Need Advice on How to Handle Babysitter Situation

I completely agree with you. Tell the sitter that you need to discuss something with her and ask when a good time is. Then ask her to tell you about the reason for the time out so you can clarify the "why". If it is behavior that is fine and let her know you support her. If it is "not eating" then explain to her why you do not wish that to continue and tell her what you would like to happen...if Suzy doesn't eat in a certain amount of time then lunch is over and she doesn't get more until snack time.

I think putting her in time out for not eating is wrong. I had this issue long ago with my older son. I told the preschool teacher when she brought up he will not eat what he is given so he is getting a time out. They gave him peanut butter and jelly sandwiches everyday. He does not, never has liked that. I brought in his own food and if he ate he ate, if he did not, he did not. He will eat later when I get him. No punishment necessary . I would tell her the same, she can sit quietly and play with something or eat. She should know that this is so normal for some children. She will not starve, she will eat when hungry.

you know, I started reading the other responses....& just got really tired. :(

I'm going with my gut instincts, here....my knee-jerk reaction:

your daughter needs to learn compliance. If she's not eating with the group, she is not entitled to a separate mealtime.....& conversely, who - in their right mind - wants to listen to a kid who's whining/crying because she's hungry. & going further...it's cruel to make a kid wait until the next meal.

Soooo, what's the best solution? Encourage her to learn to comply with a schedule which benefits everyone - except her? Make her go hungry? What works best for the child?

My vote is to teach compliance with the set schedule. She'll benefit by learning to cooperate, by learning it's not "all about her", & she won't be hungry & miserable later in the day.

Begin this process at home, & she'll fall into the pattern of behaving properly....regardless of the situation or location.

& honestly, I have been the babysitter in this situation. It's Hell.

Tell her what my pediatrician (and a lot of pediatricians) say:
It's the caregiver's job to provide nutritious food choices (note the word choices!!! -- she's a 2.5yo and choices are so helpful to preventing power struggles!!!). And it is the child's job to decide whether or not, and/or how much, to eat.

Offer some other suggestions: Instead of putting your daughter in TO, set the timer. When the timer goes off, the goes away and mealtime is over. Your daughter can decide if she wants to eat.

Well... at 2/12 she should be learning to follow the routine at her sitters. While I do not think keeping her time out a lot will help the problem, she does need to learn to follow the schedule.

Perhaps you your husband and the sitter should discuss ways of getting your daughter to do that...rather than tell your sitter you are not happy with her, tell her you do not think the time outs are having the desired effect and you want to discuss a more effective way of getting your daughter to be on schedule.

Some thoughts on that: missing a meal won't hurt her, so perhaps, not forcing her to eat at meal time, but letting her know that she can't eat until the next snack break/ meal etc. No punishment for not wanting to eat, but it lets her know that she can't eat whenever she wants.

Or you might try rewards, if she eats with the other children she can have a prize. THen once she starts to eat with them regularly you stop the rewards and switch to consequences for not doing what is correct...

Just some thoughts...

Good luck!

If this is an in home daycare, then your provider gets to decide alot of the rules. That being said, you also should have been told this was the route she was taking.

For me,as an in home provider of 15 years, children must sit at the table during meal times. But it is up to them to eat the food. They are not allowed to get up an wander around or to be disruptive (singing or clapping or making faces, etc at the table). If they become overly disruptive as a ploy to get away from the table, they do go in a sort of time out. We call it a "sit down". They would then leave the table, but have to go sit by a wall (not facing it, just sit down), where I can see them, but the kids can not so they can not further distract them from their meal.

I do not have the resources (its just ME) to allow one child to go back downstairs into the playroom, while I supervise the meal of the rest of the children. So if one is not being accommodating to meal times, this is what we must do here. It is not fair for one child to completely disrupt a nice meal time for the rest of the group either, in my opinion. If a child is to be in group care of any kind, that comes with some "rules".

