Need Advice on Realitionship

It's all in the way you talk to him. I would give what you can to the kids. Make a schedule of what they need to clean and when. They won't do it as well as you do it but at least it will be wiped down with some cleanser. My kids are expected to do stuff that helps me and that teaches them to take care of themselves and their environment. They clean the bathroom they use, they clean their own room, they do their own laundry and they set and clear after dinner. They empty the dishwasher and take out the garbage. All these things they are expected to do without receiving money for it. Then I put out a list of things I need help with doing and give it a dollar amount. They choose what chores they want to do and receive, what we call, commission(not allowance). Perhaps after you show your husband the things the kids are doing to pitch in and ask "would you please.....?" When you ask 'could' you he thinks of course I could it's almost offensive so when you ask would you they seem to not feel offense. Do you have a lap top you can order Pea Pod? I love pea pod. From your bed you can prepare a menu for the whole week and a list, order it and then just have it come when your husband is home and can put the stuff away. Ask him when he'll be home and when is a good time for the order to be delivered. Then you provide him with the menu and where to find the recipes. He most likely feels very vulnerable and his ego not quite right because he is on workers comp. He needs a lot of tlc from you. You need to build him up with affirmations and respect. Even when he doesn't deserve the respect show it to him. You will be amazed at how his behavior starts to change. Men's emotional needs are very simple; respect, honor, and love. In that order. Also get him involved in the scheduling and organizing of when and what needs to be done. He needs to know his opinion is valued. I know you won't feel like doing these for him, but I promise when you do this he will change and your marriage will be for the better. It will take a little bit of time so be patient and keep doing it and pray pray pray.

maybe you could just start by asking how he feels- it sounds like he is depressed. I can not imagine how this affects the whole family. ask everyone to sit with you and discuss it all together- everynight at dinner we used to go around and talk about our favorite part of the day and sometimes our least favorite- we also used to all write down 3 things we were thankful for and we could never repeat it- it helped change our thinking and in turn gave us a boost of energy. Good Luck and God Bless!

1.) Men and women are different. Put together we compliment eachother to make a better whole. We see things differently than them. Things could be growing out of the carpet before my husband realizes that he needs to vacuum.

So learn to say what you want. You will have to be direct. Try "baby can you vacuum please...the carpet lasts longer if we vacuum once a week"

Try "baby I'm craving some chili for dinner tonight...here is the recipe" I have a bunch of easy recipes that most men can follow.

Try "baby I'll sit and fold the clothes if you will throw them in the laundry and bring them to me"

2.) Leaving your husband will only make it worse. Learn to let things go. Ending your marriage because he is lazy is not a good plan in my opinion. You will then definitely be doing everything by yourself. You will still be stressed.

3.) Rent this movie from redbox for $1 "Fireproof" My husband and I watched it two weeks ago and the change in him has been dramatic. It is pretty cheasy at first because they acting isn't that great, but it builds up so much and had me in tears at the end. It really is a good movie and it has made my husband understand many things I've been fussing at him about for years. It really is a good movie about marriage.

4.) Tell your kids to do things the same way you tell your husband. Have them come to the bed, make them look you in the eyes, tell them you really need their help....you NEED a team not a bunch of lazy, moochers. Tell them the little one in your body is well worth their efforts. Then tell them exactly what you want them to do, and how you want them to do it....then tell them to crawl up in the bed with you and sit and eat popcorn together and watch a good movie...or just talk and work on homework.

5.) Your hormones are out of whack right now and making you feel way worse than your normally would about everything. With my last pregnancy I was so mean and irratable. I had to keep telling myself it was the pregnancy. My husband said I had my dukes up the whole time. So just keep reminding yourself that you have a little one making your hormones rage and thus it is affecting your emotions. It's normal and it's a fact of life...just try to remember that fact when you begin to feel frustrated. Lay back, think about that sweet baby, take some deep breaths and try to find some joy.

