Need Empathy and a Glimmer of Hope Regarding SLEEP

Hi
My son was 5 before he slept through the night, he woke two and three times every night, he was just that kind of kid that liked to feel my skin next to his when he slept. This was fine when he was a tiny baby, but when he was a 50 lb five year old it was no longer funny. I honestly wished I had never co slept with him, it ruined (for me) his sleeping patterns, and set up a scenario where he couldnt sleep without me, and I couldn't sleep with him, because he was a fidget pants.
Eventually I put a bed next to mine, and that worked just fine for everyone. However at 8 he still likes to fall asleep next to me, which is cute.
My daughter I swore I would not co sleep. So I didn't. She slept through at 7 months, and sleeps wonderfully ever since, and never comes into my bed.

You are SOOOOO not alone!!!! I never let me son cry it out. It was hard. I had a lot of days at work where I felt like I'd do anything to get some sleep. My son started sleeping through the night around 2- 2 1/2. You might have to hang in there a while longer but it will definitely get much better!

Oh it's nice to hear somebody else in a similar situation! I too feel like all of my friends/acquaintances either did CIO or had babies that magically have slept through the night. Additionally, my pediatrician acted shocked at our 9 mo appointment that my daughter was still breastfeeding during the night, and told me to "cut her off, cold turkey, even if she screams all night." Not helpful. My daughter is 9 1/2 months and no, she is not even close to sleeping through the night. I, like you, feel that her emotional health and security are more important to me than "making" her sleep through the night. But, it's still HARD to feel sleep deprived all the time, and to have people around you who can't relate. My daughter gets up 1-3 times a night to breastfeed, and it feels like there is no consistency. Some nights she just gets up once and eats quickly (which is a really lovely night!) but other nights, like last night, she was up twice to eat, and one of the times was up for about 90 minutes wanting to snuggle and socialize :). When it gets grim I just keep telling myself that I'm going to blink and she'll be walking across the stage at her high school graduation and I'm going to be wondering if I soaked up every precious minute of those baby years! Best wishes...I'll be sending you positive thoughts at about 3am tonight when we're up nursing!

I keep a diary for my now 9-month son. It serves as a book of memories for him of a time that he likely will never recall. I record a lot of happy, joyous stories but it also serves as a ranting platform. I find that it helps as it seems everyone else's baby has slept through the night at 2 weeks. I have also vowed that on his eighteenth birthday, I will hide and set 5 alarms that ring at 2 hour intervals in his room. Perhaps for several days ...

For the first 6 months, it seemed like he would wake every time my head hit the pillow. I felt like a zombie for so long! The first time my in-laws took the baby for a sleepover, I woke up at intervals during the night and in the morning, I had no idea where I was! It was such a strange feeling. Right now, he sleeps at least for 5 hours straight. I am feeling pretty lucky. Good luck ... there is definitely light at the end of tunnel.

Yes, I can completely relate to your distress. You are not alone, and you are not a failure. You just have an unusually alert, and perhaps touch/contact needy, child.

My poor daughter gave birth to a completely awesome little boy who didn't really sleep through the night until he was 2.5. I'm sure he would have slept better if he could, but he simply couldn't. My daughter tried everything, read every book, even experimented with CIO, but nothing made a difference. She went through stages of complete desperation and despair, and I would offer to spend nights sometimes to give her a break and a good night's sleep.

I've known of several other kids who finally slept somewhere between 14 months and 2-plus years. It's an incredibly trying time in your life. It will get better. Try to treasure everything you can (hard when you're exhausted, I know) because those are the things you will remember a few years from now.

My son was 1 year when he consistently slept through the night. He Co slept until 2 so it is possible to Co sleep and sleep through the night. I loved Elizabeth pantleys book the no cry sleep solution. I feel the same way about parenting as you but I also treasure my sleep. Maybe you could use some of the techniques from her book to help extend her sleep a little. She offers great solutions for Co sleeping parents. Pm me if you want me to walk you through what we did to get a full nights rest.

