Need Advice on Tantrums

I would suggest not giving into her or she will continue to have tantrums because she knows it works to get what she wants- like going back to the restaurant to wash hands. I would just say that she didn't have a choice #1 when you asked her in the restaurant and carry her in the bathroom and wash her hands for her if you have to. (even if she's throwing a temper tantrum) It's not up to her! If you did leave without washing hands, she had her chance when you asked her the first time and she said "no!" So even if she screams all the way home, she can wait 'til you get home and wash her hands then. Just don't give in to her demands or tantrums or she will think she's in control and it will just get worse! Good luck!

Three was way worse than two ever thought it could be. lol
Don't give in to unreasonable hostage demands! Give her two options and let her choose. This is the year you may end up bodily carrying her out of stores, restaurants, etc a time or tow. Say what you mean and mean what you say & she'll know you mean business. Hang tough!

Dear Mom,
Please teach her now, that she can not always have her way! This is a very important lesson! When any of my 3 started this tantrum stage, I'd calmly explain that it is not going to happen their way; and if they didn't stop, they would not go out with me, till they learned to behave! Not that I could often follow through, I made it a statement to them, not an option. I have gone to the point that if they are having tantrums in public, I would walk away from the cart and leave with them in tow. Then when tey agreed to behave I'd continue to do my shopping ect. If they continued to act up, we would go home and try again another day. Now they all know not to push the tantrum thing, but to speak clearly and calmly about what they are saying to me; and to show respect. They all got more when they talked to me clearly and listened to our rules. This is of course your choice, but I hope that I have given you food for thought! May God guide & Bless you all.
Sincerely,
Kathy N.
PS: What us parent teach our children now, will forecast everyone's future..

Assuming there is nothing different going on in your house or her life, the tantrums are normal.

Your mistake is giving in to them. You should not have gone back to the restaurant to let her wash her hands there. She learned that tantrums work, and that she will get her way if she tantrums.

That's easily remedied though -- most tantrums are best IGNORED. And if they get too bad, just put her in her room till she stops.

She is 3. They do this.
3 is a harder age, than 2.
They are not yet a "big girl", and yet still babyish. It is a "cusp" age, thus it is full of difficult moments... for the child.
Their emotions, are not even fully developed yet, nor their ability to handle it.
So they need to learn coping-skills. Which is something that is taught to them. So that they learn emotional articulateness.... so that later they can navigate themselves. And it also encompasses learning boundaries.

One thing is that I have always from 2 years old, taught my kids about emotions/feelings and how to express it AND to say it, in a palatable way. I "allow" bad moods, because even adults get that way. But that they can tell me how they feel, in a nice way. My son for example, if frustrated, will actually tell me "I'm frustrated... leave me alone now..." or he will go and deflate himself. Then when he feels better, he will tell me that too. Then he hugs me. I am proud of him. Good or bad, it is teaching them HOW to manage & express, their feelings and frustrations. Too.

If my kids get tweaked/obstinate for no reason or are unreasonable, then I simply tell them acting like that will not make me cooperate. And that they "redo" their actions. Thus, it ALSO teaches them "problem-solving" and there are OTHER ways of doing something or saying something. I will give them a chance, to correct their actions... I say "redo that..." and they will often do it. They do know, how... because we practice different ways of doing things. Not just "my" way. Only.
AND, if I know they are "trying their best..." then I am satisfied with that. I do not expect absolute "perfection" in them.. but that they "try their best...."

Also, no, don't give in to unreasonable demands. I would NOT have gone to go back and wash her hands. Too bad.
A child WILL deflate on their own... just ignore it. Then once they stop... then tell them "great, you calmed yourself down..." then go on with things. Or tell her, yelling won't get her anywhere.

Also, your girl seems tired. Does she still nap???? A child this age, does need to nap. When my daughter is tired, she gets like your daughter... moody/fussy/emotional/tantrum-y. When she does nap, she is much more even keeled and happier and pleasant.

