Need Advice on Adjusting to Two Kids

Have the two year old pick out a couple of books and while you are feeding the baby, read to the two year old. It may seem like a lot of work at once, but you can do it. Also, include the two year old in prepping for activities for the baby. Like bath time, ask the two year old to be a big helper and get the washcloth ready, get the babies clothes laid out on the bed, etc. A two year old is getting big enough to take commands and be a "helper." I also included my older child by having her sing to the baby with me. Lay out some crayons and paper and have the two year old color whie you feed the baby. Prepare projects ahead of time for the two year old so you can focus on the baby when you need to. Hope these help.

My heart goes out to you. I did everything on the floor with a blanket so my twin girls could help. He'll need to learn to be careful and gentle and all of that stuff anyway. When feeding I would put them beside me or help them by letting them hold the bottle. He needs to feel that this baby is his too so you are a close family. I'm glad you have a support system, but I know you will be tired after work, etc. They should be able to bath together also. I know that it is faster and easier to do it without, but if you want him apart and not jealous make it a joint effort and give him time to be gentle, patient, etc as he see you doing and being the same.
I hope this helps. K

I'd ask my toddler to help me sing songs to the baby.
I'd let the toddler hold the baby if he sat on the couch...with his back against the couch and a pillow under his arm. ....usually when the baby's relatively happy.

One thing to remember is your 11 week old is still so little that she won't remember what is going on now. Your 2-year old will remember for a while. Worry about his little feelings. Let him help as much as possible and make him feel really, really important. Your baby will be fine, she'll get everything she needs and more.

My daughter was 18 months old when my son was born. I would let my daughter help me as much with the baby as possible. When I would change the baby, I would let her help by getting the baby’s diaper or the wipes. I would let her help me get his cloths and anything that she could help with. I am sure that it made her feel important. Try letting your 2 year old help with the baby as much as possible. I would also find things to do with my daughter that I could do with 1 hand or know hands, or I would put my son in a snugly, that way I had both hands free. Try that.

When it is time to feed the baby collect some books your son likes and feed the baby propped up on your bed while reading to your son. If you use a pillow or something to "rest" the baby on and use one arm for the baby and one arm for the books it should work. I did this a few times and it made my older son feel like he was a part of what I was doing for the baby.

It's natural for your son to get jealous. It will be hard for him to adjust to sharing his time with his baby sister. But, he'll manage. You can help the situation by talking about what a good big brother he is and how he is such a good helper. Have him fetch bottles, diapers, etc. for you. When your baby is sleeping, pay attention to your son. Two is definitely more difficult, especially when you are a single parent. Seek out other moms (in addition to this group) for a support group.

First, always remember that you are doing the best that you can - don't feel guilty:) When I would feed the baby, I would try to read to our older son during that time. Also, when the baby was napping, I would try to make exclusive time just for my son and I - even 10 minutes would make a difference. Another thing that really helped was involving our son in many of the baby tasks. Having him get me a diaper/wipes, etc. I bet you're doing great!

I remember all to well going through this same thing just a couple of years ago. My boys are 22 months apart and it's hard for the first 6 months and then it just gets easier and easier from there on out. Now my boys are best friends and keep eash other totally entertained.
I tired to make the time that I was nursing my baby special for my two year old too by reading or telling stories. He especially loved to hear stories about himself or about when I was little. We also sang a lot of songs together. I found that he always wanted a sippy cup a of milk just after I would start nursing the baby. I decided to have a cup of milk for him to drink next to me while I nursed his brother and sang or told stories. Some of my friend have had a basket of special toys that their older child only gets to play with while the baby is nursing so that they are special and entertaining while mom is giving attetion to the baby. I hope this helps. Good luck and remember it will get much easier.