I am also an attachment supporter but waking up every 2 hours is not healthy for you or your baby. You don't have to do any form of CIO. My son was such an unhappy newborn. He would only sleep if held or sitting up in the carseat. At around 3 months it was dangerous to keep him in the carseat as he was climbing out. We had him next to us in the co-sleeper and it wasn't working out. Still waking up every 2 hours. He also hated the crib. I was so miserable with lack of sleep. Around the same time he started really bonding with a stuffed bear attached to a blanket and he really liked the Ocean Wonders Aquarium. One day I put him in the crib while he was fussing and I was like, "let him fuss, I'm hungry". After 5 minutes, he was asleep!! Fussing is ok! You need to get her out of your room because while she is there she will sense you and wake up wanting to nurse. Nurse her to sleep (I did and it an easy habit to break at 2 1/2) make sure she has a nightlight, a lovie, and some kind of music/light she can turn on herself. If she cries for you at night let her fuss but if she cries for more than a minute, go in there and nurse her, rock her, whatever you like. You may need to do this a few times a night but she will realize that her room and crib are nice happy places and she will soon trust that although you will always come for her, sometimes it's not worth it and she will go back to sleep. My son is a great sleeper and one minute of crying was not traumatizing for either of us.

I co slept with my daughter - she started sleeping longer stretches at about 14 months - but would still wake to nurse once or twice a night without actually waking up up. At the 2.5 y/o stage when she was getting night terrors and starting the bed hogging... I would have her lay her head in the crook of my elbow and shoulder helped with BOTH issues.

She'll be 6 in Sept and she's transitioning out of our bed because #2 is coming in a week or two. She's told me she'll miss sleeping next to me, but I'm glad she had the opportunity to be with us as long as she did.

(HUGS)

My husband and I are also firm believers in not using the CIO-method. Our daughter didn't sleep through the night until we weaned at 14 mos. I worked full time and my daughter started to reverse nurse when she was about 4 mos. It was a really rough year and I'm not entirely sure how we survived--but we did.

Fast forward.... my daughter is 3 and she is a fantastic sleeper. 7:45 p.m. - 7 a.m. We haven't had problems with her going to bed by herself and she's been a great sleeper for the past 1.5 years.

There is light at the end of the tunnel!!! Our pedi would always say, "I never have the parent of a 15 year-old come in and say, 'I wish my child would sleep through the night.' This is temporary and before you know it, you'll wonder if they'll ever get out of bed!"

Lavender oil. Apply some about a half an hour before bed time and it will help relax your baby much better than the stupid Johnsons stuff.
My 20 month old still wakes up about 3 times a night. He used to be an amazing sleeper, than he got sick all the time, so that is when we sarted co-sleeping. He actually sleeps in his bed till 10 when he wakes up, then it's our time to cuddle and sleep.
He randomly will wake up and I'm still not sure why. It's not night terrors, pain, or sickness. He just does. I know he'll grow out of it since it's a habit. It does take quite awhile for habits to be broken.
I feel your pain. No fear. Just last night my son fell asleep then woke up again at 8, then didn't get to sleep till 11:30. Oh how I feel your pain. Things will get better. I know they will.

Are you breast feeding and need her with you at night?
Can you pump some milk for a night time bottle?
You might want to try tag team sleeping for awhile.
You and baby co sleep while Dad sleeps in a spare room then
next night he and baby co sleeps while you sleep in a spare room.
That way, once every 48 hours one of you gets enough sleep.

My first three I co-slept (baby in bed with me, snuggled in my arms). First baby was an awful sleeper. Sometimes she would wake every 30 minutes through out the night. It's torture to not get enough sleep! She did start sleeping a bit longer as she got older, but she still woke up every 2-3 hours until she was THREE YEARS OLD. Then she seemed to adjust and sleep better. She was on thyroid meds, so I think that might have affected her ability to sleep.

Baby #2: He always slept pretty good. He'd go 3-4 hours straight. It was awesome. He didn't start sleeping through the night until his molars came through. Actually, he's four years old, and he's just now starting to really sleep through the night. Prior to this, we'd put him down in his room (when he got older, we put him in his room in his bed, along with his sisters). In the middle of the night, he always came in and slept on a little bed on the floor in our room (no room in the bed with us!). My oldest did this too. They each had spots on the floor. I realize that might sound crazy, but it's worked for us! We don't mind them in our room, and for us it works just fine to have them there if they are scared. Just in the past few weeks we put their little beds away (in our room) and now they stay in their room all night. They do great.

Baby #3: She also co-slept. She slept similar to her brother, only she would sometimes go stretches of 8-12 hours of sleeping (this was when she was a newborn. She didn't do this older.). She goes to bed in her bed and comes in our room at night. Other than that, she sleeps pretty solidly. She quit waking up around age 2.5 yrs (she'll be 3 in a couple weeks). It was when her molars finally cut through that she slept much better.

