Need Advice on a Touchy Subject...

I think you should deffinately let your feelings be known or it will only get worse from here. But the benifit of it not being your mom is that it is your husband needs to be the one to say something. He has known her his whole life and should know how to approach her by now... Let me tell you I have a pushy mother-in-law and if we wouldn't have put our foot down she would have walked all over us with our son. My husband is pretty forward and now she knows were the line is and not to cross it, I am not saying use fear but when they get the fear of not seeing their grandchild as much or not have the alone one on one time they seem to change there tune... Hope this helps, L.

I agree completely with you. It is a big deal. The bottom line is that you are mommy and you decide what is what for your child. And your Husband needs to support you on this. Sometimes the only way to get the point across is to make waves. Would you rather pacify everyone or speak up and make sure this doesnt happen again. All grandparents will disagree with parents once in a while but in the end it should be up to the parents as long as the child is safe and healthy. Both my husband and I have gotten into fights with his mom but she and I are close so it always worked out but the issue was solved after that. good luck.

OMG! I would freak. I would feel the same way about my MIL. My mom and dad live in Missourri, I live in Texas so I would get really...ummmm...almost jealous that my MIL moved from Illinois to Texas to live by us and was ALWAYS there! She was more of a Smother In Law (as another mom posted in another request...love that term! So true!) Anyway, it was helpful sometimes but other times, it is all too much. If she were to do that to my daughter, OMG....I am not sure if I could contain myself! I would get upset when they gave my daughter soda, candy and gum at a young age! Hair? NO WAY! You need to tell her how you feel about it or it will never change. My husband and I had plenty of these conversations (thank god we moved last year 1hr. away from her!!!) about this kind of behind the back stuff that drove me nuts. You don't have to be mean about it but I would just say: "did you take her for a hair cut? I noticed her hair is very un-even and her curls are gone! If you could please just ask me next time, I would really appreciate it. I appreciate you trying to help me out but we are trying to let her hair grow and really liked her curls. (mention your hubby's name in there). Good luck with this.

I think your MIL was completely out of line!! You have every right to be upset!!

I too have mother-in-law issues and I am learning that you have to be very careful how you word things if you do not want to start problems between you and your fiance. I definitely would confront her though in a very diplomatic manner. She was completely out of line for cutting your daughter's hair or getting scissors near her at all. Just think about what you are going to say exactly, be calm when you present it and stand by what you feel is right. I wish you the best!
Jenn

C.,

If your husband will not talk to her, then you need to call and tell her that you would like to be the one that makes those kind of decisions. She does need to understand that your are the mother, not her. Let your husband know you are going to talk to her. Now, This also may cause some short term problems, so if you are willing to accept that, then put your foot down before it gets out of control. If you are not willing to accept the strain then let it go. It is a decision you need to make. If it were me, i would tell her.

Are you married to my husband too?? We have the EXACT same problem with him and his mother. He can't say no to her and he is incapable of confronting her. So, after several long drawn out convos about such topics, we have come to the conclusion that if he wants to break things gently to his mom he better do (in a timely manner) or I am my lovely blunt self about the situation. (He found courage after the first time I confronted his mom) I say put your foot down. If you don't now, next thing you know she'll be pick out your daycare and buying your child their first tricycle. She is the grandma, and you don't want to deprive her of that. But she doesn't have mommy rights either. She is just like your daughter, if you don't show the boundaries from the begining she will never learn.

You are not married yet-it only gets worse when she's the MOTHER-IN-LAW! lol Really, you have to calmly tell her about it. Say," I noticed the baby's hair cut in the back. I was a little upset, because I don't want her hair cut without me being there. Why did you cut it?" She obviously doesn't respect others' boundaries, but the sooner you make it clear you won't be pushed around by her, the better. My sister-in-law went through the same thing. Her mom-in-law picked the baby's daycare, when she took her to stay the night, really pushy stuff. Don't be miserable to make her happy. Your fiance will have to back you up, even though he may not be comfortable. You and your baby are his closest family now. okay, just read your update. I wouldn't let her see the baby unsupervised. She sounds like a psycho. Playing games is not mature, not when she's involving your child. I would stand my ground with your fiance. His mother had her chance, and she blew it.