The thing is: a child will get frustrated. SO, teach them how to manage frustration... and give them skills to help them. And practice it. Don't just "expect" the child to automatically KNOW how to handle it. They are young, they don't know how. And sometimes they don't even know how to express it nor how they are feeling. So teach them about feelings/the names for it and how to say it. Then as a TEAM... that you work on it or problem solve it.

all the best,
Susan

Well my daughter passed the terrible 2's like it was nothing. I was thinking what is everyone complaining about! WELL she hit horrendous 3's like nobody's business. I thought we were going to lose it! She would do the same thing. All of a sudden we would enter the market, she would throw the biggest temper tantrum you would ever see. I had to wait to do the marketing till my husband was home. If she didn't want to eat something, wash her hands, etc...it was all a battle. We emerged from the 3's relatively unscathed, we just had to have follow through. We didn't give in or give up. It's just parenting. She outgrew it and she is now a beautiful 16 year old. 3's are nothing P., just wait for 10-tude to show up, and 12 - 14 you are not even sure this is the thing you gave birth to. You will love all the struggles when you come out on the other side. Have patience, hug her, love her and tell her often!

She's figuring out that there's a lot in the world that she doesn't control, so she's trying to figure out the boundaries. Every child her age wants to be Supreme Emperor of the Universe (hey, a lot of people never outgrow that) and will have a fit when they realize that they can't be. Sometimes it's something relatively small - "I hate these socks!" - and sometimes it's absolutely outside of their control - "I want the sky to be purple!"

Giving kids choices helps them feel in control, but TOO MANY choices actually has the opposite effect. If she thinks that she has infinite choices, she'll get even more frustrated, because she won't be sure which one choice out of thousands will make her happy. Then, she'll inevitably decide that she made the wrong decision, and want the decision moment back (sometimes over and over again) in hopes of having the perfect experience.

When something really is non-negotiable - it's bedtime, it's time to get dressed, you need to wash your hands, we're having chicken for dinner, you need to buckle up - don't ask, "Do you want to..." Just calmly state it as a fact. "It's time to get ready for bed." "We need to wash your hands." Asking, "Do you want to" implies a choice that doesn't really exist. Sometimes parents, after discovering that they're pregnant again, will ask a child, "Do you want a baby brother or sister?" and then wonder what to do when the child says, "No!" The child wonders why it's happening anyway, even though they said "no," and resent the parents.

It also helps to remember that your job is to help her learn how to understand and manage frustration, not to make sure she's never frustrated (an impossible task!) When she has a fit about something like going back to the restaurant, just calmly say, "No, we're going home now," and mean it. It is not your job to make sure she never cries or is upset, it's your job to teach her how to be a functioning adult. If she decides she wants to change clothes on the way out the door, say, "I'm sorry, it's time to leave, not time to get dressed. You can wear the other dress tomorrow," and then leave, even if she screams. Eventually she will learn how not to sweat the small stuff!

I laugh at the name Terrible Two's. I honestly believe there is no such thing, but instead the Terrible Three's! Children are trying to become much more independent, they are learning they can do things themselves, and more importantly, they are starting to understand emotions and trying to interpret and deal with them - hence the tantrums. It is difficult for everyone. As others have suggested, giving your child a sense of control is key to riding it out with your sanity intact! Offering choices that make them feel like they have a say makes everything run smoother. For instance, you are getting ready to leave and your child normally refuses to wear shoes. Instead of asking or telling your child to put shoes on, ask "Would you like your pink sandals or the white tennis shoes?" It leave out the idea she can go without shoes, but still gives her a sense of control over the situation. She gets to decide on something and you both move on without incidence. This doesn't always work, but it works much of the time and deflects issues before they even start!

If you make the mistake of demanding something and they refuse and you start heading down a battle of wills, it is important to stand your ground. If she wants to have a temper tantrum, let her. Tell her the consequences of her actions and/or behavior and follow through. Consistency is the key and your child will be grateful for it as well!

As for waking with the tantrum, she may have just been dreaming of a situation or re-enacting something that happened the previous day. processing the lessons learned. This is actually a good thing and if you work out a plan for dealing with situations, she will process and understand things better with the consistent lessons.