5.) Make yourself smile when talking to your children and hubby. Don't frown and be negative..it rubs off. Set the tone. When they start to whine and complain just ask them to come close...put your arms around your kids and tell them that you understand how boring it is to clean or do chores...tell them you understand how they hate it because you hate it too, but tell them you really need them to help and make the best of things. Smile and hug them and tell them you expect them to come through this time as fine young people that you can be proud of.

I hope all that helps. It won't work all the time, but you have to try. Never stop trying. Your family and your marriage are worth your every effort...even when you are just so sick of it you can't stand it.

Dear J.,

You are on bedrest for a reason - this is not the time to solve all the problems that you describe. I know they are frustrating but your frustration level will cause you to be on more medication and put you and your baby at a higher risk for major health concerns. I speak from experience - I've been on bedrest and some things you just have to let go for the sake of yours and the baby's health. At this point, be grateful that the kids help out; Let them wait on you - teaches them to be service-oriented and gracious kids. It's not a terrible thing that your house is not as clean as you would keep it. They truly are going to kiss your feet when you are able to be off bed rest because, honestly, NO ONE really knows how much we do in a day - it just gets done! From changing the toilet paper rolls to making sure that things aren't growing in our refrigerators. It's just what we do!

But... you want some things to get done regularly. Make some lists..Food lists, chore list....phone numbers for family. Your husband, in your mind may not be the most competent person to fill your shoes but.. you are forced to let him and he may surprise you. Find SOMETHING good that he has done and tell him you appreciate him - could go along way. You can line up a couple family members or friends, a couple times per week/ each having a different chore. When you do talk to your husband - do it when you and he are calm. Address your problems and how can HE solve them? I'm guessing the computer game-problem has been going on for quite a while. Not a problem that you may completely solve any time soon. Prioritize your frustrations. What needs to be changed NOW???

Again, keep calm. Make sure you have things to keep you occupied (read magazines/books, bead jewelry/bracelets, rewrite your address book... Anything to keep you from being stir-crazy. Dirty dishes and laundry are frustrations but they still are low on the list of concerns. Your health is the greatest concern. See if you can get them to work as a team (husband & kids) and not against each other. Good luck.

My advice would be to disconnect the computer & use that money to hire a cleaning person. Or if thats not an option have a family meeting & let everyone choose a room that they want to be in charge of cleaning (dont include the kids rooms just the main living areas). Make a meal plan that is super simple so that you can make dinners, like crockpot meals, spaghetti, frozen pizzas, pot pies, oncorr, etc. I can send you a few super simple crockpot meal ideas so there is no real work & you wont be on your feet. Since you probably cant go to counseling order a marital workbook, since you are both at home, & see if that helps light a fire under his _ss. One that my friend & her hubby are doing is "The seven principles for making marriage work" by John Gottman.

Good luck, I wish you well.

I don't know what the other posters have said yet, but you sound like you are in this relationship all by yourself. He's kind of like having a pet in my opinion and I seldom get this harsh. You can of course gently let him know that he could help (sounds like you tried that). If he's not working I'll give it to him that he might be depressed but then he can be prodded to seek a job. It is hard now I know, but finally will this continue after you have the baby? You sound like you have some wonderful children. Do some soul searching. If you were the one that kept everything going until you got this pregnant, do you think you need him in your life? I never thought I myself would say something like that. Anyway, for your own sanity hang in there the couple of more months and do whatever you can to survive (order food? call peapod? Sounds like you don't have a lot of money, but are there neighbors that can help when they go shopping. My insides tell me this isn't right, but you need to do what is best for you. If he's not working he doesn't sound like you have insurance with him, so you might deliver some information about what consequences there are if he continues to act like a child himself. If your strength requires you to stay with him until after you have the baby then so be it. I will pray for you. It sounds so difficult and I often wonder why women stay with men who are like this. But I don't know the whole background of your relationship so I will only stand by the smallest amount of pity I have for him and that that is perhaps he is really depressed and feels inadequate to care for everyone due to his job loss. But that is stretching it when I say that...Prayers and hugs for you.