All three of these went through phases of sleeping much worse during the night, depending on what type of mental growth they were having. Often the baby sleeping spells started at around 7 months. Sometimes they would wake up for a few hours, SUPER happy, and SUPER awake. Looking back, I realized I let them nap too long during the day, not giving them enough need for sleep at night.

Baby #4: I tried to co-sleep with her. It was so bizarre! As a newborn it worked great. Then when she got older, close to 4-6 month-ish, she would fall asleep in my arms and wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. She would never settle. It kept me awake almost constantly. So, I decided to lay her in the co-sleeper next to our bed, and she settled and slept great. I was a little surprised. I kept trying to co-sleep with her in my arms, but she kept wiggling and never really settled. It was keeping me awake. So, I put her in her co-sleeper again. She'd settle and sleep great. It became really obvious, really quickly, that she slept much better in her own space. I didn't know babies did that! I ended up getting prego when she was six months, and I needed sleep. My baby would wake up when hubby got up in the morning, so I moved her into another room. Now at 12 months, she sleeps solidly through the night. I have NEVER had a baby do that. She seriously sleeps almost better than all of my other children, excluding my 8 yr old...or maybe even better than her! It's a blessing since I'm prego and NEED more sleep than usual (and the others still regularly wake me up randomly).

So, each baby is different. I did notice a similarity that once they finished teething (mine finished cutting their 2 yr molars around age 2.5-3 yrs), they slept better. They still woke up, but if they were in the room with us, they were fine and went back to sleep - taking no effort from us.

I am loving that my 4th baby is sleeping through the night (though I'm sure she won't tonight since I am writing this!). I do miss cuddling her at night, though. But each baby is different! She's a very cuddly baby overall, so I get my snuggles during the day:-)

It WILL pass one day!

My son is 7 mos and we are TOTALLY going through the same thing right now. Some of his waking, though, has been from ear infections and low iron levels...I keep hearing that I will one day (night) sleep longer than 2 hours at a time. Good luck and hang in there! :o)

I believe that there are many different parenting styles that work. note that i'm not downing co sleeping.

My 1st daughter slept in her crib in our room for the 1st year. She woke up atleast once a night until we moved her to her own room. Wonderful.

my 2nd baby we put her in her own room after she was 3 months and within a very short time frame she was sleeping through the night.

I think that my 1st daughter would hear us roll over or getting up at night and it would wake your up. For us the best thing was to get her to her own room. That is when they slept the best for us.

good luck.

I think co sleeping is a great idea if it works for your family. We did it after my second was born out of necessity. We had no other room for her to go in b/c I didn't want her waking up my oldest. I will say after we moved her into her own room, she slept through the night. She would hear us roll over or cough or whatever & instantly wake up. She is still a light sleeper but does a great job sleeping through the night and has since we moved her. Its hard the first time you move them into their own room so don't do it until you are ready. I remember feeling so bad for my oldest when he was in his own room but he didn't even notice. It was easier with my second but still hard to do. Good luck catching some zzzz's!

I did it for fourteen months. I will never forget it!!! LOL. This kid drank
32 oz. between 10PM and 7AM. Yup you read that right. At a year he was
21 lbs. and 33 in. He still has a huge appetite and is 6'5" and lean. NYC FF.
To this day he does not require a lot of sleep. Some kids are just not
wired to sleep. Good luck.

I desperately wanted to cosleep with my first, (not bed share, but co-sleep so in the same room, right next to my bed, but not in it) but after weeks and weeks and weeks that turned into months and months no one was getting any sleep. We moved her into her own room and she slept 8pm-7am. I got even less sleep that night because I was checking on her every 20 minutes or so, my child did not sleep like this. For her she just couldn't sleep with us. Then at about 21 months she started having nightmares and we bed shared for a few months. After baby sister was born my 25 month old told us she was ready to sleep in her own room again. For the last three months she has pretty much slept in her room every night, all through the night. There are occasions, where we bring her in with us, and she has had a couple of nightmares that have woke her in the middle of the night, so she comes in with us for a little while.

Now with my second she is just the most perfect baby there is, so cosleeping (again not bedsharing. For my family bedsharing with an infant is not something we want to do. It doesn't work for us) is what works best for everyone. She sleeps at 8, I feed her when I go to bed (10 or 11) and then she sleeps until 6 or 7, I pull her in bed with me nurse her and then move her back into her co sleeper thing.

