Need Advice! Help!

I don't think he's picked it up from anywhere. People look different and at three he is still learning about the world around him and society. He was most likely using a descriptor. He doesn't know any better. Just try and explain to him that even though people look different, we're all still people. Use things like hair color and eye color to start and then build on that. He'll get it and I don't think there was any maliciousness intended. Just little ones being little. You have to try and see the world from a 3-year-old's eyes and explain in a way he can understand.

I wonder if he wasn't just using it as a description and it was a completely innocent remark. My son had a friend in preschool (he was 3 as well) and he came home telling me a story one day but he drew a blank on the boy's name so he started describing him. He said, "you know mom, he's the brown boy in my class." Not because we had taught him to be biased but because the little boy was brown (African American) whereas my son referred to himself as "peach", not white or caucasion.

I am married to an african man, so we have beautiful light brown children.

For a 3 year old to call kids "those brown kids" isn't offensive, unless he learns prejudice and is saying it out of those prejudices.

Kids are honest. Their skin is brown. That's not bad. My son called the darker kids down the street "my first brown friends." He, who is also brown, was just recognizing that the kids skin color is different than his. Until they learn prejudice from other kids or grownups, noticing skin color is just like saying "that girl in the pink shirt."

If your son ran saying they were going to get him and just meant they were chasing and going to get him, there is nothing wrong with that. Yes, you can teach him that it might offend people if we single people out by skin color, but I don't think he was saying anything hateful.

Teach him that people are who they are by what's in their heart and not by the color of their skin and he'll do fine.

Don't stress about what happened. :) He was just being 3.

S.,
Relax....at the age your son is, he was more than likely simply describing the children. If he did not use and derogatory names don't worry about it. Children at this age are very concrete. They describe things the way they seem them. Being in a military family, my children are exposed to people of all races...they have described their friends to me as "the light brown skinned one" or the "dark brown skinned one" or the "one with skin that is like ours" or the "one with brown skin and fuzzy hair", the "one with the squinty eyes" etc. Those are not racial/racist in any way. They are simple descriptive terms. Do not panic, this is your opportunity to say oh, that little boy looks like they have hispanic origins, that little girl has an oriental heritage, etc. Don't hush them for using descriptive terms - he is stating the obvious.

Good Luck, relax - unless your son says something very ugly - there is not a problem.

T.
Mother of 3 boys - 8,6,& 3

at this age they dont know what it means to be racist. my daughter often used to ask very loudly "whats wrong with him" when she saw a person with a disability. i was horrified. it eventually past but i just kept telling her everyone is different some people need help getting around or some people have diff color shin. most of the moms will understand if you just talk to them you all could probably share a laugh about it,

S., don't panic!!! Your little boy was not quoting racism, he just was using his knowledge of color to tell you which kids he thought were trying to "get him." I believe your response might better have been, "How are your friends trying to get you? Is this a game?" He would certainly tell you if he thought he was going to be hurt, and by you using this message, he won't start to think he should divide people by color, since you did not repeat it. They might have just made him 'it' in tag, which he probably is too young to understand. If he needed to use skin color in explaining who they were, that's fine. I'm sure they would say he was the one with white skin.
I know there is racism in this world, but too many want to equate every tiny thing with it. I work with mostly black ladies, and I am white. We joke about it. Being exceptionally fair, I have recently begun to tan while working in or swimming in my pool. We joke that if I keep it up, I may get as 'tan' as them! Several of my black girlfriends and I consider ourselves sisters. I often tell people, "I'm only white on the outside."
And no, we don't say African-American there. It's long and bulky, and often inaccurate. And we don't call me German-Native American or my hubby Irish-American. If we are born in this country, we are Americans, period. Those titles are far overused. I believe they only need to be used when one is asking your bloodline origin.
Please don't read too much into your son's comment. Just teach him we are all friends.
S.