Best, Julie

We had a Nursing Box that was full of special stuff, like those color wonder markers and paper, and lacing cards, and puzzles and books. My daughter was only allowed to play with stuff in the box while I was nursing my son; when the baby was done eating, the box was put away until next time. This helped keep her busy, and made nursing time special for her, so she wasn't left out. I haven't read the responses so I don't know what others have suggested, but you could always get your son a doll to be his "baby", and give him bottles, diapers, wipes, etc., so he can care for his baby while you care for yours. Better still, you can let him help you take care of your daughter--he can get diapers for you, pick out clothes, etc. It will be easier and more fun for him soon, when your daughter is a little older and can interact with your son. My son and daughter get along really well now and really enjoy each other (my son's 19 mos and my daughter just turned 4.)

Hi Debi,
I just had my 5th child. She is 4wks old now and somethings I've done to help the older siblings know that I still love them and get to know their new baby is while I feed the baby I will let them sit next to me or on my lap and we would just talk, sing songs, or read stories. I will let the kids burp or in my 2yr old's case, help burp the baby. I let the kids hold the baby whenever they want to, which isn't very often so its not like they're holding her all the time. I am constantly praising their efforts when they help care for the baby. The biggest thing is giving her the pacifire when she's fussy and I can't get to her right away and I always tell them what great big brother/sisters they are. I try my best to spend at least alittle time with each child during the day whether it is playing a game, reading books, singing songs, having them help with supper and I always verbally say "I love you" as much as I can and give out the hugs and kisses. Kids can and do understand that you get busy so the small things make a big difference to them. I personally have never had a problem with jealousy between the kids so I would hope that if you haven't seen it yet in your son you might not see it at all. I hope I've helped you. Keep up the good work!

C. C

Every mom feels this way in the begining, Heck 7 kids later I still wonder if one isn't getting jipped of my time, what I have come to understand is that it is ok to let the baby cry for a minute while I meet the needs of the older one/ones and vice versa, I have come to respect that so long as when the baby is asleep or occupied I give them some attention they really are good, and there is nothing wrong with the toodler learning to play quitely for a little while, it is actually good for them some things my older ones liked to do during the times where the baby needed my attention was to play with mega blocks, look at picture books the best ones I find are ones that look like photo albums and you put pictures of him as a baby and you and anyone else in them, they just love those! And whether I was BF or bottle feeding they loved to sit next to me, one important thing is to not push them aside as uncomfortable a certian position might be let them sit by you and on occasion on you if they want. I don't know if I am giving you the answers you want, but kids are very forgiving and learn how to roll with whatever is going on in that moment! Good luck!

sounds like you are doing a grat job!! keep up the good work. and don't forget that saying. don't fix it if it's not broke. some days will be harder than others and that will continue forever. and remember that some sibling rivalry is normal.set your limits and don't forget to praise him when he is helpful and especially when he is loving. try to encourage him to be the one who helps to protect her. remind him that he is the big brother. he will help to teach her as she gets older.

Hi Debi,
this topic comes up over and over again.
With my sons, I worked through it, consciously, and obviously with success as now they are 25 and 23, and still great friends , also with me :)
here is what I did:

please see what suggestions there are:

http://www.mamasource.com/request/4775273768706637825

mine is there also, I will copy-paste you right here:

this IS normal: simple jealousy. Before, You were all for him, and now you have someone else who you are carrying in your lap, feeding, hugging, timewise much more than him. You need to apply all your creativity to making him feel happy about having a little sister and still a very caring loving parents, not feeling left out FOR A SINGLE SECOND. It is not an easy shift for a 2 years old, he needs your loving help! My two sons were exactly in the same situation, 2 years apart (now they are 23 and 25), and it was MY TASK to make sure they grow up great friends, not two fighting boys. It worked: they never had even an argument, and are still best friends, but I approached the situation with full consciousness when they were little. I wrote about it here, maybe it will help you:

