Need Book on Coping with the Loss of a Parent

Updated on September 15, 2008
V. asks from Saint Charles, MO
4 answers

Where do I begin. My dad passed away July 28, 2008. We have not had a good relationship for a long time. My dad was an alcolholic for as long as I can remember. My mom was married to him for 23 years before the finally divorced. As soon as they were divorced my dad remarried and had stopped drinking. He however, did not like the man I was in a relationship. We stopped talking, and didn't see each other for many years. I got remarried to a wonderful man and my dad and his wife divorced (after 10 years)----he started drinking again. He called me December of 2004 and we started talking again. I told him I would continue to as long as he was sober. We spoke on the phone several times, but never had the chance to get together because he started drinking heavily. During the time we started talking I had my son in January of 2006, I sent my dad pictures and he really never asked to much about him when he would call....it was always about what "he" was doing. After, numerous cards/pictures with no response from him I finally decided I had enough and was not going to put my self through this anymore. I had a daughter in July 2007 and he really didn't know about her either. I received a phone call the 1st part of July from a relative letting me know my dad was in the hospital and not doing very well. At first I acted like I didn't care, but as time went on I knew I needed to go see him and try to make things right at least for my piece of mind. My husband and I went to Kansas City to see him one weeked (I hadn't seen my father for about 15 years). I knew it would be hard but I also knew he had been in the hospital for over a month and he would be sober. When I got there, he was in such bad shape. The nurses were asking me what I wanted done if he would code....I was so overwhelmed I just didn't know what to do. I'm an only child and my dad had no one else. I stayed the weeked and he did know who I was, but he really couldn't talk. He did want to see pictures of the kids and I brought plenty to show him. I called on Monday to see how he was doing and the nurse said he probably wouldn't make it through the day and I needing to start thinking about making arrangements on what to do when he passed. I called back 15 minutes later and he died while I was on the phone with the case coordinator. My dad was only 56 years old-his liver was gone, his kidneys were failing, he was septic, and there are too many other things to mention. Most of this was due to drinking, smoking, being a diabetic and just not taking care of himself. I'm so overwhelmed dealing with his estate/probate issue. I have some good days and some bad. I just feel so bad he died alone and I wasn't there. I wish we could of had the father/daughter relationship everyone dreams of. He just couldn't kick the alcohol. I cry when I think about all he has missed out on and how he won't see his grandchildren grow up. I'm sorry for rambling on, but I'm just to the point I need some friendly advice. I told my husband I couldn't even remember if I told him I loved him when I went to the hospital (my husband says I did) I just sit and wonder if he was scared, did he know people loved him. If anyone knows of any books or has any advise I would really appreciate it. I keep thinking it will get better, but so far it hasn't. The more I think about it, the more upset I get. I just wish there was something else I could have done.

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M.N.

answers from St. Louis on

Hi V.,
I am really sorry about your loss. I empathize with your pain.
I lost my baby sister Jan. 2007 and I am still hurting.
I do not have a book for you to read. I just wanted to send you a verbal Hug. I would also recommend a book on growing up as a child/adult of an alcoholic, usually these can be ordered through alanon and found on Amazon.
One thing that I would like to suggest is: please try not to do the "should-of", "could-of", and "would-of's". Those statements do not help you in your daily effort to comfort and feel better, but rather bring you down. Remember that your Dad is free from the diseases and burdens that bound him.
You did great in living your life as you should have. Meeting a man, that you love, and who loves you and having children. You will continue to grow and learn and live for your family. That does not mean that you won't go through all five stages of grief. It is normal and it is healthy to know that there is not a time limit on each stage.
I know you have much sadness with the memories of you and your Dad, but if you can find just one happy memory; even if it was just a recent talk about your children then that is what you hold onto.
I could keep going, but I wanted to keep it brief.
Do know that I am here and if you want more Hugs. Please tag me and know that I am here. I have more to share, but would rather do so privately.
With Hugs and prayer, M. L.

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M.L.

answers from St. Louis on

First I am sorry for your lose and I want you to know things happen in our life that we will carry with us, how we deal with them is the test. Your dad made some choices that effected your relationship things you cannot change. You have to accept that and not take the blame for that, your compassion for his last days is admirable and God would indeed be proud. If you belong to a church I would suggest you seek some counseling from them. You see this is why God does not want family to drift apart no matter what love is and should be unconditional because if it weren't how could he forgive us for all the foolish things we do. First forgiving him in prayer is a start and then you must forgive yourself. I will pray you find peace in all these storms.

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G.N.

answers from St. Louis on

Sorry to hear about your dad passing. From what I read you did all you could do. Whenever someone becomes addicted to whatever it is, its them that do it to themselves, it wasnt you or anyone else. I totally believe your life is what you make it. It seemed like he had a couple of oppurtunities to make things right. It was between you and your dad not with the guy you were with (seemed it was an excuse) at the time or the guy you married.

I did some research and found the following: Hope it helps.

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Death-of-a-Parent/Delle-...

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V.G.

answers from St. Louis on

V., I suggest you get into augh thin Alcoholics' Support Group. Also, time will help. Alcoholism is self-hatred. It requires so much self work. Forgive yourself for feeling_____. Forgive your father for making you feel ________. Learn the lessons from these feelings so you can get on with your wonderful life.

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