As far as food on demand, that is generally reserved for infants in care only. By the time children reach a year old or even a bit before (each child is different in the bottle drops and table food issues, but a year is a the good guideline), they are all on the same schedule. For me, its breakfast as they arrive between 7-8am, a small snack of a few crackers with fruit or milk about 10 am, Lunch about noon-12:30, then another small cracker snack about 4pm. Food is offered often thru the day here.

You definitely need to get some explanation of the "time outs" and perhaps some further discussion on the eating issue. If she is a licensed provider on a USDA food program, you can not force a child to eat anything. The key phrase for their programs is to OFFER the food. It is against regulation to "force" a child to eat anything (not that anyone can anyways!), but you do not have to offer anything else at non meal times. For most providers it is a nightmare to attempt to do so. We need to keep a good schedule with meal and nap times to stay sane and keep things moving along in group care.

Best wishes!

You can't force a child to eat. If your daughter doesn't want to eat she shouldn't have to. As long as she is sitting there and not causing trouble she shouldn't be put in time out. And as long as she knows she can't eat again until the next meal time I wouldn't punish her.

My guess would be that "time out" is just a spot to put her while dealing with the kids that are eating. Using "time out" as the term while talking to your husband might have been the wrong term, lets assume she lets your daughter have a toy or book while waiting on the other kids to finish the meal. Lets also assume that the babysitter is aware that your daughter hasnt had anything to eat and so they do provide her with a little snack in the interim when she does finally ask or shows signs of being hungry. I'm just trying to calm you down, because I doubt it's really as bad as you think..... so lets give the sitter a break since she's known your child since she was 5 mos old... and most likely is not torturing your child in any form or fashion.
Conversation: "Yesterday you mentioned to husband that little Suzie hasnt been cooperating at meal time, what's really going on?" She'll then give you the rundown and at that juncture you can decide what input you might want to give as far as how you'd like it to be handled going forward.
You do have to realize that this may have just started, and babysitter does have to try to manage several children at once and is doing her best to get some conformity. Also realize that a 2yr old can start separation anxiety moves at any time, and that could be the real reason she didnt want dad to drop her off this last time, probably has nothing to do with the food thing at all.

I like the idea someone else mentioned about not being confrontational with the sitter but more empathic with her frustration. I would bring it up with a brainstorming approach. I would ask what exactly is happening when your daughter is with her and then telling her what you are seeing at home. Ask her opinion and then offer yours. If you like this sitter I would be as diplomatic as you can. Good sitters are very hard to find. Although I know you do not want a power struggle over meal time, I think it would be good for your daughter to learn how to sit at a table. These are the behavioral building blocks she will need for the school setting in the future. Kids really struggle in kindergarden who are not able to sit at a table for an extended
period of time. I used to be a teacher and I saw first hand the difficulties kids had who struggled with that aspect of maturity. Blessings!

While that type of set up works at your home, it does not work in a child care nor school environment.

She is going to have to learn that certain times of the day are designated for eating. I would like a little more information and I think you need it as well.

If she is sitting at the table and then becoming disruptive because she's not eating, that is a problem. She cannot be left alone to wonder around because she doesn't want to eat. I don't believe in "forcing" one to eat; however, she has to learn the rules. She should sit at the table.

I think a follow up conversation would be in order. Just ask what the protocal is for your daughter and her eating routine. Have you explained that you still use the "on demand" method of eating?

If you change, understand you will come across this situation again. Its not the provider, its your daughter and her eating habits.

It's all in how you approach the sitter. Did you ever tell her that DD was allowed to not finish meals? If not, then you have no reason to be upset. She was simply disciplining the way most parents want. This afternoon you can easily tell your sitter you didn't realize that DD was causing problems during meals by refusing to eat, but that now you know you're fine with the sitter doing what you do... Ignore the lack of eating. Of course, listen to your sitter if she says that DD demands food at other times and it's disrupting the schedule of the other kids.

