Need Advise on Discipline - Shawnee,KS

I had some similar struggles with my two year old daughter with testing. Heck.... we've all had it. :)

I turned to the internet and read up on reviews for discpline books. I was turned to 1,2,3 Magic. It is at the Olathe Library...they actually have like 5 copies of it. It has been a great tool for my family. It is easy for a toddler to understand what you want and to know you are serious when you use 1,2,3 Magic. Before, a child didn't know if the 2nd time you asked something was the 'last' time or if the 10th time was the last time. Also, we do the time out on the stair, but more so we just tell her 1,2,3, Take 2 and put her in her room. It is the distraction that lets them know you mean business and it doesn't have to be a negative thing. For most circumstances this works, those manners which are more serious usually end up on the stair for time out. Either way... she knows 1,2,3 consequence.

It is an easy book to read. I commend you on seeking help. Don't worry... you'll get through it! We all do!

Hi there!

I could have written your request! My son is 5 - and very "spirited."

Here are some things we have learned:
1) Getting angry, insistent or dramatic on our part does not work. We had to set forth pre-set consequences and apply them matter of factly and not in a punitive way. "Jackson, why don't you spend some time alone in your room while you compose yourself." In other words, we stopped the big yelling match - "go to your room" because it only seemed to escalate the drama. Then you would re-approach it, "let me know when you are ready to put your toys away."

3) He responds ONLY to positive reinforcement. We really try to hone in on what he's doing well, even if it was really minor. "Good job on putting your dish away. I'm very proud of what a big boy you're being." We also did a sticker chart and rewarded him after 50 good days. We posted it on the frig as a visible reminder of what a good kid he is. I think that inspired him to be even better.

I would recommend you get some of the Love and Logic books/tapes. I actually have one I can mail to you, if you want to send your address to me in a private email (____@____.com). This series is really wonderful at getting kids to take responsibility for their own actions in a positive way.

Hope this helps. I know how frustrating it can be. And remember, too, they will never act perfectly. But it can get better.

Hi J.,
I'm L.. I am a licensed therapist and have worked with kids and families for several years.
One thing to remember is to be consistent in your actions.
Example: If you want your son to pick up his toys , you might try to reframe this request such as : John, I need you to help mommy pick up these toys so we can do other things. begin to hand him toys and ask that he put them away. This models cooperation and also teaches the child how you want the task done. But, don't do it for him! If he refuses to be cooperative then,as you've done, put him in time out and leave the room. Explain to him that until he can do as he's asked, he will continue to go into time out. After 4 min. give him a hug, and explain...I need to you to help pick up your toys. Repeat this over and over until he has done what he was asked.
Be very consistent, don't become upset, don't tell him you'll add minutes etc. Each four min. is a new cycle, of time out, hug, and repeat asking to help put away toys.
Your time out spot should be one place, a chair, etc. away from others, and you leave the room. Let him holler and cry, he'll be okay. Undesirable behaviors tend to increase before they are extinct, so he may yell loudly the first few times. But , you don't yell, you remain calm and remember this will take a few times before he understands this is really what you want and you will continue to repeat the process and not give in. ....L.

I am a mother of 4 and my youngest are now 15, but my oldest son was extremely strong minded and sounds like your son. In the grand scheme of things this too will pass...But I suggest you give him very, very small instructions. And then reward him with your praise. For instance: at night you say you ask him to pick up his toys. Well, believe it or not that is overwhelming for little ones. But, if you say "I'm going to pick up all the blocks and can you pick up the red truck and we'll see who gets done faster." Then when he picks up the truck say "Boy, you do such a great job at cleaning. Thanks." Then you might say "Since you put away that red truck, maybe you can find a train to put away!" Good job, you say. So, in spite of it all, he is helping and feeling good about what he accomplished. As far as being disiciplined, no child likes that. But really pick what is important and forget about the rest! For instance: if he hits someone...You very firmly say with a strong voice "We do not hit. Hitting hurts people>" Then if he does it the next time "We do not hit, hitting hurts people. You sit here for 1 minute." And, by the way, Time out never seemed to work for me because my children would'nt sit there! Good luck.

I recently read Don't Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman. It is a great book. Good luck, I tried staying home and I am a happier mom with my part time job.
B.