My son did this at 3 too. The first thing I would recommend is don't give in to her demands when she is being unreasonable (screaming, crying, etc). She is testing boundaries and seeing how much control she has. We taught our son that it is ok to be mad but we also taught him what were acceptable ways to show his anger. We required him to ask for what he wanted in an appropriate manner and did not respond to demands made during a tantrum. We also gave him choices rather than tell him what to do in some circumstances so he would feel control over some areas, example- "do you want to wash your hands in the bathroom or use the hand sanitizer?" Either way her hands are washed but she controls how they are washed. Lastly, if he didn't make a choice from the given choices then we made the choice for him.

My son is almost 4 now and while he has occasional tantrums, they are nothing like what they were. He is communicating his wants so much better and he enjoys having more freedom to make choices.

We just got out of three but have a cranky 2 year-old priming for major frustrations soon. 3 is MUCH worse than 2.

There was something else (other than what people have already mentioned) that stood out in your message. You said you "asked if she'd like to wash her hands". You gave her an option when it sounds like you should have told her that you were going to go to the bathroom and wash your hands before you left.

I do agree that turning around to calm the situation will only make matters worse down the road. At this age, establishing yourself as an authority figure is hugely important, and if she sees you back down even a little, she'll capitalize on it.

Being a parent is tough. Telling our children "No" and facing the guilt and possible dislike they throw our way isn't fun. But, it's part of being a parent. My parents were probably on the opposite side of being way too strict, and I sense people feel that way about how we parent our kids.

It's OK to give options. For example: "Would you like to go to the bathroom and wash your hands or use some hand sanitizer here before we leave?".
Options are good and helps them learn to make decisions. But, it's also important to teach them to stand by their decisions and that certain behaviors are simply not accepted (you get to decide what is acceptable and what is not).

Beth is correct. this is very normal, not fun for us though. DO NOT give into going back once you have left. She needs to know she had the chance and it was HER choice so now she has to live with it and take on the responsibility for it.

You will need to help your child feel like she has some control. We used to arrive at a restaurant (store, event whatever) and immediatly go and wash our hands. I would ask our daughter if she needed to potty. Usually, I always said, "I am going to try to potty, so I do not have to get up during our meal".. This would encourage her to try.. then we would wash our hands. Remember "Do you want to push the button on the hand dryer." Or "Would you please pull off a peice of paper for mom to dry her hands too?" Thank you.

Then when the meal is finished give her the choice. "I need to go and wash my hands, would you like to go with me, or do you want dad to give you some wipes for your hands?"

She has the impression you are giving her control, but you are actually getting her to do what you need her to do..

Yes, it takes time and energy, but it is teaching her how to make decisions and how to also use her manners. Eventually, she will know at each food place you wash your hands when you get there and when you leave.

3 was waaaaay worse than 2 for us as well. Don't worry, it will pass. But do yourself a favor and get the tools you need for this age under your belt soon or it will be hard to break them of this stage. Our daughter went through this tantrum phase for a long time before we were able to break the pattern because we gave in.
The other mom's have some great advice. The tantrums are all about testing the boundaries. How far can they push you before you give in. First and foremost, don't give in. Don't turn back around to go wash her hands, she discovered that day that she has the power to push your buttons to get what she wants. It's hard, sometimes you just want to give in because you don't want to deal anymore. We did the same thing and we paid for it for a couple of years.
Giving her choices is great because they feel like they still have a little power. You can either go to the bathroom and wash your hands or we can use the wipes, which would you like to do? Also, stay consistant with your discipline. If you use time outs or take away toys, what ever you do that works with her, don't deviate from it because you are sick of dealing. I made the mistake many times of not following through with threats and discipline. If you tell her "we will leave the store if you continue this behavior", leave the store. No second chances.
If it's a complete melt down with no rhyme or reason, there is no stopping it and you have to allow them to freak out sometimes. When this happens, don't give attention to it. Don't look at her, don't get upset, don't try and talk her out of it, any attention is going to reinforce the behavior. Just make sure she's not going to hurt herself and ignore the behavior. If your out and about, go to the car and sit for a while. When she comes around, give her some possitive attention when she is acting normal again. After a while, she'll learn she can't get a rise out of you and in order to get your attention, she has to settle down.
A great book to read regarding this subject is parenting the strong willed child. It has some good techniques and advice, but gears toward kids who are typically strong willed on a day to day basis, not just a phase. This may just be a phase that she will get through soon.

