Need Advice How to Handle Misbehaving 3 Yrs Old Son

You might want to tell her about redirecting the children, trying time out (one minute each year old), and mention in passing how when someone is yelling at children, all the child hears is the yelling, not what they are saying and yelling teaches fear, not respect.

I suggest that you have a heart to heart talk with her when you're away from the kids and at least somewhat relaxed. Tell her how you feel about specific actions. Don't accuse her. Just let her know the way that you are teaching your son and that you would appreciate that she respect that and stop yelling, grabbing etc.

If you're present when the boys play together ask her to let you do the disciplining. I would not leave my son alone with them since your parenting styles are so different than yours. I think the angry way of disciplining may cause him confusion which will hinder your efforts.

When the father grabbed the toy from your son he was doing the same thing that your son just did. How confusing is that. In that situation at that age we want to show them how to handle the situation respectfully. It seems to me that this father is not respecting your son as an individual with the normal social skill of a 3yo. And he is disrespecting your right to discipline your own child.

You worded your dilemna in an understanding way. I think that you could use those words combined with calm and accepting body language.
I especially like your understanding that the mother is trying to protect her baby.

I think most parents want to manage their children when they are present. I think the other family is out of line. Perhaps they do this because they've taken your not saying anything as an OK to discipline your child. Perhaps the disciplining of your child is a result of a misunderstanding or misperception. If so they should be able to discuss this with you. If they take offense I'd spend less and less time with them. I think that friends listen to each other and work out a solution acceptable by both people.

As both a longtime preschool teacher, childcare provider and parent, this is a situation I've seen a lot of. Even in my personal life, I've had to face up to the fact that some of my friends and I parent in remotely different ways, and cope with how to choose what is best (not always popular) for my son.

It sounds like what you are doing to help your son is exactly what we teachers would step in to do. Sitting next to your child, helping them when they need help with their interactions, and having an realistic understanding of your three-year-old's self-regulation/impulse control (and perhaps, clumsiness) are all on par with what your little one needs. He may be bigger, but he's still a little one. It sounds like you are doing an excellent job.

The differences between your parenting styles is a conversation best broached when your children aren't engaged. Or, if she seems insensitive to your concern, a letter would be another route to take. I think it's important to address, but not in front of the kids.

If it were me, I would start by acknowledging the age difference between the kids and her concern for her son's safety, which is appropriate. I would then tell her how it feels for me, as the parent of the older child, to have my child yelled at. I'd also remind her that children often listen better to directions when they aren't startled or scared, and that I'd like my son to have a trusting relationship with her; that raising her voice will only scare him.

I'd then mention what I would like her to do when something happens. Say, if the older child were hitting, etc, for her to say "Stop." or "Here, you can play with this" or something positively redirective. If she didn't feel comfortable with it (or says "That won't work), then it probably isn't within her range of parenting skills, and she could ask you to step in or she could pick her toddler up.

Never, ever, should anyone touch a child in a rough, angry way. Make that perfectly clear and do not tolerate it.

Just my opinion, but I would keep your son with you when you leave the room and would not leave your child with this person who seems to have a hard time controlling their temper. Parenting skills are often hard won and have to be actively pursued. Some people will try to learn gentle ways of discipline, and some won't. It's up to us as parents to decide how much we want to expose our kids to. And, for what it's worth, we adults have an idea that kids at the ripe old age of three of have "friends"...not so much, it's more that they have playmates who later become friends.

Best wishes however you proceed.

The thing you can do is apologize to the other mom. She needs to hear what steps YOU will take to ensure the safety of HER child in the future or she may have to stop letting her son play with yours altogether. Tell her you don't believe in yelling as a means of discipline, but if you are letting things get out of hand and waiting for your child to hurt the younger one before you say anything to your child, you are waiting too long, and it is then TOTALLY appropriate for the other mom to intervene, even physically if she has to.

As I see it, you are currently teaching your son that he can always get away with using his larger size to hurt other kids to get what he wants - and that you'll help him do it. If you are also belittling the other mom in front of him (in an attempt to protect your child, because you are his parent), you are teaching your son that he has the power to get you to do what HE wants, instead of the other way around.