Your child will eventually sleep. You just have to find out what works for you guys. There is light at the end of the tunnel I PROMISE!!

I liked the idea of tag team sleep. Not sure if you want to spend all that time away from hubby, but to sleep is better than not sleeping. Good luck Mama, you will get through this.

I didn't have any 'method' i followed, but my son had such bad colic through the first year of his life that I never felt like I could leave him to cry because I never knew if it was pain vs. just wanting me. Besides the percentage of their life that they let us hold them close is so short, why hurry up their independence? I never slept with him the whole night but I stayed with him until he fell asleep - still do at 5 yrs old, although now it takes about 15 minutes and it's my favorite part of the day because I get to sit down and relax for a bit.

I do remember breaking down and bawling around 9 - 10 months feeling betrayed by all the mothers who didn't tell me just how bad it was going to be. After all, disrupted sleep is a recognized form of torture

I don't know how i got through that first year. I wanted someone to volunteer to stay with him all night so I could get at least one night of solid rest. There were times during that first year that I clung to that as my only hope of sanity and survival .. even though it never happened because of course we moms can't sleep through a whisper let alone a cry like our husbands can so my husband's generous offer to 'let him take care of the baby that night' was never realistic. and I didn't trust anyone to watch him without me in the house, so .. no win situation.

Sorry, but for me that solid night of sleep didn't come until he was 2 plus.but it was at least 4 - 5 hour blocks after the first year and that was like paradise.

My advice that I never took - leave her with someone and sleep for a night yourself to keep from going insane - just one night out of every month would be a life saver for you.

Well, I did not do co-sleeping or attachment parenting exactly.

But I did nurse all three of them on demand, including overnight. My husband worked, I did not. As long as they would fit, I kept them in the basinette next to where I was sleeping. I did let them fuss, but I did not let them cry. I grabbed the kid, put him/her to breast, nursed them back to sleep.

All three have very different sleeping habits, in spite of my doing it the same with all three.

The oldest was, and still is, a Non-Sleeper. He is almost 19 now, a sophomore at college, and still just does not seem to need that much sleep.

The other two were different. Slept longer at a younger age. My youngest, I rocked her to sleep when nursing was over in a rocking chair in her room, until she said (maybe 2 yrs old), 'I'm too big for that, Mom'. Sigh.

I should say, I have never been a good sleeper myself, so the loss of sleep baby years did not effect me as much as some. Plus, I was home, and I napped with them sometimes.

Since my youngest is 14, I have the benefit of understanding how truly short those first few years are, and I feel glad I kept them comforted, since before you know it, it's all over.

So, yeah, you are not alone. Keep her close, I would WAY rather be staying up half the night with a baby than negotiating with admissions counselors.

:)

I woke up and breastfed my son at least 4 times a night for the first year. I stopped breastfeeding at 12 months, which seemed to play a role in cutting back night time wakenings. He still woke up once or twice a night until he was about 20 months. Since then, he goes down around 8:45 and sleeps until 7:15, sometimes even 8am. That is in addition to a 3 hour nap in the afternoon. I leave a sippy cup of water with 6 little crackers in the corner of his crib so he can eat them early in the morning if he wants them.

I tried lots of different sleep ideas but in the end, my heart wasn't fully behind breaking his bad sleep habits so I stuck it out. At times, I'm a bit embarrassed I got up so many times for my son but in my heart I'm content with my decisions. Go with your instinct. Do the parenting that you believe in.

Good luck! K., mama to a 2yr 4.5mo boy who is an excellent sleeper now. I've paid my dues!

Oh my!! I can totaly relate to every word your saying. My Baby girl is 18 months now, we've had that problem. She is just perfect during the day and whn night falls the terror begin. The sad thing is I grew so used to not sleeping properly, me and my husband constantly lashing out at each other and that all due to lack of sleep. Most people tell s me she will grow out of it, but .........will it ever happen???