Good luck and stay strong! It's a tough phase!

Oh gosh!! I remember this phase.

I got some great advice just recently that is working for our strong willed child, and hopefully it will help you as well.

Giving "choices" helps: "Do you want to wash your hands here, or do you want to use wipes in the car."

Once she answers, confirm you heard her and her choice. "You don't want to wash here. You choose to use wipes? Sounds good."

If she changes her mind on you, remind her that she made the choice, that you're sorry she's not happy with the choice. Then you can hopefully just roll with the tantrum, stay calm, and empathize that you hear she's not happy with her choice. Then the next time, make sure again that she knows she has a choice, and now she will hopefully remember that you stand by the choice and don't back down. It may be a control thing? With our daughter, it is.

We use this often with our fights about sunscreen (choose to put on or stay inside), brushing teeth (no treats the next day if she doesn't let us brush well at night).

I hope this helps or at least gives you some other ideas. And the twos were a breeze compared to the threes! Good luck :)

It sounds normal from my experience (with an almost 4 year old, who has similar tantrums, and from my work as a kindergarten teacher, too)... I am sometimes tempted to punish my son for these tantrums, because they feel so unfair to me (and it's challenging to be the only one dealing with them, as a single mommy).

But now I realize that he will have them on occasion, and that we just need to ride out the storm, and let him cry it out. If he is hitting or doing something else inappropriate, I will tell him he cannot do that, but I will let him cry it out. Then we talk about it.

But honestly, in my experience with kids, this kind of behavior seems to carry through the 4s, and then it gets better when they are around 5 years old... good luck, and don't worry about it - it's natural.

Your daughter is testing boundaries, and also testing because she is gaining independence and needs to know her mommy and daddy love her, no matter what. Reflect back to her what she is doing ("I can see you are upset, and you want to _____", or "I know you don't want to leave the restaurant/party/playground, and you are very mad/sad/frustrated; it's okay to be mad/sad/frustrated, but we are still going home."). Then give her a big hug after her tantrum, and things will be okay. :)

Repeat to yourself "she is only 3 and this will pass, she is only 3 and this will pass" over and over when the tantrums begin. My LO is a sweetie too but last month she started crying at the drop of a hat. Most tantrums I just repeat my mantra until she calms enough to talk to me. I try to figure out what she wants/needs and sometimes a hug can help. It will get easier as they get older.

Good luck and hang in there!

First, there are the "terrible twos" but there are also the "terrible threes." Hardly seems fair, right? By the way, I completely disagree with the previous poster who said that you're dealing with this now because you didn't handle it when she was two. My son was *so easy* until he was three and a half. He just decided to stretch his wings later. Everybody doesn't do everything at the same time.

The thing I would have done differently in the example you cited is that I would not have gone back. We would have gone home and she would have had to continue her fit in private (in her room with the door closed... not just out of public). When she settled down, we could talk about what good behavior is and what it isn't. We could also talk about what she could do next time (choose to wash her hands at the restaurant while still there or use the wipes).

When she's screaming her head off, you can't have a conversation or instruct her effectively. You *can* get down to her level, make eye contact and talk very quietlyand directly to her. Sometimes curiousity will override the tantrum; she might want to hear what you have to say and therefore quiet down. This, in my experience, works only selectively. So it's better to get out of the situation and wait for her to do what she needs to (stop the tantrum) before you move on.

Just as you are learning how to handle these bumps in the road, she's learning how to handle herself. This is just the nature of parenting and of being a toddler. It sounds like you definitely have her best interest in mind. She's a lucky little girl!