Instead,
1) try to identify clues that the kids are getting out of hand, and help calm them down or change activities to prevent a situation before it happens
2) teach him if he hurts another child, then it will immediately (but calmly) be the end of the play session and you (or they) will go home.

If you think that a time-out is more appropriate than going home for a particular offense, then at least you are showing the other mom and child that you are willing to intervene and discipline your own child instead of leaving it up to the other mom to handle.

Thanks for showing you care enough about learning how to discipline your son.

You need to be more direct with your 3 yr old when it comes to correcting his behavior and there need to be consequences, it's never too young, especially when hurting another person. If he can't get along, won't share, pushes or hits, terminate the play date immediately, take all the toys aways and he gets time alone, either in his room, his crib, wherever. But no more friends until he can play nice. You sound as though you understand the other parents' frustration with your son, but because you have not done anything to stop the inappropriate behavior. The developmental differences between 18 mo and 3 years are huge. At this time, until your 3 yr old can learn what's appropriate behavior, the 18 mo friend is no playmate.

They clearly consider your child a threat and are trying to protect their much younger child; you would be protecting yours from a bigger kid, too. They probably see that being all sweet and nice to the bigger child isn't working to stop him from victimizing the little one, so they're doing what it takes to stop him, and maybe even trying to get the point across that they think it's a problem. If they're doing it right in front of you, they must think you're not doing enough to stop him.

While I agree that no one should be putting their hands on your child and your friend should not be correcting your child but letting you do it. You child should know better and should not be hurting the younger one. You should be putting your child in time out the minute he does something mean to the other child. You need to tell your friends that you will handle your son and you need to do just that! As well, if the younger one is doing things to cause your son to become angry, the younger child should be punished as well... age appropriate of course, they should be using time out as well.

I have been on both sides of the coin... I have had a friend who was more lax about punishing her (older) child when he was mean and after awhile... well she just didn't bring her child around mine anymore because of the rift it was causing between us. Now they play fine together.

As well, I have a friend with a younger child than mine and I am real quick to put my son in time out the minute he is mean to the younger child.

So, my advice is to tell your friends that they have no right to punish/yell/touch your child. And at the same time, you need to punish your child and teach him that hitting and being mean is not acceptable. Just my opinion.

i have had an experince like yours, and it's not fun. i have backed away from the family unfortunatley. not altogether though. our daughters are quite close, and we moms are close too. but since our daughters (who are 3) have become more into their own persons, mine being very willfull, strong-minded, tough yet kind and generous, hers being a bit winey and "victim-like" yet sweet and lovely, the language and action taken against my child has become negative. my child is blamed for whatever her child is crying over, even if my child did nothing. we speak differetnly to our children. i am gentle and do not over react, hence my tough girl who will get hit or pushed and pop up saying "i'm ok!". my friend totally over reacts, therefore her child does the same, fueling my childs desire to watch her friend overreact, because it's all about reaction at this age. anyways, one night we were out to dinner and her husband yelled at my child and i didn't say anything. i was so upset with myself for not saying anything to him, but it's so hard for me. becuase of this, because i don't like the way they discipline, i have made a conscious effort to not hang with them as much. we still see them, and i hang out with her without our kids, but i parent the way i think is right, and she parents differenlty, but i don't want my child thinking she is "bad" all the time, when she only only being 3. it's not worth it. my advice is find kids his own age to hang with, people of like-mindedness. and if you are able to discuss it, you should. especially about your friends husband grabbing your child. that is a reason all in itself to stop hanging with them. much luck to you~ S.

He is learning, and they are protecting their son. I would remind them that you are the offending childs parent and as long as you are there YOU will correct him, then you must always follow thru. You are both learning how to parent your children alone and w/others...a big learning experience. Tread carefully and don't lose the friendship just yet.