"...to raise children close together is much easier than apart. U know there are families where kids fight, but when they are very little you need to work h*** o* making them friends. I have a really good experience on it as I have 2 sons 2 years apart, and now they are 25 and 23. You know, there has never EVER been a situation for them in all their life to have problems. Not a fight, not a battle, no tears, no arguments. there were VERY few moments when I heard that the voices in the room got louder, their talking was a little ...say, not agressive, but elevated, excited more than usually... so I came in and sometimes asked, are you all happy? and they ALWAYS smiled and said YES, and once I heard this louder talk, and I asked them: Is everything OKAY? And they jumped both up from the carpet where they were playing, and hugged each other by the shoulder, (you know this boys hug, standing next to each other facing you, throwing one arm around the other's shoulders :) - and they looked at each other, and said: we're fine. They were 6 and 4 then, I remember it so well, as it was obvious they had some kind of disagreement, yet they did not allow me to interfere, they sorted it out on their own and in peace.
Now when you have a girl older, your bigger task will be to make sure for her not to become jealous in the very beginning as the little baby will require more of your time and care, and she might feel left out. To avoid it, make her proud, IMPORTANT and responsible for little things that she can already do. Carry the laundry into another room, give the baby a pacifier, hug the baby, make sure the baby has a blankie on, such little thingies, you know. I told my elder boy from the start that this is his friend growing, and i need his help to raise him a good friend. So, my elder boy got so serious about it, that when the younger one started saying his tiny babytalk words, the older was fixing all the words, not allowing the little one to say anything incorrectly, very politely explaining the situation: the younger says "tla-bla-gla" through the pacifier, and the older took the pacifier out of his mouth, and told him dead seriously:"Ivan, this is no "bla-gla-tla" you see here, this is "THE CEILING" that you see. And indeed, with such a guide, the younger one learned perfect language very soon, in about 3 years old speaking like the older one who was already 5 :). You know what I say?"

:)

also, suggestions are here:
http://www.mamasource.com/request/17133554881794146305

All the best to all of you, Debi!

Well, I have 3 boys (1, 3, 4)...what helped a lot was having them help actually. It makes them feel a part of what's going on...a part of your life and the life of your new child. Still try and make time to hold just him/her...play with...read with, but including both children in things is a wonderful way to help them adjust.
The best,
A.

Let him "help" with the baby. I have not had jealousy issues as long as the others feel needed and loved. When each of the second and third babies came, I have the others sing for them while diaper changing, bring a diaper (or wipes or whatever), make funny faces, hold their foot (safest for baby), etc. When baby is crying in the crib or playpen (always just as I step into the bathroom and realize I haven't been there yet today), I have the older siblings step into the room and sing and/or dance. My youngest actually prefers his siblings singing over mine! Don't expect jealousy and there's a good chance you won't get it. Going back to work will be a hard transition for both of your kids, so plan on spending a significant amount of time with them as you walk in the door. Hold them both at the same time. Dinner will wait. Your kids won't. And I agree with the gal who said that it's OK for the baby to cry (just for a minute) while you finish your focus on the older sibling. I also try to put the baby to bed before the others so I can take some time to read to them. That works sometimes, but of course, baby doesn't always cooperate. This will sound wierd, but it worked for me quite often. When I'm rocking and nursing the baby at bedtime and the older sibling(s) are also in bed, I pull the rocker close to the bed, put my foot on the bed and tell the toddler to "snuggle my foot." It works long enough to get the baby to sleep and then I can continue. Also, I've tried sitting in a big chair or couch or bed while nursing the baby and having the sibling sit next to baby's feet and "hold" baby's feet while nursing. This has really cemented the bond for them.

Best of luck...it's hard but SO worth it!

Get a sling!! It is so much easier to tend to your toddler's needs when your hands are free, and the baby will be so much happier being close to mama. You will also have free hands to attend to mundane stuff like dinner and cleaning! I would recommend staying away from most mass-market carriers like the Snugli. The baby sits on a little swatch of fabric, which puts his whole weight pressing down onto his developing spine. Many chiropractors have raised concerns about longterm effects on baby's development. Better choices would be a mei tai, a ring sling, a wrap or a pouch sling. You will probably have to order these off the internet, but you and your baby will be sooo much happier. www.wearyourbaby.com is a great resource. They talk about the different sling styles, give you tips on proper use, and even have streaming video clips to show you how to wear your baby.