Girl, girl, girl! I feel your struggle! I've been married for 8 years. My MIL has never cut my daughter's hair or anything like that, but my in-laws do think that they can act however they want without repercussions. It is SO frustrating. They continually cross boundaries & try to push things, & if I say anything (God forbid I could stand up for myself!) they run to my husband whining about what I have done. Funny…they don't mention how they instigate it all!

Might I add, they pretty much ignored us until our daughter was born almost 4 years ago. That’s when everything changed & the friction began. My husband’s kind of like your fiance - when his family calls griping he calls me asking, "Mom/Dad/Sister says you ___. What happened?" I keep telling him that bothers me because it comes across like he thinks I am a bad person, instead of telling them he doesn't want to discuss it & if they have any issues they can talk to me.

And YES! I do prefer my family to my inlaws!! My family acts properly around children; my inlaws are loud, crass, curse around the kids, & encourage them to do things that aren't nice. We went on a 2-week trip last fall & our parents split the time. My daughter came home telling me things from MIL's that just made me go, "Grr..." Nothing horrible, but troublesome/irritating nonetheless.

Here are some things I can tell you from my experiences. Your MIL will most likely never change, so you're going to have to figure out ways to deal with her so you don't become a doormat. With mine, I decided over a year ago that I’m going to subject myself to them as little as possible so there’s less opportunity for them to find anything to start any conflicts.

[The best thing here is that just last week my husband called me asking if I slammed the door in his nephew's face at a time when we were all home & we didn’t hear anyone even knock at the door - - it was a cut & dry case of them totally fabricating info!! I was initially upset, but it was a great opportunity for my hubby to see them in their true light, & for us to talk about how they’ve accused me of things in the past that were exaggerated, &/or not telling him that they had a part in starting it all. Vindication! ;> The best part was when they started making up stuff to try & explain why they'd said anything in the first place.]

Is your relationship with your SIL such that you could talk to her about it without her getting defensive about her mom? Or without her running to your MIL & fanning the fire? If so, I would kind of feel her out and not be accusatory but just chat & see what she thinks. You may or may not get her support. In my case, MIL & SIL are instigators and FIL is their pawn who does their bidding.

Honestly, it’s probably best if you just went to your MIL & talked directly with her. If you pull other parties into it, things can get misconstrued & it will end up making it a bigger deal. Again, I'd not accuse, just chat. Don't even ask her "Did you...", just state something like, "I noticed Janie's hair got cut the last time she stayed w/you, but from now on, please don't do anything to alter her appearance. That is something that her dad & I will take care of."

Regardless of how you go about it, more than likely she will get defensive. Try not to let that bother you (or at least don't show her that it bothers you). This is YOUR child so don’t let her try and make you feel guilty! If she tries to say that she didn't do it, don't even respond to that & repeat (nicely but firmly) that you & your fiance will take care of things like that. She's used to being the one in charge & even though she doesn't like it SHE IS NOT YOUR DAUGHTER'S PARENT!

I'd also say something to your fiance afterward. Nothing negative, because it will put him in the middle of things. Just so he can be aware of the facts in case his mom says something. Ask him to please back you up & take up for you if necessary. Some guys are really great about that but for others it’s not 2nd nature so you have to ask.

You may end up deciding that you just want to quietly back out of his family for the most part. This is what I did. My basic motto is that I won’t say anything rude to them or try to start anything (which I really don't do anyway, just be more aware of how I come across). I'm always nice & I go to family things or if they invite us over (rare), but I don't go out of my way to do anything w/them, ask them to go places, etc. When things got really bad, and they were calling me all the time trying to get me to do things with them or keep the baby, I’d say, "Oh, I have plans" whether I did or not. It sounds mean but at the time I didn't want my daughter around my SIL or her son, & anytime that MIL kept her she would call SIL.... :P

One last thing I'd say is to REALLY pick your battles. Unless it’s something that is truly a problem (like, oh, cutting your child's hair!!!), if you can act like absolutely nothing went on that works GREAT! My SIL was taking gifts up to day care...she even threw a little party for my daughter once because my hubby mentioned that she was doing good potty training (I found out when I picked her up that day)!! With all of that, I didn't say 1 word to anyone in their family about it -- not even my hubby! She was just trying to start something anyway, & wanted me to get all worked up & bring my hubby into it. My MIL called 1 time to ask me if I got what my SIL brought to day care - I said, "Oh yeah," & acted like it was no big deal at all. After that, I didn't say 1 word to anyone & they never called to ask again. After a few times of that she quit altogether! I also either took her gifts & gave them to the Goodwill. Keeping the negative energy OUT of my house!

