My 13 year old just became interested in boys this school year. She is in the 7th grade and really never had ANY romantic interest until this year, and it seems like it happened overnight. She started 'going out' (that's what they're calling it these days) with a boy at the beginning of the year. They were friends last year and she really liked him, but she suddenly realized just before the holidays that she didn't really like him as more than a friend. She dumped him rather unceremoniously which I've had a few talks with her about. He still isn't really speaking to her. She told him she 'wasn't ready' for a boyfriend, but then another guy friend asked her last week if she wanted to 'go out' with him. She has liked him for awhile so she said yes and has been on cloud 9 ever since. Naturally boy #1 is now REALLY ticked off. I saw a text boy #2--the new bf--sent to her last night (I am a total privacy invader, I know) and he said 'I love you' to her. I am freaking out. She just seems too young to be going through this already, but I was a late bloomer so maybe it's just me? I'm feeling like I need to talk to her about stuff that I don't know whether she's ready for...like not getting 'carried away' by her emotions and hormones...but as far as I know she's never even held his hand. Am I jumping the gun? She is a good girl, she does well in school and has nice friends and has never given us a moment's trouble. But tonight she wanted to spend the night with a friend and I said No even though she really gave me a hard time about it...partly b/c she had a sleepover last night and I didn't think it would be good for her from a sleep perspective to have two in a row, but also b/c the girl she wanted to sleep over with lives around the corner from the new bf. And I was a little worried that there might be some scheming to get together somehow. But then I feel guilty for being suspicious b/c she has always been so good! So, any moms of teen girls who have 'been there,' please tell me how you handled these early teen romances...did you keep out of it, or did you talk to your daughter about it...and what did you say? We've had the birds and the bees talk so that's fine, I just don't know if I should be talking to her about how boys can put pressure on you and you have to stand your ground, etc. Help!
Wow! Thank you all so much for the great advice. I knew I could count on the Mamasource moms! I did talk to my daughter the other night, just in general terms, about nothing being 'private' when it comes to texting, email and the internet, and about boys and girls getting carried away by hormones and emotions, etc. She was obviously uncomfortable but she didn't ask me to stop talking, she just listened and gave one-word answers. She is not allowed to date one-on-one, but she did go to the movies in a group with 5 other kids on the weekend, and the new bf was there...I asked about the seating arrangement (she sat between him and one of her best friends), I asked if there was handholding and she said 'no.' None of the other children in the group were bf/gf, so it wasn't like a double or triple date. Hopefully we will be able to continue to orchestrate the group outings in such a way for quite a while. So, I THINK it is still fairly innocent...but I know girls who have pulled the wool over their parents' eyes and I don't want to be one of those! She will be trying out for the tennis team soon and may also go out for track so she will continue to be very busy with school and extra-curriculars...I plan to continue to talk to her as much as possible and get more specific as she gets more comfortable (hopefully!) with our conversations. I really appreciate the nudge in the right direction from all of you! Thank you again for all the great advice and please let me know if you think of anything else that could help me...thank you!!!!
Wow! This is scary stuff you all are writing about. I'm afraid for my 13 month old. By the time she is 5 I will have to start talking with her about all these things it seems. The world is just getting more and more corrupt everyday.
What are these kids thinking these days?????
TALK TO HER NOW!!!
and be CLEAR and SPECIFIC!!!
Tell her your expectations, make clear your beliefs (wait til you're married? wait till you're "in love", wait till you're older?)
Tell her that everyone isn't having sex, everyone isn't having oral sex, and she doesn't have to either. Make sure she understands that oral sex IS sex. Make sure she knows that she is allowed to change her mind at ANY time and can refuse to continue having sex or sexual contact, even if she's already agreed to do it or has done it before.
