Need Advice on Trying to Be More Patient

Have you considered getting up earlier and starting everything sooner? I really hate rushing around and will always be considerably early to most any appointment. My husband always waits until the last minute and just keeps thinking of one more thing. It makes me nuts.

Part of this is an age thing IME (my girls have gotten progressively better at focusing as they've gotten older - when they were in preschool we were so routinely late that I actually took a photo of them in front of the clock on the day that they actually arrived a few minutes early!).

Do you think it would help if she had a visual reminder like those mini-hourglass timers to give her an idea of how much time she has to finish a task? Or a picture checklist that shows her school clothes, shoes, etc. to remind her of the things she needs to do?
Or perhaps tell her "we need to leave the house by X time. I'll come check on you in X minutes and if you haven't already gotten dressed by then, I'll help you." Then if she *is* dressed when you check on her, praise her and thank her for getting dressed on time and if not, say something like "thanks for getting x and y done, maybe tomorrow you can do x y and z".
Good luck! Our little ones *are* resilient - if she says "Are you mad at me because I'm taking so long?" just respond with something like "No, I'm not mad at you, but we *do* need to practice being on time because it's important"

My 5-year old son needs to be reminded constantly to stay on task. I must say, "Get your shoes on" about 15 times every morning.

One thing I found that works well for him is to give him a short list of about 3 tasks (go potty, wash hands, get dressed), and set the kitchen timer for a decent amount of time to get the tasks done (I'd give him about 7 minutes for the above tasks). For some reason, having a timer to beat really gives him motivation to get the stuff done. I don't do it every time, because I don't want it to lose its charm, but when we're really in a hurry it works well.

I also have started asking him to repeat what the assigned task is after I ask it: "Griffin, what have I asked you to do 3 times already?" It's amazing how often he either hasn't heard me, or forgotten the directive almost immediately. Just getting him to say it will sometimes light a fire.

I haven't read the other posts so I am probably going to be saying what others have said. If so, then feel free to disregard.

Employ an egg timer at the beginning of each task. Don't do it in a countdown to doom kind of way, but make it a game. Say, "I need you to brush your teeth and I think you can do it in 4 minutes. If you do it faster you win a sticker." Then set the timer and put it next to her. It is a fun way to keep her aware of the time. Then you can praise and reward her for succeeding.

Do practice runs with it. Make it a game you play together taking turns being the contestant. It's great for math and making predictions. In the evening say, "I bet mom can fold this laundry in 7 minutes, what do you think? Do you think I can do it faster? Will it take me longer?" After she answers set the timer and have her time you. If you are right, you get a sticker, and, if she is right, she gets a sticker. That way when you introduce it in the morning and for chores it is fun and she is already familiar with how it all works.

You can keep the more softer approach but she is going to have to learn to live w/her consequences.

If she won't get up in time, then let her be late. If you work or have to be somewhere I know this will be a huge inconvenience for you but being late once or twice is better than her being late for everything the rest of her life.

If she takes her time getting dressed, she gets to go to school in her pjs.

If she won't put on her shoes, then she goes to school barefoot.

If she takes her time eating, then she goes hungry.

If she doesn't brush her teeth, then she risks her friends telling her she has bad breath.

Etc.

Let HER start taking responsibility for her lack of actions. You can still be "nice mommy" and never have to raise your voice and she can still learn how to do things well and quickly on her own.

If I'm reading this correctly, you are talking about two things: your daughter's being able to do her tasks on time, and your impatience with her when she doesn't do them. I just read the answers you already have, and think there's some good advice there.

I believe the reason you're concerned about how you're handling this is because you're becoming aware that what you're doing is (gasp!) nagging. Oh, that word! We hate nagging when it's done to us... not so much when we do it to others, though, because then it's not our fault, right? :^)

I know that nagging always makes me slower, not faster. Even at my age.

Four is pretty young for a whole lot of responsibility, so I think I might try something along these lines: First, I'd make up my mind that I don't want to nag and I won't excuse myself when I do it. Then I'd work on some of the good ideas you already have for teaching timeliness. Be sure you model it as well as teach it. Very young children have trouble with generalized orders ("Get ready for school"... "pick up your room"... "be good"), so breaking it down into small, manageable, practical, easy-to-understand pieces is smart.

Then I think I'd relax a bit. It's always necessary to keep your good humor with children when you're teaching them, and that takes a bit of relaxing. One thing that works for me right now, when my grandchildren visit me, is setting a timer. "Let's see if you can race against the timer and be ready to leave the house before it goes off." Praise her for whatever she does accomplish. If she really gets into the timer thing, she could reward *herself* when she reaches a certain level of timeliness. That way she is in charge of herself.

She doesn't have to be perfect at it. And (this is important)... she isn't doing all this work in order to make you happy. She needs to know that making you happy is NOT her job (although it's nice for you both). Having to make a parent happy is a crushing responsibility for any child. Her job is merely learning to dress and be ready for school on time.

Next time you go to the library, you might look for Betty McDonald's MRS. PIGGLE-WIGGLE books. They're vintage stories about children and their quirky habits, and several of them have to do with dawdling (or variations thereof). Your daughter is probably not old enough to enjoy them yet, but you'll get a lot of good laughs.