3 1/2 is often the hardest age. They can be so unreasonable or cranky or whiny or uncooperative or .... well, you get the idea. When she flares up like this, remember it's a fluke thing and will pass. You say that she normally is sweet and funny, so focus on that and mentally toss out the weird flare ups. Maybe you could do what she wants in fantasy, or sidetrack her to something else that's fun, like a song or dance. One thing that sounds odd but really does help is agree with her. -- agree, but don't change your mind. "Yes! It would be really nice to go back. You really really want to wash your hands at the restaurant bathroom. " Give her a minute to absorb this then see where she is at.

I've experienced and also heard my other friends talk about the wake up crying thing. Can't explain that one either. Thank goodness they keep growing and this irrational stuff passes.

Fours are usually experimenting with threats and ultimatums and when she hits this stage, I recommend rephrasing her <ahem> comments into proper language and she really will learn and adopt this. You don't need to fight with her about it, just keep verbalize the corrected language. You can add do-overs after a while too.

I look forward to hearing others answers. My DS JUST turned 2 and we are dealing with much of the same. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.
Some days are better than others, but the whinyness and random outbursts are enough to drive you CRAZY.
I try to ignore what I can. Sometimes when he's freaking out and looking at me, I just stare him in the eyes and don't respond and then go about whatever I was doing. That tends to calm him down for a bit. I don't know, we're struggling through it too.
Hang in there, we'll make it through!

Give her options to choose from. Don't just ask her "do you want to wash your hands?" Ask her if she wants to wash her hands in the bathroom or use a wipe? Each time she will get to choose but she will have limited options. So she will think she has control but really you will. =0)

Don't give her so many "choices". When lunch is finished, tell her she's getting her hands washed. Firmly if she resists. Then wash her hands regardless of whether she throws a fit. If you've left a restaurant and she asks to turn around and wash her hands, after you already gave her a chance, DON'T go back. Sounds harsh maybe if you're not used to telling her no, but she will get the point eventually. Three year olds know that making noise and crying is one way to get some people to give them their way, so show her that it won't work on you and she will stop.

Hi sweetie, many many moms are going to tell you this is normal and they all grown through it, well as a mom of 26 years and a daycare provide for 13 i'm here to tell you that, that is not true. I have 3 (Now grown) no tatrums whats so ever. tatrums for children who throw them will will last as long as they work. For example you guys going back to the resturant, you gave her so much power that day Power that no child should ever have. Is it normal? it's normal for a child to try and see if it works, is it a phase? like I said it will last as long as it works. in 13 years i have had less children who throw tatrums than did, the ones that did i nip in the bud, Tatrums are child size fits of anger, and normal or not must be in my opinion unacceptible behavior. but that is something you and your husband must decide for your family. The reasons these other moms are saying 3 is worse than 2 is because it wasn't dealt with at 2, so the behavior just got worse. J.

Updated

Hi sweetie, many many moms are going to tell you this is normal and they all grown through it, well as a mom of 26 years and a daycare provide for 13 i'm here to tell you that, that is not true. I have 3 (Now grown) no tatrums whats so ever. tatrums for children who throw them will will last as long as they work. For example you guys going back to the resturant, you gave her so much power that day Power that no child should ever have. Is it normal? it's normal for a child to try and see if it works, is it a phase? like I said it will last as long as it works. in 13 years i have had less children who throw tatrums than did, the ones that did i nip in the bud, Tatrums are child size fits of anger, and normal or not must be in my opinion unacceptible behavior. but that is something you and your husband must decide for your family. The reasons these other moms are saying 3 is worse than 2 is because it wasn't dealt with at 2, so the behavior just got worse. J.

From what I have read from other people, it is normal.
I agree with giving choices. My lovely Julia, will forget to brings things with her to my aunt's house and will want me to drive back. Ohhhh, the crying..... I used to say: I'm sorry that mommy forgot.
Then I realized...it was not me! She will use the I forgot to wash my hands, let's turn back. I forgot lady bug, I forgot my juice, my water...all with "let's go back". Now, before we leave ANY PLACE. I asked if there is anything she needs to do or get, and also remind her that if she forgets anything, we will not go back. She knods....I ask again and tell her to answer me with words. Of course, there's always something she forgets. I know it will pass, but, IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!! LOL. I still, would never change that for anything.
Just stay calm.