While I agree that you are your child's advocate and need to set appropriate expectations not only for your child, but for others that are iteracting with him, I have a different suggestion to offer...it seems that your goal is really for you son to have friends that he can play with and have fun with....have you thought about talking with your friend and saying..."you know (blank) has been having some trouble learning how to play with others and I want him to get better at this, so I would love for (blank) to come over to play with the 2 of us"...then when the other child comes over, sit and play with both children together....gently teaching and reinforcing how to share, how to ask for something, etc....as someone who works with kids, I know that they don't hold on to information very long and practice really does make perfect (well as close as you can get with a 3 y.o.)....it could also allow the opportunity for your friend to not intervene, because she will see what an active role you are playing and may not feel like she has too.....just a suggestion, as mom, I am sure that you will figure out what is best for you and your family. good luck

I think you are right to be concerned about the friends. I'm not sure how long you've known them, but friends you had before having children can be totally different people when they've had children.

I would attempt to discuss the situation with them as the posts below state. I sincerely hope that helps and it makes them realize their mistake. Your parenting style is your descision and if you're there you should be disciplining him. The husband grabbing your son is totally inappropriate though. I had a similar situation with friends of ours and even after our conversation, the husband continued his behavior. To be honest, I had to choose my son over our friendship so even though we have known these friends for almost 15 years, we're no longer friends.

Good Luck!

Sounds to me like the parents are the 3 year olds! Do not let anyone man handle your son for any reason. Kids will be kids and if they do not understand that - then don't subject your son to however they think they need to react to it. There is no reason why the husband should have grabbed your son and no reason to yell ..except to get their attention if not listening but still. I know it always depends on the circumstances but if you feel its an issue don't continue it because it teachs your son just to deal with however hes treated not saying hey this isn't right etc.

Yes I would try an approach the situation as nicely as possible when you have a moment with the mom and just say hey heres the situation and I'm asking you to be nicer in the way you respond or else we are not going to be able to come over to play any more. Good luck.

Danielle W's advice is great. I think that your son is still young and practicing and should not be "judged" for his infractions. We need safe places to learn. If someone was yelling or even not talking nicely to my son, I would be upset. Also, no one should be touching your little guy. Some part of our identities are formed during social experiences with others. So, boundaries should be set. We don't want your little guy feeling like he's a "bad" person. The way he esteems himself is important. Good luck in the situation!

I had an issue with my son when he was 3 pushing my friend's toddler over and being aggressive. I was fortunate in that the other child's mother is the most patient child loving person I've ever met in my life. I finally told him that next time he pushed the play date would end immediately (he was there to play with the older sister his bff at the time). I had to do it once and he finally got the clue. It's tough when you have different parenting styles than your friends. You'll be making a huge stand here and hopefully it will make things a non issue. Good luck!

Be honest w/ her ... if she is doing something that makes you uncomfortable tell her. After all this is your child & she should respect your wishes when it comes to him. I'm sure she wouldn't want you speaking to her child that way. Maybe point out if you there that you would prefer that they let you handle the discipline of your child. Especially her husband being physical w/ your son. In turn though you will need to make sure that you are on top of your sons actions while around them & their kids. While you have the right to ask them not to discipline your child, they also have the same right to protect their child.
Good luck ... it is a tricky situation when it comes to issues that involve friends & kids.

J.:

I want to let you know that you are doing the right thing in wanting to advocate for your child. Trust your instincts as a parent and follow them. I lead a parenting group and we run into this alot. One of the things that I remind parent of, is that it is important to not take things that happen between children(at this age) as a personal afront. As a 3 yr old, your son is acting on impulse and needs to be told no, but further to that needs to be shown how to touch people/friends. It is not a 3 yr olds job to know that this child is younger than him as that is not his responsibility, it is the parents. When you son does this, I would immediately go to him and say "oh Jimmie, we dont hit our friends, we use kind touches and show him by taking his hand and stroking your face, then use your hand and stroke his face. 3 yr olds do not always understand outside of themselves, making it difficult for them to know what others are feeling when hit.

As for the other parents, I would discuss these issues based on non-judgmental sharing and let them know your bourdries with yelling and touching your child. I would remind them that your child is a person and as such needs to be treated with the same respect they would give you. This always helps keep things in perspective. I dont think the mother would yell at you or the dad would yank you by the arm???

Good luck.

J.,

Stand up for your son. YOU are his advocate, his teacher, and his protector. Sit down with your friend and her husband and explain to them that your son is still learning, and that you want to be the one to discipline him and correct his behavior. Also explain that you do not yell at him, or physically harm him when teaching good and bad behavior.