Make sure she understands that 1 out of 4 teenage girls has an STD and the most common one of all (genital warts)can be a lifelong companion. Teach her that oral sex is not safe sex and that herpes and oral gonorrhea are on the rise in her age group.
nearly 20 years ago when I was that age my friends and I were all sexually active and I can't believe the situation has really improved any. In fact by 9th grade I only knew of one girl who was still holding out. By the time I graduated high school nearly all of my friends had experienced at least 1 pregnancy.
Whether or not your daughter is engaged in any inappropriate activity I gaurantee she's more familliar with it than you think, so a lack of information and guidelines can only be harmful at this point. Please don't leave her to figure this stuff out with her friends b/c you're intimidated by the subject matter, THIS is one of those times she needs you most. Good luck!
I don't have a teen girl, yet. But I taught high school, 9th grade...I sat in on our sex education program just to see what was being taught and what the kids were asking about.
Good grief, I thought was was in a college human sexuality class...the things they knew about, had experienced, etc etc
Then just in my interactions with my students...the STDs they were dealing with (including HIV), the miscarriages (in junior high), the student who was due with her child the same week I was due with my son, the students openly having same sex relationships (more lesbian couples...but a lot of experimentation).
PLEASE!! Talk with your daughter about sex and oral sex...and the long term consequences. And YES there is a lot of sneaking around to spend time with boyfriends/girlfriends. So let her know you trust her until she gives you a reason not to trust her and spell out the consequences of breaking your trust. (No more sleep overs, turning off the texting on her phone or no cell phone, etc etc). Be sure to explain how some boys will say anything to have sexual experiences including "I love you"...and explain what true love really is to her.
Sending you a great big hug!! You can do it!!
I agree, you should talk to her now. Have the birds and bees talk again and talk about boys and the pressures of sex. My own daughter isn't that old yet, but I taught middle school for years. Thirteen year olds do get pregnant and do get STD's. I just think this stuff can't be reinforced often enough. And girls are so emotionally vulnerable at this age. (Boys, too, I'm sure.)
Maybe (hopefully?) sex is a good five years off for your daughter, but either way, she'll be better equipped to make decisions about sex and boys for herself the more knowledgeable she is.
Liked the other suggestions about talking and keeping communication open.
I wouldn't worry too much about the "I love you" text. 13 and 14 year olds don't know "love" They know crush and infatuation. But keep talking about it!
Starting in about 7th grade, we flat out told our boys "no solo dating situations until high school. period."
The could go out in a group of kids to eat or skating, etc...but they all had to travel together...and it was parents who moved them around. Not older friends or older siblings!
Those were our rules and we held to them all middle school!
Good for you for sticking to your decision about not doing sleepovers 2x in a row and being suspicious about boy around the corner. Moms need to stand ground, our kids don't like it but they expect us to protect them. I've done a lot of talking to my daughter about guarding her heart, not looking for the next best thing, and respecting the boys enough to not lead them on. Also we've talked about things boys will say and do because either their feelings are getting carried away or they want something from them.
I'm working on helping my daughter not be so mean when she's running away from guys who might be interested in her. It's ok if she's friends with them but she tends to cut them off at the knees if she thinks they might be interested in anything else. I'm glad she isn't pursuing interests right now, but I'd like her to at least be polite.