I have a 4.5 yr old who was also a terrible sleeper and all those "helpful" tips never worked for her. (when we did try and let her cry it out, she would have a major poop, thus forcing us to go into room and change her.) I read Nutureshock and they were the first I read to admit that some kids cannot cry it out, they get too stressed and some will even throwup. (or poop in my case!). Even once my daughter finally started sleeping longer hours (2-3 yr) she rarely slept more than 10 hours(total per day). Now that she is four and not napping, she can sleep 11-12. BUT she still wakes up during that time and insists on waking me up, too, even if she falls right back to sleep. So, I too wonder when/if it will ever end. lol . We still stay in her room until she goes to sleep, usually a minute after we read the final story. She has always had a silky blanket which she still uses to comfort herself at night time. She had a pacifier till she was 3.5 (at home and at night). I don't beleive in stressing babies out so if your daughter can't handle something, don't force it. I see some of my friends who have been really strict/demanding with their young kids and those kids bite their nails and one girl has ground her teeth down to a nub. They will outgrow every weird and difficult phase! It may just not be as fast as their other friends. I am lucky I bonded with a mom whose daughter is a week older and also VERY spirited. That has helped the most. Also, you can read Raising Your Spirited Child. That book made me feel better, too. Good luck!

Hi, I know how you feel. We practiced attachment parenting with our oldest daughter. We coslept, and she used to wake up to 10 times/night. We both work full time, so it was a total torture. It became a little easier when she turned 2, after her 2 yr mollars came in. It went down to 4x/night and she learned to fall asleep in her own bed. We would put her to sleep in her own bed in our room and i would sit with her until she'd fall asleep. Then when she'd wake up for the first time a night she would climb into our bed and sleep the rest of the night there. Then when she was about 2 yrs 3 months, i got pregnant with #2. One of my first pregnancy symptoms was horrible insomnia. After averaging 3 hrs/night for 2 weeks i moved to a guest bedroom. The first couple of nights i would still come once/twice to breastfeed her. But then my husband learned to comfort her with just a few sips of water. As my pregnancy went on she slowly weaned herself at 2.5yrs old. Also her stretches of sleep became longer and longer. Now she's 3. She pretty much sleeps in her own bed in our room 10:30 - 6am. Then when she wakes up at 6am she climbs into our bed and continues sleeping with daddy until morning. I am still sleeping in the guest bedroom with a new baby, since now he wakes up 3-4x/night and i don't want to wake the rest of the family up when i am taking care of him. Just as you, i don't believe in sleep training. However i have to admit moving me out of the same bed with her has really improved her sleep. Of course that happened after 2 when she was only nursing for emotional reasons and not nutrition. I've always planned to have a family bed for both kids. But for right now sleeping in different rooms works better for us, since DD has to get up at 7 and go to her DC. Anyhow, hope you find our experience helpful. I can just add that moving her into toddler bed..and night weaning was totally painless for us...she didn't cry for a second...May be at 2 she was just ready for this.

-J.

I am so glad that you posted this! My son is 11 months and he still wakes up up 2 to 5 times a night. We cosleep and I nurse him back to sleep. For the first part of the night he usually sleeps 2-3 hr stretches then maybe around 3 or 4 he wAkes up a little more frequently. But really every night is different. I swear I get so puzzled when I hear other moms talk about their 4 month old or 2 month old sleeping through the night. I love cosleeping with him and love to listen to his breathing when he is sleeping next to me. He is already growingup sofast that I try to cherish this time with him even if I am sleep deprived. I never thought I could get used to the lack of sleep but I am actually functioning ok. There are some days and nights that are really bad. But I keep reminding myself that I am his mom andhe needs me and depends on me and I look at his darling face and I can't get mad at him. I think he is just not a very good sleeper. I am hoping that if he still does not sleep through the night when he is around 2 years I can explain to him and hopefully he will understand. I do not have the heart to do CIO and am also following Dr sears attachment parenting. I wish you the best of luck and hope you can get some sleep! Hang in there! You are definitely not alone!

You are not alone. :) I have a 2 year old and an 8 month old. I don't even remember what a full night of sleep is. :)
We have done some sort of co-sleeping with both of them.
I would nurse my daughter to sleep, lay her down in her crib, she would wake up a couple hours later and I would bring her into our bed and she would sleep there the rest of the night. (I found out I was preggo with #2, when she was 9 months and didn't want two kids in bed with us) So, I started to lay her back down in her crib after her 1st waking, gradually she would sleep longer between waking and around 15 months she finally slept through the night.
When she was 15 months old, i was 7 months preggos and getting up to pee every couple hours, so I didn't get to fully enjoy the full night of sleep.... then my son was born..... :) gotta love it! :)
Anyway, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone... and that there are many ways to co-sleep!

My girl was up every 2 hours for about 22 months, then up every 3 hours for 5 months, then up every 6 for the next 3 months . . Now at 3 1/2 she sleeps thru the night . . . . :)