Best of luck,
S.

Help your toddler adjust by talking to him. When you change baby's diaper - talk to your toddler about how "big" he is and how proud your are of him. Sit on the floor, holding baby - but still making access to toddler for interaction at his level. Make the time baby sleeps, special for you and your toddler by sharing a snack on the couch together, or reading a book together. Make time for baby (and tell your toddler, time for "baby") and make time for your toddler! Most of all make time for you, too!

One thing that you could do to include hime DURING nursing is sit while nursing and have him sit next to you and read him a story. You could also show him how tiny the baby's hands and feet are while you're nursing. Then show him how big his hands and feet are. To include him during other times, have him get the diaper and wet wipes for you when you are about to change the baby. Have him get the powder and lotion for you after bathing the baby. Tell him he is such a good brother to help. And let him know that baby sure loves him and MOM and DAD sure love him. Allow him to "hold" the baby but MAKE SURE he knows that he can't hold her without you helping cuz that new baby sister is so tiny.

Those first three months figuring out how to juggle two kids can be very challenging. I too has the same concerns as I have a 2.5 year old daughter and 7 month old daugher. My toddler helped me change diapers or handed me wipes and even helped me fasten the diapers. I gave her a ton of praise and alwayss said what a great big sister she is and how lucky her little sister is to have her. When I feed my youngest, I read stories to my oldest, had her dance for me, or played simon says (easy for you to give verbal commands while your feeding your baby). Let your son hold the baby with your help ofcourse so he can bond with the baby and he feels a part of things. I did this often and now my toddler loves giving her little sister hugs and kisses.

The best advice that I was given when i had my seccond child was to include them in caring for baby. My daughter who was almost two at the time, would sit on my lap while I breast fed, so that she didn't feel left out. Also come up with some taskes for the older sibling to do, that would make them feel like the are helping, such as getting you a diaper, or blanket simple things like that help when I had my seccond child

have him entertain you while you're feeding your baby, like singing to you, dancing, telling a story, talking to the baby

Debi,
One thing that I did was allow my older child to feel like a big helper with the baby. Something as simple as handing you the diaper or getting the bottle.
It made my daughter feel like she was my assistant and it was actually a great help for me.
With Joy,
C. N
Loving Connections LLC

You know if he isn't showing signs now he may never. My daughter didn't really. I think when my son was a toddler and I had to have eagle eyes, interupt her to prevent him from climbing on things was the time she got frustrated with me. I explained to her how important it was to keep him safe and if she would be my helper and she was. She gladly reported to me if he had anything small, was about to climb something he shouldn't...of course that led to tattling!! :)
It is actually a tad harder now with them at almost 4 and 6 as they fight a lot!!!! I miss when she cherished her baby brother and couldn't wait for him to play. Your son may surprise you and love the fact the baby laughs at his silly faces, can roll a ball to him, encourage her to crawl..
Get out photos of when he was that age and show him how you had to care for him, give him a baby doll of his own to care for when you are feeding your daughter. My daughter LOVED feeding her brother when he went to solids! She actually would get mad at me if I let him cry for even a second.
There may be no jealousy at all, just give him some of his own special time maybe when she naps! Good luck and congrats.

I am a new mom of two (FTWM - full time working mom). I am finding it very difficult. I have had advice to make feeding time for the baby reading time for the older one (better yet stor ytime). Good luck. The only thing that I am doing consistantly is carving out time for the older one ... after feeding the baby (Giovanni) I drop him back off at daycare then me and the older one (Gianna) go play at the park. I also try and do a spa night with Gianna ... I think some weekly special activity with the older one helps a lot. I live in Westminster. Check out meetup.com Westminster Whole Food Nutrition group. Delica