Yeah, I'd have a problem with that too. The sitter should probably have discussed this with you. It's a problem if certain behaviors are fine at home but not at the sitter's house. It's not really her discretion whether it's acceptable for her to eat at certain times or not, in my opinion. If you, as her parent, are fine with her eating on demand, than the sitter should respect your wishes, or let you know that she's not willing to so that you can make other arrangements. I think you're right to talk to her about it.

We have a wonderful sitter (actually she's a MP member, Bethany C.) who has been watching our children for a long time now. Whenever there's an ongoing issue like this she discusses it with us. We have a very open line of communication as far as what's acceptable for each of us. Usually, when she feels strongly that something should be enforced, we explain to our daughters that they are to respect Bethany in her home, the same way they respect us. Likewise, if we feel strongly about something, she does her level best to enforce it at her house as well, within reason, as she does have other kids to watch. But, we've never really had such issues. I think all in all, she's probably more strict than we are, but that's one of the reasons why we love her.

My other thought is that eventually your daughter will HAVE to get used to eating on a schedule. When she goes to preschool, Kindergarten, elementary school, eating on-demand won't be possible. I don't think it's too early to get her started in that. Also, the sitter's schedule should be respected. I wouldn't expect our sitter to accommodate to our child when all the other kids eat at a certain time. Just a thought.

Licensed versus unlicensed childcare.

Perhaps her use of the term "time out" wasn't quite accurate. She may have meant a punishment time out but just your child being put somewhere while the other kids eat. Clarify that with her. It sounds from the post as if the sitter is not aware that at home, you let your daughter graze and eat when she feels like it.

Bear in mind -- at your own home, you can let your child eat whatever, whenever, wherever. If the sitter does that, every single child there will clamor to be allowed to do the same thing, and the sitter will have all the kids chomping along on their own personal schedules all day long. Can you see the problems that would present for her? I agree that if this is treated as a discipline or she is yelling at your child for not eating, etc., the sitter needs to be straightened out -- but I also believe you cannot ask the sitter to make special exceptions for any one child when those exceptions will lead to all the other kids whining for the same thing. They'll see it as your daughter getting "treats" (no matter what the food is) at times when they are not getting them. It's a situation no sitter could endure and would create a constant battle with all the other kids.

If you move to another sitter over this issue, I would be sure that the new sitter is willing to go with your method of letting your daughter eat when she likes. A sitter focused just on her or maybe her and only one other child might be better. But do try to see this from your current sitter's perspective; it is very disruptive and undermines discipline for all the kids if one kid eats when others aren't eating.

I think you need to talk to the sitter about the food, calmly. Sounds like a minor miscommunication. If DD is accustomed to eating whenever and the sitter was trying to get her to sit down and eat something and DD acted up, then I can see where she'd put DD in time out. If my DD acts up at the table, she may end up inspecting her navel for a few minutes, especially if she decided to scream that a green bean was on her plate or something (thus disturbing our meal).

That said, it may be beneficial to all to work harder on getting DD to sit down, even for a shorter duration, at a regular time. Or feed her at a regular time even if that's not the same time you eat dinner. My DD eats with the rest of us, but she also gets an afternoon snack.

Is this in-home sitter in YOUR home? That's how I took it. If DD is not the only child in her care, then I doubly suggest the above.

This is the exact reason I took my daughter out of an 'in home' childcare and enrolled her in daycare/preschool. Well, not a food issue, but the fact that an in-home care giver can basically do whatever they want. You should NOT have to be worried that your caregiver will take out her frustration on your daughter! That is absurd. If this woman is truly putting your daughter in TO for not eating, I would take her out of there asap. A licensed daycare has rules they must follow and there are more adults there. More eyes and hands to help with all the kids, and more adults means more checks and balances. In case you can't tell, I had a bad experience with an in home caregiver and I highly recommend switching to a daycare facility. It was the best decision I ever made.