If they are unable or unwilling to comply with your expectations for how to teach your son, then maybe you need to limit the amount of time these two boys are together.

Hope this helps,
Supportively,
Melissa

I would talk to your friends. Explain that you use a different discipline style and that in the future if she sees some behavior that is inappropriate to let you know so you can correct your son. Try not to get defensive, but hold your ground, and hopefully it will all work out well and you can all continue to hang out! If you don't talk to her you many just build up resentment and end up not wanting to be around her, which I am sure is not what you want.

Best of luck

The next time they do it mention it - because they won't know exactly what you're talking about. My suggestion would be when one of them yells or grabs him ask if you can speak to them privatly in an unfreaked out voice so the kids don't get it. Then say something like, "I know three year olds are really challenging and interacting with my son is a really good way to prepare you for it. We're going to raise our children differently, but I know from experience with my own that he doesn't react well or learn from yelling like that. Here's my suggestion for you to deal with my son ....blah blah (whatever your method is). But if you are really having an issue with something he's done, please come talk to me and I will discipline him. I will do the same for you and your son."

Well, J., I think that I need to play the meanie here. My first thought to this situation is that maybe you need to look at your discipline techniques and reevaluate. Please, I mean no disrespect here. It's just that a three year old is certainly smart enough to know that aggressive behavior towards an 18 month old is not ok. What I read from your email is that you know your son is misbehaving and the other parents know that your son is misbehaving. I would imagine that the other parents would only feel the need to discipline your child while you are there, if they feel that you are not doing it and their son is being hurt. So, if I were you, I would maybe take a look at what you are doing to curb these behaviors and make some changes. These things do NOT have to include yelling or spanking or anything like that. However, being firm with your child and letting him know what kind of behavior is NOT acceptable and what is acceptable. If he can't comply, he doesn't get to play. Sorry to be the meanie. I just don't want you or him to loose a friend over this. They may not be the only ones if he doesn't learn his boundries.
Good luck.
A

Sorry but I'm going to have to disagree with most of this advice. A 3 year old should know better! I know you are a first time Mom but at three they should not be hitting and hurting others. You cane even ask your pediatrician, they will tell you you can even start a kind of beginer "time out" as early as 18 months. Now of course they wont stay in the "time out" spot but they get the idea, but at 3 they can definately be disciplined. Plus you can't "correct him gently and not over react" when he's hurting another child. You need to be firm and direct with a strong tone to your voice. Just know that if he's doing it now and is not corrected properly it will get worse not better as he gets older. Obviously the way you are handling the situation is not working and that's why the friend is taking charge. I also think she probably told her husband about the fact that your child hurts her baby and that's why he stepped in. I'm also wondering about your use of the word "grabbed" I think if you really think he "grabbed" him in a negitive way you wouldn't be asking for advice you would simply not go to your friends house anymore. I think you need to put yourself in their place....How would you feel if your child was being hurt by a much older child and that parent was handling it "gently". I think the real victim here is that other little baby. You want advice then here it is.....If your child hits the baby he's done playing for that day....period.

Check out love and logic for your son. I'm sure you are doing everything you can think of to appropriately correct the problem they are complaining about. This site or program/books on cd are fantastic.

As far as your friends are concerned, I would just have a heart to heart talk with her about how you are doing the best you know how. That you are willing to consider anything to make sure your son becomes the very best he can. Explain that you don't really think yelling and grabbing is the best way to handle it but that you understand the frustation for her and her son. Ask her to help you be the best parent you can be to your son.

Good luck things should be fine if you stay humble. Remember not to take thing personal, this is a learning leasten for you, your son and her ans her son as well.

I just went through a similar situation.

Frankly, there is nothing better to do then to tell her, and if he is around, her husband, that you will handle the discipline of your child.

I told my friend that if I was present I would take care of the discipline. Period.

Take Care,
C.

It may be time to take a break from playing with the toddler and get your son into some sort of group with kids his own age. I understand the other parents being protective, but it's definately not their place to discipline your son, especially by yelling or grabbing him. I have a 3 1/2 year old son and there's no way I would tolerate someone doing that. Maybe explain to your friend that it appears that it upsets her and her husband too much to have an older child play with their kid, so you're going to have him play with other kids. Eventually your friend's toddler will grow up and she and her husband will get to find out what it's really like to have a 3-year-old, then maybe the two kids will be able to play together again without them overstepping their boundries.