First off....RELAX!!! You are in a great place and don't stir trouble you don't have. I have always told my children that when I am tending to a sibling younger than them, that this is what I did for you when you were their age and now it is time to do the same for the younger one. I also explain how happy I am and how greatful I am that they are older and are more helpful to me now that they are older and can do things for themselves. I am quick to point out that by being older they get to do much more fun things because they are able to. I explain that the younger one isn't able to do things for themselves so we have to help them do it. I am quick to point out the fact of how VERY important the older ones are to the younger ones and that when the younger ones get older they will always love the older ones for helping out. They also will be looking up to the older ones wishing they could be just like them. It is important to explain to the older ones that you love them every bit a much as the younger one. I would also suggest that you take special time to spend with the older one, such as when the baby is sleeping to tell the older one how wonderful they are being by helping out with the younger child...even if it is just understanding that you need them to not be upset by the loss of attention. I would also point out that the baby will be the best friend in the world when they get big enough to play with.
As far as going to work, you may point out that the baby belongs to your older child as well, "Your baby", this helps them feel a sense of family loyalty and not as much resentment.

Hi there... mom of 2 here,,, My son is 4 mo daughter 4 yrs. It took me a good 2 1/2 mo to even slightly adjust to being mom of 2... and still everyday I'm still adjusting. Just hang in there, it does start to get easier... once everyone starts to get used to each other... I agree with PP... Joshy loves reading on the couch w/ big sissy and me, I nurse him in bed with her while I read her bed time stories too, she turns the pages. She loves to sing to him, and powdre him at diaper changing time... And tons of snuggles for everyone!

Best of luck to you,
R.

My mother in law had her boys close together and she had a special bin of toys that the oldest was only allowed to play with when she was nursing which gave him something to look forward to when her arms were occupied.

I would read a book to my older son while nursing the younger one. It helped him to be able to snuggle with me. He was never an efficient nurser, so I didn't have a had available, but my older son would sit as close to me as he possibly could and hold the book. Of course, it was interesting "reading" with him in charge of the book. He loved to make sure the baby could "see" the pictures, so he felt he was a part of the baby's life. We haven't really had jealousy issues, for which I'm grateful. But now that they both have their own ideas of what to play, we do get arguments. Count yourself lucky if you haven't had jealousy, and keep doing what you're already doing.

debi,
when you are nursing or feeding the baby, this can be a great time to spend time with your oldest. it may sound funny, but it's one of the time the baby is usually pretty happy and calm. get out some books that our son likes and let him read to you. also you could set up a little table and chairs near you where he can color or do playdough, etc. any activity that he can basically do on his own where you can still be involved by commenting on what he's doing or just talking to him while he works. naptime is great also for together time, but it canbe hard if that's the only time you have to get things done during the day, so this was always a good time for me wit my kids. good luck with everything.

Debi,
You are doing something really good if your little boy hasn't shown any anxieties yet! Good for you! As far as something to involve him, try having him pick out some of his favorite books and climb up beside you and while you hold the baby, have him turn the pages while you read. You could even tell him that by doing this he is helping you make his baby sister a good listener and future reader. Other things you could do is play a board game. Although you couldn't move any pieces, he could do it for you and you could be involved verbally while he is active. He will need to be learning how to take turns soon anyway and this will be a good way to get him started. By starting a consistent and repetitive routine with him whenever you sit with the baby he will definately feel loved. The best thing to remember is that children feel loved if their life is routine, consistent and they can predict what will happen.
Enjoy them!
J.

I have been trying to get advice also because I will be in the same boat in two months. My friend gave me an idea last night. She said their doctor said to make up a "very special bag" that your toddler can play with when you are feeding the baby. She said that then the toddler feels like this is special time. And you can put surprises in the bag before hand. Maybe there are special toys, treats, or books. Anything to make him excited for that time instead of jealous of that time. So when it's time for you to feed the baby you can say, "Oh, it's time to get out your special bag while we all sit down together!"

Feeding time is a good time to spend quality time with your 2 year old. You can read stories, color pictures, or chat. I don't know if you are nursing, but if you are you will have one arm available to attend to your son. I always kept a basket of books by the sofa so that when I sat down to nurse the entertainment was already there.