Help her to understand that love isn't just feelings but also respect. Help her to learn to handle both and you are on the right path. My husband read a story called "The Three Weavers: A Tale for Fathers and Daughters" Its an old fashioned tale but was actually written in 2000. It really helped my 12 year old with this issue (Lamplighter Publishing)
all previous advice is great. but I think its important to alwas be talking about this stuff. the car is a great place.Listening to their music- bring up- why do you like this? aren't these words degrading to women? what does that mean? She KNOWS a lot more than you realize. or is at least aware. So this should be an ongoing thing. she is definitely ready to hear anything you can say- and it amazes me how much they take in and internalize. Maybe don't always follow what you say- but in the end they ARE listening. My 18 yr old son floors me sometimes when he will repeat something that I told him when he was 12 or 13 and didn't think he was actually paying attention. And while he had his wild moments- he has actually turned into a pretty conservative kid. I have two girls, 14 and 12, and the other night at dinner they were playing "what if". Asking me silly questions and what would I do "if". At first they were ridiculous questions "what if Belle blew up a bank?" "What if Cici ate so much she exploded" but then it was "If Cici got pregnant, would you make her have an abortion?" and "if Belle was cutting herself, what would you do?" "If Cici was bulimic, how would you handle that?" My mind was totally worn out coming up with answers that were in keeping with the game (quick and clear) but still spot-on with what I WOULD do- and I can say that my girls probably got a VERY clear picture of my feelings on an enormous gamut of issues. This was a dinner with just the girls, me and one of their friends, and the questions went on for almost an hour. So seize the moment when you can and orchestrate openings whenever they come up. I frequently use newspaper articles or magazine articles to broach subjects that are kinda prickly. Then it isn't an interogation coming from nosey mom but just a question about something I read. Good luck!! (And yes- those girls can be devious about sneaking around- more so than the boys, I think!)
sorry, I didn't have time to read the other responses, but wanted to give you some advice, so hope this is not just a repeat of what everyone else said. Ok I didn't have girls, I had a boy, who is now 24, but I was often shocked at what he would tell me about the girls in school. First of all, It's not just girls who have to worry about boys applying pressure. Girls apply pressure to boys these days too! As far as should you talk to her, absolutely! Talk and talk until you are blue in the face. Talk about drugs, sex, drinking, and peer pressure! It's hard out there for teens these days, and you are the best resource your daughter has. Her friends are not going to give her good advice, they are going to say...I did it and so should you! Also I cannot stress to you enough, that 13 is not too young, in fact I would say she is a late bloomer too, even though you as you say were even later. ( Good for you) but don't assume she will be like you, she is living in a completely different world now too! Be as involved in your daughter's life as you can possibly be. Be that privacy invader you said you are.. it's your job as the parent to get all up in her business. Remember, your the best hope she has to make good choices. You are the decider of things until she is 18. Don't be afraid that she will be mad at you for your choices, teens live mad at their parents until they become adults, and then they appreciate that you loved them enough to care, to say no, and to be nosey! It's so unfair in their eyes...and SO the right thing to do! Good luck, sounds like you really care about and love your daughter. Blessings, S.
At this age, no one knows what they what. No doubt you'll think I'm old fashioned, but 13 is too young for one on one dating. When I was 13, small groups of friends of 5 or six people would meet up for pizza or a movie, and everyone just talked and laughed and had a good time. Sometimes parents came along, sometimes not (and all the parents knew everyone in the group). I think inter personal skills are best learned in small groups, as well as the 'treat others as you would like to be treated' rule. What goes around comes around, and if you are mean and insensitive, it comes back to bite you eventually. Also, Good Grief but exclusive dating relationships at 13 was UNHEARD OF in my day. You enter an exclusive relationship maybe very late teens or early 20's as a prelude to an engagement. Exclusive dating means 'I think you are the right one for me and I am content to look no further'. Early dating means everyone dates lots of people in order to find out what they like and, more importantly, what they don't like and that is how you eventually find a person who is a good match and a right fit for you. Right now, 13 year old needs chores, responsibilities, and pet sitting / baby sitting jobs. Maybe she needs to start earning the money that pays a portion of her cell phone bill. And so do the boys. She needs to cool the whole boys thing down and gain some maturity. Shut off the TV and computer and get her moving. The game you need to play is keeping her so occupied and distracted she has little time for the nonsense. At 13, is she ready to try out for cheer leading? Track? Take dance lessons? Join the church choir? Skating lessons? Idle teens make for trouble and mischief. Keep them busy, and they grow up without having the leisure time to get into bad news situations.