Dear J.,

My heart goes out to you. It took a long time before my husband would help out so I understand your pain. Our third child is 3, almost 4, and she is clearly favored by him. It breaks my heart for the other 2, they didn't get 1/2 the attention she gets. Men can be so touchy..I wish I had some really sound advice but I think praying to God is first and try to leave your problems at His feet. Also, time with your children will surely lift your spirits. I have found that arguing with my husband never got me anywhere, just made matters worse so if there is some creative way of bargaining with him he may be persuaded to do more. Sounds like his parents may have babied him like my husband, don't understand how men can think slacking off is ok. Hang in there :)

Dear J., You sound like such a nice person, and everyone sees the injustice of your situation. So maybe you would like to try to look at it from your husband's point of view. My husband said, "Sounds like he's on vacation." So after working a job, he is now free to take it easy for awhile. Unfortunately, depression could very easily set in if he keeps this up too long. You are wise not to nag him or say the obvious, that he should be helping out. Pray about this of course. Since he does rally himself to help out when you start to clean up, then that is your best bet, just get up and do a few things as your energy allows. Put this in perspective, is four months of a messy house really so bad that you should get stressed out over it? It is going to end and you will be able to do all those things which you can't now, so maybe for awhile you will even enjoy your housework duties. Get your son to do dishes more often so they don't get to be more than he wants to do. Use paper plates,etc, whatever will lessen the work load. Cal on some church friends or neighbors, or relatives to help out. Now I'm sure some of them will have a lot to say about hubby and "Why can't he do it?" but I suggest you be prepared for this response and go ahead and ask them anyway to do the shopping and laundry. Say a prayer before you call and tell them somebody (me) advised you to call them and ask. The point is to avoid unnecessary stress. Sure it would be wonderful if he (and by the way, old man, is not the best way to think of him, begin to think of him by his name and with as much respect as you can muster) would take advantage of his time at home and do the household chores as reliably as you do, but maybe he would have to turn into a different person for that to happen. Miracles do happen but we can't lose faith when they don't. Better he not get depressed and feels free to go and get a job, so do handle him gently. He probably has a little voice in his head doing a job on him as it is. It is also possible that he truly is oblivious to his messy surroundings. This too shall pass.

Hey J.! It sounds like you are religious, and my advice to you, is directly in line with the Bible...pray for your spouse that he will have a heart to serve you during this hard time! Pray that he will be able to see life through your eyes, and the integrity to embrace his role as a husband. My hubby and I just watched the movie Fireproof together last night. Sit down and watch it together. It might just be the thing you guys need to rekindle the romance and love each other the way you each need to be. I am a firm believer in love languages, and know they can turn things around. We want to love when we are loved!
As far as sitting down and talking to him, I would make sure not to point the finger or blame. No guy wants that! Guys want to be respected! Tell him you love him so much and can understand how not having a job right now is hard! You can really relate to that, not being able to do your job as a mom b/c you are on bedrest! Just explain your needs and tell him how the kids are pitching in and how you would appreciate him leading by example now and taking responsibility for the leader of the home! And then just pray! Don't forget to ask him how he has been feeling lately w/ no job and staying up late. Maybe there is something deeper going on that you don't know about!

Hang in there!

Hi J., a very long time ago (21) years to be exact, I too was on bed rest...it really bothered me not being able to do things for myself and relying on other people...my house was full of family all the time and things went on the way they were suppose to...my girls were having babies the same time I was...infact while on bed rest I took care of my 8 mo. old grandson at times...the way you are talking...life seems hard for you with 2 young children and a husband that really doesn't know how to make the house look good enough for you...some men are just that way they don't enjoy a nice clean house...but if he shows you attention and love that's what really matters...try to relax and know that the housse will still be there after all this is over...you will be back as good as new...you'll be able to do all the things you normally do...my prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. Jo

Hi,
Your on bedrest and the only people stepping up to help you is your 8 yr old and 12 yr old. That should tell you something right there. You deserve better.