I totally agree with the moms who said that skin color is just a descriptive word for him right now. He is not showing a racist attitude unless he's been around someone who makes such comments a lot, and you said that's not the case. Even if that were the case, I just don't think a child his age has the ability to be a racist - he'd just be repeating what he'd heard. But from what you described, it sounds like he could just as easily have said, "those kids in the green shirts are out to get me." Try not to panic. I know this was an embarrassing moment as a mom - having other adults hear this comment come from your child, but I don't think he can understand that it's not socially acceptable or politically correct to describe someone by their skin color. Just today, my almost-5-yr.-old son met an 82 yr. old man and after being told the man's age said, "You must be close to dying!" We all chuckled at that, and of course it wasn't said with the intent to be hurtful - just an observation.

I have to agree that your son was simply stating a fact.Our son was around same age when he started to notice different things( like skin/hair color ect). Two of our God chidren have african-american fathers so he would say that girls(our other God kids) are white like him and Bradley and Hopie are brown:) The same way he would say that Amanda has blond hair like him and Sarah has red hair like mommy. There were lots of times when kids at the playground referred to our kids as "those long haired boys"......... as a kid I was always "that fat girl" at the playground. What I do when our boys play with somebody at the playground I make sure they introduce themselves and ask other kids what their names are:)

What your son did was completely innocent and NATURAL. Unfortunately, in today's society, we are no longer allowed to say what a person looks like. Your son was simply using the color of their skin to describe them - no different than "that girl," "that big kid," etc. I wouldn't be embarassed by it, just explain other ways of describing people to him. He only did what was natural.

Or maybe nothing. When describing people, skin color is one of the most notable aspects. It is probably a lot easier for your son to describe that than the color or the design pattern of his playmates clothes. You said yourself he used no racial terms. Using skin color as a descriptive becomes even more important when people are wearing similar clothes (i.e uniforms) and the only distinguishing factors happens to be the skin color. Generally skin color is not left out of a description for this reason. It rarely changes and is the most notable thing. I really wouldn't worry about it right now. When he gets older and you are still worried, then teach your son through example how to describe people using other characteristics (i.e hair color, height, clothes).

I am sure the media has a lot to do with it. Perhaps show him a movie that has children of all colors that he can see them all getting along. But, perhaps, those children said something ugly to him and they were not willing to play with a child of another color. 3 year olds are usually pretty open, unless something makes them change their mind!

My children refer to black people as "brown" people. They too will say something but make note that "the brown kids were going down the slide...". I tell them the same thing you do but what we have to understand is that they are just making note that people are different. Maybe those kids said, "we are going to get you..." and he ran telling you that the 'black people are going to get him'...not meaning anything by it accept showing reference to which kids are going to get him. I would continue what you are doing and make sure that you explain there are white ppl, brown ppl, black ppl, all kinds and everyone is a human being that God made but everyone looks different to make the world a better place. Just make sure to continue to tell him that he should refer to the other children as 'kids' but not to point out their color unless he is in private telling only you. I am sure he won't understand at this age b/c honestly, I don't understand at our age why it would be racial for a child to refer to another person's color when it is true, they are a different color. If he happens to say this in front of the parents, just calmly respond by saying, "yes, sweety, remember mommy told you that there are all different kinds of people, that is very good that you are learning"..... Good luck! I would not worry.

Hi S.,

While playing with the other children he may have heard them refer to him or someone else as whatever "color" they were, and could have been completely innocent on your child's part. He may not even realize what he was talking about. When my now adult children were very little we were riding in the car and they were talking about race on the radio...they were saying black...white...blah blah blah. I got curious about how my kids thought because they were listening to the radio. I asked, so would you ever play with a black child?? My son said oh no I wouldn't ever do that....I said ok...why?...he said they are bad. Then I asked what "color" he was and he paused and said he was peach (the color crayon he would use), I asked him about his best friend that lived next door and played with everyday. He was "brown". He simply didn't know what it meant, he had just heard on the radio about people not getting along. I explained what the white and black was about and he thought it was just crazy because the colors didn't match. Then of course we talked about loving people, and some people don't like others for the wrong reasons etc etc. My son was kind of excited to have this new information. The good thing was when he heard talk at school about the subject he would tell me and we would discuss it. When I asked the question in the beginning my son said something really terrible, but, he didn't understand at all what he was saying. Just talk to him about it and see what he is really thinking, then explain again what is ok to say. He is so little it might take an extra explanation, my son was 5 or 6 when this happened with us. Hope this helps.