Oh boy do I remember this age! My daughter is now 21 but when she was 13 it was like a light switch went off and she became "boy crazy". I busted her trying to sneak out, actually, it was funny. She put her little tikes chair under her window outside. She did this during the day and I walked into her room and saw the screen off. She and her friends were getting it ready for the that night. I took the other girls home and was really sweet and asked if she wanted to sit in the front with me. She got up front and we weren't out of the driveway when I asked where she was going that night! The look on her face was priceless. Needless to say, she finally fessed up. She was not grounded but she did not get her allowance, did not have phone privileges and had to clean the bathroom everyday. She had a little brother who did not always hit the mark. Lets just say she never tried that again. I also told her that I knew every scheme, scam, lie and bs there was. My husband also had a very blunt and realistic conversation with her regarding what young men are after. She had some hard lessons and lots of tears but I do think we, her parents, did what needed to be done. Your mom radar is your best defense! Listen to it!!!
I don't have any teen girls (yet--but I'll hsve three eventually!), but I think at 13 and with a boyfriend, it's probably time for the talk about how boys can pressure you, etc. I think that girls today are under more pressure to be sexually active at younger ages, and not just by boys but also by their peers. I would also talk with her about different kinds of sexual acts--e.g., explain that oral sex is still a sexual act, and she shouldn't feel pressured to do that anymore than she should feel pressured to have sex. You might feel like she's too young for this kind of talk, but you don't want to have the talk after it's too late (and keep in mind that there are plenty of cases of junior high girls getting pregnant). And if you can talk easily about this stuff now, then hopefully she'll be comfortable enough to ask questions or talk about when she's feeling pressured with you later. Good luck! (I have to admit I'm dreading dealing with these issues when my girls are older!)
Ok Rebecca.
I am a tell it like it is kind of woman. Do your daughter a favor and Yes explain to her about her romantic emotions. Just as you question her world, she probably questions it too. You say you were a late bloomer. Don't let that be an excuse for informing your daughter about the details and emotions of teenage romance. Also, you say she is a good girl. Be careful. I'm not saying she is going to do things to ruin her life, but she may use the fact that you think she is a good girl to lie. Sending you courage and the gift of conversation. Take care, Danabeth
I have read the other responses, and I agree talk to her, but don't forget to also include "sexting" in your talk. I have a teenage son, and I know of a few girls that have sent out pictures of themselves only to have it circulated around and even fake Facebook pages made with the pictures. IT is better to be proactive, I believe, and do not let feling awkward get in the way of letting her know what you expect from her, and that she should respect her body, because if she doesn't no one else will either. Good Luck!
Never fell guilty about scheming to catch her scheming. It is the dance of Mothers and teeange daughters. I have a radar that goes off wehn something just doesn't feel right. Follow your gut, it will never lead you wrong. My own Mother's "Mom-Radar" kept me out of countless scrapes when I was a teenager. Snoop away!! Good luck to you. We had contraband check and we never knew when Mom was going to look in our rooms. CB
Rebecca,
I don't have a teen girl, but I do have a 19 and a 13 year old son. DO NOT stay out of it! Definitely be involved! My oldest son went through "TRUE LOVE WAITS" a program at our church. It was fantastic! I highly recommend it! At this point in your daughter's life, she is not thinking of her future only of the moment. Teenagers do not have a fully developed brain and cannot think of longterm consequences. My son is a good boy also, but he is still a teenager with lack of experience and unable to understand and control emotions. Everytime I make a decision, I think back at my choices at that age. I was a good girl, but make bad decisions as all teens do. Good luck and definitely stay involved!
Also, I believe you definitely made the right decision on the second sleepover! You have to think sneaky to be one step ahead of your teens! It isn't easy, but definitely necessary!
As a stepmom to a boy, I wanted to add to be careful when she goes on group dates or outings. My stepson had his birthday party at our house. Innocent enough? Wrong. The girls came in one set of clothes, changed at our house to thier party clothes and then when Mom and Dad came to pick them up, they left in thier good girl clothes. IT taught me that I will be checking any girls that we have to ensure that they are not doing the same thing. Good luck!
