Need Advice - Am I Asking Too Much from My Husband?

It does sound like your husband is not giving the move a chance. It does take more than a week to find out if you like someplace better... he really needs to think about the chance it is for your family to be close to their extended family. Too often, our society feels that we don't need to be close to our families these days and that's really sad since there is so much that can be learned from our older relatives. It's so important for children to grow up around at least one set of grandparents to have another source of love and stability.

As for your husband's excuses, I really do think they are lame. I'm willing to bet that your in-laws don't visit often so for me, the threat of them not visiting would be a non-issue. And as far as your husband being able to get back to see them in case something should happen, well... I'm willing to bet that the plane trip is 3-5 hours (if not more) from Ohio so it would not really be any faster to stay in Ohio vs Oregon.

Your husband and you really need to think about positives of this situation for EVERYONE... not just your husband and his parents.

A.,

Short and sweet--stick to your opinion. Your husband is clearly not thinking about the needs of your kids. His parents could die when struck by a car in 12 seconds or a heart attack or stroke or whatever. You can't "what if" your life away. Moving near your extended family could actually make his life much easier and you could leave the kids with the family and have dates.

Best wishes, and let us know how it turns out.
K.

Hmmm...My husband and I recently had a similar situation. His job was ending and it was pretty unlikely that he would find another decent job in his field close to here. So, we were left with the decision of where to move. We could go to any of the bigger cities in Ohio with plenty of choices or we could move back to Arkansas near his family and have plenty of choices there. My children are extremely close to my family. He only speaks to his family once a month or so. So, for me, it was very important to stay here close to my family. Not so much for me, but for my children. I think family is very important for kids. And we used to live in Arkansas, until we had our first child and decided it was important to move closer to my family for support with my first child and such. I hated living so far away from my family and friends. I lived in the same house near the same people all my life and the I was very close to family. I need to have that for my kids. My parents don't have a lot of money, so them traveling to us wouldn't happen often and it wouldn't happen alot on our end either. So, given that fact alone, I couldnt separate my kids from my family knowing that visits would be few and far between.

My husband does miss his family and he thinks that the job opportunities would be a little better in Arkansas. But he realizes how imporatant this is to me. He recognizes that this kind of decision could effect our relationship drastically if not thought through by both of us.

Would this be something that you might resent him over if he does not let you move to Oregon? Is it the best decision for your entire family? Not just his parents. He can't make the decision based on just the reasons of his parents disapproval and him not being used to the size of the city.

I am glad to see that I am not the only one who thought teh "girlfriend" comment from another person was TOTALLY uncalled for. I think you should completely disregard that comment and not let it stress you at all. Good Luck!

A.,

Wow honey, you have quite the delema on your hands. First of all, personally I don't believe your husband has given Portland long enough to TRULY decide if he really likes it. I think he's feeling a little uprooted not having you and the kids close-by and like you said is feeling homesick. You may need to find a way to make a trip there with the kiddos to see him to make him feel like it WILL be home once you get there. Make a trip soon to go look at houses or apartments that you'll be living in, find nice parks and fun things to do while you're there, and when you move there so he has things to look forward to there.

Being in the middle of such a huge transition isn't easy on anyone, but I think that he'll feel better about things once he gets more settled into his new job and starts to get to know and become friends with his co-workers as well.

I agree with some people that the excuse that his parents will never come to see them is extremely lame. It doesn't really sound (I know they're family and all but some people are just like that) like his parents are really worth losing the relationship your little ones have with your parents. At least, it wouldn't be to me. If they go back and foreth between talking and not because of arguments (and this happens often) I believe one person said it perfectly, it's volitile. Like I said, I wouldn't let their stubborn way of thinking affect how you decide to live your life. They obvioiusly aren't too concerned about coming to see you and your children to begin with since they use their "visits" or lack there of, as a means of "threatening" you into staying in Ohio.

I don't believe your husband has a "GIRLFRIEND"... that was about the most rediculous thing I've ever read on one of these things. So, don't even pay attention to that ludicrous theory!

Ultimately you may have to make a decision that is the best decision for you and your kids. Sometimes long distance relationship work out very well. It's just another option. Obviously that wouldn't be the preferrence, but it's a possibility.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope he won't give up on Oregon until he give it a chance. :) Take care and Merry Christmas!

I'm assuming since he's in the airline industry, you fly for cheap. Maybe you could just plan a trip every month or every six weeks or so?? Or maybe find someplace to move in between Oregon and Ohio so you're closer but he doesn't have to be there?

Above is my original response from the other day....after reading some of the others, I have to say...YIKES!!! Being a little rough on husband, aren't we???? Sounds like you have a good thing with your husband and, afterall, it was YOUR parents who moved AWAY from you. He didn't make that choice, they did. I'm not saying they were wrong, but I can see why he wouldn't want to totally uproot his life just because YOUR parents decided to be with THEIR family.

There are two sides to every story. Figure out what his is and go from there.
Good luck.

Hi A.,
Dont make ur marriage miserable for ur parents.Noone can take care of ur kids better than u and ur husband.if we ladies dont want to live under inlaws influence,same is with men.so let him be free,if he doesnt want to be there.u can go and meet ur parents every couple a months or less anyway.Think about the people who havent met their parents for 3 or 4 years because their parents live in other countries like mine do.

Honey, I must say that aleast he did try it..and I hope that things do work out for you..