Another bit of advice is to make sure you never blame anything on the baby. Never tell your son that you have to leave the park or that you can't play with him because you have to feed, hold, or put the baby to sleep. When you use the baby as an excuse, which is easy to do because the baby really is the real excuse, your son hears, "I could do what you want right now if the baby wasn't here." Don't ever lie to your son, just don't ever tell him he can't have what he wants because of the baby.

Hi, I too have a two year old and a 6 month old so I have been going through what you are as well. Although this advise is not my own it has worked wonders in my family. Get your two year old involved as much as you can. I put the diapers at my daughters level so she can go and get me one for the baby. I also have a special cup for her to drink out of when I sit down and feed the baby she sits next to me and we talk. I also got her a fish so that when people came over to meet the baby she was able to show them her new fish and didn't feel left out. Its still hard and I always feel like I am not giving either of them enough attention but when I involve her in taking care of the baby she seems to love it. Hope this helps.

Debi - One thing that really helped me was to make sure that I got one on one time every day with our then two year old. I noticed that if I didn't then she would be very whiny and difficult. It had to be in the form of play. I usually had to do it while our infant son napped. Really, only 15-20 minutes would work. But I had to make sure I wasn't getting up to do laundry, make lunch, etc. I also really tried to include her with taking care of the baby. (Getting diapers, putting pacifier in mouth, showing the baby favorite toys.) I would also tell our daughter what our son "says" because he couldn't talk. He is now 9 months and I still do that and it really makes it fun. She tries to converse with him and now tells me what he "says". Spend lots of time on the floor with both too. Now that I'm writing this....I'm going to work on this today. I hope this helps! M.

Debi,

I think you and your family would benefit so much from a babycarrier! I agree with Sarah- avoid the snugglis/baby bjorn styles. I personally LOVE the wrap, so easy and comfortable!
I would love to show you some carriers, if you are interested. I can also show you how to use them, put baby in, nurse in, etc.
There are so many benefits to babywearing- more than the obvious of having 2 hands free. If you would like more info, please feel free to contact me!
H. Gaitten
www.naturalchoices4baby.com

Have "together time" with your almost 2yo while you feed the baby. Read books, sing songs, visit about what you will play outside later, etc. Also try a baby slings so you can be on the move when the older child is ready. I have 4 kids, and we never went through a jealousy phase...maybe you won't either. (babyholder.com for the sling)

I only have one little boy, but I have read a lot on bringing in a second, and I have family with 2 kids. Try to acknowledge your oldest whenever possible. If both kids are crying, attend to the oldest first...your baby will not remember yet. Play games and do activities that cater to the oldest, and work in baby activities. Your baby will not understand a lot of it, but watching and listening is the best way for your baby to learn. Reinforce sharing with your oldest. If you are playing ball with the oldest, sit with your baby, and tell your little baby what you are doing. The oldest will love the attention too, because you are talking about them. Good luck! Like I said, I do not have experience with this, but I thought I would share the ideas I have found. :)

Hey Debi. Wow--I can't imagine raising two kids alone, and I applaud you for doing that, and wanting to do the best job possible. I would suggest getting the ergo baby carrier with the infant insert. Put baby in that, and then your hands are free to read to, play with, go for walks with, etc... your older child. I tried multiple baby carriers, and this was the only one that was actually comfortable to wear--I carry my 21 month old in it, and it is comfortable--even for more than an hour at a time. My sister carries her 2 month old in it constantly, and because of her baby's light weight doesn't get tired of carrying her that way. Although they are pricey (around $90) they are totally worth it. You can get them locally in boulder or downtown denver, or online. Just google ergo baby carrier for websites. Many have free shipping. With baby in a carrier, your hands are free, and you can do almost anything with your older kid. Take them to the childrens's museum, to the library for story time, to a playground to run around and swing and slide, on a walk, to feed ducks at a park/lake nearby, sit and color with your son, read a book to him, have him help you with a project (my daughter of the same age loves "helping."), etc... The baby carrier really frees up your hands and lets you do all the activites you enjoyed with your son before baby came. Best wishes.