Well get ready, it's about that time. You have 2 more to follow. Don't ever believe that it's too early to start the talk. This is a good time to start introducing material to her about boys & girls. There are books available for her to read and video online to help you in that area.
I have a son who is 11 and the girls love this kid. I definitely don't think that he is ready but he also used that term " i'm going out with a girl at my school". Going out, that is the term they use, even when they aren't going anywhere.
You don't have to put pressure on your daughter, but be available and just talk to her about boys and her feelings.
Good Luck!
I would definitely talk to her about it. Good girls sometimes make bad decisions. I was a late bloomer too, but I had a few friends in middle school who were experimenting with sex, and they were the kind of girls who made good grades and were considered "nice." Hormones are powerful when you are a teenager. Also, let her know that when she spends the night with a friend, that you will be checking up on her. And follow through to let her know you are serious.
Everyone has given great advice...here a few notes-just talked to a friend with teen-agers...per her teens oral sex is not sex so you can still do this and be considered a "good girl" unless your stupid and do it with too many guys or ones who insinuate that you go further.... so point out despite women lib... it still is easier for a girl's rep to take a hit. Next realize what friends tell each other about teen pregnacy....my daughter said her friends told her what to do if she got pregnant-----
you parents will bail you out financially, they will baby-sit and you will have no bills because you & baby will live with your parents, it your body -so only you have any say about continuing the pregnacy or getting an abortion or birth control and it maybe easier to dump the father and not let him see the baby and if your parents give you a hard time threaten to move out and not let them see the baby ...guess what- i find many parents discuss the how and why of pregnacy but do not discuss the everyday consequences of pregnacy- you must have this discussion ; it is as important as the sex talk.... i told my daughter that my opinions and choices counted, too... i am old- fashioned-my morals and religious beliefs do not allow pregnancy with out marriage so i may brag about the baby but do not expect me to tell people that i am proud and happy to have an unwed mother in my house ..... NO, i will not be available for baby-sitting i work and even if i did not work ---- i may decide to place her in a high school that has day care available and after hours sitting will be asked for and be done only if i choose... to do it ; so plan to come home to baby, diapers, feeding and homework and partying on the weekends is not an option--- please do not ask for my assistance financially unless you have this talk with the father and/or his parents...yes, you will actually have to communicate with the father and his parents...this baby does have 2 sets of grandparents... unless the father is assisting with childcare he will not be allowed in my house.....sexual relationship with him - no but a parenting relationship- yes....yes- i understand you will have no income... but there are no free rides in life especially as a adult and if you keep this baby ...i will promote you to the status of an adult and that means until you can help financially with baby you will pay the bills with extra housework and child care...by the way baby comes first- so new jeans and shoes and prom dresses and other expenses may not be available for you ..that is what an adult does. finally, i do not give into blackmail...please do get on welfare and moveout... quite honestly my home life would be less hectic without an InFANT AROUND,,, remember i can choose not to see the baby... yes, i actually have that option and if you move out and do not take care of the baby,,, i can sue for custody and/or move the child back home and not move you back in....my daughter was stunned .... her friends had her convinced that if she got pregnant she called the shots and it would be done her way... my daughter knew that i kept my word and would do exactly as i said....i heard her tell friends that pregnacy was not an option in her life because of my attitude and beliefs....
If your moms radar is alerted-there problably is a reason. I do have a good relationship with my girls but my then 13 year old daughter had a boy she was interested in that her dad and I did not approve of and she new it. She would sneek phone calls and see him at school. I knew something was up and asked her but she kept denying it--she asked to go to the movies with some friends and guess who showed up,and how did I know that after I dropped her off I waited in parking lot. When you feel there is something off----there problably is. I want to trust my kids but sometimes they can have a case of hormones that overcome there brains!!
I also want to warn you its not too early to talk to her about anything....I have a friend whos 14 year old daughter just lost her virginity to a boy who claimed he would "go out" with her again if she slept with him. Obviously he took advantage of her and in the end she told her mom-but the damage was done! And she is a good girl......