It is just a stage and it will eventually get better. The most important thing is CONSISTENCY. He needs to understand that his actions will cause a reaction and those reactions need to be the same each and every time. I have 2 children myself that don't necessarily appreciate negativity/discipline, but we continue to work on it and continue to make great strides. They are becoming very aware that tantrums etc. will not be tolerated and will land them in a time out. Most people we know can not believe how well-behaved our children are and we always say that it's due to a consistent approach, boundaries and a well-balanced life. A lot of times kids act out because of other issues that one would think have nothing to do with the situation. (i.e. diet, exercise and routine are crucial to developmental success.) I hope this helps!

Hi J., My name is C. P., 56 yrs. old with 2 Kids, one is 20 and 36!! Yes, my son was 16 when she was born. I have been an RN for 35 yrs working mostly with disturbed teens!, ER & Peds. Of course, this always involves the family. I teach my own 6hr. class called The Ultimate Supersitter. I teach 11 yr. old & up kids how to be responsible, safe & FUN sitters. I've been teaching for 5yrs in this area but class was developed 15 yrs ago when I lived in LA. The no.1 question kids ask is How do I disipline kids when they are bad?. Well, my answer is simple. Thier job is to keep kids safe & happy while babysitting, not being the parent!!(They watch SUPERNANNY and think that's what they should be doing!) I tell them that show is about really bad parenting, not babysitting!) AND unless parents have some guidence, it is the hardest job in the world! So J., I commend you for reaching out for some advice, most parents struggle or worse, give up.I teach my kids and in parenting classes some simple things they can do that may help at this age: 1. Never ask him a closed ended question, (a question that can be answered with a YES or NO)Ex. Do you want to pick up your toys! NO! Or statemants that are a demand. It's time to pick up your toys before bed! No. i don't wanna!!!!Ask open ended questions that start wlth Who, What, Why Where or When. Ex. When would you like to pick up your toys before bed, 7:00 or 7:15??? What would you like for being such a great helper for Mommy,(after toys picked up), a cookie & milk or 15min of your video? (let him set the timer) Give him choices!!! Let him make simple decisions for himself. (It build self esteem & confidence) You must be consistent everyday. Be calm and matter of fact. You may want to start with something more simpler during day. (Lunch & play choices, then move up to bed routine!) A reward chart is fun. ( Let him stick the star by the good behavior, after a week he gets the reward he has chosen) Hope this helps as a start, I could go on forever!! Best of luck & don't give up. Let me know how it goes, C.

I am also a child and family therapist, and it looks like you recieved some great advice. 1,2,3 magic is a great book as is love and logic (when he is a bit older). Consistency is very important, even if your little one is pulling on your heart-strings. Positive reinforcement is the best-sticker charts, prize bags, etc...Try to ignore the screaming, as it just gives him negative attention.

Good luck-A.

with my 3 yr old going through the same thing I can say whats worked the most for her is to tell her to leave on the floor what she wants in the trash,and to put what she wants to keep in the toybox.At first it doesn't seem to work but the more you go through and put the toys in a trash bag then hide them to make them appear to have went in the dumbster the more she realizes that if she don't pick them up she loses them.It is a fight at first though but it worked for her.Good luck

Hi J.,

In my many many years of experience with children, both my own and others, kids do that for attention. He knows that even while he is in time out, if he cries, you will give him the attention whether or not it is negative or positive. The best advice I can give you is to not talk to him or give him any attention while he is in time out. If he gets up from his time out location; you just pick him up and put him back. When you first put him in his time out, set a timer and explain to him that when the timer goes off, his time out is done. However, if he gets up, you will have to restart the timer. The first few times are the hardest.. because he will scream and scream. Once you show him you mean what you say, he will begin taking his time out seriously. I would advise that even when he is at child care.
With the toys; obviously you can not put him into time out for everything. If he does not pick his toys up, you tell him, "I will pick your toys up for you, but, I am going to take this one (his favorite toy) away until you show mommy that you can take care of it." Then you put it where he can see it but can not get to it. Then he will ask for it and that is your opportunity to remind him why it is there in the first place.
These things take time. I wish I could say it is a stage, but it really is not. Hopefully you will accomplish many things by using these techniques. Consistancy is the best form of discipline.

Take Care and I hope that helps,
F.