J.
Congrats om number 4!! Are there any friends or family nearby to help you out on a weekly basis? Dad may be depressed and be able to really see what needs to be done. SO it is up to you get the help you need. Try making a schedule/ chart of what all goes into the running a home and then in very non confrontational like call a family meeting and lay out for everyone involved help him/them see that everyone has to pitch in and help mom out while she is laid up. This for the new baby and your health. Also thank them for what they have doing "right" It will be a tearful encounter but you can do it. Then call on your friends and ask them for help too. So dad and the kids can get help too. Good Luck!! You can do this
J. O

This is very simple, but a harsh truth. You don't have a very good man. Your upsetness is NORMAL and justified. So, okay, you have to not get stressed. the problem is - your pregnant and it is very important to keep things as much as possible from getting too stressful. You will not change him. So right now - STOP trying to explain anything to him. You will have to accept that your house will be messy right now. Live with it -- for the health of yourself and your unborn child and your children. It is good and okay that your children do some chores. Some. Yes, it is unfair that your "man" is not while they do. But you are pregnant and now is NOT the time to solve this. Wait. Hold out until the baby comes. Seek out ALL OTHER RESOURCES. Arrange friends, other family members, church -- to help. In your mind, you may know that how your "man" is behaving is inappropriate, but NOW is NOT the time to solve this problem. Take care of yourself, your home, your children -- as if he was not there. Think. How would you do it? It will create distance between the two of you. Be prepared for that - and for him picking up on that and trying to "attract" you back. Keep your wits about you. Stay in self-protection mode. When the time comes, have the baby. Watch. Make plans if needed. If you cannot live with it any longer, make your plans to carefully with the least harm to your children - leave him.

That sucks. Have you tried counseling? Sometimes having another objective person can help especially as you are expecting. Have you considered hirering help? Say to your husband, well, if you are too lazy to help out and take responsibility, then we will hire someone to clean up after you. Tell him he will have to work harder to pay for this service. Tell him, you ar really stressed and to think about the baby and your condition. You need to set these ground rules up now otherwise it will be worse when you are carrying for your new baby in conjunction with others. Try to keep a schedule of what needs to be done and allocate responsibilities to others in the house. If one child hates the dishes, then he/she does the laundry or vacuums. It does not hurt to instill responsibility into the children too, though Dad needs to set an example as well. Make sure he has at least two jobs he has to do and the others the kids do, but everyone has their own specific job. If it is not done, then no rewards. If Dad does not get it done, no games!!! Just like a child (that is what it results too), otherwise the last resort is ired help; does not solve the issue, but gets the job done and less stress on you!

Having recently been on bed rest, I can empathize with your need to have a clean house and support. I found great comfort in my friends and church. I was crushed that I could not attend church (when I felt I needed it most) but our pastor and congregation helped with meals and just visiting. I am a very independent person so asking for let alone receiving help outside the house was hard (my family is not in state either).

Ask friends and family for assistance. If you are not a member of a church but feel you need spiritual support, contact a church and ask to meet with the pastor/minister. Most will be willing to come to the house and see you.

Hang in there.

Hi J.,

First, take a deep breath and relax a bit. Bedrest has enough challenges as it is - espeically when you're used to being the one to do everything. Anytime you start to feel yourself get upset, take a deep breath and think calm thoughts about your baby.

Having said that, I agree with the other Jen about making up a chart/list of the basics to keep the house going. Enlist the help of close friends and family and have a heart to heart with your husband.

My guess is that he's nervous and feeling helpless about the situation and this may be his way of coping. That won't get the job done but it might help you figure out the best way to communicate/reach him.

Find out what he can do/will commit to. Figure out what the kids can do to pitch in - within reason. While we can all appreciate there are some things we don't mind doing, there are household things that need to get done that we despise. Perhaps grocery shopping is one of those things...if so, can you get a girlfriend to help/order peapod/etc? If that is one of the things on his list that he absolutely hates, see if you can get it taken care of another way, figure out a solution together. Maybe then he'll be more apt to chip in elsewhere.

Bottom line, you need to take care of you and that baby. In a perfect world, concessions like these wouldn't have to be made and the man in your life should step up and take care of what needs to be done. But you might have to be a bit creative to find a solution that works for your family. Consider also that he will never do things the way you do - they never do no matter how many years it's been done one way. Reconsider when he does something and readjust your standards. If the laundry is folded but not put away - at least it's clean. Try not to sweat the small stuff. There will be time for a spotless house another time. Right now it's all about getting by and staying healthy both physically and mentally.