We also use a sitter that is in her home. We have tried to explain upfront our dsires as far as meal time, nap time, appropriate discipline and snacks. Try saying to her that though you understand her frustration, you would like to be made aware of the situation, and of the type of discipline she uses. Tell her when it is ok to use time outs, and for how long. Also keep in mind though, the kids are at her house, and she needs to have her tules as well. Good Luck!

It shouldn't have to be a big deal. You are the parents and have every right to say that you don't punish your child for not eating. (Personally, I agree with not making a kid eat when they aren't hungry.) Simply tell her to please not put your daughter in time-out for not eating, as it is having an adverse effect on your daughter overall and does not encourage a healthy attitude towards food. Given that your child no longer wants to go to daycare, it clearly is NOT having a good effect on her!

Also, find out how long she's keeping your daughter in time-out, as well as other disciplinary measures she employs. At 2 years old, your daughter shouldn't be in time-out for more than 2 minutes, and she should not be restart the timer for getting out on a child that age. If she does not know that or follow that, I would look for a new daycare due to questionable competence. At that age, time-out should not be the path of first resort, either. Some childcare professionals would say 2 is still too young for time-out at all. Why not ask her to tell your daughter that "meal time is from this time until this time" and then put the food away. That is the only consequence, no punishment. If she doesn't eat, she won't starve, as there should be a snack after naptime. Right now, the provider is teaching your child that food can be used as a way to control others and herself.

You may also want to check your State's daycare licensing regulations around discipline. I believe Texas has wording that prohibits withholding food as punishment and possibly other requirements around food/punishment.

Mention it and your child will suffer. She is the boss at her home.

She will, definitely, take it out on your DD. She will sit the food out for a minute and when your daughter does not immediately pick up the spork, she will throw out the plate and your DD will starve.

Sounds like there is a philosophical difference here. You don't care if your daughter eats or doesn't eat at meal times and you are happy to feed her at what ever time she expresses hunger. The sitter is caring for multiple children and has set meal and snack times. She is trying to avoid kids constantly coming to her throughout the day requesting food which would make it very difficult for her to do anything else with them.

Parents and sitters/daycare providers have to be willing to work together and support each other. I think it would unreasonable for you expect the sitter to feed your child whenever your child feels hungry...too disruptive. And you don't like her giving timeouts for your daughter not eating (I agree mostly because I think a 2.5 year old will not connect a timeout to not eating...not a natural consequence.

I do think it is reasonable for the sitter to have your daughter sit with everyone during meal time. She should repeat often that this is meal time and that she should eat if she is hungry. She should tell your child that there will be no snack until after ______________ (give the activity name, not a time) even if she is hungry. The sitter should stop with the timeouts but stick to her guns about not offering an option for food in between snack times. You should also back up the sitter by having a bit more of a food schedule at home that approximates the sitter's schedule. That way your child will adjust more quickly. If you don't feel you can do that, then you shouldn't mess around, just find a sitter that more closely matches your philosophy.

My son used to eat like a champ until he was 3. then suddenly, he won't eat anything unless it's a salty carb food.

It has been 3 years. Dr.s told me not to worry... well i am worried. he will not touch anything other than a goldfish or chip..yes in 3 years i have tried removing them ( the carbs) so he had no choice.. i tried everything you are supposed to try in this situation. i really have.

At this time, i have gotten to that point where it's bothering me again, so Dr. is running tests, they think it may be sensory issues ( he is on the spectrum/ high functioning ) he doesn't like the way things smell or feel.

My advice is that kids should not be punished for not having an appetite. if they cause a scene because they don't want to eat , that's a different story. i have told my son thats not acceptable, that if he doesn't want the food, calmly say so.

i think a babysitter needs your permission to punish your child for any reason. you need to iron out what she is allowed to punish her for ( behaviors) and HOW. Also, that you would like to be told when you pick her up if she had to be punished and why.

this helps you to trust the sitter but also, be able to have open communication with your child about her behavior. also, on a side note..be careful of punish happy sitters, some may be hiding anger issues.... i had a friend find that out..