J.

try asking him who told him that and go from there. seems that someone has put this in his head. good luck. R. ps. maybe you could explain the differance in his hair color, hight, clothes, etc. try to stess that we are all differant in others eyes but not gods.

Okay, kids say it like they see it. When my daughter was about 3 we went to a museum where she saw a short person. Luckily, from a distance too far to be heard she said, "Mommy, look, that person is really short" or something along those lines. So we stopped and I explained to her that he was the way god had made him, and that he already knew he was short and she didn't need to tell him. ( :

When a child describes someone they are likely to use the most obvious descriptive, whether it is fat, tall, short, brown, white, etc. You were right to explain that doing so can hurt someone's feelings. I would suggest that you also ask why he thought they were going to get him, especially since he remembered it the next time. The kids could have been playing tag or chase and he may have had fun or not. If not, he might have been anxious. If he had fun, he was just telling you what he did and with whom. ( :

Relax, social mores have to be taught by example and with direct instructions. ( : Good luck!

It is normal for all children to reach a point where they recognize differences between themselves and other people, whether it is skin color, weight, or what have you. Some kids aren't phased by it at all when they realize there is a difference and will go on just like normal. Other children react by withdrawing. It is no reflection on you as a parent, and it is nothing that you should be embarrassed by. You handled it well by explaining to him the way you did, but you could try taking it a step further by encouraging him to play with the other kids the next time. Once he gets involved with them on a personal level, he will lose sight of the differences and will stop noticing it as much.

I also think it's just a descriptive term. It can be difficult to talk about skin colors with children. I've tried to get my kids realizing that there is a huge variety of skin colors and tones in the world, just like there is difference in hair colors and stuff. It's hard, though -- sometimes I'll draw attention to it on pictures in books or the internet (mostly around here we have "black" and "white" so not a huge variety), and I try not to use the terms "black" and "white" because everyone is a shade of brown, except for a few extremely dark people and albinos who are truly white. My skin isn't white -- it's sort of peach colored for lack of a better word. Right now my arms are tanned so they are more brown. The funny thing is, my son's favorite "Little People" character is and always has been Michael, the black boy; and when we play Chutes & Ladders, he always chooses the black boy as his game-piece. I point out that his skin is darker brown and say, "People have skin that's all different colors of brown."

I don't want to implant some idea about major differences, though, and make something in his brain that wasn't there before. Like telling kids the first time they go to the dentist, "This isn't going to hurt," may make them say, "Why are they saying that?? They're lying!! It's going to hurt! I'm running away!!" That sort of thing. So, I don't want him to think that people are really that different, just based on skin color, because we're all the same inside.

Sometimes, my son will say something about "that brown boy" he played with at the park or church camp or whatever; if I know the kid's name, I'll use it, because I assume he used the descriptive term since he didn't know the name.

But I think the biggest change that has to happen is in the adults' brains, and that is to realize that we are all basically the same. We're all related. Just as in some families, there can be a wide variety of skin tone and hair color (I know a family with 11 children, and the hair colors include red, blond, light brown and dark brown; and skin tones range from Mediterranean [the grandfather was Spanish] to very pale), even so, we're the human family, and have a wide variety of skin tones, hair color, nose shapes, eye shapes, heights, weights, etc. We can let that divide us, or unite us. A lot of the world's problems would go away if we weren't so focused on outward differences.

S., I find it difficult to believe that your son has never been exposed to racist talk or attitudes. Children that age reflect what they see, and often nothing more. In general, a child that age will not recognize the difference in race or skin color.

He may be picking up his attitudes from relatives, friends, neighbors, or even TV. Watch his exposure carefully.

This is a learned behavior. It was heard somewhere. If not from you then someone else. I would talk to your child not accusing but just asking where the idea came from. Fear of strangers is a good learned behavior but fear of "black" people is not. There is no more reason to be afraid of black then there is white. Your child needs to learn that.