Praying for you and that baby. I was on bedrest with my first for 10 weeks after going into labor at 26 weeks. He was born at 35.5 weeks weighing 7 pounds and was perfectly healthy. He is now an energy-filled, smart little 2.5 year old wonderboy. I wish you a healthy baby. Take things one step at a time. If you need to figure things out once your baby is here, do so then. Worry about it then.

Hi J.. I am also pregnant & due june 15th. Two weeks after you. Im not on bed rest but i have an 18 year old boy born june 1st & a 3 year old. Hand full being pregnant! My husband ig gone all day working. So everything is up to me. My 18 year old works & goes to school. I feel for you. I know how hard things can be trying to get all the chores done.

Your hubby is probably a great guy buy needs you to tell him the truth! The babies health is what is important here. Men sometimes have blinders on. I hope all goes well. My e-mail ia ____@____.com. Write whenever u like. Take care & god bless you & your family. Im 39 & having our last baby. I have all boys, this is a girl. Different for me.. :)
looking forward to here from you M.******

What sometimes works for getting my husband moving on chores I need done is giving him a list of proposed expenditures on hired help (housecleaning, grocery delivery services, etc). If he doesn't want to spend the money, he'll do the work. If he doesn't want to do the work, he has to work harder to pay for the hirees.

I just wanted to say that last night my husband and I had a conversation and he told me that if I want him to do something I have to spell it out for him. I've found (at least with my husband) that hinting at something doesn't get what you want. Maybe that's what your husband needs? Also, maybe (being a guy) he just doesn't see what needs to be done. Women and guys look at things differently. You see a messy/dirty house that is not kept up to standards... he sees kids who are old enough to take care of themselves and a house that is at least still standing. Good luck!

In addition to what everyone else has said, I would say that your kids are doing great! What they are doing is exactly what they should. They are part of your family and as such, they need to pull together and help when the family is in a bind. That's how it works. However, if your hubby isn't pulling his weight, that makes it trickier. My advice on that sore topic would be that when you talk to him, don't attack the work that he has done or is doing for you. Add some things to the list and move on. NOBODY is going to do thins like you do them. In our time of need we have to be thankful for any help and try to relax. If he has lost his job, his feelings of failure will only be compounded by you criticizing the way he changes sheets, etc... I would ask him for more help, and other family too, and then lay back and relax. Your health and the health of the baby are more important than the cleanliness of your house right now. Blessings to you. : )

You are in my prayers! Call in the troops! Do you have any relatives, or friends who can help? The church? You need more help. Meanwhile, try to take whatever he does and be postive about it and praise him. I mean anything. Thank him and be sincere about it. Try to let as much go as possible and lower your standards. It sounds like he's being a real jerk, but lets face it, we women like things done a certain way and think it is wrong if they don't do it that way. Well, it's not wrong, it's just different. Try to change the way you look at things as much as possible and stick to the bare essentials.

You are in my prayers. It's so hard as a mom to sit back and let others do things. It's just not in our nature. Try to focus on what only is absolutely necessary. Keep us updated!

let him read this letter

Reading your post really upset me...any man who behaves that way should not be called a man. You need to get his sorry butt into counseling ASAP. Think of the example he's setting for your children! Do you want your son growing up treating his wife and family that way?

No inspirational words will do you any good, you need to take action. I know you're on bed rest, but have someone come to your home to talk to him. Call his mother so she can see what he's (not) doing...maybe she'll give him a good slap to his head.

Maybe your Dr. or nurse can call him and explain to him that you are or bed rest for a very good reason. Maybe he thinks you're using the pregnancy as an excuse not to do anything, and this may be his way of showing his dissatisfaction?

If I was in your shoes, I'd sit him down and calmly explain to him that this behavior is unacceptable, and as soon as I have the baby I'm packing my stuff and moving out. He can then go and get another job so he can pay child support for the 3 kids.

Good luck, be strong.