As your little girl gets older & she makes friends at day care/school, & you meet those moms, you will get busier on that end & both of you can branch out from his family. This will help a lot, too. Sorry this is incredibly long, but I hope that it helps somehow! I'm always here if you want to talk! :)

C., I might ask my fiance's mother if she knew whether my daughter cut her hair while she was visitng with her. Maybe then you will find out what happened. Did your daughter say that your future mother-in-law cut it? If she did, your future mother-in- law really should have asked you first. I would probably say that I have my cosmetologist cut my daughter's hair if I decide that it should be cut. Men usually love you more if you can get along with their Mother's. Although, sometimes it is very hard to do or impossible. And, if it is impossible it is best to stay away from them as much as possible! That way there are alot less hurt feelings. God bless you and the best of luck.

Yes, you will be on your own.

I would just ask her, Why did you cut my childs hair, and then tell her, from now on , I would appreciate it if you would consult me before doing that, explain that you have never had her hair cut.

I just thought about something.........my daughters both of them have cut there own hair, in secret when they went to Grandmas, so you might want to make sure thats not the case.

I CAN NOT BELIEVE SOMEONE WOULD SAY TO DROP IT! That person obviously has a great relationship with her MIL and has never had her instructions for her child tossed aside with disregard. When I had my daughter, she was early and we were being careful how many people she was around so early. We allowed her grandparents to see her, but did not want to take her to the nursing home to visit and elderly aunt. My MIL took that as an insult and that we did not want the aunt to be a part of our family. Once we conceded (yes, we gave in due to guilt), I had given everyone instructions that this aunt was not to hold the baby. She is in her 90's and I was concerned about my daughter's safety. When I came out of the back room, what did I see, but a picture of this person holding my child. I was BOILING. I made my husband speak to his mother (bad idea, putting him the middle). I was worried about this being the first in a long line of disregarding my wants and instructions for my child. Then when the baby was sick, she stayed with my MIL. I left instructions for the medicine. When I picked her up, she was worse and they had not given her any medicine. I was told it was better for the fever to burn out the illness. I was furious because the doctor had given me the instructions for my child to feel better and I trusted them to have the same desires for her as I do. We had to have a long, heartfelt conversation. I told her what I expected. I expect that they will respect me as my daughter's mom, that they will adhere to my rules for her, that even if they disagree with what I expect of her or for her, that they will follow what I SAY! I also told them that I will ask for advice when I need it and just because I ask for it, that does not mean that I will use that advice.
BE STRONG! SPEAK YOUR MIND! THIS IS YOUR CHILD! Your MIL already had her turn at raising a child.

Hi C.,
I wish I could take your shoes for a day. My own mother tried BS like that when my daughter was much younger than she is now. You have to keep in mind that if your fiance won't stand up for you to his mother he is not being the man that he needs to be. I have had enough relationships with Momma's Boys to know that they will always take Mommy's side over their wife. Its an ugly truth but someone has to say it. First, do not worry about creating tension, its already there. Second, confront her infront of her son so she can be caught dead in her lies. If she does, revoke her visits with your child. If the BF has a problem with that, he should just go live with her again because hes deffinatly not ready to show a child how to be a responsible adult. (I have issues with guys liket his, can you tell? lol) and third, talk to your fiance. Let him know that even though she says she didn't do it, by backing his mom up, he is disrespecting you and dismissing your concerns. Trust me C., that won't make for a very good living environment once his mom figures out that she can walk all over you without having to worry about consequences. Its a shame that parents think they know more than you do because they have been there before.
As I said, mine tried to rule the roost when my daughter was younger, (shes only 2 now). I put my foot through the floor when it came to undermining my decisions. I made sure to lay down the law when it pertained to my daughter. I have to remind her from time to time that I am here and I will dicipline my child as needed, I will pick her up if shes whining at the store if I feel like it and she does not need to correct my parenting methods. I think that you need to stop worrying about the feelings of others, in this situation, and start thinking about your feelings and your child's future. Be strong and stand up for yourself. She will figure it out or be out of the picture. But its all up to you. Good Luck