I would probably make a picture chart of everything she needs to do in the morning before school. Laminate it and give her a dry erase marker to check off the things she does.
Set out clothes and things the night before (clothes, jackets, socks, shoes, hair ties, etc)
Set a timer, start by setting for each task and work your way up to setting it for just that morning. I have a timer I used to use when I was teaching that was a stoplight. If they still have time it stays green, yellow when there are just a couple minutes left, and then of course flashes red when time is up.
I got it from Highlights, but I know Lakeshore (and I"m sure other) Learning stores sell it.

Making it more of a game, and setting her up for success, will have positive outcomes all around. She will feel accompished and your relationship will improve (even though I'm sure it's amazing already!!) hopefully you will have less of those heartbreaking moments, and you will be on time for school.
I feel like a little part of me dies anytime my two year old says "Mommy I'm sorry I'm so bad" or something to that extent. It's terrible.

Start setting the timer. Give her areasonalble amount of time to complete a task, 15 minutes to get dressed with shoes on ect. Tell her when the timer goes off we leave that's it. One or two times of showing up at school half dressed will teach her to get going in the morning.

Also don't change her routine on weekends, until she forms the habit. Plan an activity for weekend mornings such as story time at the library.

Once you have started the timer routine don't harp on her. Just go about your business and leave on time.

I almost had to send my youngest to kindergarden in his jammies. His teacher said go ahead, he can get dressed in the bathroom. Luckily I didn't have to do that but I would have if I couldn't get him moving. The timer thing has worked for me over a 20+ year and 4 children and 4 grandchildren.

I have two suggestion that may yield patience. The first is to continue trying to see things from her perspective. Your post shows you already do that, and i do believe that we really need to try to see things from our children's point of view in addition to our own to make good decisions, and to strike a good balance with respect to challenge vs. over-challenge. The second suggestion is to maybe ease up a bit and live a slower, more relaxed life. She is only four, and i hope you can make it happen that you have enough time of the day with a playful atmosphere, so you can enjoy each other. I know that US moms ask a lot of their children. But studies show that playtime, unfocussed, undedicated time will help her be smart, creative and focussed later in life...
Good luck!
D.

I'm a "be on time if not early" person, so I feel for you.

I realize that at 4 your DD more than likely has toys all over her room, but with my daughter we kept them in the closet so as not to distract her, and set her clothes out the night before where she would see them in the morning. We had it worked out to a science as far as timing. There was a TV show she liked to watch, so that was her incentive to get up, shower, (she was like me and preferred to bathe in the morning) dress completely, then watch her TV show as she ate her breakfast. I did her hair as she watched the show as well. When the show ended she went to brush her teeth, and use the bathroom, jackets were hung by the door so all she had to do was grab her lunch pail from the counter and her jacket and we were out the door. There was no need to fuss at her, she knew that to watch her show and get out the door to get to her preschool this is what she had to do. She did this from the time she was 3 and 3 months, until she was in 6th grade, I'd just stopped doing her hair ; )

Do you have an incentive that would motivate your daughter to do what she needs to do? A TV show, DVD, or a video game she wants to play? Say, if she gets ready without you needing to remind her she gets to watch it for 30 minutes in the afternoon or evening. Or have you tried making getting ready a game? Wake her up and say something like, "First one dressed with shoes on gets to pick the radio station (or CD) for the drive to school." Then the two of you race to get dressed, and if she beats you she gets to pick. Or she gets to pick her treat in her lunch, etc.

Another option I am sure will label me as "harsh" is to have her miss out on something if she isn't ready by a certain time. I think what opened my daughter's eyes when she was still in preschool was when I told her our friend and her son (my daughter's best friend) were on their way to pick her up for breakfast and the park one Saturday morning. She had about 25 minutes to dress (I didn't care if she showered, and I put an outfit of jeans, top, sweatshirt, and socks on her bed.) She wouldn't get up from watching TV, and when the doorbell rang she jumped up, ran to answer the door, and she and her friend proceeded to watch TV. I said something like, "Get dressed so you can go eat and go to the park" and she didn't make a move. I set a timer for 5 minutes, and it went off without her budging. I told my friend that she wasn't going to go after all, and she jumped up and ran to her room, but it was too late. My friend and her son left, my daughter begged me to take her to the restaurant they were having breakfast at, I stood my ground and refused, and as time wore on she asked me to drop her off at the park and I refused. But she learned her lesson at 4, when Mom tells you to do something you better do it. Another way would be if your DD took too long and the two of you wouldn't be able to do something special like stop for ice cream or yogurt, not enough time.

And, a timer is invaluable. If you set it for the amount of time she needs to dress, then eat, brush her teeth, etc., it gives her something to gauge herself by, and there's no need to fuss or remind. She'll see that taking her time makes her run out of time and that she needs to speed up.

Encourage her when she does well so she isn't just hearing what she perceives as negative, with kids who seek approval big-time you have to walk a fine line. As far as your patience, do a task that keeps you busy so you're not dwelling on her dawdling, and hang in there.