Hi there-

I understand you're question is how to talk to your friend about how she's correcting you're son, however, something else occurred to me that may or may not be of help. I just finished reading a book called Sleepless in America, which is about kids who "misbehave." The thought behind their behavior is that they're really just over tired. Just wanted to offer a bit of something that could help.

You're friend is more tricky. Perhaps just say that you appreciate what she's trying to do and that you understand she's trying to protect her kids but that you'd rather you correct your son instead of her.

Hope this helps.

I would suggest that you need to discuss the bounderies with the other parents. You also need to understand that they shouldnt be the ones stepping in when it gets out of hand it should be you as your son is the older child. Sometimes you have to be a little more stern ... especially with boys... baby talk usually doesnt work... be honest direct and explain to you son that he wouldnt like someone doing that to his toys or him and have him respond then he will understand after a few times... I have found that talking direct and to the point and use images that reflect them and how they would feel helps them to understand.
Hope this helps...

J.,

Wow, I am sorry you are dealing with this. I would think that your friends really do not know that 3 yo's are not supposed to be "grown up" like they think he should be. Gosh, he is only three are really does not know his strength at all. I have a 3 yo and 9 mo and I am always working with the 3 yo on telling him to take care of the baby.
My suggestion would be to discuss this ASAP, and let them know an 18 mo is really not that different from a 3 yo. I do think you have to protect your 3 yo as they will then think that you will not defend them and you should be the "safe place" at the end of the day. There is no reason the husband should be yanking or yelling at your son at all. My friends and I allow corrections to either child, taking toys away, explaining, but always playing right by them. And also, you could start saying if you can't play with toys nicely, the toy gets taken away, no matter who the offender (we do that with friends as well). And sometimes if this does not work, you do have to choose friends that have your same views and discipline methods. YYelling at a friends child is just not okay.
Maybe you could say " I was hoping ot talk with you about how the kids are interacting. They seem to want the same toys alot. And ask her how she would handle it first. Maybe you could suggest a word to teach both the boys to stop what they are doing, kind of in a fun way. And if she yells ever again, say just at that moment, please do not yell at my son, he does not understand really what he has done wrong, he is just 3 and it scares him and I DO NOT LIKE IT. Stand up for your child and please do not feel bad. Even if they are upset you respond the way you do, you need to be your childs advocate.

If I sound too strong, I have learned the hard way with a son that is very excited, prone to hugging hard, and wanting to play hard.... that I have to take care of him so he feels ok.

First NO ONE should put their hands on your child!!! I would not allow my child to play with that child bc of the parents. Your son is being very normal and you are doing right to correct your child but you need to make sure the other parents know that you will be the one to talk with your child. Good luck!!!

Hi J.,
My husband's two sisters did the same things to my daughter when she was younger and my father in-law noticed that it bothered me and to straighten things out he got them to get in the habit of just comming to me or her daddy to do the correcting if we are there. He explained to the two of them that if too many people are doing the correcting, a child can get confused of who it is thats in charge and may not even listen at all no matter who it is. When we leave our kids in the care of someone else we make it known who it is that's taking our place and to listen to them like they would to us and they are easy to manage when others are taking care of them, and they are only 3 and a half, 22 months, and almost 6 months old, they may also just take after mom and dad's easy going attitude.

My thought is that if they are able to intervene with your sons misbehaving before you do then you may not be as on top of it as you should be. Stick close to your son while they are playing and discipline him the way you choose to. If they get to him first then maybe you just aren't supervising your child closely enough... I know that sounds harsh but I had a similar situation where I had to protect my little girl from a boy going thru an aggressive stage, and it was really hard to not overreact when he pushed her head first down stairs and hit her at every opportunity. I talked with my friend over it and we approached it like- hmm.. what do you think we should do about this situation, what roles do we feel comfortable playing here? It wasn't too hard a conversation and then we had clear boundaries and a plan about how to react. We did eventually have to stop playdates for a while though it was just too stressful for both mums.