C.,
I feel your pain. My mom-in-law lives with us though, so I can at least keep an eye on her. But there are plenty of times that she does things to my son that I don't like. And my husband doesn't like to call her out on those things, because he says if it makes her happy he doesn't mind she's doing it. And honestly, I don't completely disagree with that. I have come to understand that grandma's think they know everything. They think that they raised their own children and they came out fine so they know how to raise their grandchildren as well. Sometimes I do look to her for advice, but I do what I think is best for my son. And she knows it because I have made it known to her.

About 6 months ago she took the baby out at 6 in the morning with only a onesie on and no blanket or jacket. I got mad, really mad. I only thought about mosquitos and bugs that could bite him. And she noted how upset I was about that. I called him to tell him about it, his answer was then tell her why you're mad, talk to her yourself. When I calmed down, I called her on the phone. I explained to her why I was mad very calmly. She said that she was watching for bugs and stuff. But I told her that wasn't enough. He's never been bitten by anything and we don't know if he is allergic to anything. She's got no vehicle, so how was she going to take him to hospital in cases like that.

Since then she has never again taken the baby out at all. I think because she saw how mad I was, she realized that hey maybe I crossed the line. I sure as heck couldn't leave it up to my husband to tell her. I know now that's what I have to do when I have a problem with her. DON'T LEAVE IT UP TO YOUR FIANCE. I know you don't want to cause waves within the family, but you are her mother and you have to show that to your mom-in-law.

What I have learned is that grandmas will be grandmas and they are happiest when they are with their grandchildren. You have to give them some room, but they also need to know that you decide what happens and doesn't happen with kids.

i think a nice way to put it would be "could you do me a favor and not mess with my daughters hair anymore. that is something i enjoy doing for her." and as far as the husband goes, make it clear to him that he married you and that means standing up to his mother and confronting her instead of backing down from her. he is a grown man right?!

No you are not overreacting. My MIL once said her niece that they should cut my daughter's hair my MIL told her that Leti's daughter she will cut her hair if she wants to. Boundaries they are very important. My husband wouldn't stand his ground with his mother either and we have gotten into really bad agruements about his mother and boundaries. My advice if he doesn't say sometime to her about it than you should. She is your daughter and you have a right to say when she gets her hair cut or anything else in her life. Don't be afraid to speak your mind. About your SIL talk to her maybe she feels the same way and will back you up! I would say just choose your battles correctly when it comes to MIL's. When you talk to her don't just bring this up but point out other stuff that can come up with your daughter. Hope this helps,
Leti

Ask her if gum or something got stuck in her hair and it had to be trimmed out in your sweetest most kind tone of voice, after explanation follow up with some kind of wasnt really planning on having it trimmed..... oops too late, sorry

Get over it. It's not a big deal. At some point you will have to realise that she is a paternal grandparent and does have some rights. It will only cause harmful feelings to talk about it in depth. Maybe you could say a one liner like I wish I had been there when you cut her hair so i could have saved some for my scrapbooking. That way it's not directed as a threat. Remember when you took your husband you took his family too and you should always respect your elders and your parents. It's better to feel somewhat upset and vent to friends then to cause major waves within a family.

It is a big deal and it doesn't matter if it is not a big deal to anyone else, it is a big deal to YOU! My grandmother-in-law (who raised my husband) threaten to cut my sons hair b/c she thinks it is too long.(But its is curling!) I let her know that she was not to cut and it and if she did that would be the last time she was ever going to see Riley. My husband doesn't think it is a big deal either, but it is to me and that is all that matters. In your case, I would talk to his mother and let her know how you feel. When she comes at you with "It is just hair it will grow back." Let her know how you feel. I would not let up until she realizes that you are not happy with what she did to YOUR daughters hair. Like I told my 'mother-in-law' "You had your own children to make decisions for and now it is my turn to make desicions regarding MY children. If I want Riley to have hair down to his butt he WILL have hair down to his butt!!!" (I speak my mind...) I would just not give in the her like it seems your husband does. When you are hurting b/c of something she did to you, your husband should stand up for you and not back down to her. My husband is the same way though. I feel for you. Just don't give in!

