Need Advice on 15 Yr. Old Step-son

I don't have step kids or teens yet, but I have a lot of books by John Rosemond, the best parenting author ever. I have his book Teen Proofing, and have read part of it (getting ready for the future). He has a lot of good ideas for teaching values, without preaching. Also, the book John Rosemond's 6 Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children. He teaches how to "strike when the iron is cold" and anticipate behaviors, instead of reacting and being filled with emotions. Your husband would probably be on board too... His website is www.rosemond.com. His weekly newspaper column in on the site.

Vent away! It seems that we have some things in common...my 14 year old daughter (husband's from first marriage) feels the need to lie & hide things (like a boyfriend for 6 months), and my spouse is (in my opinion) far too forgiving. I have a couple of posts about these very issues and it seems that I'm bearing the brunt for being the step-mom and too suspicious.

What is the relationship with his mother? Does your stepson live with you most of the time? How long have you been in this boy's life? I know some people will not agree with me, but by virtue of marriage, you are a parent to this child. As such, you have a right to discipline inappropriate behavior when he is under your care.

It seems to me that there are multiple issues at play:
Respect, discipline, guilt complex, and testing his boundaries. While some of this stems from being a teenager, some stems from family situation. He may be angry that his parents are not together anymore. He may believe that he can get away with anything because his father feels guilty. He may feel that he is betraying his mother if he appreciates anything you do for him. He may not get as much from his mother and feels that he has to take things to get things. He may have learned that attention for bad behavior is as good as the opposite. He may just be a rude and unappreciative individual. (Sorry if I seem harsh, but it could be the reality).

The lying, stealing (temporary borrowing?), and loose punishment must stop. You and your husband need to discuss discipline for all of your children and how unified you two need to be. Your husband should stand up to his son, no matter the consequences, and nip this in the bud NOW. You are parents, not a recreational stop.

Our daughter has taken to spending less time with us (partially due to friends, but I suspect some of it is due to our attitudes about her life). Although I would like to see our daughter more, I won't do it at the expense of compromising discipline in favor of her perceived happiness. If she thinks I'm a pain for the next 5 years (until she graduates high school and gets out from under her mother's thumb), then that is a title I am willing to bear. A respectful child is more pleasant to be around than an undisciplined one.

I wish you the best of luck with this. It is not a pleasant situation and it is just more amplified when you feel helpless. The son needs to develop respect for you now so the remaining childhood years will be more enjoyable for all.

I don't really have any advice. I am a stepmom, my stepson is 11 years old and he and I don't get along. Well, we don't like each other, we tolerate each other because we have to. Anyways, I just wanted you to know that you weren't alone in struggles with a stepchild. It can feel pretty lonely when you're dealing with the battles...like you're the only one having to deal with things like that. I think the best thing to do is be consistant. Don't let him get away with things, set your boundaries and he can either respect them or have no privaleges while at your house. Kids (younger and older) need to respect rules and the parents and you need to make sure your husband and you are a team and don't let the kid tear you down. Good luck, it's not easy being a stepmom but you know by making him follow rules and show respect, you are helping to shape him into a better person in the long run!!

Boys think they are adults. Speak to him truthfully since that is what you expect from him.
Discuss this with his father first and insist that he be there, or at least listening from a near room. He must be willing to support you. But this is between you and the child and dad has to stay out of it. Just observe so that he knows that the adults talk. And you are a united front. Sometimes in support and sometimes it will be indiferent. The issue MUST be resolved. Taking something should not be the result of mere observation. He must be given ways to build the trust again. Since some has fallen. He should know exactly what they are. Smoking is horrible. My daughter went down that path as well as the lying one. we lost so much. I wish I would have kept better track of that.

Good luck. They are tough!