Jen,
Well you certainly have a hard situation! Hope you can get some relief soon!
What you have to realize is that men are sometimes...sorry to say...like children too. You have to train them as well! Here is my advice (it works most of the time I have 5 kids and a hubby who loves TV/computer games but helps out a lot now)...
1- make a schedule while you are in your bed. It can be on a peice of your kids' notebook paper even. Just write for each day what SHOULD HAPPEN AT HOME!
(ie: school days you have a certain routine, weekends another)...put your hubby's "jobs" next to kids "chores", such as
a. son, wash dishes, daughter clean bathroom, hubby shop for groceries
b. next day, hubby does laundry (kids do other things)
c. next day, hubby cleans floor and dusts (" ")

etc..
I know, I know...it may seem impossible at first, but you have to try. You are probably a bit emotional being prego (I know, i just delivered), so write your lists when you are feeling "good" and then explain to them when you are also feeling "good" (not tired or crabby.) You just have to come off very matter of factly and let them all know that baby is priority right now and you have to do your job of resting in order to take care of this new child coming! You need their help...it's not a time to give a lecture, just say it with a smile, please, thankyou and that's it. You tell them and then you ask for the door to be closed and you read a book (don't follow it up.)

If hubby gives you a problem after this, well, keep trying. Don't shout or cry or sulk. We women need to understand that men do not respond well to that...we need to be a bit tough and we need to treat them like kids sometimes (ie: we don't cry to our kids, we are firm and let them know it's business!!) It may take time, but this is the BEST TIME to actually make a change in your home! Trust me girl, been there and done that and well worth the efforts!!

You could offer incentives if you think it might help: ie: allowance for kids and "goodies" plus whatever your hubby might like (ie: a backrub?)

Good luck and hang in there! remember the house is NOT the priority these days, you and your health of baby are.

Hilarie

I know you posted this a while ago, so maybe you are no longer in need of advice, but just in case you are...

I was on bed rest from 19 weeks until the end of my pregnancy and even had to have a surgery in there :( It was really tough...I was lucky that my work let me do some stuff from home so I didn't go crazy. I was also lucky that I didn't have other kids to worry about: but I do understand how crazy it can make you.

I will make two suggestions: the first is to remember that your situation is only temporary. Obviously you don't want the house to be so dirty that it is unhealthy for your kids, but if it is not as clean as usual...try to look past it and remember that you will be back in your feet soon enough.

Your husband's laziness: this is not likely something you should try to tackle when you are pregnant and on bedrest. If you can, enlist help from other people--if your family lives close by, ask them to help you out until you can get back on your feet and address this issue with your husband.

After you have the baby and things settle down a bit, go to your husband with a clear idea of what you felt like could have gone better. If it has always been like this and the bed rest has just brought it to light, then you might mention to him that you need to see a change in how he participates with the family and the responsibilities etc.

You could also try just saying blatantly to him "The way this has all gone down is really sad to me. Not being able to rely on you to take care of things while I am unable feels pretty crappy." Even if he WAS working, he should come home and do what he can...he may be tired or whatever but you are CARRYING HIS CHILD!

Meanwhile, hang in there and remember...this too shall pass.

ALSO: after you have the baby, hand him/her to your husband for the day and tell him that he is responsible while you take the other kids out to thank them for being so good through all this :)

I hope it all works out for you--good luck!!

Wow Jen, I must be married to your husband's brother. lol Well, I used to think that there was a tactful way of telling your husband how you feel, but the reality of it is to just say it. Ive known my husband since I was 10yrs old. Im now 40yrs. Weve been married for 2 1/2yrs, and have a 2yr old together. He is so lazy, but yells at his 13 year old about being lazy, not cleaning his room, and helping with the dishes...when he doesnt lift a finger himself. Hopefully, when you let your hubby knows how you feel he will change, and it wont be TEMPORARY like mine. When my husband sees that Im about to explode, he then will sweep, do dishes (while walking on eggshells)like he is now. lol.. .Every month Im threatening to leave..(I just may) I figure, im doing it all by myself anyway..right? .GOOD LUCK!ps..Since your hubby likes to be on the computer, let him pull up and read this whole post! I am.