they aren't nudes but then you find out on his page that they are, there is some deception going on, and that is a big reason to feel a lack of trust. If you're already starting off with a lack of trust in your relationship, I'm afraid to tell you it's only going to get worse and you should just break it off.

For what it's worth, a male acquaintance of mine is a nude portrait photographer. He paints at all crazy hours of the night in a historic home that is used as a gallery (he and his business partners are also owners of several galleries here in my city). He has a girlfriend, but he tells me she struggles with trust and they constantly break up and make up, so you're not the only one. He has begged me to pose for him and he is very charming and flirtatious. He was always sending me messages telling me I was beautiful and how much of an honor it'd be to paint me. Personally, I would not care to have my boyfriend acting this way towards other women, even if he's just using that as his "marketing scheme" to make them fall for his charm and accept being painted. He would charge people who would ask him to commission a painting, but if he chose to paint someone of his own volition, he'd do it for free. I never asked what he'd do with the proceeds should his painting sell, considering the model should probably receive some sort of compensation.

Considering my only experience with someone who deals with nudes, I'd probably be unhappy dating someone who does this for a living, and that is okay. You and I are both entitled to our feelings, there is no "wrong" or "right" here, you feel what you feel. The sea is full of fishes and while he may not be the right guy for you, he may be the right guy for someone else who is sexually open (a woman who is into threesomes or swinging), or a woman who feels all men cheat and is open to him fooling around as long as he keeps supporting her and comes home to her and to pitch in with the kids. Yes, there are plenty of women out there who feel cheating is a part of life, part of a man's biology, and turn a blind eye to it. Again, there is no wrong or right here, you either agree with that lifestyle or you don't. Best of luck.

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