I don't think you are over-reacting. I would be mad if someone cut my daughter's hair without asking. That's just rediculous. I think maybe it would be best to let your fiance talk to the mom about it. That's what I would do.

Wow! What a mess! I have read your request (and all of the responses thus far) and am just shocked. I don't think you are over-reacting at all. That woman had no right to do that, and if something, gum perhaps, got stuck in her hair to the point of cutting it out, She should have told you upfront about it instead of trying to hide it. I'd be concerned to about letting my child go with her - what else would she try and hide? And I agree with some of the ladies that your fiance should be the one to talk with his mom, however if he cannot handle the situation then you need to, so your not walked on by her. If he can't protect you and your daughter from her then you HAVE to do it. If he can't set the boundaries, you have too. And you don't have to be mean about it but at least be honest. How was your relationship with his mom before the haircut? I get the impression you weren't close. Is your fiance manipulated of controlled by his mom? If so maybe he doesn't realize it and therefore can't stand up to her. My fear for you is that if boundaries are not set by you, your fiance, or the two of you together about his mom you'll have a lot more problems then her cutting your daughters hair. Good Luck!

I would be furious!. Your fiance is not going to change and will never have the ____@____.com to confront his mother. It will prob. get worse after you marry. You just have to tell her what you think even if it hurts her feelings or bite your tongue and let it brew. You might could e-mail her that way you are not face to face and you can say what you need to without her interrupting. Just remember to write it and wait a day and re-read it, make correction, then send it. My MIL and I got along fine until I had my son. Now she is conieving, spiteful, and controlling. My husband is oblivious. I have tried to talk to him about it but it's useless. That's his mom and he doesn't want to hear it.

No, I don't really think you're over reacting. She's YOUR child, and as such you get to say what does and doesn't get to get done. However, what were the circumstances? did something get stuck in her hair? or did she just cut it?

Either way...You need to try to come up with a way to talk to her about it without it appearing that you're attacking her. Keep things calm in the conversation, and no waves should be made. But tell you're fiance` that you're going to talk to her so that she can't call him and rock the boat!

Good luck! Let us know how things go!

I know I am quite late to respond to your subject but I wanted to give you a little advice. My mother-in-law was EXTREMELY overbearing and bossy. My husband is her only child and it was always those two (besides the several step fathers she ran through his life). I finally stood up to her. It took several times but she realized that she could not push me around. I have to admit though that my husband ALWAYS had my back. He was on my side every time. You might need to talk to your husband about having a united front. It has bee almost 5 years and my mil can be a help from time to time now.
Good Luck it is so hard to be at ends with a family member.

After reading your story, I do understand where you are coming from of really being very over protect of her, well, your soon to be mother-in-law she should have said something to you of her cutting your daughters hair. Maybe you could ask her. Why did you cut her hair and not say anything to me before she done it. You are probably right about what your fiancee would say to his mom and then what her response would be what you said in your letter but maybe you could say to your husband if he says anything to his mom like C. was not happy about you cutting her hair...It sounds like you are just going to have to make the time and sit down with her and maybe even write down what you want to say. I take it that the 2 of you may not get along....is that right?

WOW, i would have lost it!, once you cut those curls they never come back! my daughters hair is already down to the small of her back because i am so hesitant in cutting off those little blonde ringlets. you are right to be upset, its not just "hair" its your daughters hair, anything and everything that happens to your daughter is at your discretion, and to think otherwise is arrogance on her part. you should not tolerate this, if your husband won't take care of you must, if you don't, your daughter will be coming home one day with her ears pierced or worse. you know whats best.

WOW! That is a tough one. I can totally understand wanting to have a good relationship with your furture in-laws but I don't think you are over reacting-she had NO right. I do think you need to handle it carefully. You mentioned that you have a close relationship with your future sister-in-law, I would talk to her semi-casually about the situation and see what she thinks. If she has kids I think she will understand- if not you may not have as much luck getting her on your side. I also think that if this is the man you are going to marry then you'll need to be comfortable leaving your daughter with her. What does your fiance think about the situation? Perhaps he could help you approach his mother with your concern- it will help to have him by your side.