I think your fear of being apart from your parents blurred your vision of what's most important. You are a grown adult. Your parents are grown adults. THEY moved where THEY wanted to be. You can't expect your family to uproot and move just because its feels more secure for you to stay near your parents.
I think you definately didn't think it through. I understand wanting to be near your extended family, but thats exactly what it is.. extended family. YOUR family and what is most important is your husband and children. I'm sure convincing the children of the move is easier because they're not so attached with school friends and such, they're young. But its not right to Convince your husband that this move would be in the best interest for him, if truely its just you wanting to stay near your parents. Its time to spread your wings and fly from the nest, and this would be a great experience for you all.
Good Luck!

First of all, can we just ignore the "girlfriend" comment of "Becky R" -- that is a stupid thing to even put in your mind and add to the stress. Your husband is obviously scared -- he just needs encouragement. I would say to try to make a comprimise for you guys to all move out there for a minimum of a year and then if he still doesn't like it (no questions asked) move back here. I agree with whoever said that it's absurd to keep your children from grandparents that they could see daily (or often) to accomodate grandparents who are obviously feeling threatened by this move. The likelihood that 5 hours could be the difference between your husband getting to his parents "on time" if he needed to is pretty slim. And their unwillingness to come and visit is very manipulating.

I think that this would be a different situation if you husband had not been offered this job and/or if he had a lot of family here in Ohio, but that's not the case -- reason with him and ask what's more important...family or a job? I would say that the threats from his parents are is major motivation. Also, I'm sure that he needs you out there! Hurry up!!

Good luck and let us know...

A., I have to say that I empathize completely with your situation (wanting to be near family, wanting to foster that wonderful bond between your kids and their grandparents). I also empathize with big life changes being difficult while the transition is taking place, so I feel for your husband, too.

Looking at the bigger picture, though, I have to say that if it were my husband, we'd definitely be having talks about sometimes having to do things for the greater good of the family. Why?

1) His relationship with his parents seems volatile (loving, but volatile!) from what you've said, and that he already lives quite far from them, I cannot see depriving your children of their maternal grandparents just because it's 5 hours closer to their their paternal grandparents (who are already at *least* a 5 hr plane ride away already)!

2) The excuse that the paternal grandparents are giving you (unless they are of limited mobility) about their being unwilling to visit you if you move seems very irrational to me. My parents would figure out *some* very creative way to see their grandkids even if it meant getting to Timbuktu on $100 or less! Where there's a will, there's a way. So why on earth would you stay in Ohio just in case his parents might visit? Again, unless they are not healthy enough to travel, distance and finances are not an excuse as they can be creatively dealt with.

3) Extended family is important, and you've got a lot of that in Oregon! I think that if you trust and get along with your parents, it is such a gift to have them living nearby for so many reasons, especially when you have kids! It also seems that you would be gaining access to even more extended family, thus possibly a stronger support network, by moving to Oregon.

4) Many, many people who move (those who do it frequently as well as those who do it only rarely) say to give a new city a minimum one year (12 whole months) before deciding if you want to stay or move away. Hopefully your husband would be willing to at least do a trial run in Oregon?

Anyway... best of luck to you in navigating the possibilities with your husband. Moving households *and* cities is one of the most stressful life events around, so it's likely this transition is making emotions and tensions run high for all of you, and it's good to have a lot of empathy for him, for yourself, and for your kids as you continue through this process. I hope you are all able to come together to find a win-win situation for your family regarding this move!

you are not asking too much. your request to move closer to your family is reasonable and many marriages are faced with this dilemma.
if traffic and a scary new city are your husbands main reasons for wanting to give up, is it possible for him to work out of a smaller city, like eugene? i used to live there and it is the most wonderful place to raise a family and to enjoy family oriented activities. and portland is not far from there.
for your in laws to tell their son that they would not fly an extra 5 hours to see him and their grandkids is absolutely ridiculous. are they so spoiled and pampered that they would rather never see their son again to avoid a sore back or whatever is keeping them from taking a longer flight.
if anything, things are just moving too fast for your husband. let him know you appreciate his effort and encourage him to stick it out. then get there as fast as you can to help him feel more at home.

Maybe you are pushing alittle but don't you have a right isn't he pushing you into staying where you are. You should have sat down together and made a list of why you should move and why you should stay. And I'm sorry but his parents don't live where you are so I'm not sure exactly what they have to do with it. I think he is just using them as a reason to stay not sure why doesn't make since to me or my husband. Good Luck

Hi A.,

I think men sometimes have more difficulty with the idea of accepting a sacrifice for the good of someone else. Not to be so feminist, but from the moment a baby is born, women are the ones who usually make more sacrifices - less sleep, bland diet if breast-feeding, career options, etc. it's just a daily thing. For men, though, I think they are just less familiar with why a sacrifice can be a good thing.

Being a single mom in Ohio with no family here, even when my husband and I were together - it's lonely. It's lonely without extended family.

You ask too much if you want your husband to be happy about things right now, he's not. But for your long-term happiness, for the sake of your kids who would benefit from being around your extended family and continuing their closeness to grandparents, etc. it seems that Oregon is the place to be.

God Bless you and yours, Merry Christmas!

E.

I think your husband really needs to think about you and your kids. It does't sound like he has a close relationship with his parents anyways. You and your kids deserve to have family around you.
Your husband wants you guys to be alone for all holidays and birthdays, from here on out, if you stay here in Ohio? That's not fair to you guys at all.
Maybe you can get a neutral third party involved, like a pastor or counselor? Family is very important, and your hubby needs to understand that.