Good luck!

Definitely talk to her about it. Don't mention anything about not being comfortable about her spending the night - just don't let her spend the night anymore. It is not a RIGHT as a grandmother to have her spend the night, much less is the right to cut her hair! I can't believe that!
My MIL took her grandson to get his hair cut against the mother's wishes and believe me, it won't stop there. Next it will be forbidden food, ear piercing, etc. You need to try to let her know that YOU are the mother and you "prefer" that if such things are seen as needed, that she consult you first. That is putting it nicely. Just ask her, "Did you or someone else cut xxx's hair?" Plan your responses and let her know absolutely that it is NOT OK.
From her perspective, she probably thinks she knows best because she's been a mother already, but actually she is underminding you. If your husband would step up, it would make it much easier.
Just beware - you have a marriage ahead of you that she will be involved in. That is also why you need to set the road straight now.

ABSOLUTELY, do not let your daughter spend the night again. Again, grandparents don't have rights, and if they don't respect you or your husband's wishes when it comes to the kids, then they don't get the privledges. PERIOD.

Good luck-

First of all,... YOU should NOT have to confront your fiance's mom about this at all. YOUR FIANCE' should be the one to do it. I've attended countless marriage seminars, and heard lots of marriage counselors, and they ALL would say that it is your husband's job to handle his mother in situations like this, where she is overstepping boundaries. He should never put you in that position. Sounds to me like she is pushing buttons to see how far she'll be able to go. She is testing her son's loyalties. And if he isn't willing to stand up to her NOW,... then you may as well get ready for a marriage full of strife from his mommy! If he agrees with his mom on this, rather than respecting your wishes as the Mother of his daughter, then that is even more telling of how your future will be with him as your husband, and with her as a pain in your neck. He must be the one to confront her. And he must go into it, with the expectation that she will be manipulative with him about it. Playing dumb like she didn't know that cutting the baby's hair was wrong. He must be expecting her to put on that act, and must be ready to be firm with her. Good luck!

I would be just as upset as your are. I think that you should say something now. I mean really say something. If she can't abide by your rules for your daughter she shouldn't see her. If she really wants her to stay every now and then, she'll comply with your wishes. If you don't get ahold of this problem now, you'll always have this problem. I wish you well with this complication.

that is a big deal. i have a 2 yr old that hasn't even had her hair cut yet, and my mom in law was going to take my son to get his cut and i told her not to get hers cut because i wanted to be there for her first for pictures and to save a piece for her book. i would just ask her about it and tell her how you feel, that you don't want to sound mean or overly controlling, but anything like that that she wants to do with your daughter, you would appreciate her to ask you beforehand. good luck. you need to talk to her soon, the longer you wait, the more tension will be built up.

C.,
You are not over reacting. It is your fiances' place to talk to HIS Mom about the way she acts. It's your daughter and what u say goes.

I would have been so mad too!!! You have every right to say something!!! However, pick your battles.... I personally would have to say something. If it is something you can not let go of then absolutely talk to her.
This is YOUR child not hers!!! YOU and your HUSBAND make the decisions not anyone else...I don't care if it is just hair.

Oh my goodness!! You have every reason to be upset.
If "it's only just hair and it will grow back", why was
it so important for her to cut it? Why could she not
have made a suggestion to you to cut it and find out
your desires for YOUR child. "It's just hair!"
It is wrong and I wouldn't
leave her alone with my child again. I think it is only
the beginning of "more of that". Like Dr. Phil says,
"the only way to predict the future, is look at the past".
He would also recommend your husband, not you, tell "his"
mother that it was wrong for her to make this decision
and act upon it. Don't give her the opportunity to deny it by asking her if she did it. Instead of accusations, state his observations and how hurtful it was/is. Tell her
it was wrong and hurtful. Leave you out of it. You would
be open to any suggestions in the future but the decision
is not hers. She knew better, I promise. If, at any time,
she does deny it, your fiance can say that while the child
was in her care, it did occur.
Would she like you to decide her hairstyle for her?
It is only hair. Good luck. I hope your future husband
can live up to your expectations and draw the lines now.
If not, "expect more of that!"